Hello! New here.

[catta]

Hi, I'm so happy/relieved to find this forum-- it was recommended by a "narcissistic mother" blog I've been reading this week, and it seems like a well-run place, which is rare on the internet!

A little about me: I'm in my 30s and I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant (first baby!). I've been in therapy for a few years, and my therapist almost immediately confirmed what I had suspected for awhile, that my mom (and probably my dad) are NPD. (Question: Neither of them have ever/will ever see a therapist. Should I refer to them as uNPD here?)

I now live far away from my parents and really limit contact. Individual therapy has been SO helpful, and I recently also started doing group therapy. (I am very lucky to have decent insurance coverage for mental health.) But I still find myself obsessing over little details of things my parents have said and done, to the point where late at night I find myself googling things + "narcissist" because I want to know if anyone else had the same experience. So I'm very happy to have found you and look forward to getting to know more about you all!

I hope you don't mind if I jump right in I want your advice.

[bloomie]

Hi catta! Welcome to Out of the FOG. You are gathering a wise circle of support around yourself as you discover, uncover, and continue your healing journey. I am so thankful you reached out and yet very sorry for the parental issues that bring you here.

Congratulations on that baby on the way! Having children opened up an entirely new level of processing and layers for me with my own disordered family system. It would become a new and important perspective.

Take a look through the resources at the drop down menus above as they are so helpful to us. Putting a name to behaviors I have experienced my entire life, but did not have any point of reference for and seeing that there are discernible patterns to disordered behaviors and that others here and elsewhere have experienced eerily similar things with their own uPD family members was sad and sobering, but also validating and empowering.

I look forward to seeing you out on the boards and supporting you.

[Starboard Song]

Welcome to Out of the FOG!

Congratulations on the pregnancy. I am sure this is a stressful time to be facing such a beautiful thing.

Yes, uNPD is the typical usage. It expressly means "undiagnosed Narcissistic" PD, but -- really -- it means, "they exhibit the traits all y'all are familiar with consistent with NPD." People like myself, who are a little squeamish about diagnosing folks, sometimes write "who may have NPD," but that isn't necessary.

Jump right in! The water is fine! I've never seen any forum as inviting and generally kind as this one. Heck, the bonsai forum I found wasn't as chill as this place.

You can read about the Disorder Types in our Toolbox, and also get a quick overview of survival tactics on our What To Do page. My wife and I decided what to do largely on our own, before we understood what we were dealing with (my in-laws are consistent with BPD and an enabling husband). Since then, we've learned that -- after executing all the tactics -- many of us still need to heal.

The top line of my signature are the resources my wife and I found most helpful in self-care. The second line was successful tactical stuff for us.

Welcome, again, to our little community. Read, read, read. And -- when you are ready -- share, share, share.


Starboard

[Boat Babe]

We are more chilled than the Bonsai community. That's priceless

Congratulations on your pregnancy and looking forward to supportive, enlightening chats on the forum.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have a uBPD/NPD sister. Like you I do a lot of research about narcissistic behaviour and how to cope.

You may like to look at the videos by the author and counsellor Kris Godinez. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". She gives live talks most Sundays. I've found her very helpful.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome!

To answer your question about uNPD, that is what we mostly use yes. However a lot of posts just say NPD.

The reality is that few N's seem to go get diagnosed. And then there's situations like with my N parent it is very possible she got diagnosed and didn't tell anyone. It is very likely there is a file in her medical history where a medical person did note it in the file but didn't even tell her.

So the diagnosed thing isn't focused on much when we post because it's about their behaviours. Doctors and therapists are not in our houses and didn't see them when their narc mask was off.

A lot of N's walk around avoiding any diagnosis of their PD. It is a feature of their PD to be able to conceal it in a lot of situations. 

There are some N's who self diagnose because they don't see what is wrong with being self absorbed. The ones I've met who do this were getting narc supply our of declaring themselves NPD. It tends to work on the people they know who confuse narcissism with self esteem. It can be part of the gaslighting or love bombing they are enacting on a specific person.

As you can imagine, when the odd person has tried that with me it sent me running for the hills because I have no interest in the love bombing efforts of another NPD, diagnosed or not.

Once we know what NPD is we are equipped with tools that others are not.

NPD abuse is often done in the home and through an interpersonal vector. If someone has behaved in the ways you read on the NPD traits check lists, you don't need to get a doctor or counsellor to confirm to you that this loved one is likely NPD. We get it. We really get it here.

Trees

[catta]

Thanks to everyone for all of your welcome notes and your recommendations-- I'm definitely going through this site's toolbox and look forward to checking everything else out soon.

Trees, I hear what you are saying about N diagnosis. I doubt either of them has ever/will ever see a counselor of any kind. My parents both used to threaten to send me to psychotherapy a last resort if I didn't "shape up" (my worst offense as a teenager was having a messy room-- I was too terrified of them to try anything that normal teenagers do!), although in retrospect: (1) therapy has been awesome for me and would have been helpful then if I had the right therapist, and (2) I doubt they ever would have risked sending me to therapy and having me tell a therapist about them. I clearly remember them telling me throughout my childhood me that "nobody likes people who talk badly about their parents, and nobody will believe anything you say," which now, as an adult, seems chilling.

I definitely have some "checklist" NPD parenting stories that I want to discuss with you all! Thanks again for welcoming me to your community