How to go forward?

[thduda]

Hi everyone,

I was on this site a few years back after going NC with NPD father, NPD sister, and enabler sister. I was the scapegoat in my family.  My father deliberately shunned me from annual ski vacations as soon as I turned 18. Physical fitness was extremely important to my father and he was an avid skier and hiker.  I would get a calendar at Christmas for over 15 years or so, from my enabler sister, of all these family vacations that I was excluded from. Final straw was 2015 at my grandmothers funeral where a lot of cruel events happened (shunning, excluding me from details of funeral, sister spoke even though I was closest to grandmother. Family heirlooms were given to Golden child in front of me.)

I had been no contact with my sisters for five years and then my mom got sick with COVID in 2020 and passed away, and I got sucked back in. (mom was severely mentally ill and pretty much out of it for last 20 years).

I decided I felt safer having a conversation with enabler sister rather than golden child. She then set up a 3 way conversation.  I just did medium chill and all we talked about was COVID for 45 minutes and then I got off of the phone.  Then no-one followed up. I think that sisters couldn't handle medium chill and wanted me to go back to doormat role where they can call me when they need me to play therapist or legal advisor ( I am an attorney). So effectively they cut off contact with me.

So I got a surprise text from my sister recently than my NPD father has been diagnosed with a brain tumor.  It is noncancerous but very serious as it is causing some severe symptoms.  I did not respond to the text, but it is leaving me unsettled. This is also kind of a 'karma is a bitch thing' with me. No more of these annual ski vacations where everyone looks so healthy and fit and vibrant. Maybe my dad will feel a tiny bit of the pain I went through with major depression after going no contact.

I know my role as family scapegoat and doormat will never end and that no contact is best for me. I actually have no emotion about my father possibly dying.  I know I will not be in his will and his estate will be left to my sisters.  I am just not sure how to handle this going forward. Do I block texts from my sisters so I am not updated on the status of his health. I had released the block on my texts when I felt emotionally healthier and also opened up facebook to sisters.   I did get a happy birthday text from both of my sisters which I just responded with a smiley face.

I appreciate any insight.  I am trying to stay emotionally healthy as it took 3-4 years of intensive therapy to get me to a healthy place today. I have a wonderful 26 year marriage, and a healthy relationship with my daughter, a great therapist which includes a support group, and I am in the process of changing my career to a better fit for me.

[Starboard Song]

I know my role as family scapegoat and doormat will never end and that no contact is best for me. I actually have no emotion about my father possibly dying.  I know I will not be in his will and his estate will be left to my sisters.  I am just not sure how to handle this going forward. Do I block texts from my sisters so I am not updated on the status of his health. I had released the block on my texts when I felt emotionally healthier and also opened up facebook to sisters.   I did get a happy birthday text from both of my sisters which I just responded with a smiley face.

I appreciate any insight.  I am trying to stay emotionally healthy as it took 3-4 years of intensive therapy to get me to a healthy place today. I have a wonderful 26 year marriage, and a healthy relationship with my daughter, a great therapist which includes a support group, and I am in the process of changing my career to a better fit for me.

First of all, welcome back. And congratulations on so much success! You are doing a great deal right, and I am very happy for you.

You say you released the block on your sisters when you felt you were emotionally able to. I wonder what value you have perceived since doing so. Maybe you've learned of their goings on, or family goings on, that you enjoyed hearing about. Maybe it just seemed more natural, even though there was no relationship depth at all. I think trying to identify the positives that you experienced when you opened back up will tell you the "pros" to staying open with them now. Of course, when you think about it, you may decide there were no "pros" at all.

The "cons" to staying open are hypothetical: it seems likely you will hear more than you care to if you do not block them. And I guess that despite your strong emotional position towards your father, you fear that updates will ultimately be a big negative.

We've struggled with the contours of NC for 6 years now. I would suggest a rule from NASA's glory days: "when in doubt, do nothing." NASA learned early that things only got worse when they acted without good data. I'd suggest not changing your stance with your sisters unless the negatives actually come to fruition. At that time, when they start sending too many updates and you don't want to hear them and the cons outweigh the pros, you can block them again with ease.

Whichever way you go, I am terribly happy that you have achieved so much peace.

Well done, you.

[thduda]

Wow Starboard Song-you hit the nail on the head! And I think this is the reason why I love this site-people that really get it!
I didn't even quite trust my therapist with this question.  It helps when speaking with people who have 'been there and done that!'

[moglow]

Hello, and "welcome" back! Glad you returned where you'd found the support you need.

My take on it is much the same as Starboard's, leave the door open unless/until it creates problems for you. I found with my siblings that they never discussed or even remotely acknowledged the way I/we were being treated until mother turned on them as hard as she had me. They honestly didn't get it and were able to explain it away years prior. Once their eyes were open - can't close them. Our whole relationships have changed now that we've shed light in those dark corners of the past and seen mother who she truly is. It's not us against each other as she'd intended, but more bound together. THAT is the only blessing I know of in the chaos we've lived.

You may find on some level you want to know what's going on with father, but that doesn't mean there is or you should "do" anything one way or the other. You have no obligation here/there. It may be that your relationships with the sisters changes much as mine has and you find friends you didn't know you had, OR they may in turn show who they truly are.

Maybe try to not read anything into it or overthink, and just roll with the flow for now. I think the right thing for you will make itself known to you. Know that may not be "the right thing" for your sisters, and that's okay too.

[thduda]

Thanks Moglow.  That makes sense.  This brain tumor thing may give my sisters pause..and my fathers mean side could really show its ugly face to them.   I read a post on here that resonated with me. If there is anything healthy there it will find me....