hello

[kaz r]

hello, i am new here and started reading some posts already. the topic of am i the abuser is exactly where i am today. asking myself questions like: i am the crazy one? am i the one with personality disorder given the fact that i have things that are not correct. it is easy to point the finger to another person and not look at my own actions? oh dear.... questions and another gazillion questions.

sending love and support to those who need it. and that would include myself too!

[Penny Lane]

Hello and welcome! I'm glad you found us but sorry you need us.

As an internet stranger I can't answer your question for sure. But I do know that the abuser is usually not the one asking if they're an abuser.

I hope you settle in, check out the toolbox, and come back and share more of your story as you're ready.

Sending love and support back your way!

[kaz r]

dear penny, thank you so much for your reply and your love and support. reading more and more and finding support from dear friends. managing the incoming nasty messages from the ex which are being sent from a second - and for me unknown - account on messenger. these messages are in deep contrast to the man i met some years ago. anyway - enough for now.

sending love and support!

[Boat Babe]

From what you say, sounds like you were with someone who treated you really badly. PD or not, that sucks.

At this stage in your journey you need to be very kind to yourself and to keep yourself safe. Knowledge is power at this point and if your ex had a personality disorder then it's helpful, for you, to understand their behaviour so you don't, ever, go there again.

The second, and by far the most important thing, is to work on yourself. So ramp up the self care: healthy food, exercise, mindfulness, no booze etc. and be round healthy minded individuals. People who feed your soul, not feed off it. Then, once you've got a bit of stability, start looking within. Did you have dysfunctional parents? If so, there will be work to do there.  You may find you have some codependency in issues and these are definitely worth working on.

It's a lot to take on, but it's the royal road to understanding, healing and a positive future.  It just feels awful right now and we get it.

[kaz r]

thank you so much for your reply boat babe. it really helps me a lot to get from moment to moment knowing that i am not alone. i am taking your suggestions/direction to heart. still struggling. still standing. overwhelmed and grieving and sort of moving in the twilight zone and life at the same time. not sure how to describe it. guess this is it for now. again - thank you for reaching out to me. it sure feels like the buddy system in a 12 step fellowship. like-minded people here in Out of the FOG.

sending love and support to all!

[baffledhuman]

Thanks for your post. I find myself in the same position — am I the crazy one? But you stated that succinctly, whereas I posted a (very) long intro.

It really is scary to ponder whether I'm SO crazy that my entire view on reality is badly skewed. I don't think that's true, but I've spent so many years being told (in countless ways) that I am the "bad" person in my relationship and why my partner's actions are not just justified, but correct, that of late I've become confused.

Per one commenter's advice to you, I've made changes in the last month in my behavior and mindset toward the whole thing. Disturbingly, this has only made my dBPDw's behavior more extreme.

Anyway, welcome. Congratulations on having the good sense to start out with a nice, succinct post!

[kaz r]

dear baffled human, thank you so much for your reply! it has been a few weeks/months since my first post and it has become different in many ways.  the fog seems to have lifted somewhat and working with a certified therapist on fear, obligation and guilt. the advice i received in the first reply to my first email has kept me afloat and above water so to speak. taking care of me as best as i can. go to bed on time, healthy food, exercising, walking, no alcohol, no drugs, no sex with others, breathing in (lots) and talks with a few dear dear friends. suiting up and showing up for work even when some days i find it difficult to get enthusiastic for my job. had the joy of going on a lovely break to another country with a dear girlfriend. i still have many many questions in my head. taking my time to digest the full monty so to speak. time takes time. ;-)

sending love and support to those who needs it! xx