Writing a letter or not?

[MarlenaEve]

I'm preparing for NC, I feel as if it's coming which is nice. However, I don't know how to do it. I've read few posts here of people who wrote a letter to their family and I liked the idea. I think I have too much compassion for them and I want to explain why I cut them out (for the 2nd time now).

This is what I say in the letter: I have decided to take a break from communicating with this family. I am very stressed and I need to be alone.

My name.

Will this work? I really want to leave some reason behind and not ghost them or leave them hanging. I'm thinking if someone did that to me, it would suck. I know PD people are not normal, but I still want to give them a reason.

Any thoughts? Did you write a letter/email? Did you tell them over the phone?

[SunnyMeadow]

This is a tough call but if I was going to write a letter, I'd write it just like your example. I simply blocked my mother everywhere and called it a day. I figured if I sent an email she'd just send a novel length reply how she never does anything wrong and how could I do this. I couldn't deal with that.

I agree that someone leaving me hanging would suck but my mother said evil things which caused my NC so I figured.... this was the best way for me. I seriously couldn't talk to her at that point and sure as hell couldn't deal with her sniveling reply.

If you want to give them a reason, your letter is a good way to do it.

[JustKat]

When I went NC with my mother I had a final straw moment during a phone call and just hung up, so no explanation was needed. I understand your need to write a letter, though. My advice would be to keep it short and don't cite specifics. The reason for keeping it simple and ambiguous is that Ns weaponize letters and texts. They share them with anyone they can find as a way of vilifying you and making themselves look like victims.

If you do need to send a letter, what you've written is really pretty perfect. You're stressed and you need a time out. Full stop. No need to add specific reasons. They know what they've done.

Wishing you all the best. I know this isn't easy.

[JustKat]

I figured if I sent an email she'd just send a novel length reply how she never does anything wrong and how could I do this.

I have one of those novels! A few days after my mother and I had our final blowout over the phone I received a multi-page screed in the mail detailing everything I had ever done to hurt her. What my Nmother sent was downright comical, so at least I was able to shrug it off. But do be aware that they usually don't roll over and accept NC, so be prepared for a return letter.

[moglow]

Will it "work" - depends on your goal. Many would take that as a gauntlet and hound you, demanding answers to which they feel entitled. They might enlist others, insisting that you need help. Some (like mine) simply go quiet and you're left with that flat "oh. She doesn't even try." feeling.

Even though no contact is entirely your choice, it doesn't come without consequences. You're choosing to separate yourself and like it or not that's gonna leave a hole. Decide what you truly want and need from it - without any input from the family whatsoever - and act accordingly.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, it 100% depends on your goal. It sounds like you are an honorable person who wants to treat others as well as you can. All I can say is remember the 51% rule. Your needs are most important here.

I said similar to my parents, over the phone. I called out a particular very hurtful thing they did/said, and that I simply needed some time out from the relationship if they were going to treat me so because I am very stressed right now. (Nothing to do with them, and they were aware of those circumstances. Which I had hoped for their support with. Normal parents would have been there for me. I got blamed for my "entitled attitude.")

They went from ignoring to relentlessly hounding and smear campaigning, to the point I had to enlist legal advice. It was awful. I do wish I had just ghosted, but it never even occurred to me that was an option.

[Starboard Song]

I have decided to take a break from communicating with this family. I am very stressed and I need to be alone.

We decided to write a letter, following the BIFF principle: Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. We said that the current situation was not acceptable, and we announced a firm statement of NC. In a few brief sentences we made it clear that this applied to our son as well as us. And we made a statement that left an open door for them. I won't give more detail to protect my own privacy.

This made it very clear WHAT we were doing, and we didn't blame them, so it was FRIENDLY, and we didn't mince words or sound uncertain: we were FIRM. Brief, for us, meant about two good-sized paragraphs.

Your draft above doesn't make clear what's going to happen next. Should they call in a week or two to ask how you are doing? Should they send letters or emails to stay in touch during this break? You aren't obliged to provide such information, but I think it is important to observe that you don't give them any such direction. I'd suggest, if you are going to write, using your writing to inform: this is what I will be doing, and this is what I need from you.

Good luck.

[JustKat]

They went from ignoring to relentlessly hounding and smear campaigning, to the point I had to enlist legal advice. It was awful. I do wish I had just ghosted, but it never even occurred to me that was an option.

Cordelia, I don't think it would have made any difference if you had ghosted. I ghosted, moved to a new house in a different state and changed my phone number. They still found me and hounded me. These days the Internet makes it pretty easy to find someone.

[Hazy111]

Write it but dont send it.  Them receiving a letter is "narc supply". You sound like you need to stop yourself being their narc supply.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

MarleneEve - If you decide to write a letter, I personally like the version you drafted for a couple reasons. First, you state your intent unemotionally and with brevity. Second, you do not give specific examples which I think is good because they tend to take such details not to understand your point of view but instead to shoot holes in your logic. So, I like what you drafted. 
     
Overall, I believe sending a letter is a personal decision. I do not believe there is a "right or wrong" way, just a way that is best for you. I suggest to do what gives you the most sense of peace, and do it for yourself - not so much for how the person receiving it might feel, or how you might look in their eyes, since that can be about as stable as shifting sand. 
   

[MarlenaEve]

Thanks, guys.

Starboard song: I really do not plan on contacting them ever again. That is why I didn't write when I'll call them or get in touch with them. The letter was only to explain to them why I cut ties. It's for their benefit. If I write 'please, don't contact me ever again', I know for sure a world of hurt will open up for me. Because they don't want me to leave the system. So it is either ghosting like some people here did or this ambiguous letter.

Hazy111-Now I am thinking whether it's wise to keep this letter to myself. As I said the letter is for them because I don't like cutting family out without explanation. I have ghosted some toxic friends but we didn't know each other for long. I've known my family since I was little so in my eyes, they at least deserve an explanation. And yeah, I know they did really bad things and someone colder than me would just stop communicating with them.

But here is my point. Last time I went NC I did it by ghosting them and blocking their phones. The guilt I felt afterwards was excruciating. I believe the guilt was the one that made me reconnect with them.

Yeah, I need to stop letting them use me for supply, that's a very good observation. I rarely think of how much I let them use me or take advantage of me. A therapist told me this as well and I was shocked. I gotta face reality and stop them from taking so much from me.

[Boat Babe]

You say that it was guilt that brought you back into contact with abusive PD parents. We really understand that. So do you. In my opinion, I would send the shortest of notes, to satisfy your own need for common courtesy (which you never received from them) and go full NC/everything blocked immediately.

Then do something really nice for yourself if you can, specially something they would hate you doing 😀

[DaisyGirl77]

This is what I say in the letter: I have decided to take a break from communicating with this family. I am very stressed and I need to be alone.

My name.

Will this work? I really want to leave some reason behind and not ghost them or leave them hanging. I'm thinking if someone did that to me, it would suck. I know PD people are not normal, but I still want to give them a reason.

Any thoughts? Did you write a letter/email? Did you tell them over the phone?

Ehhhh...  I don't really like it because it feels too JADE-y to me.  I'd go with "I am taking a break from communicating with the family.  I will reach out when I am ready."

I went NC twice with my uNM.  The second time was permanent.  I stated explicitly the second time that I was removing myself from her family & she'd gotten her wish: that she now had two daughters, not three.  The first time was a rip-roaring confrontation/fight over something she did that left me so incredibly stressed out that I thought I had to file a police report for theft & lock down my credit reports because of some sensitive information that went missing.  She refused to see where she went wrong.  I kept silent all through the holidays even though she sent me cards & stuff--like she was trying to rugsweep, then called her out afterwards in a loooooong letter that explained exactly how I saw her actions.  She reached out two months after that & had a face to face talk.  I still maintain her reasons for doing what she did then were completely uncalled for, particularly since she felt she had no obligation to let me know & still believed this months after the confrontation happened.

With uN/BPD eF's mother, I never said a word.  I told my father that she was never to know anything about me.  She destroyed that relationship.  Same for eF's brother.  They know damn well what they did, & when people (there are some mutuals, unfortunately) ask how that side of the family is, I tell them I don't know; they did things to me that family never should do & destroyed any chance of a relationship because of their actions & I've distanced myself because of their horrific actions/abuse.

It's really up to you how you believe you need to handle going NC.

[Hilltop]

I wrote a short email to my mother before I did a period of NC and I did something similar to "I am taking a break from communicating with the family.  I will reach out when I am ready."

I worry that writing 'I am very stressed and need to be alone' will be used by your family to show other people and tarnish your reputation by saying 'see she's depressed/unstable/unhappy' etc, its all on her, we have tried to help but she pushes us away.  Perhaps I am just thinking of myself and my mother but I wouldn't JADE.  Your family will probably still say what they like but I wouldn't give them anything to use.  My mother has said all those things so I wouldn't want to give her anything in writing to add fuel to the fire.

I liked that I sent something because for me I could then relax, my silence was communicated to them and I could block my parents without wondering what they were thinking or if they would show up at my house wondering why they hadn't heard from me.  I mean depending on the parents they could still do that but with my neglectful cold parents they never did.  I would recommend blocking after though so you don't get drawn into any further discussion about it.

[TwentyTwenty]

I didn't write a letter.

I had my lawyer send a cease and desist order, and that fixed everything for us.

Problem solved.

[Hazy111]

Yeah i have a big guilt issue about it to. I think you may still deep down think they may acknowledge your pain and change.   

This is my take. I read about this in a book about "The Narcissistic family" cant remember the author but it was for therapists dealing with children of Narc parents. They labelled it "Going back to the well".

You arent being cold, you are practicing self care and love.  The guilt you have is a projection from your parents.

" In good enough  families the emotional health of the children is the responsibility of the parents. In PD narcissistic families its the childrens responsibility for the emotional health of the parents. "

Thats where your guilt comes from.

[Dandelion]

I think a brief letter can be useful to write in some scenarios.  It really depends what you want to achieve and the circumstances that brought you to NC. 

I took a long time with my note.  It was short, also two paragraphs, re-drafted many times, and I left breaks of a few weeks in between each draft, I never sent it in the end, for various reasons and my mother was giving me the Silent Treatment so it was also unnecessary from that point of view anyway. 

In some way I think I also wanted to be "correct" and "clear" and grown-up from a moral and personal standpoint, that I was doing the right thing in the right way (and I was also giving her the option to apologise for her recent abuse and tantrum, the first time I had ever 'asked' for an apology, so I was also making my terms of becoming friends again clear). 

But, in the end, I thought when has my mother cared about doing "the right thing in the right way", or apologised to me, or tried to be adult about repairing our relationship etc?   So, unsure what it would achieve, I just left it in the end and never sent the letter.  I suppose it felt like there was nothing left to say at that point.  But I found it very useful to keep writing the letter - it was interesting what came up.

I think everyone is so different on this, and you have to follow your own judgment MarleneEve, just give yourself time as necessary to do this. 

[SeaSalt]

My psychologist advise me to write short msg stating that I will go NC to avoid them filing a missing person report or whatever.
So I did. I wrote by whatssup to my mother just a short note that I am again sick of her lying and manipulating and can not take it anymore. I said that I will block her on my phone and social media for my own sake to protect myself and that if I recover and wish to contact her, i will do so one day.
As soon as I send it, she replied immediately that I dont need to block her, that she promisses me that she will behave and not hurt me anymore and that she loves me.

I answered: "what you do mother is the opposite than love." Than I blocked her.

It felt so good to write this last sentence. I know that she does not care, but i felt a huge relief knowing that I finally got to express my feelings toward her, at least 0.1% of them.

I recommend to do what feels right to you. When you think of something, observe your body, if you feel peace, it is a good idea.

[blues_cruise]

I didn't write a letter and half wonder if it might have been easier if I had. Saying that, I was extremely depressed and anxious at the time and was only at the very beginning stages of learning what assertiveness was and how it should look, plus there was a possibility that it might have led to full on rage meltdown on his part. I wasn't in any fit state to be immediately dealing with that on my doorstep or, more to the point, at my workplace. I was terrified about him randomly turning up there and trying to humiliate me in front of everyone and he most likely would have if provoked. I know exactly how the sociopath works.

Not writing a letter meant that he hardly bothered trying to get in touch for years but would go around behind my back whining that he didn't know what he had done wrong and lying about how he was desperately trying to get hold of me (i.e. sending me a birthday card once a year and hassling family for information now and again). Since I only very rarely heard about it I was able to just get on with things. The real issue with going off the radar like this was that I experienced so much shame about it and second-guessed myself for not telling him outright that I didn't want a relationship with him. This shame has massively eased over the last year or so though as I've gone deeper into trauma work, come to understand just how much developmental damage he caused and really tapped into my anger over it. It's possible that even with sending a letter that the feeling of shame over being no contact is something that would have been present regardless and would have still taken time and self-care work to ease. 

This is what I say in the letter: I have decided to take a break from communicating with this family. I am very stressed and I need to be alone.

My name.

It sounds fine and straight to the point, but you know your family best. How are they likely to react to this? Will they accept it or will they try to force more information out of you? It might help to make a point of requesting that they don't contact you and ask them to respect your request for space until you are ready to get back in contact with them. A time period might be an idea too, just in case they only give it a couple of weeks or something silly and start pushing at your boundary.

I think my father would have treated this like a game/challenge and still pushed for contact with faux concern or pretending to misunderstand what I was asking of him (I've just remembered for certain why I didn't write a letter), however he has extremely strong antisocial personality disorder traits. The best advice I can give is to reflect on how your family has reacted to any attempts at setting boundaries in the past, then it might help further frame your wording to them in order to avoid as much unnecessary stress as possible.

Good luck, I know how hard this is. 

[MarlenaEve]

I wrote a short email to my mother before I did a period of NC and I did something similar to "I am taking a break from communicating with the family.  I will reach out when I am ready."

I worry that writing 'I am very stressed and need to be alone' will be used by your family to show other people and tarnish your reputation by saying 'see she's depressed/unstable/unhappy' etc, its all on her, we have tried to help but she pushes us away.  Perhaps I am just thinking of myself and my mother but I wouldn't JADE.  Your family will probably still say what they like but I wouldn't give them anything to use.  My mother has said all those things so I wouldn't want to give her anything in writing to add fuel to the fire.

I liked that I sent something because for me I could then relax, my silence was communicated to them and I could block my parents without wondering what they were thinking or if they would show up at my house wondering why they hadn't heard from me.  I mean depending on the parents they could still do that but with my neglectful cold parents they never did.  I would recommend blocking after though so you don't get drawn into any further discussion about it.

Hi Hilltop. After reading all these answers, I've decided to take your approach. You're right. Mentioning that I am stressed out (which is true) will give them a reason to talk badly about me and perhaps blame the stress/mental illness for going NC. They are capable of making up stories about me regarding my mental health issues.

I think the same as you-I wouldn't be able to relax if I went NC and didn't tell them/leave a note. The gesture is mostly for us, I think. Because our PD parents won't appreciate the letter or the intention behind it, that's for sure.