Combination child

[Outsiderchild]

I have lurked for quite some time and I'm finally ready to join.  I haven't quite seen as yet anyone else with quite the same FOO dynamic as I had. 

I was the youngest of three girls raised by parents who where emotionally and physically absent.  I'm old enough that the three kids in the first four years they were married were not wanted, just what happened before the pill.

I was my parents' favorite and as my mom uses infants as narc supply each of my siblings were dropped as a new baby came along.  The anger and pain this engendered in my siblings resulted in borderline behavior in one sibling and frozen bitterness in the other.  As I was the youngest and best at making my parents feel better I was given what small scraps of their attention they could give.  An extrovert in a family of severe introverts. 

After creating this scenario, they then made us latchkey kids as they pursued education and work, leaving us on an isolated farm.  Even before that I have many memories of being left in situations that only now as I grope my way Out of the FOG I realize, "Whoa, that wasn't right."    (I mean, most seven year olds aren't left home alone when they are sick, are they?)

So, my sisters loathed me and emotionally and physically bullied me.  I don't have a single memory of either one that is happy or kind until college.  They say my parents always favored me, but again I can remember the first time either parent told me they loved me and that was after I moved out.   I was always told I was the flakey one, the one that couldn't be trusted.  The one that would (gasp) do just about anything to be with friends.    I think the book that best describes my childhood is "Lord of the Flies."   

So. Supposedly I am the GC who unfairly got whatever minute scraps of attention my parents had to give.  Who was then left alone in the power of siblings who made her the SG.  If I complained, my parents would scream at my siblings and then leave me alone in the care of my now enraged siblings.   Not so good. 

Just typing this is triggering all sorts of "Don't let outsiders know"  as everyone thought my sisters were perfect and my parents so nice. 

So now neither one of my sisters can remember much of their childhood and therefore cannot apologize to me.  They see their behavior as rational responses to their own situations.  Besides, we should just sweep all this under the rug, right.  And as I've seen them use the same behaviors in their own families I've accepted that they were just as damaged as I was by our parents neglect.   

So now as my parents are playing from the elderly PD playbook,  I realize that no one is going to be the family I wanted and I am tired of making everyone else in my FOO feel better.  Reassuring my parents and showing them love, soothing and being kind to my sisters.  They all play the Get Out Of Jail Free cards of "We did the best we could" or "I can't remember."  Which are all probably true.  But. 

I am so angry that no one will acknowledge what happened let alone accept any responsibility.  And I am realizing that I either drift off into NC or let it go and have some relationship with them.

Today my sisters are not abusive and even kind and caring to the best they can be with their own wounds from childhood.  We are all broken.  We all have scars from the conditional, performance based " love" from our parents.  Which leaves me wanting, what exactly?   Permission to leave or  permission to stay in contact?

Gah!  If you've read this far, thank you. 

[Hazy111]

Hi Outsider,

I think you make some salient perceptive points. I know as a so called "GC" that i was some how preferred? Neither of us (my uBPDsis) received love affection warmth, security, or any form of proper parenting at all. I was left schizoid by the experience. I might have got better Xmas presents, always a bone of contention with my sis. I had no say in the matter.

( Ive just had a "lightbulb" moment as i type    With Xmas coming up. i was thinking why i always received cheap rubbish present from my sis. I remember when i was 18 i got a bar of soap! Was this her jealousy still playing out??? )

The fact your sisters have somehow improved their behavior towards you in later life is amazing, mine got worse. I am now NC with my worsening elderly narc father , sis and extended PD damaged family. Unfortunately it was the only choice.

Denial is the default position for so many PD enmeshed families, as the alternative is truly horrific. When i tried to have some relationship with my sister and discuss our past. She resorted to cliche "The past is another country  , its best to not go there"  Then you see how her children have turned out and she cant/wont make the connection. Always looking for glib simplistic answers Its time to move on and leave them , but it is painful and hard .

Good luck with your choices whatever they maybe.

[bloomie]

Outsiderchild - I am glad you have officially joined us here. A neglectful and toxic home environment hurts all of the children who grow up in it. Being favored sounds equal to being able to perform a bit better in ways that "pleased" or "validated" your parents and it is still a lonely and hard spot to live in. I am so sorry.

One of the many things I love about this community is we can work things through together without harming anyone as we make decisions about how to go forward in complicated relationships with siblings and other family members that arise from a toxic home environment we had zero control over.

How healthy to start with the foundational truth that no one is going to be the family you want or deserve. Painful truth, but essential to grasp I have found.

The work of Karla McLaren around our emotions - anger in particular - has been really helpful to me. She decribes anger as the honorable sentry and asks: what needs to be protected? what needs to be preserved?

https://www.karlamclaren.com/2013/03/29/understanding-and-befriending-anger/

So many of us come here and as we share there is a rush of angst because we are breaking the code of silence and speaking our truth. Seeing your truth here - on the screen - where you are believed, supported, and encouraged is powerful and healing.

The work of finding strategies and working through questions around how/if to go forward in these very complex relationships is made a bit easier when others in this community come along side of you and share the load for a little while.

Keep coming back and sharing as you are able. We welcome you.

[LemonLime]

Hi Outsider,
Welcome to the site, and also sorry you're in the situation you are.  It's so difficult to have these deep-seated issues with our parents.

I don't have real advice for you, but will share my story as a GC.   My older sister is my only sibling.   My parents were your average 1960s parents, middle-class and straight arrows, both introverts and not good at talking about emotions.  Image to outsiders was important in my family.  Dad was an engineer, Mom a homemaker and daughter of 2 alcoholics.  Steady-as-they-come parents, no abuse or substance abuse in our house, and a fair amount of laughter.   There was love, though understated and subdued, not really demonstrative.   My sister was difficult for my parents (esp Mom) from the start, and from what Mom says "just couldn't be comforted as a baby".   Mom was an insecure first-time mother and  thus began what I think was sort of a battle between them.  My sister was obstinate and contrary, which made my mom feel like a failure as a mom, and mom had no tools in her toolkit for what to do with that.    So mom's attitude made my sister feel worse, which made her act out more.   Then I came along and was an easy baby and then later when I realized how "difficult" my sister was for my mom I really stayed in my box and tried not to make waves.

My sister resented my mom for not appreciating her spunkiness, and me for well, being born I guess.   Sis accused me of being a "goody 2-shoes" who acted like and angel but was.....I don't know what she thought I was, but apparently my whole personality was a sham in her mind and I was trying to make her look bad.    In reality, as I look back, I was just trying to stay under the radar because of all the explosions between my mom and sister.   My sister visibly did not like me when we were kids.  She didn't abuse me, but she clearly resented me and made that clear at every opportunity.   I became quite distant, just laying low, not reacting much to anything.   When she announced her engagement I didn't say much of anything.  When she went away for a year to travel and then returned I didn't show much emotion.  She had lots of drama in her 20s and I didn't give it the attention I should have.

We managed to grow together somewhat and create a nice relationship that was warm.  I had a more delayed rebellion against my parents, like in my 20's.   Sis and I bonded over that and remained fairly close.   I thought we'd figured out how to navigate our lives as sisters (with lots of "no-fly zones"), and didn't think much about how she treated me as a kid.  She has always had sort of "mini rages" aimed at my mom or dad or the world in general during her teens and adulthood. Now in the last year they are aimed at ME.   She has screamed at me that I am spoiled, entitled, etc.   We are now essentially not in contact because of this.  I believe she has BPD traits, and now that I know BPD tends to have a genetic component (my aunt has similar traits) and environmental (my parents had no emotions-coaching skills) I can see where this came from.  It makes perfect sense now.

I see a therapist now because I feel guilty that I was somewhat cold to my sister in our earlier years.  Who doesn't congratulate their sibling on being engaged?  My T has helped me see that I was in survival mode, and had been for a long time.  I had learned to shut off emotions as too dangerous.  I can see that, and I can forgive the younger me. 

I believe my sister wants an apology from me for being standoffish years ago.   I am afraid to give it, as she now seems to see me as a monster.   She doesn't seem to get that neither of us were raised in the best emotional environment, and that she was acting for her survival, and so was I.   I forgive her and I want to be forgiven and move on.   Why won't I ask for forgiveness?  Because I'm afraid she will take that as an admission that I intentionally mistreated her because I am a monster.  And that she doesn't have any accountability, because she had a monster for a sister and what was she supposed to do?   I am not ready to deal with that emotionally.   I do not trust her to see that she was mean too, and that we were responding normally to our situation.   The implication from her is that there is something VERY wrong with Kat, and that she is determined that I admit it (and that way she is completely off the hook).

I'm not going to get into a peeing contest about who was worse when we were younger.  I don't have an interest in trying to prove that she's a horrible person, even the way she rages at me now.   Hurt people hurt people.  I see her rages now and her childhood mean behavior as a (perhaps maladaptive) effort to make sense of her world.   It's OK, we're adults now.  We can look forward and give each other the benefit of the doubt.

I'm the one working on myself with a T.  I am making an effort to undo old patterns.  But I have had to actually ask T if she thinks I'm a terrible person.  Because that is what sis is essentially telling me I am.

I had a MUCH less traumatic childhood than you did Outsider.  You were so maltreated by your parents.  It's not fair and you didn't deserve it.
I know my story is very different from yours, and I only share it because your story touched me so in terms of sibling angst.   I don't want to justify your siblings' actions, please know that.   I just want to share my experience authentically, and wish you love.   

[TriedTooHard]

Hi Outsider, 

Your FOO dynamics sound a lot like mine.  Lord of the Flies is an apt comparison.  Many years ago, I participated on this site with a different user name, so my background information is long gone, plus I used to write about it in graphic detail, and I don't want to trigger you, myself, or anyone else, so to make a long story short, I completely understand how it is to grow up the way you did. 

You have some tough decisions to make and I have found that when unsure of FOO related contacts, its been helpful for me to not define it too strictly, especially if we're not completely sure if someone is a PD and incapable of change or reason.  What you do is based on your needs and feelings at the time, which can change, based on what's going on in your personal life. 

Here are some things that have helped me along in my journey -

* The toolbox here talks about the 3 C's - you didn't cause it, you didn't control it, and you can't change it.  That, and the board on dealing with elderly uPD parents were a huge help in determining how I should handle the issues that accompany aging uPD parents and their care.   

* Learning about boundaries, and testing them out to see how people respond to my new found boundaries helped me decide how to further proceed with FOO members. 

* Learning about communal narcissists.

With that, though, I've found that the most painful part of my journey was grieving the lost opportunities with siblings, who to this day, after  decades of being on my healing journey, I still can't diagnose.  They were supposed to be our first friends, right?  They were supposed to understand how miserable things were for us, right?  While I am very practical and unemotional when dealing with my aging, elderly uNPDm and N-traited, enabling dad, I'm not sure if I'll ever feel sure in how to proceed with my siblings.    We're all damaged, we all have our own set of fleas, yet none of us can check off enough boxes for NPD or BPD.  I have one sibling, who does check off 7 of 8 boxes for HPD, but her physical health is failing and has eclipsed her HPD traits.  I work a block away from the hospital where she spends a lot of time, and there are some days when I feel like visiting her, and some when I feel like taking a walk with a co-worker, or going home right after work to attend to my own needs, instead. 

Therapy was helpful, along with learning about co-dependency and participating in a co-dependency support group.  There, I learned how to be more accepting of the fact that my siblings were in no position to help or rescue me, just like I couldn't help or rescue them.  And apologies - what a complex topic.  I certainly remember many people walking out of the CODA meeting on that topic.  Its one thing for someone to apologize to a sibling for a specific act and/or model an adult life of better behavior.  But its another to apologize for who someone is - I feel that if anyone should have to apologize for who they are, it should be our parents, but that's not going to happen.  As for the damaged and flea ridden siblings, I now understand that we shouldn't have to apologize to each other for basic personality traits, or circumstances out of our control (such as birth order), that affected the unhealthy coping mechanisms that we all fell into as children.     

Wishing you much peace on your journey.

[Outsiderchild]

I am weeping and overwhelmed by the honest, caring and thoughtful responses to my post.  I have had therapists dismiss my feelings because the abuse wasn't physical or sexual in nature.  To finally have people read this and care enough to respond with such wisdom and compassion...thank you.

I have been given much to work on. 

Thank you Hazy111 for given me both empathy and freedom to choose my path.   Letting me know that either continued contact, LC, or NC will be the correct choice as all my choices are valid.   That unfreezes my soul and allows action.

Thank you, Bloomie for the welcome and for the link about anger.   I will be exploring that site as Karen McLaren's viewpoint on the valid role of anger is new and interesting to me.   Much work for me there.

Thank you, Kat1984 for the courageous post that gave me much to think about.  My sisters were victims, too and had even fewer skills to deal with their pain.  Just what do I need them to say?  What about how much like a little monster of a cuckoo in the nest I must have seemed to them in their abandonment?  Thank you for that compassionate viewpoint that allows not only me, but them also to grow. 

And TriedTooHard thank you for understanding not only my background , but how the repetition of grievances without working for growth can become a burden itself, triggering unhelpful emotion based on the past.   I also with your post finally heard the three C's.  Oh, I've lurked around here for a couple of years, so I've read them many times.  But this time instead of reading and interpreting it as powerlessness to change things I finally heard it as something powerful and healing.  If the three C's apply to me, they also apply to my sisters, too.  Maybe, just maybe a seed of compassion for them has been planted and that gives me peace.

Also, thank you to all the people who read and didn't comment, by viewing my post you heard my testimony and validated my past.  And gave me strength to do the work ahead of me. 

I'm feeling a little nervous that after such exhilaration a crash is inevitable as the reality is we all have many fleas to rid ourselves of. But the wisdom of this group will be there, too.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome,

Other members have already shared many of the things that helped me too. So I will tell you how much your experience wuth the therapists resonates for me.

I started talking to therapists about my family over 15 years ago and I'll never forget the first time I talked about going NC and the therapist didnt argue or challenge or judge me. Just accepted it as if it was understood that I had agency and free will.

It may have changed my life to be met with such positive validation for my difficult choice. I didnt even know I needed that validation until they did it and then I felt like I could finally unburden myself a bit. It still took time to find the right therapeutic stuff for my recovery but it did happen. It will happen for you too. I can see how well aware you are of a future life for yourself without the fleas. That future exists . and you will step in to it.

one day at a time.

You can seek out a counsellor who understands your choices, many of them do and I am sorry you had those experiences with a therapist who did not give you the respect you deserve for sharing and telling them what you've been through.

We are here to share our experiences with you and to be here for you to share what you wish, when you wish.

Trees

[Outsiderchild]

Your are so right about everything needing time.  Maybe time to try therapy again.  I'm clearer now on what my issues are and I think I am more aware of the need to research the therapist, not just take whichever one is available.  Thank you.