Breaking Up With The In-Laws While Still Married - Help

[goldtracedcloud]

New here and needing advice on how to take an extended break from difficult in-laws.  Have been married for 10 years, and in recent years my relationship with my in-laws has soured (now questioning if it was ever that great).  Having life limiting physical health issues related to stress and husband and I have both agreed that it would be good for me to take a long break from seeing his parents.  He has and likely will go to family events here and there without me.  The problem is I'm lost on what to say to decline seeing them.  I don't want to always use my health as an excuse, although it is a legitimate reason preventing me from being able to be around them - I no longer feel comfortable sharing details with them as they don't care nor do they believe me.  There are many other family dynamics at play here, including but not limited to a very malignant personality that has married into the family and who has been extremely hostile towards me.  I'm so uncomfortable with this person that I have a 5 minute rule when talking to her and try to avoid ever being alone with her, as when I am, extreme jealousy and verbal daggers come flying at me.  Yet my in-laws enable this person to no end, gaslight me and my husband, and act as though I am responsible for her behavior even though she's been rude and outrageous towards everyone.  They are so skilled at gaslighting and so pathologically passive it is very hard if not impossible to accomplish anything with direct conversations.  I've come to realize I cannot win with them and will likely always be blamed for their unhappiness, as they wish their son was enmeshed with them and blame any independence of his on me, and they wish for us to put up with hostility from someone that we are not willing to.  Anyone else ever broken up with or taken a long break from their in-laws while still married? Could really use tips on what I or my husband could say to help me avoid them.  Thanks so much for any help.

[Rst1024]

I feel you!  I pretty much decline all invites from my mother-in-law now and only see her 2x a year when we have them over for  Christmas and Easter.  I wanted to be more direct with her instead of having to think of excuses every time she tried to guilt me into doing something (the excuses made me feel more guilty somehow).  Now I'll say something to the effect of "That doesn't work for me but thanks for the invite!", "I'm not up for getting together now, we'll see you at Christmas.", "Mike will be there, thanks for the invite!", "I won't be there but hope everyone enjoys!", "I'm not up for hosting you, hope you're doing well though!"...something like that.  It somehow takes the internal guilt I feel off of me.  If she keeps pressuring, I'll just repeat my answer again but not engage in arguing.   Not sure if that helps but you're not alone!

[Cosmo]

This is such a difficult situation, and you have taken some important steps toward addressing it in a way that is healthy for you. I hope you can see how much you have already done to take care of yourself.

In my marriage, I've also struggled with my MIL, and it took some time to recognize her destructive behaviors and realize that I didn't have to endure them. She said some ugly things while drinking, meddled in our relationship, and thank god, moved several thousand miles away. That really helped, but I knew I needed to continue to proactively protect myself from her aggression. First, I stopped calling her or talking on the phone with her. Not having to respond or create excuses on the fly gave me a little space. She could email or contact me through my spouse if she needed to. I didn't tell her this; I just faded out.

Now, when I see her, and she brings up more visits or time together, I tend to respond as if I'm talking to an acquaintance whom I don't want to commit to being friends with. Polite and vague. I also keep conversation extremely neutral—boring, really. Not sure that it's the healthiest approach, but I try to keep things very light and noncommittal. In my case the consistency of only communicating through certain means has helped create distance and my GR approach when we are together (maybe once a year at this point) has also helped maintain the boundary. If any of this is helpful, I'm glad. If not, at least know, that you are so not alone with this, and you seem to be bringing a lot of insight to the situation.

I'm very sorry to hear about your health issues. That is a lot to deal with, and although I understand that you don't want to use them as an excuse, know that they are valid as one. You are important and your needs are, too. —Cosmo

[Cat of the Canals]

Seconding everything above. Be polite but vague and firm. A cheerful "NO THANK YOU!" can get you out of a great many things. If they start playing the, "Why have you been so distant lately?" game, you simply say, "Oh, I'm so sorry you've interpreted it that way. I've really just been incredibly busy! Nothing personal."

Some people choose to be direct about needing a break, and I think there's a time and place for directness. Just be wary that this type of thing is often taken as a declaration of war to a PD. They often play the victim or start hounding you about WHEN they'll be forgiven, etc.

I'd also recommend checking out the Medium Chill guide in the Toolbox. It's full of useful phrases that fit the Polite, Vague, Firm bill.

[goldtracedcloud]

These tips are super helpful - thank you!!  & Thanks for the encouraging words as well!

[Starboard Song]

Some people choose to be direct about needing a break, and I think there's a time and place for directness. Just be wary that this type of thing is often taken as a declaration of war to a PD. They often play the victim or start hounding you about WHEN they'll be forgiven, etc.

I'd also recommend checking out the Medium Chill guide in the Toolbox. It's full of useful phrases that fit the Polite, Vague, Firm bill.

Cat is again spot on. If you tell a healthy, stable person that "it's nothing personal, I just need to take a break from seeing you," they will in fact take it very personally. Tell that to a disordered person and it is fighting words.

So vague and clear is the order of the day. And blame your health. Your health won't be offended. Try to load up with saccharine words, a cheery voice, and friendly eclamation points.

Instead of "I won't be able to make it," you go long with "Oh goodness! I am sure you all will enjoy that. Thanks for the invitation, but I am not going to be able to make it. Y'all have a great time!"

That kind of cheer is nearly free to fake and goes a long way.

Good luck.

[goldtracedcloud]

@starboard thanks!  I really like the idea of redirecting the focus to polite/positive sentiments like "you guys have a great time!" & You're right about my health...it'll be more offended if I force myself to be around them than if I use it as an excuse.  Needed these reminders to be polite & vague.  Going to pass some of this along to my husband too!

[lkdrymom]

I'd start off with vague answers.  Hoping that will work for a while.  If they push for a reason I don't see why the truth shouldn't work.  "Aunt Sally gets very hostile with me if we end up alone in the same room.  I am just not comfortable being around her so I will stay home and avoid a confrontation".

[goldtracedcloud]

Thank you for your suggestion, lkdrymom.  When I hear or see someone else say it, sounds like a very reasonable response if I do end up having to be more direct. & it is 100% true.  I do not know why they think being around this person more wouldn't be a guarantee of conflict/confrontation between us.  I guess it is likely that they just don't care unless it's them dealing with the hostility from her - that is the pattern I've seen, after all.

[Phoenix18]

Now I'll say something to the effect of "That doesn't work for me but thanks for the invite!", "I'm not up for getting together now, we'll see you at Christmas.", "Mike will be there, thanks for the invite!", "I won't be there but hope everyone enjoys!", "I'm not up for hosting you, hope you're doing well though!"...something like that.  It somehow takes the internal guilt I feel off of me.  If she keeps pressuring, I'll just repeat my answer again but not engage in arguing.   Not sure if that helps but you're not alone!

This is all excellent! I'm learning to use phrases like these as well. Stops them in their tracks and yet alleviates guilt because it's perfectly reasonable and polite. I've got a list and practice them every day. Adding these to the list!

[Hilltop]

I would actually redirect all enquiries through your husband.  If you get an invite get him to casually respond in conversation with your inlaws such as "Yeah I'll see you on Sat but Counteract has something on so she won't be there".  In time they will get use to hearing from him rather than you.  If they say something just be vague with "yeah I'm so busy but hopefully husband passed on the message'.

I actually wouldn't use your illness at all.  This will give them material to gossip and complain about later.  Keep it completely neutral such as, you are busy, have an appointment, seeing family, seeing friends, rinse and repeat.  This will be easier for your husband as well as he won't have to deal with the big deep questions. Hey you are seeing friends such a normal thing for a person to do.  There is nothing more to say. If they ask him details about who and where he can simply say 'why do you want to spy' and laugh it off as a joke or just "not sure, counteract told me but I forget already'.

I did take time out from the inlaws and for me it was what I needed.  I now only see them a few times a year and that works for me. There were heaps of complaints such as hilltop doesn't like us, hilltop is hurting us, why is hilltop holding a grudge, why is hilltop so angry. I just ignored, ignored, ignored. Eventually it settled.

At the end of the day you don't have to be around people who treat you this way.  They can act how they want to but it doesn't mean you have to be around to take it.  Use that time for yourself, doing things you enjoy.

Just don't get drawn into any arguments because once they get what you are doing they will become more direct in questioning and this is when you need to hold steady with the vague replies.  I have found that honest communication simply doesn't work with these PD types.  It's unfortunate but over time I have come to think that they can either work it out themselves or not but I'm not going to be there to put up with it.  Nobody has to put up with it.  Good for you for taking care of yourself.