“But you don’t want to regret...”

[peacetrain]

I have been n/c with my FOO two years now - UNPDmom, EnDad, two GC siblings). In that time, I have been in some serious therapy for c-ptsd. Progress has been made after a lifetime of not understanding the impact of emotional neglect and verbal abuse,  My enDad is in the hospital and not expected to survive another night. He and UNPDmom live 1.5 hours away by plane. I have grieved the loss of them from my life. I have three sons in their 20s. They are there with the family. I feel like I need to support my sons emotionally during this time, but, I'm torn because I don't want to fall into that despair. I am triggered just thinking about traveling there. I have made peace, but the pressure of "don't do something you'll regret" is strong. My sons say they'll support my decision with way.

I'm wondering if anyone has had to go through a similar situation?

Thanks in advance

[GettingOOTF]

My view is that there is no wrong choice in these situations.

When my mother was dying I flew back. It was years and years ago when I was deep in the FOG. It was an upsetting and stressful situation that brought out the worst in pretty much everyone. Some of the cruelest things my father did to me were during this period. Knowing what I know now with this site, therapy and NC I'm not sure what I would do today.

You can support your sons without flying back. From what you've written it sounds like not going would be the better choice.

Look it's going to suck either way. When my mother died it brought up a lot for me. I really mourned in a way I didn't think possible. You don't know how you will react. Her dying freed me up in so many ways and it also humanized her in a way I'd never been able to see her when she was alive. I've not been in the exact situation as you but my advice based on my experience is go in to it as strong as you can. Do what will cause the least trauma  for YOU.  Everyone else will deal with it in their own way and your going or not won't impact that.

Hang in there. I'm sending you comfort and support 

[Call Me Cordelia]

I have not been in the deathbed scenario. I'm really sorry you're facing this, and sorry for the pressure you are feeling. It might help to point out that any guilt-tripping coming your way is likely not coming from a place of concern for your wellbeing, even if it's not meant cruelly. I notice you don't name the source. People in society at large definitely have expectations for how the dying parent scenario is supposed to go. All is to be forgiven and forgotten in the face of death. Parents deserve to be surrounded by adoring family. Your bucking the system is uncomfortable. Many people don't know how to handle that, would rather try to get you to fit your actions to their narrative rather than reconsider their assumptions.

Getting Out of the FOG's isn't the only story I've read of abusive parents' last moments being used to get in a few last jabs, or the other parent uses the deathbed scenario to further the abuse or try to pretend everything has always been just fine or some other nonsense. Your instincts are right in my opinion, you aren't safe around NM just because dad is dying.

So really, the potential for regret is there no matter what you decide. There will be regrets either way. There is much to be grieved when a parent dies, and even more when that parent was such a disappointment to you. It's the same grief you've already grieved in a way, I think that's very insightful.

I'm glad your sons have expressed they will support you either way. It sounds to me too like you don't want to go. If you did go, what would be the purpose?

[Amadahy]

I'm very sorry. Strength and peace to you, Peacetrain. Your sons sound like stellar humans. ❤️

[moglow]

So really, the potential for regret is there no matter what you decide. There will be regrets either way. There is much to be grieved when a parent dies, and even more when that parent was such a disappointment to you. It's the same grief you've already grieved in a way

I couldn't agree more with this. Peacetrain, you already have regrets, are grieving, and are doing as best you can with them. My PD mother is still living, and right now if I never see her again in this life I'm okay with it. No deathbed apology or epiphany will change anything for me - from the sounds of it you feel much the same.

I think you can support your sons from wherever you are. They know  and sounds like they see more than we may give them credit for. Be proud that you've raised those men!

Be gentle with yourself and try to step away from the shoulds and if onlys that may be haunting you just now. Go with what you know and feel to be best for you. Some extra self care might be a good idea as you work through this.

[_apparentlywicked]

Hi peace

Firstly it sounds like your sons can support eachother so you don't need to feel that you're letting them down by not being there.

Also I've learnt something about death. I had a complicated relationship with eldest sib. When she died I did grieve for the depth of connection we could never reach but as time went on I settled back to acceptance of what the relationship was and that I can only connect as much as the other person wants.

So although the loss of someone difficult in your life may for a time throw up all sorts of 'bargaining' thoughts, that over time you'll settle back down to accept what was in front of you at the time and that real relationships need two self aware people.

You can trust in your wisdom. Your reading of the dynamic is accurate. His passing is unlikely to change your hard won awareness of our powerlessness to make people be who we want them to be. And to move away from those who cannot honour us with truth and authenticity.

❤️🦋

[theonetoblame]

I've been there and didn't go to visit. I spoke to my father after she died and asked if he wanted me to attend the funeral, he said he would. So I did.

The funeral was surreal, the most weird of all was seeing the little bucket containing the ashes of my deceased mother. Somehow I thought there would be a casket...

I was doing Ok until an aunt came and dumped a bunch of information on me about how my mother has been involuntarily hospitalized in a psychiatric institution the year prior to them adopting me... and some other nasty bits. Then, I unraveled a bit. Slammed a couple drinks, and started muttering to my partner and the one cousin I had any type of relationship with. I kept it together, sort of, and didn't make a scene but at one point the idea came so very clearly to me that I needed to go and yell at everyone -- it was time to leave, and I did.

Then, back at the hotel I screamed at myself in the mirror and broke down -- I was soooo angry, and soooo hurt.... I might have kept it together when there, but attending the funeral brought harm to me.

Everyone's experiences are different -- if given the choice to repeat this event I would not attend.

[peacetrain]

Thanks to each of you. I appreciate your wisdom and support. He did end up passing away a few days ago. I was not there. My sons took the lead in caring for his as he was transported home. My NPDmom and flying monkey sisters did not do much. It's surprising because they work in healthcare and know more of the nuts and bolts of coordinating care. But it's not surprising because of their selfishness. I guess I assumed too much. So a lot of the burden fell on my guys to see that his last hours were comfortable.

I am flying to the funeral with them. I have no desire to see my UNPDmom or sisters. It's very uncomfortable. My body is doing the c-ptsd thing - tummy in a knot, a bit of the dissociated feeling, etc. I will stick to my boundaries, however, and not attend the actual service if that is what I have to do.

Be well,

PT

[GettingOOTF]

Sending you support. Check in here if it gets too much. 

[Blue233]

I have been no contact with my father and brothers (remaining family) for over a year when my father killed himself.  About 6 months prior to his suicide, he was in the hospital and I was contacted by friend of family and urged to "go see him".  I did not.  I had already grieved the loss of him as my "father" during the past year and was in therapy.  I was at peace with knowing there was nothing more I could do to make the situation better.   He survived his surgery and was discharged.  Then 6 months later he killed himself.  I have not felt great sadness since he died.  It's been about 2 months.  But again, I had already grieved the relationship for over a year while being  no contact.  Instead, I felt great relief that he could no longer harm me.  A huge weight has been lifted off of me.

I went to the funeral.  It was awful.  I felt like I was in the twilight zone.  People everywhere telling me "how wonderful he was".  They had no clue who he was in his closest relationships.  I gray rocked everyone, smile and nodded, and thanked people for coming.  My narc brothers behaved themselves in public.  I left funeral and burial relieved to go home and felt dirty I had even gone to the funeral in the first place.   These people are scum (those who are narcs and support narcs and abusers).  I realized there was no way for me to ever go back to the helpless victim role I had been forced into for years.  I had outgrown all of these people from my former life. 

I am much happier now that I am away from anyone who knew my family and my brothers.  I was disinherited (found out narc dad had done this before I went no contact - so all my gut instincts that he was going to screw me over were correct).  I don't care, my integrity and peace of mind are far more valuable at this point.  I will never speak to any of them again, and I'm at peace with that.

Hope you find peace as well.

[theonetoblame]

I will stick to my boundaries, however, and not attend the actual service if that is what I have to do.

Stay strong, and remember the Obligation in the middle of FOG. Personally, I've always tried in my way to do the 'right thing' i.e. to fulfill my perceived obligations. In the emotional turmoil following my mother's death, this is what led me to attend the service.

[Kiki81]

The strictest etiquette holds that funerals/etc are purely to console the family and survivors of the deceased (you). If attending the funeral would not console or benefit you, you need not attend. "Paying respects" is from feudal times, in which we now do not live.

[Nominuke]

As others have said there's no real correct answer here. You can only do what you think is best.

In my case I had only been NC with my FOO for a few months when my enabling parent died.

I went to the funeral and sat on the opposite side of the crematorium to the family. It was a weird feeling and I didn't speak to Nparent of siblings there. Sibling was visibly upset during the service, Nparent wasn't though (surprise, surprise).

Really I only went to say goodbye and left right after.

Although I did learn in the eulogy that I was basically an unplanned birth which forced them to get married. This went someway to explain my Nparent's burning resentment of me.

I was planning on visiting the memorial on the 1st anniversary but found out that FOO hadn't organised one. So in a way I was glad I went to the funeral.

Would I have had any regrets not going? Who knows. But for me I think it was the right decision.

[JustKat]

Hi Peacetrain,

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

When my Nmother was dying I was bombarded by flying monkeys that tried to guilt me into coming. When the end finally came I decided not to go. I just knew she would use that final visit to stick it to me one more time. Like GettingOOTF, my father also did some of the cruelest things he had ever done during this time. He retaliated in the worst possible way. I can say with absolute certainty that I made the right call in not going. After she passed I came to realize just how bad my enFather really was, and I made the decision to go NC with him as well. In the end, my mother had alienated so many people that there was no funeral, so I didn't have to struggle with that one. My enFather had her cremated and scattered her ashes at sea.

I hope everything goes well for you at the funeral. Your sons will be with you so at least you won't have to deal with any uncomfortable family situations alone. If you decide that you can't handle the stress of the trip, it's okay not to go. Follow your instincts and do what is best for you. C-PTSD can do terrible things to our minds and bodies so take good care of yourself.

Sending good thoughts your way...