Living On The Edge

[guitarman]

Thank you.

I am feeling so stressed and worried. Sometimes I have clarity and calmness but I feel that something terrible is about to happen. It already has as both my parents have passed away. I have supportive non PD siblings but they don't fully understand how I feel.

I am living with depression. I try and not ruminate but it's difficult for me not to. I have a lot of negative thinking and feel that I can't do anything.

I have not been in contact with my uBPD/NPD sister for three years. That's been quite an achievement for me not to relent and contact her. I know if I did I would only get back on her emotional rollercoaster again. I care but can't cope with all her abusive and extreme threats and behaviour.

All the trauma keeps being replayed around my mind over and over. It never seems to stop.

I remind myself why I have chosen not to contact her. I remind myself of all the abusive behaviour and how traumatised I became. However there were good times with her when she was kind, calm and stable but I never knew when that would be or what mood she would be in.

I remind myself what a counsellor told me about her that she is very intelligent and resourceful. She will get support if she needs it. She usually did that by getting new best friends. I've learnt that she would love bomb them into submission. She would then drop them if they didn't behave as she wanted them to and go onto the next new best friend.

She has alienated all of our family by her abusive behaviour. So it's not just me whom she has upset. She doesn't see all the trauma and stress she has caused. She has no insight into her own behaviour.

It's all very sad. She could be wonderful full of energy, being happy and caring but at other times she could be raging and so abusive.

She maintained a front with strangers. When she was working she had to control her anger.

I don't know what she does as a job now, or if she is working. She had some really unrealistic ideas about how to make money.

She used to plea for money from me and threaten to harm herself if she didn't get it. She never paid it back even though she promised she would.

I would give her money otherwise she would rage and rage for hours. For a quiet life I would give it to her.

My mind has gone to some extreme places. I find it difficult to cope with every day life. Everything can be difficult for me, even the simplest of tasks.

I try to be kinder to myself but it's usually my inner critic that takes over and castigates everything I do.

Just me venting.

[nanotech]

I've been there, struggling to do everyday tasks.
I learned that if I just tried one task,  then that was enough.  I used to feel a bit better and I would give myself praise for its completion.
I know all about about the inner critic voice. I have it too. I do my best to ignore it, as it isn't me talking or thinking.  I remind myself that I'm perfectly worthy of love, just by existing.
You're alright, Guitarman.
You're doing everything right here.
Remember to be responsible for yourself only. That includes accepting that it's your right to cultivate and enjoy your own peace of mind in your own peaceful space.

I'm sending my thoughts and some cyber hugs too. Xx

[guitarman]

Thank you X

[guitarman]

I had a lovely restaurant meal today with one of my uBPD/NPD sister's adult children and my non PD sibling and their partner. I had a good time. My sister's child has just bought their first house and moved in. They've done so well in their work to do so after being abused for so long by their mother growing up.

Apparently they haven't told their mother where they are living now to protect themselves from any more abuse from her.

My sister has abused everyone in our family. Unfortunately she knows where I live so could visit me at any time. Thankfully she hasn't visited me frequently like she used to. She visited a few weeks ago but I didn't answer the door. One visit in three years and no phone calls!

[nanotech]

I had a lovely restaurant meal today with one of my uBPD/NPD sister's adult children and my non PD sibling and their partner. I had a good time. My sister's child has just bought their first house and moved in. They've done so well in their work to do so after being abused for so long by their mother growing up.

Apparently they haven't told their mother where they are living now to protect themselves from any more abuse from her.

My sister has abused everyone in our family. Unfortunately she knows where I live so could visit me at any time. Thankfully she hasn't visited me frequently like she used to. She visited a few weeks ago but I didn't answer the door. One visit in three years and no phone calls!

Yes, how  really good to meet with family who are stable and supportive both of you and each other - I'm glad for you Guitarman. 😊

[guitarman]

We all had a lovely Christmas without my uBPD/NPD sister. It's the third Christmas without her.

One of her adult children told me that they had spent eight hours with her in A & E recently. My sister frequently complains about her lungs. She was checked over and wasn't admitted into the hospital.

It just shows me that she's hasn't changed.

I wish her well from afar. I hope that she doesn't have anything seriously wrong with her physical health.

Even though she frequently complained about her lungs not working properly she could still shout and scream at our family for hours. Her behaviour doesn't make any sense.

[Srcyu]

That might be why her lungs hurt - all the yelling.

[guitarman]

I had a good day today. Thinking about my uBPD/NPD sister throughout the night as I couldn't sleep. She's always with me in my thoughts even though I haven't seen her for three years.

I wish her well from afar. I can't cope with all her problems, there are so many. I can't fix her. I wish that I could. I tell myself with my adult voice that she's not my responsibility and that I've done enough to help her but I still feel so guilty. It never stops, but that's my inner child and inner critic talking to me.

I need to care and look after myself more. I need to be kinder to myself. I need to keep working on building my self esteem.

[Boat Babe]

Hey Guitarman. Have you listened to anything online by Sharon Salzburg? She's a Buddhist teacher with a wonderful focus on suffering and on compassion. I find her teachings incredibly helpful when I am in pain.

[guitarman]

Thanks for the suggestion. I have listened to her before. I'll listen again.

I practice Mindfulness meditations regularly. That has helped me.

[Boat Babe]

Thanks for the suggestion. I have listened to her before. I'll listen again.

I practice Mindfulness meditations regularly. That has helped me.

Give Metta meditation a go. Incredibly helpful; for yourself and others.

[guitarman]

Thank you.

[guitarman]

It is too dangerous for me to have my uBPD/NPD sister back in my life. I HAVE to look after me first.

I care so much about her but I can't cope with all her problems and threats. I never know how she will behave.

Maybe one day when I'm stronger I will be back in contact. For now she is just someone that I used to know.

[guitarman]

I had a long discussion with a non PD sibling about our uBPD/NPD sister. My non PD siblings are being very supportive of me living with depression. I find easy tasks very difficult most of the time. I have negative thinking which is difficult to combat and change. I have so many fears and anxieties which can become overwhelming. I am trying to be kinder to myself but it's not easy.

My uBPD/NPD sister is always in my thoughts. I miss her calm times when she could be very enthusiastic and joyful. However, I don't miss the times when she could be so abusive. I can't risk being in contact with her as I would never know how she would behave.

I am not strong enough to cope with all her problems. There are so many. She would stay with me for hours and hours talking loudly about herself and how everyone else makes her feel so bad. Whatever people do for her it's never enough. There's an empty hole that can't ever be filled.

I have to look after myself first by setting firm boundaries and having no contact with her.

My non PD sibling wants nothing to do with her in the future. All she does is cause them pain and anguish. They have their own young family to look after.

I realise now that my uBPD/NPD sister will never change. She has no insight into her own behaviour. She doesn't understand how her behaviour upsets everyone. She has alienated everyone in our family.

[guitarman]

I met up with one of my uBPD/NPD sister's adult children today. They didn't mention their mother at all so I didn't either.

They are doing so well in their career and won a prestigious work award recently. I'm so pleased for them. They seem to be happy and coping well. I always fear the worst for them, but that's me projecting all my own fears onto them.

I'm the one who still isn't coping well. I have so many flash backs of traumatic life threatening events and get triggered so easily. There are decades of abusive situations that I've witnessed that I can't forget and am still coping with.

[guitarman]

I've been told that my uBPD/NPD sister is in hospital. She was found by a neighbour in a confused state. She's not in a mental health hospital. She's had a drip so maybe she was dehydrated.

Hopefully she'll get the mental health support now that she needs. A family member has spoken to a psychiatrist about her, letting them know the details of what has been happening for decades.

I won't be going to visit her. I've not been in contact with her for over three years because of her erratic and abusive behaviour towards me.

One of her adult children has been to visit her. They are a health professional.

I'm imagining all sorts of scenarios about what could have happened and what could happen in the future.

I'm adamant about not having any contact with her. I can't cope with her behaviour.

I wish her well from afar and hope that she feels better again soon.

[guitarman]

No more news about my uBPD/NPD sister. I believe that she's still in hospital but I don't get regular updates about her.

I don't keep pestering her adult children to find out what's going on. If there's any change they will let my siblings know and they will pass any important information onto me.

I'm not feeling so well myself. I am living with depression and I find it difficult to change my negative thinking. I have a bad memory and get confused. I relive traumatic events all the time. I have vivid flashbacks.

[Breadroll]

hi Guitarman - I have been helped by reading your posts in the past- and noticed your most recent posts here. Sending  big hug over the ether- depression is ugh. I struggle sometimes, particularly if it's been stressful regarding any pd stuff.   do t know if it is of any help to you, but I found a herbal remedy worked quite well- St. John's wort . Takes a few days to have effects- and suddenly I didn't feel so bleak- just sort of normal.
Wishing you some light.

[guitarman]

Thank you very much for your comments. I'm taking prescribed medication so I can't take anything else.

I've been informed that my uBPD/NPD sister has been sectioned and is now in a secure mental hospital. She will have to probably be there for at least 28 days. One of her adult children visits her regularly and they are a health professional. Hopefully she will now get the support that she really needs. I won't be going to visit her.

[guitarman]

**** Trigger Warning ****

Guilt is eating me up. I feel that I should contact my uBPD/NPD sister as she is in a mental health hospital but my rational mind says not to. One of her adult children is visiting her. I know that I can't cope with all her problems again. She has so many.

I've not had contact with her for over three years. I'm not strong enough to cope with all her raging and emotional abuse. I never know how she will behave.

She blames others for how she behaves. She thinks that it is OK to abuse her family. However, she behaves differently towards strangers.

She often threatens suicide when in a crisis. She's been like that since she was a teenager. Her behaviour hasn't changed over the decades. She's had long periods of stability when she is calm and happy. This is usually when she isn't worrying so much about money.

I'm trying to be gentler and kinder to myself by saying that I've already done enough for her. I need to take care of myself first. I have bad negative thinking.

I've experienced so much trauma being around her. I never realised until recently that it was trauma I had been experiencing. It was just all so normal for me.

I know that I have to let the mental health professionals take responsibility for her care. I'm not a mental health professional. I can't change her only she can do that.

I fear becoming her enemy. She can be so cruel and nasty to those who displease her. She can be dangerous making false allegations and starting smear campaigns.

She doesn't realise how she's alienated all of our family. It is because of her behaviour. She expects us all to carry on as though nothing has happened. We are supposed to accept all her abuse and stay quiet.

I thought that as she got older she would change. Even though I've not seen her for over three years my mind still thinks of her as raging and screaming. I can't stop thinking about her like that.

Venting my thoughts here helps me with people who understand. She should be safe in hospital with people taking care of her so I shouldn't be worrying so much about her. However, I can hear her shouting at me that I wouldn't even visit her when she was very ill and dying in hospital. She's said that to me so many times before thinking that she was seriously ill and that I don't care about her. She would rage at me for hours saying that. She would say, well shout, that no one cares about her. That's what is making me feel guilty that I'm not going to visit her when she is at the most vulnerable time in her life.

I've always feared her being sectioned in a mental health hospital but she needs help. Maybe this is the only way she will eventually get it. She can become so pathetic and needy when she's in a crisis. She can become so afraid. It's so sad to witness. I've seen her like that so many times before. She's in need of specialist care.

She may never recover, but that's me being negative thinking of the worse case scenario. Being positive it could be the best thing that has ever happened to her as she could get the support now that she really needs, which our family have all wanted for decades. I've learnt that people may only get the support they really need and get on the correct care pathway when they are in a life threatening situation.

Until I see her for myself I can't think of her as recovering and being well but I'm not going to visit her. I'll have to rely on reports from her adult children or other family members, if they ever visit her.

Guilt has always motivated me to ignore her abuse towards me in the past. It can be such a powerful emotion. Now I hope I have changed. Guilt is the voice of my inner child pleading to help my sister. I now thank my inner child for their input but say that I am an adult now and I am in charge not them. It's been difficult not to give in.