Living On The Edge

[bee well]

Hi guitarman,

I'm sorry you've been dealing with this. It hurts.

You say:
"I'm getting triggered very easily at the moment...I can't seem to stop thinking about all the trauma she has caused. Even labelling her behaviour as causing trauma or abuse feels disloyal."

Feelings come and go, and we ride the waves util the ocean calms down.

It may feel disloyal but you are not disloyal. You have done the best you could for as long as you could have done. Now it's time to take care of you.

You are enough, just as you are, where you are now.

[guitarman]

One of my uBPD/NPD sister's children visited me today. We of course talked about their mother.

We were reminiscing and she told me that she had a good childhood. She remembers some incidents of shouting. Things deteriorated with their mother when they became older.

So maybe my mind has exaggerated much of what has happened and things weren't so bad with my uBPD/NPD sister as I imagined.

I know about negativity bias. So maybe my mind has gone to the worst times with my sister. There were good, fun times with her but her behaviour was always unpredictable. I felt always on edge never knowing how she would behave. Everything was extreme.

It's got me wondering about my own mind and how trauma has affected me.

I was always concerned about my sister's children growing up. They witnessed some truly terrible times. Maybe they weren't as bad as I thought or they got used to all the screaming and shouting and remember more of the calm times.

However the children feel about their childhood I know I had some terrifying times with my sister. She would rage and rage. I didn't imagine that but maybe time has played with my memory.

I know that I couldn't cope any more with her extreme threats.

Whenever I saw my sister I always was wondering how she would behave. I had to watch my words and body language in case anything set her off into a stream of abuse.

I got so exhausted hearing about her exaggerated health problems and threats she made to harm herself. I got frustrated with her asking for money to feed herself.

I didn't imagine those incidents.


Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[bee well]

Hi guitarman,

Your sister's child says she had a good childhood, in spite of the shouting and all. That's the way she sees it. She may or may not see it differently later.

I don't know about the childhood vs. adulthood of your sister's child, whether either was "good" or "bad" (most peoples' were not all one or the other) but your sister's child's experience with your sister, and yours, are two different matters.

You write:
"So maybe my mind has exaggerated much of what has happened and things weren't so bad with my uBPD/NPD sister as I imagined."

I know about negativity bias. So maybe my mind has gone to the worst times with my sister. There were good, fun times with her but her behaviour was always unpredictable. I felt always on edge never knowing how she would behave. Everything was extreme.

It's got me wondering about my own mind and how trauma has affected me."

I think it's important to understand how our trauma affects perceptions. It can keep us in hypervigilance and sometimes, we don't do as much positive noticing as we might like to, and at others we can feel stuck with negative memories.  This does not cancel or minimize the abuse that we know happened. Abuse is abuse, and in my opinion when we quantify  it with phrases like "maybe it wasn't that bad," then we can easily start to invalidate ourselves and our experience.

It's possibile for there to have been both good times and abuse of all types and dimensions. One doesn't mean the other didn't happen.The good memories, when they come, can be difficult to deal with. They can pull us into that mindset of minimizing the abuse. In the best of times we can reminisce and  enjoy those memories and just know that both A and B happened.

Our feelings may change in our healing experience, as we learn about our trauma and we have new have new information. But to repeat what I said above, what happened to us, happened. What matters, is that we hold on to the reality of events and how that has affected us.

In my case, I remind myself of the events that lead to NC, and why, for my own health and sanity, and in spite of the "good" times,  I cannot be, close to my abusers.

I am writing my thoughts here because I have found that the cognitive dissonance can thicken, especially when we start comparing other peoples' experience with the abusers to our own. I write my thoughts as much for me as for anyone that happens to be reading.

I don't know if this helps, but I just wanted to put it out there.

[guitarman]

Thank you.

[guitarman]

I'm still worrying about my uBPD/NPD sister. I can't seem to stop. She's constantly in my thoughts.

If I'm not worrying about her I'm thinking about all the abusive times with her. It never stops.

When there is calm and quiet I think that it shouldn't be like that. There should be chaos and stress. That was the situation I was experiencing for decades, forever wondering what she would do next.

I practice Mindfulness meditations every day. At those times I recognise what calmness and peace is really like. I can live in the present and know I am safe. However, my mind then goes back to thinking "What if?" all the time.

I know my mind is trying to protect me from further harm so it is always on alert for any danger. I need to retrain my mind to let me be at peace more but I can't seem to do that.

I used to feel at peace after a crisis when my sister had resolved any problems she had. Then I could relax for a short time knowing she was OK.

I have also been on alert for a long time worrying about our elderly parents' serious health issues. Now they are no longer here so rather than worrying about them any more I feel guilty about not doing enough for them.

I know that I shouldn't but I can't help myself. I did much more than my sister did to help them. She wasn't around to help them or console them. She caused them so many problems rather than helping them.

Everything is messed up in my head. I am so stressed and anxious about everything. Much of it, I think, comes from trying to cope with my sister's abusive behaviour for decades. She would project all her problems onto others and blame them for her issues and how she felt. Well that's my interpretation.

I felt like I should always be able to help solve her problems for her. I should always be available for her to vent and rage at in case she carried out her threats to harm herself. I didn't put my needs first. Hers were always more important.

I wouldn't share my feelings with anyone else. I was brought up not to talk about abuse and mental illness. It was not discussed openly in the family. It was something that we just endured. We learned to put up with it.

We learnt that if we confronted my sister she would rage or threaten to harm herself. That's how she controlled all the family. Those who dared confront her were demonised by her. They became her worst enemies.

So I always wanted to be her friend rather than her enemy. To be her enemy in the family would mean being shouted and screamed at. She would say that they had abused her. It's all very childish and immature.

Now she has alienated everyone in the family: her ex-husband, her adult children, all our siblings, their partners and children.

No one wants anything to do with her, so it's not just me. I am not alone.

I've always been there for her putting her side of the story, being forgiving and kind. I would make allowances for her behaviour thinking that she couldn't help herself as she had serious mental health issues.

I don't suppose I will ever find peace. This constant need to rescue her will never leave me because I don't want her to be in distress. She was so pathetic and distraught when she was at her worst. She was clearly not capable of making rash decisions and became hysterical, out of her mind. Those were the really frightening times when she was capable of doing anything. She could become impulsive and suddenly do something irrational. It was me who stayed with her because I was so worried about her.

I don't know if this makes any sense. I'm just venting.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[Miranda0109]

Hi guitarman,

Thanks for all you shared. I have a probable uNPD/uBPD sister, so much of what you wrote resonates with me.

I wanted to comment specifically on the experience you had with your sister's child having a different experience with her. I am younger than my sister, so we didn't grow up together. I heard stories about her being "crazy," and people in my family would say that old line about her acting up during the full moon. But I never witnessed any of that directly. I also heard she had multiple affairs but didn't really understand what that meant. I did have some experiences with her that seemed odd, but I didn't understand them being a kid. I can look back now and see them as manipulation.

She lived near us and lived with us from time to time, so I feel like I "should" have seen her bad behavior directly. I only heard about it second-hand. Quite honestly, I defended her sometimes because I never saw that she did anything wrong.

It wasn't until I was an adult that I saw her rage at one of her kids. It was over a decade later when I experienced her rage directed toward me.

It took me a long, long time to put the puzzle of her behavior together. Most of her behavior towards me was much more subtle--lots of manipulation and condescension instead of rage.

I think when I was growing up her behavior was much more "diffused." By that, I mean she was married with kids, working, had multiple affairs, and was involved in various activities. Plus, we have a big family. She had more sources of supply and targets for her manipulation and abuse. I feel like she did get worse when she got older, and her circle of influence dwindled. But that may also be because I started to be better at identifying her abusive patterns.

Just some food for thought. I still struggle with second-guessing myself about her sometimes because I didn't witness her at her worst directly, even though I have heard family stories about just how awful and abusive she could be. So it sounds like we have similar feelings there, albeit for different reasons.

Stay strong. Keep shining your light.

[guitarman]

Thank you for your reply.

We all have different experiences. Members of the same family have different experiences and may all tell a different story even about the same incident. Maybe it's because of our relationship to the person being abusive and our own resilience. Some people may tolerate abuse differently. I don't know. I'm still trying to work this all out for myself.

Maybe I was left with my uBPD/NPD abusive behaviour in my mind when she left still raging and her children saw the resolution and calmness when it was over because they were living with her.

To me I usually think of my sister raging rather than being calm. It's my normal way of thinking about her. She had calm, stable periods when she was extremely happy, loving and kind. My mind usually goes to the default setting of her raging.

I hope this makes sense. I'm very confused about my thinking at the moment. It's because I'm under a lot of stress.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[guitarman]

**** Trigger Warning ****

I experience anxiety most of the time. I believe this is because my uBPD/NPD sister threatened suicide whilst I was growing up and for decades after. It's not surprising really. I've always had that thought in my head that she would end her life and in some way I am responsible for keeping her alive.

My thinking can become crippling at times. I become paralysed thinking about her. I don't mean physically but mentally, if that makes any sense.

Even in the quiet times I expect her to be calling or visiting me in a crisis raging, screaming and shouting. It can become all too much.

I've had so much stress to cope with in the past with my parents serious health matters. It seems my sister's problems didn't stop during those times.

Everything can become too much for me to cope with. Processing what has happened and becoming detached is difficult. I relive crisis events all the time. I expect something terrible to happen, either to me or the world. It's all very bizarre but I understand more about CPTSD.

It helps me to journal and write down my thoughts. It helps to post here regularly.

I don't know if I'm making any sense, probably not.

I don't suppose I will ever reach a state of complete relaxation when I'm not thinking about what has happened. I practice Mindfulness meditation most days. I talk about my feelings at mental health support groups.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[nanotech]

Take care. I think, given your background, that your fight or flight mode is so easily activated- or maybe it's sort of running in the background all the time, ready to spring into action in order to deal with the chaos  your sister might suddenly bring you?
I think I used to be like this too.
My way out was yoga, yogic breathing, yogic philosophy and meditation.
Also, I watch Jerry Wise and his videos on Family Relationship Systems.
Also been in one to one therapy.
Also follow Kris Godinez videos on narcissistic family members.
I also went NC with the family member.
Also read books and practised self therapy on how to set boundaries, how to stop overthinking and so on.
I actually think that if I had to choose one thing it would be the yoga. I learned to do poses that take me away from fight or flight. These are not difficult poses. They  really settle and regulate my emotions. I know you do meditation, which also has this effect. I would recommend some gentle yoga too.

As well as this- If you are in the UK ( I think you are?) you can refer yourself for mental health therapy. It's NHS so it takes several months - but for me it was worth referring myself as I was offered 12 weeks of trauma therapy. It was so useful. I was having flashbacks of trauma too, and the treatment helped very much with the trauma I'd suffered. It gave me the tools to stand back from the trauma emotionally, and that removed its hold over me. I have the memories, but without the deluge of  negative emotions that used to erupt and engulf me.
I just referred myself online on the NHS website. https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/nhs-talking-therapies/ Take care.

[guitarman]

Thank you.

[guitarman]

**** Trigger Warning ****

I am not sure if I really understand the amount of trauma and abuse from my uBPD/NPD sister that I have endured because it all became so usual and expected.

The weird thing is I still expect it and miss all the dramas. I don't miss the threats and extreme crisis events I miss the resolution and eventual calmness. I am expecting all the abuse to begin again at any time.

Sometimes I am desperate to know how my sister is. At other times I don't want to know anything about her. I can't seem to get her out of my mind, which of course is only natural after all that I have experienced.

In my fantasy thinking she is now living a calm, fulfilling life enjoying herself and being happy. The reality maybe completely  different. I really dread knowing how her life is. I would feel terribly guilty if she was in a bad way unable to cope. I would feel that I should have done more to help her and never should have gone no contact with her.

Her way of controlling me was by her projecting all her difficulties and problems onto me.

She frequently professed to have serious life threatening physical health issues. She seemed to discover something wrong about her health regularly. I hope that she is well and doesn't have any serious health issues.

She was being treated by consultants from a world class hospital. So she had the best treatment available if she really needed it. Of course the treatment wasn't good enough for her, or she believed the doctors didn't know what they were doing and had misdiagnosed her.

All these stories keep going around and around in my head. I shouldn't be ruminating about her but can't stop it.

I know if I let her back into my life it would just be like before. Nothing would have changed. So it is a sort of bereavement I am living through without any resolution.

I know she wouldn't have changed but something still tells me she may have.

I remember I contacted her before many years ago when I hadn't heard from her for a few weeks. I remember instantly regretting it because she was abusive towards me. So I should remember that feeling.

I calmly talk to myself with my adult voice saying that I've already done enough and that she won't ever change. However, I still see her laying on the floor in a crumpled mess exhausted, crying and pleading for help. It's difficult to forget those desperate times when she was so distressed and liable to do anything.

I can't forget all the raging and shouting. I can't forget all the hours of listening to her ramble on and on about all her problems and how difficult her life was.

Everything gets mixed up in my mind. I try to be positive. I try to learn from what I have experienced.

I am experiencing very negative thinking so it's difficult to be positive and negotiate a clear path through all the chaos from the past that still occurs.

My sister's suicidal threats have been so difficult to cope with for a long time. There was always the thought that she needed help and the guilty feeling if I didn't help her or be with her if she was feeling lonely. I didn't really understand how traumatic it has been trying to cope. Having that stress feeling responsible for someone living or not has been tremendous.

I don't suppose I will ever feel calm. I will always wonder if she is coping well and feeling guilty if she isn't.

Just venting and trying to make sense of my erratic thoughts.

[nanotech]

When the drama is missed, that's the trauma bonding kicking in.
I missed the drama too at first. It can sort of feel like love - I think that's the reason we can feel quite addicted to it while at the same time hating and dreading it.
Remember to be gentle with yourself.

[guitarman]

Yes, thank you. I keep forgetting about trauma bonding. It explains a lot about what I am feeling.

I often explain that being around my uBPD/NPD sister has been like holding onto someone on the edge of a cliff, fearing that they would fall if I ever let go.

Now I have let go and am still living with the fear of the consequences. It can be an awful feeling, constantly feeling responsible and codependent for how someone else feels and behaves. That is how engrained I became with my sister.

It can be difficult to break free because of all the fear, obligation and guilt. I realise that it will be an long ongoing process for me.

I fear that contact with my sister could start up again at any time. She knows where I live. I could so easily get love bombed into submission. It hasn't been at all healthy for me to be so worried and concerned about her welfare. I keep telling myself that she is not my responsibility.

Hopefully she has found other people to support her which is what I've always wanted. She can be very vulnerable but she is intelligent and if she makes mistakes that's up to her. 

I just wish she would become calm all the time but I know that is never going to happen. She needs the stimulus of becoming upset and inflamed. It feeds her. She can't live without getting upset. She's never going to change and I can't change her.

[guitarman]

It's happened. My uBPD/NPD sister just visited. I've had no contact with her for nearly three years. She quietly knocked on the front door. I didn't answer it immediately. I thought that it maybe my neighbour.

I don't usually answer the door unless I know who exactly is there. I have a spy hole that I can use. When I went to answer the door I saw my sister peering through the letterbox before I got near it.

She asked if I was in. Then I calmly said to her that I don't want to talk to her and she should contact my solicitor. I went into the lounge and closed the door so that she couldn't see me any more.

I called one of my siblings just to report what has happened.

I surprised myself by how calmly I coped with being contacted by her.

So I used Grey Rock and Medium Chill techniques to communicate with her. I didn't feed her narcissistic supply.

I'll probably have terrible nightmares about her tonight.

I am talking to myself with my calm adult voice saying that I did the right thing to not open the door to her.

Now all the memories are flooding back. It's as though it was only yesterday when I last saw her.

I'm not panicking yet but I may later when all the "What ifs" will start.

I'm usually always on alert in case she's waiting outside whenever I go out. Now I'll be even more cautious and anxious.

My mind is wondering why she visited and what she wanted. There can be all sorts of reasons why she visited. I'll never know until she tells me.

My heart is racing and I'm thinking what may have happened if I engaged her in conversation or let her in.

This has reminded me how she used to visit. She would knock quietly and talk through the letterbox if I didn't open the door immediately. I would let her in thinking that she was in a good mood then all the raging would eventually start. So it's not my usual nature not to let her in.

I've phoned a friend who knows all about my sister. So I've talked about what has happened. I realise I need support and need to tell other people what has happened.

No doubt I'll be ruminating about my sister for a long time. I'm calm and I didn't engage with her. I stuck to my boundary.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[moglow]

You didn't engage and you stuck to your boundaries! YAY YOU!!! Whatever her reason for stopping by, don't matter and have nothing to do with you. You. Stopped. It. before anything unpleasant could start. VERY well done! Look at how far you've come, really. A little rumination is normal, any or all of us would do the same.

BREATHE!!! Turn on some music and dance or sing!

[guitarman]

Thank you. Yes I'm safe and I didn't engage like I felt I had to years ago.

[guitarman]

**** Trigger Warning ****

I am living with so much anxiety and worry all the time. It can become crippling. I've been living like this for years. Rarely do I get a break from the feeling.

I attribute much of it to being around my uBPD/NPD sister as she threatened suicide regularly as I was growing up.

I was always concerned that she would eventually follow through with her threats. I felt responsible for her and tried to make her better. I realise now that I took on too much responsibility from a young age. Her condition was never talked about much in the family as I was growing up. It was just something that happened and we coped as best we could.

I felt so relieved when the crisis was over but knew there would be another coming along eventually.

I catastrophize about so many things and go to the worse case scenario. It's been my usual way of thinking for decades. It's not surprising really after all that I have experienced.

I seem to be living in a disaster movie all the time. If something bad isn't happening my mind makes something up to feel like it should be happening.

I can feel frozen and paralysed with fear, not knowing what to do. It can all become too overwhelming to cope with.

Just some random thoughts. It feels good to write them down.

[Boat Babe]

Hey Guitarman man, this sounds intolerable. Can you get some help with this? Something like EMDR? It is possible to heal from all this trauma, not all at once and not always 100%, but you can definitely find more ease and comfort with the right therapeutic intervention. Please seek something out as your body is constantly being flooded with cortisol and adrenaline which will cause physical damage eventually. I know you know all this (you speak with great wisdom and compassion on this forum) but perhaps you need reminding to self care a bit more right now.

Huge hugs

[guitarman]

Thank you for your reply.

I seem to be OK today. One of my non PD siblings visited me.

This is how I am. I can be worrying and stressed about my uBPD/NPD sister or quite happy and calm.

I practice Mindfulness every day. That helps me to remain calm.

I realise that I worry about things that probably won't ever happen. My mind goes into overdrive thinking that something terrible could happen and I need to be prepared.

I try to remind myself that I am safe and that I've experienced a lot of trauma in my life so it's not surprising that I can feel stressed often. Radical acceptance and being aware that I can't change anyone else helps. The feelings of fear, obligation and guilt never leave me but become less when I know I've done my best to help my uBPD/NPD sister and that I can't do any more. I need to look after myself first and it's OK to do that. I keep telling myself that.

I've done well to maintain my no contact boundary with her for three years. I never could believe I would or could ever do that.

I miss the kind, caring, happy sister she could sometimes be. I am grieving that person.

[nanotech]

Well done Guitarman! You've been brilliant in maintaining your boundaries.
Try not to ruminate- it's tempting but just practice some self care instead.
Well done well done!