First death in family since NC

[Sidney37]

I have been wondering for the past year how or if I would be contacted when there was a death in the family.  A cousin of my NPDm passed away recently.  I got a text from the wife of another cousin to tell me.  The message started with some version of "I know you aren't ever speaking to your parents again, but I thought you should know".  At first I thought it was nice that she reached out to tell me before I saw it on social media.  I thanked her, told her how much I appreciated her reaching out and said that the situation with my parents is probably more complicated than people at home (I live far away from everyone else) know.  I asked about the cousin who had passed.  I hadn't seen that cousin in almost 20 years. 

I'm left feeling strange.  While thankful that someone told me, I know that maybe this is what will happen when other relatives including my parents pass.  I'm still left wondering if her comment means that she is a flying monkey.   Should I have said that the situation was complicated?  Was that a JADE.  I know that PDM has had a smear campaign going for almost a year.  My PDM has said terrible things about this woman for years, but I've liked her.  But now that I am Out of the FOG, I see that she is very controlling of her young adult children.  She is one of only 3 or 4 family members who I sill follow and allow to follow me on social media.  I'm left wondering if I should continue to allow that type of contact?  It's just so complicated knowing how to handle relatives who are certainly hearing the smear campaign, but I am so far away that there is really nothing I can do or say without JADEing.  I know that I will respond if someone asks me directly, but no one has done that.  I doubt they will.  I feel like an orphan. 

Any advice from people who have been through this?  I guess it's just the next step in learning to live without family, but it's weird, lonely and so many things. 

[Psuedonym]

Hey Sidney,

That is 100% flying monkey in my opinion. Here's how I read this:  I know YOU AREN"T EVER SPEAKING TO YOUR PARENTS AGAIN, but I thought you should know. It's sooooo passive aggressive, and a) manages to dump all the blame and responsibility on you, while b) somehow making out the sender of said message to be some sort of saint for 'letting you know'.

You are in a way an orphan. I said that after enDad died and I went NC with uPD M, that I felt like an orphan. Unfortunately, that's infinitely better than being constantly exposed to the toxicity of a PD parent, especially one that clings to you for their identity/security. It means you are free to be your own person, instead of the person that your family demands you be.

I think you handled the situation very gracefully. Saying that the situation is more complicated than might appear is a very nice way of saying 'you don't have all the facts that you think you do'. You did not jade. You asserted a boundary. Anybody with any wisdom or life experience would know off the bat that there's something really off about a woman who goes around trashing their daughter to family members. Those who don't are either extremely gullible or like minded. You don't owe her an explanation and you didn't give her one. My recent experience has been that the people who are worth your time will figure it out on their own.

I know it's tough.

[WomanInterrupted]

I agree - I smell a flying messenger monkey and that bit about, "I know you're never speaking to your parents again..."    was SO unnecessary, intended to *shame* you and make you feel like a naughty child.   

You handled the situation with grace and didn't JADE - and questioning whether you should allow contact with this person or not is a BIG tell.   

Your body (gut/instincts) know something is wrong or off - I'd listen to them and take whatever measures you see fit to stop future unwanted contact.

Vivid Imagination once wrote: If it feels yucky, it is.

And damned if that ain't the truth!   

Pseudonym wrote:

My recent experience has been that the people who are worth your time will figure it out on their own.

I'd like to add my own, "AMEN!" to that.