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[IATHSA4824]

Hello! I've been wondering how to word my opening post here for quite a while now, and the more I think about it, the more I don't really know what to say, so I'm going to try and stop thinking about it so much and just post! I don't know for sure if I'm looking for advice in the right place here, but I guess that'll become apparent in not too long. Part of my concern I think is worrying about people I know, one of them in particular, seeing this, I know the likelihood of that is tiny but I still want to be careful with my wording just on the extreme off chance.

So the situation for me really, technically, is done. My ex friend/boyfriend/whatever he was is out of my life, and aside from a couple of attempts at hoovering, he's not a part of my life anymore and I have no intention of letting him back in it. Speaking of hoovering, I only learned that term quite recently when looking up vulnerable narcissism. I wish I knew about vulnerable narcissism sooner, because looking back, my situation seemed to involve a lot of that, although of course I don't know for sure if he was a vulnerable narcissist.

So I'm here now because I'm not completely over it. I still think about him, he appears in dreams still sometimes, I don't live all that far away from him and I'm pretty sure he knows where to find me, so I don't think it's beyond the realms of possibility that he could just turn up at some point if he felt like it. There are a couple of rooms in two of my relatives houses that I pretty much refuse to go in, because I associate them with him and certain negative experiences that I had with him. They of course find this extremely strange and I'm sure wish that I'd just go in those rooms like a normal person. If ever I do go in them, I feel the need to get cleaned afterwards. One of my relatives is a bit more understanding of how I act because I've told them bits of the situation, other than them though none of my family know the situation, for various reasons I don't want to tell them. I don't particularly like going near where he lives (or perhaps used to live) either, driving through the area is about the most I'll do, I'm not walking nearby.

I've been a bit vague about what exactly he did to me because again I'm a bit paranoid about him or my relatives seeing this, but suffice to say it's had a lasting impact and he was a master of making me feel in the wrong, making me doubt myself, making me feel guilty. I'd put up with the worst of it for years, too long, up until a couple of years ago. What adds to the guilt now is that I have a wonderful girlfriend, someone who has a wildly different personality to him and has showed me what love really is, and has made me realise even more how toxic having him in my life was. And yet I still let the past that he was involved in bother me immensely, it's embarrassing. And if he knew that I still thought about him, that would add to his narcissistic supply wouldn't it. "Ha, he did need me."

There's obviously way more I could say about the whole thing but I think I'll leave it at that for now. Thank you to anyone that reads this and if this isn't really quite the appropriate thing for this forum then I apologise

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group

trauma affects all of us in different ways. your body is telling you something, it sounds like you are trying to listen and to find ways to help yourself process what happened in your previous relationship. 

i found help online about a year after the relationship with my ex ended.  it was "over" in name only because he (and my mother another possible PD) had both taken up enough space in my head it was like i was still living through the thick of it.  it took both participating in forums and some face to face therapy to get myself where i needed to be in order to not let the past keep me back in my life as i moved forward both professionally and personally.

when you are ready to share more we are listening-  please do make sure you take safety precautions if you are afraid of being found such as making sure your user name is not easily recognized, clearing your browser cache and logging off completely, and not putting in too much identifying information such as names/ locations.

[IATHSA4824]

Thank you for replying .

I think for a long while I've maybe been in a bit of denial about the trauma, it's weird to consider myself as having been through serious trauma. Internally I kind of do that thing some people do towards people with mental health issues, but towards myself, "Just get over it, it can't be that hard, it wasn't that bad." Except it obviously felt bad enough to cut off all contact with him, and years later I'm still doing all sorts of silly things to silly extremes  in an attempt to not be reminded of him!

What you said about about feeling like you were still in the thick of it despite it being technically over feels very true of my situation still. It's a bit frustrating to say the least! And embarrassing as I mentioned in the other post. But that you managed to get through it with some help is encouraging for me to read.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome,

It can be hard to deal with that. A lot of people simply assume that when a relationship ends, we don't need to do anything but move on. But people need time to understand what they feel and why.

I bet that the person that you were back then was hopeful and optimistic at many points, because you hoped for things to change with him.

Recovering our hope and optimism takes time and it helps to do exactly what you are doing, giving yourself permission to talk to us and trusted others, about who you were back then and what you felt.

It can help to write down specific things that you became anxious about as a result of his narcissism and insensitive ways.

You don't have to share them with anyone but listing them may help you to look at each one and see how you can work on it so that you can feel more in control of things he tried to control.

Good luck,

Trees

[IATHSA4824]

Absolutely! I found moving on difficult, still do to an extent because here I am talking about it. I found the idea of moving on before I took the decision to move on difficult as well, even though it was screaming me in the face to do that, part of me didn't want to, because as you say I kept clinging and clinging and clinging to the hope that it would change for the better, but that was just never going to happen. I think one part of my reluctance to let it go was that it actually began as a childhood friendship, before it eventually got a bit weird and toxic. So I knew him for a long time, grew up with him, didn't really have any other friends and so I knew that I was never, ever going to have a relationship like that again because I had no other childhood  friends and I can't exactly rewind the clock and do childhood better next time!

I will bare in mind what you said about listing things down, that could be useful for me. Thank you for the reply and advice .

[treesgrowslowly]

Well said. You are on the right track for sure.

So many people stay in toxic relationships. You didn't. Give yourself a hug for that. 

Trees

[IATHSA4824]

Thank you! But, I mean, I did put up with it for way longer than I should have! On a bit of a different topic but sticking with similar themes, one of my relatives is in a relationship that, from my point of view, isn't at all healthy for them, and hasn't been for a while now. It's not just me who's thinking it either, a few people who know them I know think the same thing. One of the very few positive things to come out of my experience, is that I think I know a toxic relationship when I see one now, I think I can spot the narcissist. The only problem is, beyond offering bits of advice, I can't really do anything beyond hope that they come to the right conclusion eventually! And I know that could take years.