What is this?

[pianissimo]

I have found myself in situation that's hard to describe. If I didn't believe in the "trust your gut" motto, I would have dismissed my feelings thinking "I guess I'm being too sensitive".

So, since September, I have been commuting to work with a group of friends. We carpool together. The car owner (the person who drives the car) is my friend. Since then, I have been learning to drive so that I can take his share (he drives us back and forth four days a week). And, these days, I feel like I'm getting to that point. But, I also feel like, at least in my first couple of attempts, I would not feel comfortable taking him with me. I don't know how it happened, when I talk about my experiences with learning how to drive, the conversation gets odd. He goes quiet? I don't know, whatever goes down, I regret bringing it up. This also disappoints me because I actually need his support. Like, the other day, I talked about driving to school by myself at some point, and, I kind of hoped that he would encourage me. I don't know, normally people go like "Oh, I can come with you", but, no. He advised me to practice my driving on a route to some place closer. The thing is, I had already done that but he doesn't know it. But, since I'm new, I needed encouragement, so I didn't insist. In our conversations about me learning to drive, he is usually like that. Before this conversation, when I talked about pulling up the courage to drive to work, he would advise me to take the car to the fifth gear and take it easy. At this point, I have come to the conclusion he is not really there when I talk to him about my learning process, and he is only saying things that are supposed to make sense.

So, currently, I have made plans to drive to school next week. But, I kind of feel stuck in relation to him. For one thing, I don't want to drive to work with him, not at first. I think that I would prefer to go on my own. But, then, I would be leaving him to drive others to work on his own. To me, it feels like abandoning him. And, I'm asking myself, why am I feeling this way? We had no talk as to how we would go about carpooling. At some point, I felt like he needed my company en route. Maybe because one of the colleagues is very difficult to put up with, or I don't know. I think I genuinely think friendship required keeping him company, and, I guess, I thought if he needed that, it was valid. But, then, he never communicated this to me. I just have the impression that he needs that. I suppose, I got this impression because it felt like he resented it if I took a day off. There was a time I talked about scheduling the carpooling and this would allow me to stay at home for a day or two, but he gave me a look. So, it felt like, he resented the idea. I understand why he might, the journey with the people we have in the car is not easy. But, in turn, I resent him for his lack of support in relation to me learning how to drive. I mean, I can't think of a better word to explain it, he was unbelievably shit when it came to support me in the process. What makes me angry is that, he appears to care, and, to me, this feels fake.  He says and does just enough so that he can say "Yes, I helped you when you needed it."

The other thing is, I don't know how, but, sometimes, he imposes decisions on me. Today, I said I would take the day off tomorrow so that a new colleague who doesn't have anybody else to commute to work with can take my space. I like her, so I felt like doing this. But he went like "Oh there is no need for that", and the unspoken deal that I accompany him to work sealed the decision. But (unfortunately, with a delay) this pissed me off. Like, how did I get here? Since when I let this guy make these kinds of decisions for me?

There are other feelings that make me a lot more angry with him. One thing is, I'm having the impressions there is some sort of conflict between this new colleague and some people I don't talk to, and ,it felt like, in my friend's comment that "Oh there is no need for that" , there was a trace of that tension. He is friends with the other side, and, I expect they talk to him about the newcomer. It irritates me to think that he, indirectly, made me feel guilty enough to keep him company, and he took advantage of this to take side in a conflict, and made me a part of it. The other thing is, I like the newcomer and I want to be decent with her.

In relation to all this, I'm thinking of staying in a hotel near work tomorrow night so that there will be space for the new colleague. I also feel like detaching from whatever thing I found myself in. I'm also thinking of driving to work by myself, and,I will honestly tell him I would feel nervous if he came with me. It feels terrible  to think of doing this, but, I ended up feeling suffocated. The thing is, I am not that close with him. How did I get here?

What makes me tired is, there is always a part of me who wonders if I'm too paranoid. Well... I think I deserve my independence. There is something wrong in the picture. Also, all this makes the whole thing about learning to drive sooooo hard.

One final thing is, why do I feel terrified of skipping the trip back home with him tomorrow? Is this about me? Is it because I don't like conflict and I'm afraid this will be understood as some kind of rebellion? Am I really rebelling against him? Is this about him? Is it because he somehow communicated the idea that me not sticking with him is some kind of a deal breaker? I can't tell.

What do you think?

[Penny Lane]

I think your path forward will become clear if you think about: What are your options, and what do YOU want to do?

In this post there's a lot of consideration of others' feelings. What does your friend want, feeling like you're abandoning him, making sacrifices so the new colleague can get a ride.

It sounds like what you want to do is drive by yourself to work for the time being. You are allowed to do that! And in fact that is a totally reasonable thing. You don't need to ask permission, and you don't really need to worry about what happens to the carpool in the meantime.

Here is a suggested script: "As I get comfortable driving I'm going to practice driving to work on my own. Thank you so much for generously offering to carpool. My hope is that when I get more confident I will return the favor. In the meantime have fun without me!"

That's it, definitely no need to apologize or justify your decision. And unless you want to have a big picture conversation, you don't have to tell him that you feel suffocated! You just say that things have changed on your end and the arrangement will change along with it.

I think you are spending a lot of time and energy worrying about will others get what they want and need. This is a relatively low-stakes situation and it's a good time to practice letting go of that. I don't think anyone would expect you to take a day off work or stay in a hotel so a colleague can take your spot in the carpool.

I don't know enough about your friend to know if he is toxic - he certainly might be. But I also think there's a LOT going on in your head that he has no idea about. It may very well not occur to him that you are looking for this support in learning to drive. Unless you have told him, he has no reason to think this is a fraught issue and even if you have told him, he might not really understand it unless he's been in a similar position. Similarly, it's very possible that he gave you a look because taking a day off is a big sacrifice to make for a new colleague! Is it possible that his look was confusion, like, what am I missing that you're willing to make this sacrifice for a new colleague?

I hope you get what you need out of this. It sounds like what you ultimately need is to drive yourself to work alone, and that is totally reasonable and within your power. Good luck!

[1footouttadefog]

Congrats on learning to drive.  I have taught several folks to drive so I understand what this might mean to you and the anxieties that are likely associated with it all.

It seems there are some dynamics in your carpool relationship that might be a little cringe.  It sounds sort of a "work husband/work wife" senareo.  A sort of proxy relationship where a power dynamic is playing out.

I could simply be that this driver has become used to your company and will miss it alot, he may be very lonely outside of this time traveling together. 

Regardless of what is behind the complexity you are feeling and experiencing, you are entitled to change things.  You are moving on from needing a full-time car pool.  You need not give any other information.

I think some thing along the lines of what the previous post suggests is perfect. 

I would inform that you need to drive alone for a while.  Simple enough. I would also keep the door open to participating in the car pool in the future.  How awesome to have a carpool with redundancy in drivers and such. 


A lighter side of carpooling story just for fun
I had a carpool once where I was the driver.  We added a woman who was a total narc.  She was disabled and in a wheel chair and even though my friends and and I are total empaths and caretakers it was so awful we had to shake her off.  I am sure it will make me seem terrible even writing this and I chuckle as I am prone to judge at times , but believe me, she was terrible.  At first she was telling us my friends ends smokers breath triggered her as she could not stand smoking and weeks later she was insisting peoole tolerate her smoking.  She kept us waiting, changed the times etc etc.  As fate would have it the transmission on my older BMW went out and I had to drive my even older beach buggie. It had had an electric fire so the engine lid was a different color and the seats were difference colors because my seats were stolen from the car while the engine work was being done and I had loaner seats while trying to locate used seats from a junk yard.  I was missing the front passenger seat  which worked perfectly as there would be a place for her wheel chair while she sat in the back. She was not going to be seen riding in my old beach buggie and found another ride very quickly. 

[pianissimo]

Penny Lane and 1footouttadefog, many thanks for your replies.

I actually went along with my plan, and it turned out fine. It seems like we are all good.

Penny Lane, you are right that I'm taking care of people in this situation, and, not just my friend who drives the car. But, then, this attitude also protects me in some ways. I could go along with the arrangement, and take the seat. As you said, nobody expects me to give my seat to anybody else. But, then, when I feel like giving it, I don't want to be prevented from doing that either. So, today, I went ahead and did that, and, it felt like, I claimed my identity in some sense. I felt free.

My problem is that, this guy says things that set my expectation about what the arrangement is about in one way, then behaves the other way. I think, in general, he is like that. If you ask him, he would tell you he has no problem whatsoever with the carpooling, all is fine, but, then he sulks when I don't show up. I have been wondering what I was observing in him for a while, and the only explanation that makes sense to me is that he is emotionally unavailable. I sometimes wonder if he is aware of how he actually feels himself. Does he know that he is upset when he actually is upset? I suppose not. There are times a mutual friend teases him in a mildly abusive way, it clearly bothers him, but he doesn't respond. But, I think that, he behaves passive aggressively to make it up for that. The toxicity in our friendship comes from that, I think. Like, again, the way he is around me feels like he doesn't care about me, it's all chill, but, he seems to be tuned with my mood, like, when I'm annoyed, he tries to manage my mood in some way. It's so weird when I think about it.

About supporting me in the car situation, this is, again, something we talked about in summer. He talked about the whole thing in a way that created these expectations that he would help me. Though, I think that, when it comes to help, he is not equipped to do basics, like talking. The other thing is, I suspect his wife is having a similar problem with driving: anxious driver. He says he is an anxious driver himself. It's possible he can't handle with anybody else's anxiety when he has to deal with his own. But, again, I just observe these from spending time with them. Again, something weird in the relationship is that, situations in which I asked for help, seems like, encouraged them to practice driving too. But, if you asked them how they were doing about the car thing, they would tell you they were doing great. Eventually, the whole dynamic in relation to driving made me feel like I'm being too much. But, again, if you ask them, they are there to help me whenever I need it. The thing is, I don't need the help per se, I just need a person who would talk to me.

So, the reasons I'm in JADE state in this friendship is that... Well, I don't know. Perhaps I'm desperate. I think that the car exposed my vulnerabilities to me in many ways, so, I feel powerless. It reduces my emotional capacity to deal with people's imperfections. It brings this child in me and makes me ripe for exploitation. At this point, my driving anxiety is around the fact that I shift to a state of mind that leaves me vulnerable to other people's abuse. I have been working my way through all this, but, the fear is there. What if I need help again? Who will show up? Well. This is another topic.

Despite all my worries, I intend to not have him in the car when I drive. I will also not talk about driving to him, so that I can remain friends with him. Because, I end up resenting him more and more. I think I might actually tell him this is a decision I made because his attitude around the issue raised my eyebrows.

1footouttadefog, he is married, and, he loves his wife. This is something about him that feels healthy and safe to me. His attachment to me feels healthy too. I suppose this is why I'm friends with him. I think that it's not my company he wants in the car, it's somebody who is familiar. For example, today, there was a mutual friend in the car too, and, this kind of made it OK that I didn't go. Like, the narc in your carpool, we have one too!  She ended up commuting to work with us, because nobody else wants to go to work with her. Thank God, I have learned about narcissism, so, I don't feel bad about not humoring her. I suppose I'm grey rocking her, but, I guess people around me find it cold or cruel. So, on Wednesdays, if I don't join in, that leaves him alone with her. Well, that sounds like a nightmare to me. I must say that, I think that his lack of emotional literacy and passive aggressive nature don't help with the situation. He should be able to tell her off. Again, the dynamic in the car pushed me to policing her. This is another aspect of the problem we are having. I'm stern with her but don't gossip about her, others humour her, and then joke about her behind her back to deal with their annoyance. It becomes tense when I don't participate in this. So, he could totally tell her off. There is another (and a lot more humble) way to commute to work (by taking a mini coach) and other people in the car take this option quite regularly. He can totally refuse her company. But, no.

So, my plan, as you both recommend, to commute to work on my own for a while (a huge step), then join carpooling as another driver. I might actually raise the issues I have been having all this time when I do this. Not being one of the drivers, I didn't feel like complaining a lot and this is possibly part of the reason I felt like accommodating my friend's unspoken needs around the arrangement. I hope this all works out for the best. Writing up here definitely helps.  Thanks for reading.