New, BPD Chosen partner

[SweetCaroline]

Hello,

I'm a long time lurker, first time caller. I read a lot on this site about 5 or so years ago. At that time, our couples counselor hinted me in the right direction that my husband has BPD traits. He's not officially diagnosed and no one has told him he has these traits, but does see an individual counselor. Unfortunately, I don't think he's honest about a lot of what goes on with her but that's not mine to dictate. I see a great individual therapist myself, but she no longer does consultations with his counselor for my own protection. It was pissing him off too much. But my counselor definitely sees BPD in his actions, and his counselor has said "not formally BPD diagnosis but traits" to my therapist. It frustrates me that no one is telling him these things. It's not my therapist's place to diagnose someone she's never seen and I should not be diagnosing my own husband. I get that PD's tend to flip when you tell them they have a PD, but I've been carrying this secret for 5 years. And I'm tired of carrying it alone.

As for myself, I'm actually a therapist myself. I've been telling myself lots of things like I should have seen the signs earlier, or I can handle it when he's emotionally abusive. But we met when I was 17 and married in early 20's before my training. And I've done a lot of work on myself in the past 5 years, but as I'm now finally setting and sticking to boundaries it isn't going well with him. I asked to go back to marriage counseling (we stopped a few years ago because it was just escalating him, and I wasn't good at holding boundaries then so it was just making a mess at the time). I asked to go back to marriage counseling not for him, but for me. I feel very vulnerable saying this, but I think the reinforcement of some of the rules from before would be helpful to me. Like no arguing late at night to disrupt my sleep, keep disagreements to 15-20 minutes so state thoughts/feelings then we're done, and walk away from the conversation and leave when he follows to harass me. I'm trying to those things already, with varying levels of success, but he is escalating, exploding, pushing those limits. I know it's not about him, the boundaries are for me. I'm done accepting the emotional abuse of sarcasm, name calling, intimidation, and threats. I'm done with feeling that I'm complicit in my own emotional abuse because I stay in the conversation, put my own feeling aside & try to de-escalate him, and try to fix us. And very little boundaries set him off. Things are escalating to nasty threats. He threatened to remove me from his health insurance (I stay home full time now) since I wouldn't apologize and say it was my fault. I had asked 3 times for him to let me finish a text, he kept interrupting, I set the boundary but he feels it's my fault because I should have left the room if I needed to quietly address something because he shouldn't have to have self-control in his own house in the evening; the next day during our follow up discussion (because I wouldn't argue late the night before) when I said how I thought & felt and listened to him but put the boundary of not engaging in the argument and agree to disagree, that's when he threatened to take me off the insurance; but really all that's irrelevant- I set boundaries & he flips out. I feel like I have a two year old with scissors having a temper tantrum just shredding our marriage to bits. I'm not sure we'll make it and I'm okay with that. Sticking to setting boundaries is giving me information about how he acts so I can decide if I can stay. Backing off doesn't help me emotionally and doesn't give me this information either.  I know this is too long of an intro, but I hope it gives you an idea of where I am in this. I've got great support in my therapist and come really far (and definitely have safety plans in place), so here I'm really just hoping to not feel so alone.

[JustKeepTrying]

SweetCaroline,

Welcome, and I'm so sorry you are here and going through this.

May I say how impressive you are? You are obviously educated and your attempts to stick to boundaries in an emotionally abusive situation is admirable. 

Normally, I would say check out the toolbox first but as a therapist, you are probably aware of those techniques.  But perhaps not - so read it through.  I lurked for years on this board and the techniques in the toolbox at first didn't make sense.  But as I suspected my xh had OCPD, I was unprepared for all the baggage and emotion that goes with letting go of the dream of my marriage.  I was in a similar boat - I knew he was OCPD and his therapist diagnosed him as such - but now he claims she did not.  It is difficult but finally, in the end, pre-divorce, like you, I realized it doesn't really matter.  What matters is how I handle it.

I've said it before on other posts and I will say here - take care of yourself first.  It's like the oxygen mask on the plane - you have to first take care of yourself before you care for others.  It is the same for your husband.  You have to care for yourself - your boundaries - before you can worry about him. 

I lived with it for 32 years.  Crazymaking behavior, emotional, physical, and financial abuse.  It led to a severe immune compromised body with cancer and severe disabilities.  The constant eggshells really messed with me.  So take care of yourself. 

Welcome and hugs. 

[bloomie]

Adding another warm welcome to you, Sweet Caroline. So thankful you have officially joined us as you continue to find the best path forward in your marriage.

Like you, I do believe that there are certain things that reveal a great deal about ourselves and others and the number one is setting healthy, reasonable and appropriate boundaries with another person. How another responds to those, if we are able to set and live within them are ways we can begin to look a bit more objectively at the behaviors we are exhibiting or experiencing and discern where and how we need to make changes.

You are taking great steps forward in your life and doing good work. Sharing in a community like this has helped me not feel so very alone and may hope is that you will find support and validation as you participate. I look forward to seeing you out on the boards!

[SweetCaroline]

Just Keep Trying- Thanks, but it's been 5 years of doing my own therapy to get here. My training was primarily with children & adolescents so I didn't have much practice experience with PD's. I've definitely been re-reading the toolbox. Even with my limited formal knowledge, it's different than when your loved one is engaging in these behaviors in front of you! And sorry to hear about your immune compromised & cancer. I know this stress has played havoc with my health and I have several rare conditions that stress makes worse. I'm definitely learning to put on my oxygen mask first! That's been part of me staying home so I can manage my health, and it was also wanting kids but that's on hold for the moment.

Bloomie - you're so right! I am learning more about myself as I set boundaries.

Thank you both for responding. I don't feel as alone already, and that's a relief!

[SweetCaroline]

Oh, I should also add that I'm fairly certain that PD's were part of my family history. My dad for sure had Avoidant Personality Disorder. He was very reclusive, wouldn't let us kids (as adults) in his house, was hoarding, would silent treatment for years if you made him angry. He wasn't speaking to me when he died suddenly in 2020. As for my mom, I'm not sure how much is narcissism and how much is borderline/histrionic PD and how much was just her response to living w my dad. She's known for pulling the rug out from under you, changing the rules to "teach you a lesson", etc. Even the little I shared about my husband, my mom turned into her stuff- how bad my dad was to her, whether she would need to move (she lives down the street from me & my husband). But that's how these things happen- I didn't have good radar before and didn't know how to set limits. So, I'm also trying to be aware and set them with my family and my husband's family. My brothers are great, though. We can talk & work things out.

My husband's family has some dysfunctional dynamics though. His mom is extremely co dependent, lives with his sister who is the boss of everything. It did not go well with my husband when I set limits this weekend. His sister texted us all to rush for Christmas gathering because his mom was getting impatient (this is common- mom doesn't say her needs, and sister then steps in & orders everyone to do something). We planned to grab coffee & to go breakfast sandwiches on our way out of town and now he doesn't want to stop and I've had nothing yet that day (despite being the one up & getting everything ready while he slept in). I responded to him that I needed to get food & caffeine and texted his sister that she didn't give us a start time and we'd be there when we could get there (I even asked the day before but didn't get an answer of start time). Husband was already upset because he thought we were spending the night, swears I'd agreed to it when I am sure I hadn't, and is now furious that I set limits w his sister and him again. He started in with me, excuses for her behavior, how rude & awful I was, how would I like it if he texted all my family to tell them they're racists, how he slept in for me so I wouldn't feel rushed, how I shouldn't have said anything when we were leaving because I know transitions are rough for him, etc. I told him he could leave me at Starbucks and I'd have someone pick me up & take me home because I wasn't going to be in the car with him for a few hours drive with him acting like that. He ended up taking me home. I failed somewhat at setting limits because I should have stopped the conversation because he spent 2 hours at home basically saying all this crap, how can I be so sure I'm right all the time, and that it's my fault I was ruining his family's Christmas if I didn't go. I didn't go with him to the party. And i did agree to text his family that I wasn't going, he was adamant I "take responsibility" for my actions. I did push back & set limits on lots of the other things he said to me, but I did feel guilty that I was ruining his family's Christmas. I keep reminding myself that it wasn't me, it was him and I was making the choice not to be trapped in the car with him when he's like that. But man this boundary setting stuff sucks sometimes! I'm never sure I'm doing it right. But my therapist said that it's never going to feel right because with the other person's mental illness, I can't be a mind reader and what ge says he wants is often unrealistic, unhealthy, etc. So, it's never going to feel right.

Okay, I'm writing books on here. And I know I've really had the urge to journal but I don't feel it's safe. He's read my journal in the past so I can't write anything real there. So, does anyone have any tips on how to write to process this stuff for yourself and keep it safe when you live w your PD individual?

[JustKeepTrying]

SweetCaroline,

I too have PDs in my backstory - sister, brother, grandmother - all made it seem as if that behavior was normal so why wouldn't my husband do it?! 

I journal daily on my laptop.  The actual file is labeled something boring and benign - and at one point when living with him I passcoded.  I kept it in a cloud system on a server name that was also boring - like grocery or recipes.  I liked the recipe title since it wouldn't look odd if I was logging in to it daily.

There are tips and tricks to keeping searches secret - google it and you find ways.  I never wrote anything longhand because like you experienced - there was no privacy.

Good luck!

[SweetCaroline]

Thanks JustKeepTrying. I might have to try that. He usually doesn't go on my laptop and I can figure out how to passcode. And I definitely have household files on there he has never opened. So something benign could work. Plus, it has the bonus of talk to text if I have a health flare & can't type.