Will this ever get better?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I've been in therapy, therapy groups, other types of recovery for decades to work on the past trauma from growing up with abuse and from a FOO with PD's.  I have made progress.  I don't despise myself anymore and have learned how to have a loving and forgiving relationship with myself.  That's huge, I guess. 

Somehow, though, I have never been able to develop trust in my ability to be loved and valued by others.  I'm always on guard for people to treat me like my FOO, until they prove otherwise and prove it over a long period of time.   This causes me to be suspicious, to not share very openly, to withdraw, and to people please.  I'm always expecting people to figure out they don't want to be around me and then disappear.  And that eventually I will just be all alone and die that way.   I'm so sick of it! 

I'm in trauma T again for this stuff.  Maybe my recovery from these things never fully took off before bc I had a PD partner.  Maybe I've only been starting the work in earnest the past 2 yrs since I left him.  Nothing to do but keep at it.

[notrightinthehead]

Dear Lookin this is great that you have built a loving and forgiving relationship with yourself.  That is a great basis to come back to. I have started to open up a little bit at a time.  Sometimes to total strangers, sometimes to people I shared a hobby with. Not so much at work. There are always opportunities to share something personal. An observation, an opinion, an experience.  To my great surprise I have found that most people responded with interest or somehow positively.  It took me courage, sometimes it still does. But it got easier with practice. I keep telling myself that I am strong enough now to show people around me my real me and give them a chance to like me or not.  The ones who don't like me should disappear quickly.  Sadly, given our history, we should be vigilant as we are prone to become targets for PDs. At the same time by showing our real self  we keep PDs away - we no longer move in a world of smoke and mirrors. Good luck and keep us posted on your progress!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks, Not Right.  I always value what you share.

Good point about not getting hoodwinked by a smooth talking PD who slowly starts pressuring you to bend to their will and keeps upping the ante while you slowly get brought to a boil like a frog.  Pretty soon you're shaking your head:  How did I get myself into an abusive relationship again? 

Much like the first drink for an alcoholic ("what could it hurt?"),  those first times we abandon ourselves and comply, so as to not "rock the boat," we're placing ourselves in that pot again.  I hope I'm done with that!  And, as you say, if we're not willing to do that for them, they're not willing to stick around.  Self-care and protection against falling in with a PD accomplished. Thank you again for all you give to this forum, Not Right!