The situation has become so awkward

[Amy-Rose]

Hey, so I have finally taken the plunge for a second time in removing a negative person from my life. I just got tired of the lies, manipulation, using me, hot/cold treatment and her general total lack of care towards me and everything being about her. She posted the right stuff on facebook, said all the noble things yet would do the opposite when she thought no one was looking.

Last Wednesday she left her two elderly dogs home alone for 17 hours so she could go to London for the day, and never even got anyone to check in on them. It's was pure accident I even noticed she'd left them for so long. She calls herself an animal lover but she only seems to love them for an audience. Her dogs are left alone in darkness for hours, and dumped onto anyone that will take them once.
/twice a month so she can go away.
At the point I noticed I didn't know she'd simply gone out for the day and become worried when I couldn't get her to answer the door or any messages from me telling her I was worried about her. For all I knew she could have been in an accident. I then noticed her car was still home and became more worried once 13 hours had passed. Her car was home, the house in darkness and her dogs were crying at the front door. She'd seen my messages but ignored them.

This is someone who claims depression and suicidal thoughts. Once it hit 17 hours I called the police. They asked me to see if a light was on (I live opposite her). Nothing. Just then I see her come home, so told them all was well. The police seemed concerned she'd merely gone out for the day and left her dogs 17 hours and recommended I report her for it. Not knowing the full story I sent another concerned message. She saw it but didn't bother to reply until 9am the next morning saying her phone was playing up and that she'd been "wiped out in bed" with some illness and had been home all day. I saw her leave at 5:30am. Neither of her dogs got walked at all that day. I was only about at 5:30am as I volunteer for a wild life shelter and they asked me to collect a baby hedgehog trapped in a drain. I was heading out when I saw her leaving.

I knew she was lying again and so called her out on it. Told her she should be ashamed for treating her pets like disposable toys and lying all the time. Her reply as usual was. "sorry you feel that way."
As you can imagine I wasn't very pleasant back. I didn't swear at her, just told her how selfish and fake she was. That I couldn't have someone like her in my life and if she left her dogs that long again when she has "tons" of friends who could look after them I would report her.  No response, she just blocked me. Those poor dogs just have an existence. They get fed and walked if she has nothing better to do. But they are both so old I couldn't see them getting to a kennel. They have behavioural problems too. The eldest dog got hit by a car because she let it off it's lead in a busy car park and was limping on it's back leg but she didn't take it to a vet.

For the next few days she kept all the lights out in her house. Parked her car where she thought I couldn't see it, then bought black out drapes to close at night so I couldn't see any lights on. She wont even come out of her flat if I'm outside which makes things very awkward.  I feel guilty and feel like I was too hard on her even though I was not. Finding I'm swinging between elation and feeling really down. Glad to be rid of her but also sad. I miss the dogs and worry about them. They live in a dark, hoarded house with her or dumped on others (one even her methed up relative).

But it was just her. She was freakishly private. She lied, manipulated, used. Could never accept any blame. Others even commented on the fact they noticed how stressed, angry and anxious I've been since she was in my life. She wouldn't even discuss her lies with me. I heard later from a mutual friend they had gone to London for the day. And she lied so casually and effortlessly. Even another friend has acknowledged her stories don't add up. Another neighbour commented on how she seems constantly angry, emotionally unstable and can be quite paranoid sometimes. I didn't end the friendship based on this one event, it was the last straw. There's been so many red flags from her.

Problem is, we have a mutual friend we go out for lunches with. This woman has just lost her only family, her sister who was like her best friend. The last thing she needs is drama that doesn't involve her.
What do I say next month when she wants the three of us to go out to lunch?
How can I be around this ex friend now? Especially with all her odd behaviour. Is it paranoia or spite? It's like she's trying to hide from me (parking her car miles away instead on outside my house. Keeping lights out. Putting black out drapes up windows. hiding when she seems me in the street).

It's a bit dramatic. But My words were pretty cutting because after 12 months of just ignoring lies and keeping my cool I lost my rag. I have a quick temper, especially with cold people who don't think of their pets needs. I felt strong and positive this morning but tonight I doubting myself. Is that silly? I don't feel settled in my own home anymore.

Thanks for any replies and opinions.

[notrightinthehead]

I would be worried about these dogs too. Since you got such a positive response from the police, I wonder if you could call an animal welfare organization and report your neighbor?

[Amy-Rose]

I have two concerns there:

1)  These dogs are extremely old, like I very much doubt they'll even be here in 6 months. I think they'd be put to sleep. Also, one was abused and is very snappy to people she doesn't know. Plus deaf. The reason my friend got her from the rescue was because they couldn't find a home for her. She only fostered her but the dog kept getting sent back for biting. A dog like that shouldn't even have been up for adoption.

2) She's very vindictive. I report her she'll just start finding things to report me for.

I'll simply keep an eye on things and make sure she isn't leaving them too long. I threatened to report her if she did it again so maybe that'll make her think. She only did it because she thought she'd get away with it.

[Catothecat]

Actions always do speak louder than words, and the fact that she just leaves her pets to fend for themselves shows who she really is.  She can say what she wants but what she does speaks the truth.  Unfortunately, she may need someone like you who "keeps an eye out" in order to behave.  Since she knows you know what's up, she might behave better towards her pets.  We can only hope so. 

As far as the mutual friend, if I were you I'd tell the other friend you no longer associate with the person but if she'd like to get together with you, you'd be happy to do so.  Don't worry about what your former friend thinks because it's not worth it.  Whatever is wrong with her, you've tried to help and deal with and be there and for what?  She isn't responding and rather seems to enjoy what she thinks is a game of subterfuge with you.  Yeah, it's a lot of drama but let her have it without you as an audience participant.  She probably enjoys thinking that you worry about her (hence her willingness to keep you wondering for so long) so maybe somehow let her know that you no longer care about her, she can do what she wants, but she better not mistreat her dogs because you DO care about them.  Don't back down, don't blink.  And above all don't feel guilty because you didn't cause any of this.  This behavior is in and on her.

[Amy-Rose]

Thanks Cat,
I did let her know I'd be keeping an eye on her. If she wants to go out for 17 hours, great, just make sure someone is watching those dogs.

I definitely will just say we'll go out in future alone without her. She was happy to leave me all night worrying. I think she likes playing mind games. It's just all the cloak and dagger stuff is a bit unsettling.  She's only making life hard for herself.

Thanks for the response.

[Srcyu]

I used to be in various groups on Facebook and always, without fail, something would crop up that absolutely sickened me and I would have to leave. It always involved mistreating children or cruelty to animals despite the subject matter being support for personality disorders.

I joined this forum because the majority of people here are mature and fairly calm. I believed this would be a far better place than anywhere on Facebook. I was almost right.

Based on what you have said it is obvious that I reside in the same country as you.
There are very clear Laws here as to what amounts to animal cruelty and this is what you have been describing. Two dogs trapped in a filthy, dark house where they cry from behind the locked door. No vet treatment for them when they are hurt. Unresolved behaviour problems.

Now this is where it all gets a bit strange. There are no animal refuges or charities in this country where we live that would release a dog like the one you have described without thorough checks and backup. That would include regular visits to an approved vet. So this story doesn't quite add up.

Your claim that you can't report her because she would then report you is puzzling,  The evidence is glaringly obvious that the animals are suffering. Being old, deaf and prone to biting does not excuse that type of treatment.
There are not many places that would put those animals to sleep, not unless they were ill.

Those animals need help and you, apparently, are frozen into doing nothing about it.

[Amy-Rose]

My problem is these dogs are fed, watered and walked twice a day for the majority of the time. And if you really believe most rescues only put down ill dogs then you may want to check sources. I know a rescue who have a NO KILL policy and yet a healthy 18 month old puppy was put down in their care. I reported it. Guess what the charity commission did? NOTHING. Not a damn thing.
I've reported worse cases of neglect and abuse to our main animal rescue and they did nothing because the dog had "adequate" shelter and fresh food/water daily and was walked.

She got one of the dogs (the old deaf one) from a foreign charity she took on as a foster dog, but was unable to rehome her. How was she even able to foster a dog 6 years ago in a hoarded house? Even a foster should have been home checked. They knew her as she'd been over to volunteer but still. Either they never bothered to check her or did and still passed her. The dog lived on the street. It was a roof over her head and it freed a kennel for them, obviously.

Her treatment of the dogs was why I broke contact with her, but since this is a forum for people with personality disorders i.e. narcissistic traits I kept it off the subject of neglect and focused it more on her behaviour towards me (as dealing with problematic people is the topic of this forum, not animal care). The chances are nothing will be done. I think the system in this country is crap. I live in the UK not the U.S where regulations seem much stricter.

Thanks for answering and for your time.

[countrygirl]

Hi Amy-Rose,

I have noticed that the way people treat their animals is often a reflection of how they treat people, and that seems to be the case with this woman.  Years ago, I had a friend who had no empathy for an old cat she'd adopted.  When I would complain about how this person treated me, another friend would say, "Just remember how she treated that cat." 

There's also an old English say:  "Show me a man's horse, and I'll tell  you who he is."  Meaning if the horse is well-cared for and in a good mood, the owner is someone who cares about other creatures.

It's so great that you rescued a baby hedgehog!   What adorable creatures they are.  The only ones here are pets, because they aren't found in the wild in the U.S.

[Amy-Rose]

Countrygirl:

So true!

The baby was dehydrated, hungry and had a parasite infection. He's now out of the woods (so to speak) and I've applied to foster him over the winter. He'll then be released over the spring next year. I had no idea you didn't have wild hedgie in the U.S.

[xredshoesx]

it has to be a hard call between reporting what you already have, knowing if you keep on it, there will be a consequence to you.  it sounds like you did the best you could in the circumstances.   i think it would be very challenging to be an observer to all this and not getting even more wrapped up in the toxicity of the neighbor.   

[countrygirl]

Hi,

Can someone tell me, please, how to reply to just one person on a thread?  I read what everyone has to say, but sometimes I want to respond to a particular person--but still reply within the thread. 

At any rate, I agree with xredshoesx that this is a very challenging situation, and I don't know anything about how things are handled in the U.K.   But I can tell that Amy-Rose is a real animal lover, and has done and is doing what she can for the poor dogs. 

I hope you do get to foster that hedgie over the winter, Amy-Rose.  And, no, we don't have wild hedgies in the U.S.  I know someone who says his family in the U.K. used to leave saucers of milk out for them.  Is that something that is commonly done, or is it bad for them?   They have the cutest little faces!  I think you're much better off with one of them than with some of these people.  People are just so complex, our brains are so big, maybe too complex for our emotions? 

[Amy-Rose]

@country girl
Some forum do have the ability for you to reply directly to a comment but on this one I don't see that so I just do an @ which means "at" meaning you're directing your response solely to that individual. But if anyone else knows a better way I'd like to know also.

As for hedgies, milk has been discovered to be very bad for them as they are lactose intolerant. I just put out jugs when it rains, catch the rain water and put it in a low sided bowl for them (tap water is good too) then I put out mushed up cat food. I have a youngster in my garden right now. I weighed him and he's under 500g which is on the small side for hibernating but he seems very healthy no tics and very few fleas so I'm just putting plenty of food for him down and I'll weigh him again in a week. I like their little black noses. My squirrel that I fostered as a baby is now 4 and had her first two sets if babies this year. She never wanders far away but lives in the tree outside my bedroom window, she's sort of semi tame. And they totally freak her out because some of them do wander in the day time when pregnant. I'll be fostering the little guy in a few days. I've called him "milo". I do prefer animals to most people. They don't have the complexity or the difficulty showing emotions that are genuine.
I fostered a young magpie over the summer and he used to copy sounds around him. People thought I had a dog because he'd  copy the sounds.

Any how I could talk about them all day. Thanks for taking the time to reply. 

[countrygirl]

Hi Amy-Rose,

Thanks for the tip about using @ to direct a reply.

I had a feeling that milk wasn't the best for hedgies.  I've heard that story about feeding them milk a few times, but as I wrote to you yesterday, I thought that milk was probably not good for them...  Didn't see any hedgies the time I visited this person's home.  But did see a magpie for the first time.  They are very striking!   And I like squirrels.  At my parents' house, there are red squirrels.  I think the American variety is smaller than those in the U.K.?  The ones here are much smaller than our common gray squirrels.  I love their coloration and their tufty ears. 

You know, I so often feel comforted when thinking about animals, but find it rare to feel that way about people.  Of course there are people I love and trust, but they are few and far between.  I like people easily, but then find that I've trusted them too soon.  There's that old saying that you are fortunate if you can have enough true friends to count them on the fingers of one hand, and I find that to be true.  It is so hard when you know the human part of an equation isn't working out, but you are still concerned about the animals associated with them.

[BuzzyBee]

I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this, and sorry for her dogs. My opinion is if you can't take care of them, you shouldn't have them. I believe many don't know what a commitment it is to have dogs. She seems like she would be a great cat person though lol. Anyways, it's extremely painful to lose a friendship. But although it may hurt, and it is awkward, you haven't done anything wrong. It sounds like she is full of fear, with the curtains and parking away from you and the lies. People don't do those things unless they're afraid of being found out. You also said she is fake, which over time the facade wears. The bright side of this is that you didn't fall for the lies and saw the truth and even called her out on it. Her reactions speak volumes of her character. You did yourself a favor by taking yourself out of this equation. You spoke truth in the situation and were met with hostility. Just be careful, I know you're afraid of retaliation, and she seems very passive aggressive. I hope you heal from this and find a better friend, you deserve it.

[Amy-Rose]

@BuzzyBee -
Thanks for the reply. It's been a whole month and nothing's changed. Unluckily she still seems to be avoiding me like the plague and has made no attempts to contact me. Not caused me any drama but still feel like she will if she can find something. She likes to report people a LOT but it's hard when someone isn't doing anything wrong. I miss the dogs badly.
But I have a hedgehog being fostered with me at the moment and he's a full time job so it keeps me distracted.
Thanks you for taking the time to give me your thoughts.

[countrygirl]

Hi Amy Rose,

I just read your reply to BuzzyBee, and saw you mentioned the hedge!  How is he doing?  How does he bathe?  I have seen people put them in the sink.  Do you do that, or let him have a shallow bowl? 

Sorry you miss the dogs still, but it's indicative of how much you cared for them.

[Amy-Rose]

Hey countrygirl hope you're well.

He's doing amazing and put on so much weight. For a while he was bathed for medical reasons but it's actually not a good idea to bath them too much as it disrupts the ph levels of the skin and hogs don't bath in the wild so it terrifies them. I used to bath him in the bath tube as there was room for him to run around and since it was medical shampoo it needed to sit on him. Then I'd rinse him with the show head on low as if it were rain. He hated it.

Now it doesn't have to be done. But now I have him in my big cupboard with a cooling radiator as he's the right weight for hibernating and it's important he regulates himself before being released into the wild. Yesterday he started building a nest so I think he's soon off for the big sleep/ Cooling his environment helps prompt hibernation.

It's currently 4am here and I'm still awake as he's full of energy tonight and trashed his cage wanting to come back out. So I had a nap on the coach and woke up to find him stuck in my plant pot. I don't know how mumma hedgehogs cope.

Anyway hope you're life is going ok. Take care x

[countrygirl]

Hi Amy Rose,

I'm doing well, thank you. 

You know, when I wrote yesterday, I started to ask you about hibernation.  I assumed "hogs" hibernated, but wasn't sure.  Now I know.  And I also know they don't like to bathe, so those videos of people letting them float in the sink were, unfortunately, videos of people unintentionally terrifying their hogs.  I have spent my life with horses, and so often see people, with the best intentions, doing things which are not making their horses happy. 

The image of the little hog stuck in your plant pot is pretty funny, although I'm sure he was not amused.  And you are indeed a hog mama at the moment, waking up when baby needs attention!   Well, I imagine that St. Francis is smiling at you daily!   

[Amy-Rose]

I used to have horses! And yes many people doing foolish things with them, but horses teach hard lessons.
I use to have a gypsy vanner! I love horses.

[countrygirl]

Gypsy Vanners are so cool!  Glad to hear that you love horses!   

I agree with what you say about foolish people around horses:  "Horses teach hard lessons."