Long-term and very-long term NC - general thread

[JenniferSmith]

I was going to put a length of time in the title, but I realized I'm not sure how people here define long-term or very long-term NC. In my mind, I am thinking 10 years or longer, but it doesn't have to a rigid number. I think its definitely longer than five though.

Probably most of the traffic on this site is from people who are perhaps contemplating NC, and then the folks who are newly NC, or NC for a year or a few years.  But I know there are others like me who have been NC for many years.

In my own experience, NC becomes a very different thing when you're talking about a decade or more.  I made a thread about this a few years back and there were a lot of great responses, so I decided to start another thread for the people who are in this long-term category.

I am not going to jump into my own issues yet. I will just post this and see if any folks want to post on this topic, and then go from there.  I hope anyone who feels like this resonates for them will share.

[11JB68]

I've been nc with mostly ubpdm but also entire foo for about 16 years.
I don't envision this ever changing. I believe it's a permanent situation.
It's a long complicated story but I believe my h is uOCPD. At first I sort of felt I had to choose him or her, as they were both driving me crazy. But I've realized that even if I left h I still would not want a relationship with m.

[JustKat]

I fall into that category. I went NC with my NPDmother in 2005 but remained in contact with my enFather. Nmother was diagnosed with cancer some five years into NC at which time enFather "punished" me with an extremely cruel and public disinheritance. At that time I decided to go NC with him as well.

Nmother passed away five years ago, ten years into NC. My father is still alive but I'm now about nine years NC with him, with no plans of ever breaking that. He's in his late 80s, so I expect he'll also pass away while I'm NC. If by some miracle he decides to apologize for the 50 years of abuse I endured then I would consider reconnecting, but I give that one a zero percent chance of ever happening.

It's hard, but the abuse was harder, so I'm at peace with my decision.

[overitall]

I have been NC for over 8 years now.....I have to sometimes see my uBPDm and uNPDf at family events, but rarely....I have one child (DS) who still maintains minimal contact...with that one connection to me, uBPDm has taken every.single.opportunity to try to annoy me (gave my DIL all photos of me, stating she had no idea what to do with them...this was the first time she met my DIL!)  Both parents have stated to my DS that they have "no idea" why I am NC....told my DS that I am definitely "out of the will" because I won't have contact with them...

I have not responded to them in any way whatsoever in over 8 years...it's the best thing I have ever done....all of my children (adults) are very aware of the abuse I endured...DS maintains minimal relationship because he wants contact with my uNPDf....my father has never done anything to my DS, but my mother will take any and every opportunity to smear me....my DS is completely aware of her behaviors and after my father passes, I'm sure he will become NC....apparently my uBPDm isn't so good at hiding her true colors any more...

Both parents are in their 80's; both are alone and miserable; zero friends...(I do have a GC sis who is waiting for the payoff $$$ when they die)
Other than that, they have nothing but each other....

I think at this point, there are no illusions on either side....I know that I don't care what they do or what happens to them and I'm pretty sure they feel the same way....the extended years have allowed me to somewhat heal...but not enough to ever allow them access to my life

[AnneH]

I have been NC with uHPDsis for nearly 8 years and with the rest of FOO for 3.5 years (domino effect). This is permanent. enD is in his 80s and I realize I will never see him again. As the years go by I have had many life changes they know nothing about: 2 kids, a new career, a lifelong medical condition, etc etc etc. I have started to think that the person I am now is not the person who was once the SG and did everything to placate their waify behavior (even down to my hair color, which I now choose as I please). I firmly believe that I have exited that family to create a family and life of my own and that I am *no longer* "their" D, "their" S, or *their* aunt.

About 4 years into NC with uHPDsis, they *all* invested in plane tickets overseas to show up at my doorstep. At the time, I was so concerned that they would corner me at home, at work or somewhere else that I took time off and we all moved into a hotel for a week. For a few years after that, I would look over my shoulder to make sure the coast was clear when leaving my home or work.

Now, I have begun to see humor in the whole situation. I'll put it out here just for laughs (as far as I am aware what follows is coincidental): Their plan a few years ago was to fly over from the U.S. to the country where D-Day occurred, on the exact anniversary of D-Day, to invade my home and conquer me. So in our home, we refer to the incident as "the allied landing". I'm glad the historical one was more successful than theirs!

[Ninaniner]

I am 15 years NC with my mother, she made a couple of attempts 2 to win my children over but didn't pursue them, she informed me at one point (via another relative)that if I did not stop all this nonsense I would be disinherited, I didn't respond the end.
I don't miss anything about her,  I can't imagine what it would be like to have had kind supportive genuine parents.
Thus far I have tolerated my father but I am finding it increasingly difficult.

[PeanutButter]

I am 15 years no contact with all of my foo.
My ubpdm smeared me/played victim to people she knew talked to me. I also recieved 'messages' this way from both of my sisters. "Tell peanutbutter her sister says............blahblah." I had to eventually tell the flying monkeys I was not interested in hearing about these convos and messages.
For years i saw my enf as all good. I now realize that he could have and should have protected me. He also could have contacted me, but didnt.
So I see both my parents as the same kind of disordered now.
Thanks all of you here sharing. Thanks jennifersmith for starting this topic! I feel less alone!

[JustKat]

Both parents are in their 80's; both are alone and miserable; zero friends...(I do have a GC sis who is waiting for the payoff $$$ when they die)

That's my current situation, exactly, and I'm actually quite relieved by it. I guess you could call it a benefit of NC; being freed from any responsibility to provide eldercare for my abuser. Since GC sis is hovering about waiting for her payoff, that burden is all hers (and as sole heir, she's in more of a position to afford it anyway).

And while we're on the subject of long-time NC, I've also been NC with GC sis for at least ten years now. In her case, it was not my decision. She chose to go NC as a result of my mother's smear campaign. Based on her very vindictive actions in recent years, I also believe NC with her will be permanent.

[JenniferSmith]

Finally getting back to this thread... thank you to everyone who has posted so far!    Personally, although I have absolutely zero regret about my decision to go NC, the ripple effects of it have been challenging.  It helps to be able to share with others who are in this unique, and sad, situation.  I will come back tonight and reply to specific posts.

There are many things to be discussed when dealing with long-term NC. If anyone feels like sharing what they would want to talk about, feel free.  For me, its  the impact on other family relationships. But I've come to realize that this is another sign of the unhealthy patterns in our family (which go back generations), so I've worked to let go of my anger at specific individuals.

[overitall]

Aw, JenniferSmith...the repercussions....wow, so many...

My adult children have no cousins....my parents gave me no option...it was either continue to be abused or flee the family...apparently when you flee the family, you WILL be punished.  I also lost all of my cousins...my uBPDm has gone out of her way to smear me to all family members..even though everyone is well aware of how difficult she is, no one wants to face her wrath, so she continues on....

Fast forward to almost 10 years  (8+ of NC)  My adult children are fairly successful, happy, well adjusted...they have some resentment over no relationship with cousins, but they are aware of the reasoning (my parents) of why things fell apart....my parents are old (80+), so I do face that question of how I am "so mean" to my old parents...I simply address this by saying "I am safer apart from them"  It usually stops the questioning

I used to think that age would diminish the efforts of my very, very aggressive uBPDm...that has not happened...my adult DD recently attempted to reconcile with her and faced a very volatile and angry response...my daughter (while at my home) telephoned her to tell her that in no way, shape, or form, would she ever treat or speak to my daughter in the way she had previously...her response..."we'll if you don't like it, then you don't have to deal with me"  My daughter's response?  Yep, I don't have to deal with you and I'm done.   My daughter basically realized how toxic my uBPDm is...she is done and now has more appreciation for what I have had to deal with for my entire life...

As i get older, I realize that my FOO and my issues are not as important to my children (all adults)...it was not their mother and father and I shielded them from a lot of the abuse....they are slowing realizing on their own that the playing field is toxic...the sad thing is that my parents were very, very successful in ruining all family relationships...the only sibling who is involved with them is GCsis who is waiting for the payout upon their death ($$$)  The only true karma would be if GCsis dies first and they are then completely alone...

[JenniferSmith]

I've been nc with mostly ubpdm but also entire foo for about 16 years.
I don't envision this ever changing. I believe it's a permanent situation.
It's a long complicated story but I believe my h is uOCPD. At first I sort of felt I had to choose him or her, as they were both driving me crazy. But I've realized that even if I left h I still would not want a relationship with m.

That is a long time for NC 11JB68.  So you are nc with your own family?  Do you care to share what prompted you to go NC and also to keep it going all these years?

hugs to you!

[JenniferSmith]

I fall into that category. I went NC with my NPDmother in 2005 but remained in contact with my enFather. Nmother was diagnosed with cancer some five years into NC at which time enFather "punished" me with an extremely cruel and public disinheritance. At that time I decided to go NC with him as well.

Nmother passed away five years ago, ten years into NC. My father is still alive but I'm now about nine years NC with him, with no plans of ever breaking that. He's in his late 80s, so I expect he'll also pass away while I'm NC. If by some miracle he decides to apologize for the 50 years of abuse I endured then I would consider reconnecting, but I give that one a zero percent chance of ever happening.

It's hard, but the abuse was harder, so I'm at peace with my decision.

Hi JustKathy - I see some parallels in our situations. I understand what you mean about nc being hard, but the abuse harder.  Do you have other family members who you are in touch with?   What was the main reason you went NC with your mother in 2005?

My parents divorced before I was an adult, so my enDad and uNmom haven't been together for a long time. They each went on to get into different relationships.... but no surprise, they both continued very similar ways of acting in those.  Seeing that has helped me because it shows that these patterns are very deep in both of them.  I've often wondered how I would have done thing if they had stayed married.

[JenniferSmith]

..the extended years have allowed me to somewhat heal...but not enough to ever allow them access to my life

Hi Overitall - thanks for chiming in on the thread. The sentence above that I quoted from your first post really resonates with me - I also have healed a lot during NC - its really taken years, but like you, I just cannot visualize my uNmom ever being back in my life.

I've visualized my uNmom giving me a genuine and heartfelt apology, and I realize that too much damage was done over too many years for an apology to mean anything.  Kind of like the song by OneRepublic with the line "its too late to apologize."

[overitall]

My uBPDm would NEVER apologize....she doesn't think she has ever done anything wrong...she is absolutely clueless....my poor adult DD tried to have lunch with my parents a few months back (trying to see if anything is salvageable) ....she walked away furious and could not believe how much denial my parents have...I reminded her that there is a reason I am NC...I think she had to discover for herself what I have experienced....my DD wants NOTHING to do with my uBPDm now....actually DD telephoned her and told her that, straight out...I was proud of my DD....something I never did...I just went NC because I knew my mother would never "hear" anything I said anyway...my uNPDf is not as bad...(not to excuse him); he is clueless and is now old and stuck with uBPDm alone, lonely, and sick...Karma IS a bitch.....

[JustKat]

Hi JustKathy - I see some parallels in our situations. I understand what you mean about nc being hard, but the abuse harder.  Do you have other family members who you are in touch with?   What was the main reason you went NC with your mother in 2005?

I went NC with my mother after a "final straw" moment. I was on the phone with her and we had a blowup over something. I finally reached a breaking point and for the first time in my life, stood up to her and called her out on her actions. She went infantile and started crying and screaming, then called out to my father to come and rescue her because I was being mean to her. It was so over-the-top that I couldn't take one more minute and just hung up on her. A few days later she mailed me a five-page screed playing the victim and going on about how she had been the perfect mother and all I had done was hurt her. I never talked to her again after that. I never sent a letter explaining my decision to go NC because the reasons should have been obvious to her. I actually feel fortunate that she forced my hand the way she did because I never had to agonize over the decision. It happened in the heat of the moment and there was no going back.

As for the rest of my family .... all gone. When Nmother was diagnosed with cancer she apparently launched a very effective smear campaign. Any family members who had been in contact with me vanished. I've tried to contact my sister but she replaced my brother as the GC and is now sole heir, so she's shut me out and is guarding enFather waiting for her money. Fine with me. They can have each other.

[Pepin]

11 years NC with NF.  Prior to that he discarded me for 4 years when I set out (escaped) on starting my life after graduate school.   

During this time I have received mail, packages and email.  Packages have been tossed but all mail and email has been carefully saved...should I ever need to present it as evidence of his lunacy.

NF for the most part is categorized as a raging, temper tantrum throwing N.  He is not safe to be around and has no access to my children.

As a result of his bad behavior he has used anyone he possibly could to do his dirty work and force communication.  He has been unsuccessful.  He has also claimed to have started smear campaigns stating that anyone that hears his story takes pity on him and that my NC is wrong and that I am a horrible person.  Ahh...if only these people could read all the mail and email that I have saved from NF...

Lately I have been bummed that my children have been deprived of having grandparents or extended family that is more or less normal.  It seems kind of isolating and I feel left out in that respect.  My mother passed away when I was young so I have felt parentless for a very long time.  It's like I am all on my own, except for my dear siblings that are also NC with NF. 

I have been mostly ok with being NC after going through the motions of grief and anger.  But I'm going through those feelings again as I battle how I feel about DH and PDmil and their relationship as she ages.  It's a huge trigger for me and some days I feel like I am gasping for air.

NF is in his late 80s and I will never undo the NC.  And I am certain I've been cut from the will, too...likely to never see any of my Mother's things again either.  That's ok.  I have my husband and my children and most importantly, I have me.

[JenniferSmith]

I decided to dig up the old thread I created about long-term NC - just as a resource for anyone who reading/posting on this thread.

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=34720.0

[JenniferSmith]

I am 15 years no contact with all of my foo.
My ubpdm smeared me/played victim to people she knew talked to me. I also recieved 'messages' this way from both of my sisters. "Tell peanutbutter her sister says............blahblah." I had to eventually tell the flying monkeys I was not interested in hearing about these convos and messages.
For years i saw my enf as all good. I now realize that he could have and should have protected me. He also could have contacted me, but didnt.
So I see both my parents as the same kind of disordered now.
Thanks all of you here sharing. Thanks jennifersmith for starting this topic! I feel less alone!

I can relate to a lot of details in your story PeanutButter  - particularly about enF, and losing the entire FOO.   There is definitely something "off" with the men who stay with these horrid women. 

My enF and M divorced, but my F went on to find another dominating/controlling woman.  She decided she wanted my enF all to herself and made every attempt to cut my sibs and I out of their life.   My very passive, weak enF has managed to maintain a weak connection to us, but its like 5% of a real, actual relationship.   I've realized his stripes have never changed... and once he actually admitted that he has made bad choices in his partners... but still too weak to ever do anything about it. As long as his needs are met, he's Ok with how the women treat his kids.

Anyway, thanks for posting... I look forward to hearing more from you!

[JenniferSmith]

From reading through the posts here... one theme I am seeing is that NC leading to a loss of the entire FOO.

In my case, there are no flying monkeys. No one on my mother's side (aunts/cousins/uncles) has ever reached out to me.  I can only imagine what sort of things she has said about me all these years. My NC started before Facebook and social media... so I didn't have that to possibly maintain some sort of contact with any of them.

My siblings both turned on me a few years after NC. I know for one of them, my NC plays a role in why they've cut me off... but the other, I honestly don't know.  I've contemplated reaching out to them, but so far I just haven't had the internal strength to do it.

I've realized that in my particular FOO, we never really bonded to each other in healthy ways to begin with. My siblings and I never had loving bonds as children, as neither parent had the skills to create those in our family.  I tend to think of my FOO as a bunch of feral cats - we ran together as a pack when we were young, but as soon as we grew up, there was just no connection there and we just scattered to the wind, everyone licking their wounds in their own corner - due to a lot of bad feelings due to favoritism and abuse.  Seeing it through this lens has helped minimize my anger at them.  I mostly feel sad about it now more than anything else.

[xredshoesx]

NC since late nov 1994  with my biological mother (uPD) and her parents (grandma is also some shade of uPD and grandpa was a molester).  it's been so long i remember the month because it was after thanksgiving but can't remember if i was 22 or 23 tbh.

i stayed in contact with my uncle/ half brother (chew on that one for a second) for a until right around 2002 i was over at this place and  the grandparents came over and tried to fog me and it was confirmed what i had suspected for some years- that my uncle was really my half brother...... shortly after that i became NC with uncle/ brother and his wife as well, between the anger about being lied to about my mother's other child and the fact that uncle/brother's wife said some pretty racist stuff about my career path i was just D O N E.   

i don't know or care if the grandparents are dead.  my biological mother would be in her 70s now.

she made some strange attempts to mail me twice at different apartments i lived at but not actual letters- it was like a post card from a gutter replacement company (like she put her name and my address down).  right before i got married i ran my credit report and found that she had opened two credit accounts in my name that had been run up and paid off during this time too- so it all may have been related. 

we had been NC on and off since i was a teenager.  i was in foster care/ state care for several years after she was a person of interest in the fire that killed one of my sisters but got custody of me back my senior year of HS.  before that and the state intervening, i hadn't really lived with her- she put me with her parents once when i was three, and then again when i was 7 when she left my father- at that time she also denied my father access and started a pretty serious case of PAS (i found my dad's family when i was 19 and met my dad again when i was 21)

i had 18 years of reasons why to never speak to her again.  the worse day of my life in NC was still better than any good day i was in contact or having a relationship with her.    it was the only way i could not lose my mind- between the molestation, what happened with my sister who died, all the court stuff, and then finding out my grandparents raised another kid of hers besides me i had just had ENOUGH and the sum of the lies was not worth my sanity to perpetuate.