Sickened and resolved

[moglow]

Truly, nothing has changed with mother. Earlier this week brother and I were messaging, talking about mother and the evil within her, he commented that not long ago he walked in on mother abusing her little dog. She was pulling his hair, shaking and screaming at him, beating him "just like she did with us." Apparently the dog didn't and wont come when she calls it, has been snapping and snarling at her, and she wonders why. She'd commented on it several times before and didn't know what had gotten into him. Brother said seeing it in action made him physically sick. I can only imagine being on the outside looking in at that, her no doubt using whatever power she had at her disposal just as she did with us. No wonder he's sick, as I've been since.

It took me back to a helpless hopeless place where I lived my childhood. I know she can't lay hands on me or pull me around by my hair again, know she'll never again have that power over me and my life, that I won't have to hide bruises and pretend all is right with the world. Those realities aside, it's been a hard sleepless week. Knowing what I remember and that there are gaps - what the hell happened during those times that I've blocked out??

She's over 80 now, I can't imagine her changing or even seeing the need. I do wonder how many other of her animals she's done this to, how many suddenly died and not due to natural age-related causes. And I wonder how far back that goes with her ...
I can't and won't go around that woman again. There's no possible excuse for who she is, other than conscious choice. She can have it.

[Seven]

I'm so sorry.  This hits home too.  Abusing the innocents whether it be pet or child.  Yell, berate, smack, then reward. uNPDm would treat my dad just like a dog. Nag, nag, nag, reward with a love-bomb, mainly food.  Same with the dog.  Yell yell yell, treats!  And god only knows what she fed her last dog because no one was there to watch it. 

Sis2 treats her dog like that as well, and her BF too...yells and screams at them until she gets them to react the way she wants then love-bomb.

It's just sickening to know that your mother treated you that way.  I am so so sorry Moglow.  Hugs to you and your brother. 

[moglow]

Good point. Mother rewards/rewarded her animals, not so much us kids. She'd act all confused that we avoided her after episodes, complain that we were in our rooms etc. But at the same time we were to be seen and not heard. Odd way to grow up, mixed messages all over the place.

[lightworld]

How terrible this is Moglow. That poor dog and reminding you again of your traumatic childhood - awful I'm so sorry. 

[bloomie]

Moglow - this is just so heartbreaking for you, your dear brother, and of course this poor, innocent animal! What a scene to walk in on and then for you to hear about!

I am so sad thinking of her treating you and your sibling this way and grateful for your resolve to stay of our harms way.

[Hepatica]

Please rescue that dog. Just take it and give it to someone who will care for it. Maybe she's so old, she'll think it just ran away??

[all4peace]

Mo, I'm so sorry for this horrible reminder of how you were treated as a child. It's so hard to see our older parents behaving in ways that bring back childhood with such a painful shock.

[moglow]

I won't lie, it actually surprised me that it affected me so badly. Brought on flashbacks, sleep deprivation, nightmares when I did sleep, I couldn't shut off her voice in my head last week. I knew she's not changed, completely unapologetic and without remorse. I've heard the anger and violence in damned near every phone conversation for years. It's not gone, not by any means. If anything, her isolation may have actually made it worse - she has no outlet.

I'm getting firmer ground back under me with each day and with your help. But it's a battle.

[all4peace]

I hope you're taking very good and tender care of yourself. 

[moglow]

Unfortunately, no. I can't seem to find it in me just yet. I'm edgy and tenderhearted, can't seem to shake it. That she so easily discarded and continues on - even with me knowing how she affects me, it's still painful. Just haunted by all of it.

I haven't and won't go to her house but my brother's on a mission to get that dog out of there. We can do that much

[Boat Babe]

I hope your brother can rescue the dog.

I really hope you can find peace in this storm of feelings. You will eventually but sooner rather than later would be good. Sending love and strength. ❤️

[bloomie]

Moglow - the waves of grief are completely understandable. Be gentle with yourself and perhaps once the dog is rescued it will help bring reassurance and eventually peace.

[ArmadilloKate]

Oh, moglow I'm sorry. This is truly nauseating and I can see why it would be so triggering. 

Knowing we are safe and FEELING safe are such different things.