Flaky, flaky, flaky

[artfox]

My unBPDm is super flaky and unreliable. More than once, I've tried to make plans to go do something with her, and she's ended up going without me and then telling me about it later. Or she'll say she's going to do something and then doesn't because she just didn't feel like it.

By now, I feel like I should know better than to believe her, but she still manages to suck me in. She'll ask for details and give me details in return, and it all sounds like it's a thing that's happening...until it doesn't.

Anyone else got one of those?

[StayWithMe]

My mother used to say she was going to do something and then not do it.  For example, for Christmas or birthdays, she gives money.  In the past, she would say that she's going to do it; going to do it..... then finally l learned to say, I tried witdrawing that money you said you put into my account and now I am overdrawn and have incurred charges. 

A couple of times she added more money to "cover the charges" even though I really didn't incur because I checked before I tried to withdraw.

These days, she's quite efficient at doing what she says she is going to do.

If I were you, I would make plans with her and then stand her up.  When she calls you on it, behave exactly the way she does with you.

[notrightinthehead]

My NPDh did that frequently.  He wanted to go to the movies and arrived half an hour late. He wanted to go on a trip, then something important at work came up. Or he had an emotional meltdown, and we could not go. I invited friends for dinner - the time did not suit him, but he found that out a day before. He could not commit to a specific date when I planned the holidays with the kids, I had to change the bookings regularly. For him it was a control thing. I was anxious and on edge and he was in charge.

[artfox]

If I were you, I would make plans with her and then stand her up.  When she calls you on it, behave exactly the way she does with you.

Her bday is coming up. My DH said we should go out to dinner (just him and me), and then tell her what a great birthday dinner we had. Gotta laugh... 

[treesgrowslowly]

Yep. uNPDm did that regularly. And then denial if I pointed it out. "I never said that" instead of "I'm sorry".

[orb]

i've had many "friends" like that...in the past.
i was a magnet for people like that, thanks to the treatment i received from my uNPDparents. i gravitated towards people who would treat me badly, and they gravitated towards me.
once i got Out of the FOG, and realised the true nature of my FOO dynamic, then i began to clearly see the abusive, toxic people i had allowed into my life....some of them had been there, abusing me quietly for decades.
with some therapy and a lot of personal work, i started setting healthy boundaries and sticking to them, and it was astonishing to me how that simple thing enraged my nearest and dearest.
i began to weed them out. i simply went NC with no JADEing....i gave people tons of rope and one by one they hung themselves.
one old "friend" lingered. i gave her a lot of space and leeway, because i figured she needed support.
finally one day, i gave her more leeway than i could afford.
i paid attention to how abandoned, disappointed, and hurt i felt by her actions, once again, i paid attention to how i had arranged my time and resources to host her and she had cancelled without even an explanation, yet again, and i realised i was done.

i know that life happens and everyone needs to cancel occasionally.
i am learning to avoid people who do that recreationally.

[openskyblue]

 

This issue came up for me recently. I have a friend who continually canceled plans. I understand things happen, people get sick, work interferes, but after she cancelled on me 5 times in a row, I cut her loose. Normally, I'd just drift off and never voice my hurt. But this time (oh that fog has lifted), I told her I wasn't going to make plans with her anymore. Never heard a word back.

I figured out later that she would make multiple plans with people, then select the one she preferred and dump the rest. I'm glad I took myself out of that running!

[clara]

What I don't get is...why say you're going to do something in the first place when you have no intention of following through?  It really IS like they say stuff just because it sounds good coming out of their mouths, but beyond that point has no meaning.  Like the other day, a NPD friend who I have low contact with started gushing about how we needed to go to New York together and he'd "show me" NY.  I knew it was all BS as he was talking, but it made no sense why he even brought it up because it wasn't like it was a topic of conversation.  It was as if he needed to show me how great he was and how great his intentions were, even if it was all false.  It's like the thing with chronic lying and exaggeration--what, exactly, is the point?  Or is there really no point?  It's just part and parcel of the PD? 

[openskyblue]

Sometimes I think people just get swept up in the moment. You're out with your old college roomie and you dream about that swell trip you took to San Francisco back in the day. Hey let's do that again! (Or just order another round of beers...)

Other times it's just PD posturing, like your NY friend.

In both cases, it's good to keep a firm hold on the spider sense bulls**tometer, right?