I almost jumped head-first back into the FOG...

[Cat of the Canals]

A short recap: my husband and I are planning a long-distance move. Right now, we're about 2 hours from my PD mom, which is already "too far." So my discussion with her about the move didn't go so well, as you can imagine. There were tantrums and guilt-trips and pouting, OH MY!

That was almost six weeks ago, and the topic hasn't come up again. But we're a family of rug-sweepers, so that's no surprise. If we just ignore the elephant in the room, it'll just leave, right?

About a week ago, though, I got it in my head that I needed to confront her. I know this is counter to all of the advice here, not to mention in everything I've read about dealing with PDs. Even my husband kept saying, "But why? What are you hoping to get out of it? And why now? Why don't you wait until we move and have some distance before you open that can of worms?"

At first I said it was about establishing boundaries. Letting her know that the way she reacted to the news was unacceptable to me. But the more my husband kept asking "But why now?" the more I came around to admitting that I wanted to give her one last chance to behave like a rational person. To offer her an opportunity to act like my feelings matter for once and that her behavior has consequences.

In short: I wanted to cling to the idea that she maybe isn't disordered, even though I know in my heart that she is.

I mean, I already gave her a chance to behave rationally when I told her about the move in the first place, and she acted exactly how I'd expected: like an entitled child that isn't getting the pony she asked for.

When I finally admitted that, I couldn't believe it. Here I've been reading and journaling and watching hours of videos and all of this stuff, thinking I was making all of this progress, and I was still hanging on to this denial.

Thankfully, I think that was it. The last thin thread connecting me to the hope that I can have a meaningful relationship with my mom.

I'm ready to let go now.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

It takes a lot of work to get to the point of seeing denial for what it is and then letting go. I bet all that journal writing, reading, etc. is what empowered you to take on board what you were actually saying and understand it, and then make a rational decision based on the facts. That is huge!!! And bravo to your husband for hanging in there with you. Sounds like he stuck to the question at the heart of the matter.

We did give my MIL an "opportunity" similar to what you describe. We "donned our lab coats" for an excruciating week of PD observation. Wish I'd had the insight to realize she'd already had ten years with me and thirty with DH to act like a rational person! 

That took weeks of therapy to unpack and learn from. But one silver lining, which I thinks applies to you too, is that the desire to give second and third and umpteenth chances proves that we are really kind and (too) forgiving people, no matter what the smear campaign says after the boundaries are up. You were willing to do this for HER benefit!!! Fact is she doesn't deserve the gift you are. Best wishes for your move!

[WomanInterrupted]

I agree with CMC - the willingness to "give her another chance" really DOES show how big your heart is, and that it's in the right place  - but I'm glad your DH was able to get to the heart of the matter, and you've decided against confronting her.   

It won't do any good, and only gives her more of a chance to try to screw up your move, somehow.  The less said to her about it, the better - and I'd only tell her you moved maybe a month or so after you've done it, and started settling in.   

I knew right away I could *never* have any sort of relationship with unBPD Didi - it became more and more painfully obvious with every boundary I erected.  She acted like a toddler having a tantrum, then would regroup and come up with even more half-baked plans, trying to exert her CONTROL over me and my life - which resulted in even MORE boundaries.   

Why they can't see simple cause and effect, I really don't know, but Didi never got it. 

But after she died, I wasn't absolutely *sure* about unNPD Ray.  He was the enabler, and I wondered if now that Didi was out of the picture, was it at all possible to have any sort of relationship with Ray?   

I ran a couple of Litmus tests - sharing information that was inconsequential, but best kept to myself - and yup, Ray failed *spectacularly* by making everything about him, or ignoring what I'd said.   

Just as quickly as I'd wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, that door was slammed shut again.   

From that point on, it was nothing but Medium Chill and Broken Record:  "I can't do that."

Him:  WHY!?!? 

Me:  "Because I told you I can't do that."   

Him:  "But WHY!?"   

Me:  "Because it's just not possible." 

That was the *only* thing that worked on Ray, except for hanging up on him, mid-sentence, after I told him I had to go *twice* - if he ignored me at that point, I'd just say, "Okay - bye!" - and hang up. 

After one call like that, I just started to laugh at myself for thinking I could EVER have a relationship with him!   

You'll get to that point, too - your mom will do or say something so outrageous, one of these days, that you just hang up and start laughing yourself silly.

That actually does help with the detachment process, too - you're more like an anthropologist, observing this strange creature from afar, and taking notes.   

I hope the move goes well, and remember:  loose lips not only sink ships, but get you lots and lots of real-fake medical "emergencies."   

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, it's all a failure to grasp cause and effect!!! Started a new thread over on Common Behaviors. But yeah, your mom's reactions do not follow from what's actually happening, Cat!

[Psuedonym]

Hey Cat of the Canals,

Congrats on your move! I think a slightly different take on your experience is not that you were thinking maybe she wasn't disordered, but that you thought you needed to see the inevitable blowup in order to validate what you already knew. I say this because after I finally went NC with uBPD/N M, I sent her a letter explaining why. I knew what would happen, and boy was I right, but I found it oddly reassuring to know I wasn't imaging how dysfunctional she is. I think it's really positive that you ultimately realized that you didn't need to get into it with her at all. Go you!

[athene1399]

I am so good at talking to and enforcing boundaries with SO's BPDxw, but when it come to my uPDM all that knowledge and practice goes right out the door. Don't feel bad for wanting her to be different. it shows that you care. It just sucks to be in that situation when it is your mother. Whenever I give my mom opportunities to do better, I prepare myself for the disappointment. Sometimes she surprises me, but usually it's same old mom.

It sounds to me like you just want her to understand how disappointed you were in her reaction. That's completely natural. You wanted her to know how unacceptable she behaved just for the small chance it may sink in. It's difficult to accept that she will probably never put your needs first. That really hurts. It's okay to try again and then realize, nope she's still the same. I think it's natural for us to do so (even if it can be counterproductive and hurtful at time). Don't beat yourself up about it. I think it's something that just happens if we choose to stay in contact.

[Cat of the Canals]

Thank you all, so much. The support from this forum has been such a huge help.

The funny thing is, even my family of rug-sweepers knew this would happen. I told my brother about the move a few months before I told uPD mom. The first words out of his mouth were, "I won't tell mom!"  (Like instead of being in our mid-30s, we're both still in elementary school and just broke a lamp or something...  ) But it was clear he knew it had to be a secret, because she was going to flip out.

He was sitting across the table from me when I did finally tell her. As soon as he realized I was about to spill the beans, his eyes got big, and he started shaking his head like, "Don't do it!" (Then he went into a bizarre flying monkey routine while she was having her little tantrum, but that's another story.)

I think a slightly different take on your experience is not that you were thinking maybe she wasn't disordered, but that you thought you needed to see the inevitable blowup in order to validate what you already knew.

That is definitely part of my motivation, for sure. But I've realized I don't even need to stir the pot. I know she'll blow up when she finds out it is happening (and has indeed already been put into motion... without her permission! *gasp*). I just have to be patient! 

In the meantime, I'll just distract myself by setting odds on what type of meltdown she'll have. Ice-cold fury and silent treatment? Or panicky rage with a side of waify tears?