Struggling to grieve the loss of my siblings.

[PattyIce]

I went on my first date in a very long time last night.  It was great, but when she brought up a question about siblings, I became very sad, mad and disassociated.  I pulled myself out of it, but it was shocking how painful it was.

When I went home I realized that I block out a lot of my thoughts pertaining to my siblings, a younger sister and brother.  It's painful to think about how they are still in the fog, how they have wasted so much of their potential, how miserable they are and how much time I wasted trying to have even a shred of a relationship with them.  Even crazier that they think I'm the bad one for leaving.  They are really deeply enmeshed.

I don't know what to do.  I can't seem to shake the pain and misery, and it really is effecting me.  Maybe this is part of the process, letting it out and venting.  But dam, it feels like a stain that I can't seem to scrub from my soul.

[dreamtree]

No real advice, as I am an only child. However, I lost my Dad to a narcissistic family cult that he married into after my mother died.

The weirdest thing for me has been that his new family, headed by his wife, has managed to entirely OVERWRITE me in his brain. I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know me at all anymore.

It took a long time to get used to this. I didn't think I would.

One thing that might help for you to remember is that your siblings do have free will, although it may not seem so, and are choosing to remain. But their choice could change! You never know! And you can make a pact with yourself to be there for any of them should they see the light. As long as you maintain your boundary, you can still choose have an open door in your heart and that surely helped me.

It took me a good while to realize OHHHH, my dad is not tied up in a dungeon. He regularly socializes with other people and he could write, call, email, etc, anytime he wanted.

So while I grieved the loss of him, I realized over a long period of time that 1) he is not dead 2) he is making this choice. I can tell myself he is under a spell, and that is true, but in his case, he CHOSE to be part of this family.

All in all , it's a bit late for him... I don't think he will snap out of this at his age. He is too far into it.  For your siblings, there is probably still some hope. You don't need to do anything to keep that hope active FOR them. Just take care of yourself and as you get stronger, you will be more able to be there for any of them who figure out what is going on!

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm also not in your exact position - I'm still in low contact with my NPD/BPD mother. But my brother, who I've always been very close to, is deeply enmeshed. He lives about fifteen minutes from my parents in a house they helped him buy. He relies on them for childcare. And he complains almost non-stop about their complete inability to respect simple boundaries. One of the things that frustrates me most is that when I've tried to validate his anger, he will almost always turn it around to be about how "mom has a right to feel that way" or "it isn't so bad." He has a knee-jerk instinct to return to his position as an enabler. He has also been a flying monkey at times, guilting me to "be the bigger person" when my mother has been abusive to me.

So I know some of that hurt. Feeling like they are choosing further abuse over leaving the comfort of the narc resource stockpile. Feeling like they'd rather gaslight you than confront the dysfunction. Feeling like you can't even speak your truth without them choosing sides. It's hard.

The hardest part of all, and the part that makes me angriest, is the realization that my mother's PD has led to such limitations in the relationship with my brother. The idea that I now have to tread on eggshells even with him, of all people, hurts bad.

I journal a lot. That's what helps me most when the anger and frustration start kicking into high gear. It doesn't fix it or make the feelings go away, but it does make it a little easier to process and move past the more painful bits.

[MarlenaEve]

I went on my first date in a very long time last night.  It was great, but when she brought up a question about siblings, I became very sad, mad and disassociated.  I pulled myself out of it, but it was shocking how painful it was.

When I went home I realized that I block out a lot of my thoughts pertaining to my siblings, a younger sister and brother.  It's painful to think about how they are still in the fog, how they have wasted so much of their potential, how miserable they are and how much time I wasted trying to have even a shred of a relationship with them.  Even crazier that they think I'm the bad one for leaving.  They are really deeply enmeshed.

I don't know what to do.  I can't seem to shake the pain and misery, and it really is effecting me.  Maybe this is part of the process, letting it out and venting.  But dam, it feels like a stain that I can't seem to scrub from my soul.

I relate to everything you said here. It's like you told my story.  I too tried (still do a bit) to have relationships with my 2 bros, but they're so stuck in the trauma bond, it's incredibly painful and disturbing to see that from outside. When you are "awake" and see your other siblings stuck in the same pain circle for years and years it breaks your heart.

That pain-you need to cherish it. It may stay there with you or leave you at one point. This is a grieving process and it's different with everyone.
I think I'll always grieve my brothers because I'll remember how much potential they have and how much they could have become.

Sincerely, there is no hope for them and I see them stuck in the trauma bond and in this toxic exchange of negativity with their parents. I just blocked a brother of mine and later on, the second one.

I truly hope you find the peace in your heart to move on spiritually from these people. Make a family of your own-it doesn't have to be made of SO but of quality friends, supporters and counselors who truly love you and care for you. I know it's easier said than done.

Much love.

[PattyIce]

Thank you satya2021.  I like the idea of making a pact with myself.  I think that will help ease a lot of the mental weight.  And that does make me feel better knowing they both made a choice.  I know my brother has been hobbled in many ways, and relies heavily on my father for money.  Same thing with my sister, she relies a lot on his payments.  For me I was the golden child, so I learned how to hustle and make money on my own, but thankfully always new I would turn against my dad and I used his plans for me against him.

Thanks for sharing that Cat in the Canal, I'm sorry you are experiencing the same.  And my brother also has a house that my father I'm pretty sure paid for.  Thanks also for saying "They would rather gaslight me then face the dysfunction."  I think this is also why it hurt so much, because gaslighting is a form of abuse, and I never expected that to come from my siblings.  When they did it to me I went into shock, and if I'm being honest I don't think I have processed that yet.  But again I guess it makes sense because they are still in the fog and act like their abusers still. I'm going to journal more as well, that has helped me greatly in the past, albeit a hard journey to undergo.

And thanks MarlenaEve, I appreciate your words and am sorry you are going through the same thing.  I am excited because I legally changed my name this year, which becomes official finally next week.  I think that will help a lot.  And I have found a sister and brother of choice who I love dearly.  It's a bit odd to talk to "normies" to try and explain, but I don't care anymore and do what's best for me.