Mental illness, abuse or both?

[WomanInterrupted]

You really did handle that brilliantly!   

She's a big girl, and can solve her own problems - they always manage to, somehow.

You have the NHS - they have doctors who are caring for her and best able to advise her. 

She has a mechanic - the mechanic can repair the car, or advise her to get another. 

Boiler parts - um...it's late June.  Your climate isn't that different than ours, which means the boiler won't kick on again until sometime in September - so she's got plenty of time to see to that. 

Her problems are her own - and mostly of her own doing.   

If she chooses not to use public transportation, that's really not your problem - and it might be a blessing to you  in that you won't see her for quite some time, and have to put up with this nonsense in person.   

No, it is NOT your responsibility to hit up relatives who won't speak to her, pleading her case.    If she calls and asks if you've done it, I'd just say something about not being able to reach them, but you left a message, just to get her off your back. 

I just want you to know how *proud* of you I am - you've come  SO far, in such a short period of time!   

[guitarman]

Thanks nanotech and WI.

I feel better today. I didn't contact my sibling. I'll update them when they contact me and say I left a message if my sister asks.

I have so many other things in my life to worry about other than my sister's on going problems. She's very clever and resourceful she is able to sort them all out for herself.

This post will be closed down as it's reached it's five page limit. I'll start another.

Thank you all for your continued support. I really appreciate it.

Best wishes

guitarman X

[Psuedonym]

Hey Guitarman,

This thread has been really insightful to me as your sister is a lot like my uBPM. Because you mentioned it's reaching it's end, I went back and read if from the beginning. Along the way I copy/pasted the calls/visits you got from your sister. I thought maybe it would be helpful for you to see them in chronological order. Here are 20 separate events over the last 9 months:

The last time I saw her she told me she has heart failure

She says she's in hospital because of her heart failure, high blood pressure and other chronic conditions. She's under so much stress. 
She wants money. She says she can't cope. Her benefits are being reduced and she can't cover the shortfall in her rent....She says she's given up and hopes to die

She wants money and was shouting "For God's sake I'M YOUR SISTER!". 

My uBPD/uNPD sister called me yesterday evening. As usual she wants money. She says if she doesn't get it she'll be evicted. 
She said "I'M YOUR SISTER. I'M FAMILY". 

My uBPD/uNPD sister visited this evening. She only stayed for a couple of hours. As she was leaving she said that she's seriously ill and no one cares. 
She told me about yet more ailments she thinks she has

My uBPD/uNPD sister has just left after a visit. Thankfully she didn't stay long. She wanted money for food as she had an unexpected urgent bill to pay that she had forgotten about and hadn't budgeted for. She was saying that don't be surprised if she dies soon because of all the stress causing her heart condition to get worse. 

I experienced over half an hour of narcissistic rage from my uBPD/uNPD sister this evening. 

She was complaining about all her physical ailments. It gets nauseating to hear her repeat the same conversations over and over again about them all. She thinks she has yet another new ailment now. She's a total waif. 

I spoke to my uBPD/uNPD sister on the phone and she started talking to me about how ill she is with a chest infection as well and no one cares

My sister is very upset. However she was talking about herself and all her problems. She was saying that she should have more care from the family. 

My sister said to me that she thinks that she is so ill that she should be in hospital. 

My sister called me and she wants money for her heating bill and more care from the family. 

She said that she's got her chest infection from her. She continued to talk about all her problems and how she finds it so hard to survive. 

Just as I was leaving today for the hospital to visit my mother my uBPD/uNPD was at the door. She wanted £200 to fix her broken laptop.

My uBPD/uNPD sister called me yesterday whilst I was in the hospital about to feed our mother in bed there. She asked how our mother is then told me again about how she's caught her lung infection from her and how ill she is. She asked for £100 as there was some miscalculation in her expenses. She listed all the problems she's had recently that she's had to fix herself. I forget how many. It's a long list. She's the cause of most of them, no all of them by not having enough money. The trigger for me is when she says no one cares.

My uBPD/uNPD sister just called me. She wants £200. She was crying. She admitted that she's made mistakes. She says she can't cope. She has rent due. She's paid to have her laptop mended. 

My sister just visited. She was being a total waif. She told me she has heart failure and lung problems. She said she has a big electric bill to pay and needs help moving to a cheaper property as she can't do it on her own. She said no one cares. 

My uBPD/uNPD sister called me yesterday. She said that she's been told that she only has one year left to live. I asked her who has told her that. She didn't answer me. She says that she has heart failure. Then she blamed the family for causing it because of all the stress that apparently we've caused to her over the years by not helping her enough. 

My uBPD/uNPD sister just called me asking the family to pay her £400 gas bill. She said "Do you want me to die?". She's worried about everything again. She said that she's too ill to go to a food bank to get food. 

My uBPD/uNPD sister just called me to tell me that she may need a heart operation. Also her car failed it's MOT and her boiler has gone wrong. It will take a week to get parts for it. She asked me to call one of our siblings to let them know. They won't take calls from her. She wants money from them.


....yeesh. Big hug to you, guitarman.

[guitarman]

Thank you for taking the time and effort for compiling all that. I'm glad that you've found what I have been posting of use to you. We are not alone.

Abuse thrives in darkness. We need to expose it and shine a light on it. We need to speak out and tell our stories. We need to raise awareness about Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can be better helped.

Looking back on my posts it is of little wonder that I can identify with a diagnosis of CPTSD for myself in trying to cope with the stress of my sister's problems for a long time.

Recently she hasn't contacted me or visited often. She knows now that I won't give her money, so go figure. It seems that she only visited to get money from me.

I realise that I need continued support and I'm OK with that. I need cheerleaders to help and encourage me. I will gladly be a cheerleader for others and pass on what I have learnt over many decades.

I have to stay calm. I have to be firm and consistent in my boundaries no matter how often my sister threatens suicide or abuses me and pushes all my buttons.

I still feel compassion for my sister and her mental health issues but I know that I can't change her. Her condition is taking it's toll on my own mental and physical wellbeing. I have been trying to cope with her abuse for several decades. I have come to the conclusion that she won't ever change. I have to accept that.

Her pain is not mine. I shouldn't own it. I shouldn't take it on.

I have to let go of all the fear, obligation and guilt that I hold on to.

I have to observe not absorb.

I have to be a lighthouse not a lifeboat.

I have to look after me first.

Thank you all. Keep calm. Keep strong. You are all amazing. 

Best wishes

guitarman X

[Psuedonym]

You sound like you're doing really well, guitarman! You have been through so much, I'm glad you
re getting a little well deserved peace and quiet.

[bloomie]

Hi there folks. This looks like a great discussion. Sadly, the thread has reached our guideline limits of 5 pages and we are going to have to lock it up. Please feel free to start another thread and continue the conversation.