Abandonment Issues Clicked

[Wilderhearts]

I was messaging my best friend the other day when the root of my abandonment issues clicked.

My best friend was unable to plan a Vegas birthday for another one of her friends last year, and still felt guilty about it.  She had more than enough reason not to - she had a newborn, a mortgage, and simply hates Vegas.  I told her "she still loves you and she'll understand, even if she's a little disappointed."

That was when it clicked for me.  I'm always afraid people don't love me when I experience some form of real/perceived abandonment, or know I've disappointed them.  My dad would leave me waiting for him in random public places often, and he didn't love me.  He was always walking away on us, and I could never trust that he'd come back, due to his narcissistic cycle of discarding us.  That's why I have that association.

So now when I feel disappointed by friends not showing up for me, they cancel a few too many times, they're depressed and can't text back for weeks, and I feel distress wondering if they no longer love me, I can just remind myself no...they're not uNPDf.

[SparkStillLit]

Omg! Getting left!! Pdmum used to forget to pick me up, most commonly from sporting events, alllll the tiiiiime. Or she'd be horribly late. All the other mums and dads would be waiting in cars to get their kids when the bus arrived, but not mine. It was night, and there I would be. Till 1 or 2 am, and do you think this is polite, because one of the coaches had to wait with me. I'd call and call, and nobody would answer. Sometimes the coaches would just take me home. I'm SURE they weren't supposed to, but I wasn't going to say anything.
Anything else, too, I was forever walking home or bumming rides. I hated it, I'd be catcalled on the public streets and nasty noises made at me. I'd go back street, back alley. In the DARK. Sketch.

[Wilderhearts]

That's really clearly abandonment, Sparks.  My traumaT has noted that many times in my life, when I was a vulnerable child, my "survival was threatened", I had no sane adult to protect me, and "people should have cared more."  I am glad for you that you had those coaches, who knew that putting themselves in precarious positions by breaching protocol wasn't as important as a child having a trustworthy adult with them.

I never experienced anything quite like that, which is why I grapple with the depth of my abandonment issues.  More often dad would park me somewhere in a megastore while he did the shopping because it was easier for him, despite the fact that it left me alone and vulnerable, wondering if/when he was coming back.  He also didn't know how to do anything other than either have his PD explosion of abuse, or storm off in response to narcissistic injury.  So he was often walking away, visibly sick with rage. 

And then there's the fact that everyone in my family left everyone, permanently.  nonM divorced uNPDf, and eventually kicked my sister out, forcing her to live with uNPDf and they didn't speak for about a year.  Sister went NC with uNPDf, and he died a year later - they didn't say goodbye.  There's a lot of permanent relationship fracture and cutting family out, in my FOO.  I'm the only one who never permanently left anyone.

I guess I expect most relationships to follow this pattern, and despite none of my friendships (hardly any...maybe one or two) going in this direction, it's still what I subconsciously expect.  Hopefully now, saying "nope...they're not uNPDf" will do the trick.