Am I being ungrateful

[Dinah-sore]

Two days ago my husband tells me, in front of my oldest kid, that he called or texted my closest friends husband this week. He is not close to my friends husband, who also happens to be a pastor. I will call the friends husband ken, just easier to write a name.

He called to ask Ken if "Barbie "(my friend) would be able to go with me to a day spa near our house. My husbands treat. He said to Ken that he just wants to do something nice for me.

My daughter heard this and thought it was the sweetest thing. She looked at me with happy tears in her eyes like my husband was the kindest man on the planet.

I smiled and thanked my husband but honestly I feel weird about it. It feels like he did it so Ken will think he is a good husband. Barbie and I are getting closer, and she knows the things my husband does and says. I am afraid she will be swayed to think my husband is nice to me and trying to be a good husband. I feel like I can't even tell her how I feel because I will look so ungrateful and hard to please.

But I keep coming back to, why did he tell Ken? Why didn't he just tell me that he wanted to give me a gift and that he thinks I should take Barbie. It isn't a surprise gift because he told me the same day he told them. But he told them first.

I just feel like it was a way to manipulate my closest friend to think he is a nice guy.

And all of this is happening and I feel so ungrateful for not just being happy and thankful and seeing him "try".

But I can't forget what he really is. It is easy for him to do something like this for me. It doesn't cost much. And it makes him look good. And he made sure to do it in a way that makes him look really good.

A few months ago my dad had a heart attack. He almost died. My husband and I took him to the hospital and on the way my H commented that it is probably nothing. And maybe my mom is just being dramatic.

Turns out my dad was having a bad heart attack that would
Have killed him if we hadn't brought him, and he needed emergency surgery. My H waited in the truck at the hospital. He KNEW my dad was having the heart attack cuz I texted him, he knew he was in emergency surgery, that I was all alone in the waiting room, I am an only child and my mom was too sick to be there. I was all alone. Waiting to see if my dad would survive. My husband texted to ask if I wanted him to go home or wait in the parking lot. He didn't even come in to the waiting room. I asked him to stay, because I didn't want to be stranded if it was bad news. So he stayed, but he stayed in the truck outside. If my dad had passed, the cardiologist would have come to tell me and I would have been by myself. Thankfully my dad survived and I can't tell you how thankful I am. It was so scary though. I sat alone in the waiting room crying and overthinking my last words to my dad before they took him and if those were good enough last words. Ugh. A few weeks later I asked my H why he let me sit alone. And he kind of acted like it was because he didn't know what to do, and I didn't ask him to come in. So then I was wondering if it was my fault my husband didn't come support me. Like I didn't ask him to, so he didn't know if he should. But what if it was a friend or a neighbor who went with me instead, wouldn't a friend or a neighbor who helped me come sit with me? I know I would if I went with someone else. He is not even as nice as a friend or neighbor to me.

Here is the thing, when the big horrible moments of life happen, he is not there for me. When my dad almost dies, when my kids have seizures, when we are facing abuse and assault, etc. he does nothing. He lets me struggle alone. While he browses his Instagram. He is unreliable and neglectful. I cannot depend on him or have any support from him. So when my parents do die, who do I even have?

But he wants to text or call Ken and say he wants to do something nice for me. Am I wrong to think he did it to make himself look good, and not really to care for me? Am I being ungrateful?

I just wish he would quit with gestures that make him look good to other people, and just sit with me and hold my hand and care about me when it really counts. And yet, I don't even want that anymore. At this point I am angry that I don't have it, but I also no longer want it from him. I am just mad because I feel like I deserve it. I think everyone deserves that. I would care for my husband in those moments and I do, even though I am not in love with him anymore. I would still be there for him. I just don't understand how he can be this way. He is a pastor. He does hospital visits for strangers. But he let me sit alone?

Am I wrong? Maybe I am just so hurt I can't see any good any more?

[Dinah-sore]

I just feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. My mom is being sympathetic to my H right now. She is pressuring me to forgive him, acting like he just doesn't know how to be a good husband but he is trying. She compared him to my dad. Saying that my dad also does stupid things. My dad never does stupid things, other than enable my mom. He is a great husband and a wonderful father (when he isn't enabling my mom).

And now if he looks good to Ken and Barbie, I just have to pretend I am ok with him now? I just feel like it worked. He did this and now I cannot be upset with him anymore. Or at least talk about being upset with him anymore. Like he has cut me off for my outlets. Trying to get my support on his side. Is this crazy to think this?

[square]

You are 100% spot on with all your observations, and I am putting every one of my chips on you being entirely correct with your conclusions.

Also, your mother cannot be trusted, I'm sorry.

I hope others will chime in because it's so important that we have voices of reason to counter the bizarro-world messages we often are surrounded by.

[notrightinthehead]

 

Of course he wants to look good to Ken and Barbie. And he wants to isolate you and sever the beginning friendship with Barbie. So that you continue to be alone.
Sorry about your dad. And your mother has harmed you enough.

[sunshine702]

That is the insidious nature of manipulation and gas lighting -  you end up looking like the ungrateful raging conspiracy theorist if you say anything BUT YOUR INTUITION IS SCREAMING at you something is off!!  You are likely 100 percent right

I would feign a headache and beg off the "spa day". Or make up some other white lie of something you forgot you needed to do that day — car maintenance, Dr or dentist appt — anything.  It will not be fun.  We BELIEVE you!!

Also I am sorry I picture you in that moment.  Alone.  I weep for you.

[sunshine702]

So I'm from Vegas.  Do you know why casinos put all that girly spa stuff in?  So the wife is AWAY for a large amount of time and he can spend their entire nest egg on the casino floor without any omg what are you doing static.

Spas shows and salons are called loss leaders for this reason.  Consider that...

[Call Me Cordelia]

"Well, gee, Barbie, I wish DH had talked to me first. I'm really just not comfortable with going to the spa. So sorry to disappoint you, but I would not enjoy it."

DH is supposed to be doing something nice FOR YOU. You have the right to say no thank you. For whatever reason or no reason. No thank you. I think you are spot on here. Hospital visits for strangers but leaving his WIFE alone is bullshit.

And yeah your mother has taken your abuser's side many a many a time. I don't count her opinion for anything here either.

[square]

If you would enjoy the spa day, you could consider going. Not going is fine if you don't want to do it, but it would play right into the narrative your H wants.

I think a way to not play into it would be to go, to enjoy yourself just fine, to not feel grateful, and to consider casually saying one little thing to Barbie like, I had a fun time with you (that is, express appreciation to HER for her company). And, gee, don't you think it was weird H called your husband instead of telling me? Well, it was fun even though it doesn't make up for ____.

And to H, express the absolute most medium chill "appreciation." He asks you if you liked it? Smile like the lady at the checkout line greeting a customer and say "absolutely." He keeps pushing for more appreciation? Same tone, "we had a fun time," customer service smile.

It makes it harder for him to accuse you of being ungrateful (harder, not impossible) but it doesn't feed him satisfactorily. And you don't let the crumbs give you any hope.

Similar tone for Barbie and Ken, you smile and say it was great. If you can, you can drop little remarks, but you overall come across as being nice about it even if you express some doubts.

[SonofThunder]

I agree with Square and NotRight. You know him and your mother well Dinah.

Motive is everything.

SoT

[Queenfrog]

Someone needs to point out how weird it is to call someone's spouse about something that doesn't involve that spouse. Does Barbie need permission from Ken to go for a spa day? This in itself would be a flag for me. I don't like what it says about your husband's worldview.

Maybe you and Barbie should arrange your own spa day.

[Rebel13]

A few weeks later I asked my H why he let me sit alone. And he kind of acted like it was because he didn't know what to do, and I didn't ask him to come in. So then I was wondering if it was my fault my husband didn't come support me. Like I didn't ask him to, so he didn't know if he should.

He could have asked you what you wanted if he truly didn't know. Your expectation that he would go with you, or at least ask if you wanted him to, seems perfectly reasonable to me.  I suspect he didn't ask because he didn't want to go inside, he wanted to be somewhere else doing what he wanted.

[moglow]

Me being me - what if you didn't want to go spa with Barbie? What if you'd rather go (elsewhere) with ... Skipper? For him to preemptively invite Barbie -via Ken no less- is rather presumptuous. Coordinating your gift to suit him. Ken may be thinking, well that's a first. Hey Barb do you believe that guy? 

[Defiantdaughter1]

Based on your previous posts, your husband has not been good to you or the children. Some of the things he has done are mind boggling to me. He needs serious therapy. To a certain extent, I don't think he is self-aware enough to know he treats you all badly, but only to a certain extent.

I think he was trying to make your friend think he's a great husband and father. He knows you two are friends and wants to make you sound crazy if you were to tell your friend the things he's done over the years.