Secrecy and Aggression Surrounding Medical Care

[bunnie]

I'm needing experiences of how you handled uNPD sibling during a medical crisis. Of course, the experience can be any NPD. Did the NPD accept or refuse help? Did the behaviors persist? Any advice on how to deal with long-standing issues (gaslighting, triangulation, sabotaging and attention seeking behaviors)? If and when did you draw the line and enforce boundaries?  I'm feeling destabilized at sibling's aggression and parents' insistence on using me as a sounding board when they've allowed NPD their way all these years.

[hhaw]

Sounds like you already have your plate overly full.

Are these family members ON your plate?  Are they your responsibility? If so, why?

If they're adults, if they're making their own decisions about everything else..... why do you need to be involved in the medical discussions?

Why do you allow yur parents to use you as a sounding board when clearly you'e dealing with your own drama right now and clearly you aren't obligated to BE a sounding board for them or anyone else.

Circle your wagons. You can do it.  You can state healthy boundaries, list the consequenses for non compliance then follow through without hesitating and without emotional drama if they cross your boundaries.

Just be calm, consistent and sorry they're dealing with consequences they brought about for themselves.  You can be hopeful they'll make better choices going forward.

Be ready to follow through once you put boundafies in place.  You don't want to them to see you shake or veer off when it's time to enforce cosequences. You want them to see you act immediately and do exactly what you said you were going to do,IME. 

Good luck,

[bloomie]

I'm feeling destabilized at sibling's aggression and parents' insistence on using me as a sounding board when they've allowed NPD their way all these years.

This seems to be the key issue? It is a very uncomfortable position to be in... when our parents take a powerless position with a sibling who is possibly not trustworthy and then turn to us for support and commiserating or to us to rescue them.

It helps me to ask myself the question: "What is mine to do?"
Often the unhappiness of a family member can bring a sense of false urgency or responsibility in a situation we have zero control over.

Then to look at the impact of being the sounding board for your parents is to your mental health and well being and setting limits on how much and how often you 'listen' to this may bring some space around you answers to how to handle this.

How are you doing with this today?

[bunnie]

Circle your wagons. You can do it.  You can state healthy boundaries, list the consequenses for non compliance then follow through without hesitating and without emotional drama if they cross your boundaries. I have a great support system, for sure. Thank you for encouragement.

Just be calm, consistent and sorry they're dealing with consequences they brought about for themselves.  You can be hopeful they'll make better choices going forward.
Again, thank you for the above reminders. I struggle with anxiety so this is important for me.
Be ready to follow through once you put boundafies in place.  You don't want to them to see you shake or veer off when it's time to enforce cosequences. You want them to see you act immediately and do exactly what you said you were going to do,IME.  I am dealing with family members that are needing me to be panic and react so they can further abuse.

Good luck,

[bunnie]

I'm feeling destabilized at sibling's aggression and parents' insistence on using me as a sounding board when they've allowed NPD their way all these years.

This seems to be the key issue? It is a very uncomfortable position to be in... when our parents take a powerless position with a sibling who is possibly not trustworthy and then turn to us for support and commiserating or to us to rescue them.  This is exactly the key issue. I am thinking and feeling obligated and disoriented due to the family dynamics. My parents have always made it clear that I am the one who must never fail to be loving and supportive. Whenever uNPD sibling acts out, I am asked to be the bigger person. Lately, I've refused and with this illness... well old habits die hard.

It helps me to ask myself the question: "What is mine to do?"
Often the unhappiness of a family member can bring a sense of false urgency or responsibility in a situation we have zero control over. Thank you for pointing out the false urgency and responsibility; that is exactly what caused me to post.  I felt the fog looming heavy and was unable to see clearly.

Then to look at the impact of being the sounding board for your parents is to your mental health and well being and setting limits on how much and how often you 'listen' to this may bring some space around you answers to how to handle this.

How are you doing with this today? I am doing better today.  I commanded myself to breath and not react before running it by my team, which includes this forum.

[hhaw]

bunnie:

It's a great idea to borrow the filters of others so you may SEE what's yours and what's not. 

Where you begin and others end is clear.   

It's confusing when other people TELL you up is down, white is black, their stuff is YOUR stuff to handle, worry about and deal with when it absolutely is not.

Give yourself permission to handle what is yours and hand the other stuff back.... with loving kindness, but back where it belongs.

[bunnie]

hhaw: Thank you for those kind words and affirmation. I truly appreciate it.

[hhaw]

You're welcome, bunnie.