White knight syndrome?

[LostDreams]

I met this girl last girl last year. We have the same personality type, we would talk for ever and never run out of things to talk about. We started dating in January, it all happened so fast. She was the first person I ever thought was my soul mate and we both felt that way. Thing is when we got together she had only gotten away from her ex husband like 6-7 months prior and he was a abusive in everyway imaginable. I previously was married as well to a undiagnosed BPD women, so that was another level that we bonded over because I've been there and I get it. I helped her alot, but about mid last month she pulled back and needs space; its worth mentioning she has 4 kids, so yeah I can only imagine. She started pulling away about mid last month, less messages, flaked out on all meet up plans. I was patient and understanding until last week when I drew a line and asked her flat out when I was gonna see her again. Long story short we ended things telling each other we love one another but she needs space and feels bad having me in limbo because she just feels mentally so mentally consumed. I remember how I felt through and after my ex wife, I really understand. The last 3-4 times we hung out current stuff for her divorce and her fresh restraining order all stuff I was helping her navigate was all we talked about and I didn't mind and now I feel she made the right choice because I didn't realize at the time but it was affecting me as well. I don't blame her in the slightest and still feel the same way. I was so good to her and her kids. Normally I wouldn't date someone with 4 kids, I know how much it hurts to get attached to someone elses kids and have a relationship end but we were so alike. Heck even her reclusive behavior is something I do from time to time to process stuff. We both have a INTJ personality type.

Now I'm left with some heavy things to reflect. I've realized some things about myself.
I try to save and heal people. I can be preachy about solutions; this may sound bad but I'm rarely wrong and I probably shouldn't say that as often as I do. The line between confidence and arrogance can be so thin. I started pulling back when it was clear she needed space. I give my all to my loved ones; emotionally, physically, finically and I ask nothing in return. The only thing I want is to be loved and with her I held the view of I'm here for you and don't worry about it because someday it will work its way back around but so far this way of thinking ends in me getting hurt and most the time I feel used because of it. I don't feel she was using me but I feel like I can help people but I realize I can't save people from themselves. I feel that there is so little in life worth being upset about; heck I have no hard feelings towards my ex wife for what she did to me; I actually feel bad for her and her mental health struggles. I feel my sweetness is viewed as weakness, but I don't feel it is, I have no problem speaking up in a respectful manner. I spent a year and half after my divorce taking trauma recovery courses and alot of counseling, I even took a course on high conflict management.

Lately I've been having dark thoughts on and off, although I would never actually harm myself. I'm professionally successful and finically well off. But right now I feel a bit lost and I truly don't think we are through with one another even though we aren't talking currently. Normally after a breakup I grieve for a little while and get right back on the dating train, although this time, its different. I'm self reflecting and trying to figure out what's wrong with me and boundaries I need to place with myself to prevent this kind of grief in the future.

Any honest feedback would be great. I'm not horribly fragile or anything so please don't sugar coat with me. I feel the white knight syndrome almost fits me to a T.

[notrightinthehead]

Have you looked into Codependency?  I am not saying that this might be your problem, your sentences "I try to save and heal people. I can be preachy about solutions; this may sound bad but I'm rarely wrong and I probably shouldn't say that as often as I do. " made me think of that. Maybe you could look into that. I used to think that it was not my problem, only to find out that attending CoDA meetings were life changing for me.

[LostDreams]

Have you looked into Codependency?  I am not saying that this might be your problem, your sentences "I try to save and heal people. I can be preachy about solutions; this may sound bad but I'm rarely wrong and I probably shouldn't say that as often as I do. " made me think of that. Maybe you could look into that. I used to think that it was not my problem, only to find out that attending CoDA meetings were life changing for me.

At this point I'm not willing to overlook any aspect of this and I want to prevent feeling like this again. I think there are aspects of codependency that apply to me but the odd thing is that growing up I spent most my time alone learning and I had a huge range of engineering type hobbies and although I felt lonely sometimes I berried it with academics.  I function quite well alone the majority of the time, well aside from stuff like this. I'm going to dig deeper into this though. Thank you for your post, I wasn't really thinking that could apply but maybe it does more than I realize. I love your tag on your post "I can't hate my way into loving myself." I'm adding that to my list of affirmations I read when I'm struggling.

[notrightinthehead]

I think you are doing the right thing by not jumping on the dating wheel straight away.  Maybe you can get to know yourself better and recognize the unhealthy patterns and traits that attract you in order to avoid them in future.

[square]

Hi, I can relate to a lot of this. I don't know if it's related but I grew up an only child, read a ton, like problem solving, can be alone no problem, feel very stable and not very needy.

As a teen I attracted a friend struggling with serious abuse. I could not save her.

As a young adult I helped someone with various obstacles. I solved several problems. I felt good. We got married. It was good for a long time but something happened and it went to hell.

I don't know if I'm codependent either. I don't see anything in my childhood that matches. I would really like things to get better; I'm not enabling addiction or toxic behavior.

I also have too high of an opinion of my problem solving skills. I don't think I have a know-it-all attitude on the outside but on the inside I think I have it figured out. Have been working on this and have gotten much more humble in this regard over the last year. I get external feedback telling me I'm perceptive and know a lot, which added to (or created) my overly high opinion of my problem solving skills.

The fact is, I can't save anybody. And neither can you. It's not even a reflection on us. It's just physics.

We absolutely can play a great part - as lighthouses and not lifeboats. We can offer stability and model healthy, boundaried behavior. We might even be part of the story for someone else - but not the hero or white knight. And if it ever seems like we are that hero, it's bad news. It will fall apart.

There is one place we can indeed "save" someone - and that's by making sure they don't need saving. We can be the model and protector of children - and make sure they won't need us when they are standing solidly on their own two feet as adults.

That's where I am now, and I know there is more for me to learn yet.

[1footouttadefog]

Reading the opening post to this thread the idea of enmeshment comes to mind.

Don't know the OP and have little context, so I am just tossing some thoughts out in case they may be relevant for the OP or another reader.

Perhaps look into this idea. A lot of nons who came up around pds easily fall into this as a relationship style because it was taught as normal by overpowering pds in our lives. In reality expecting one person to be "everything" for you is an overwhelming burdenon them even if they live you.

While you are waiting to see where this relationship goes be active socially.  Having your intellectual, spiritual and social needs met outside of this relationship will make it less likely that you slip back into enmeshment of the relationship resumes.

Perhaps you were having too many meeds met exclusively be each other and it became another problem added to her full plate.

[LostDreams]

You all are amazing. I really think its a codependency issue that I'm struggling with. With this last gf I wasn't enabling toxic behavior how ever I have before in my last long term relationship. I don't fit codependency to a T but its pretty darn close. I'm unhappy with myself and now I know why, because I have things I didn't know that I hadn't worked through yet. When I emerge on the other side of this my world will be so much better.

I've been taking time reading up on CODA and reflecting on my parts in all this. I can't get back on the horse until my core is recentered and I never recentered following my last long term relationship. Next time around will be so much better.

A little off topic but something else I struggle with, I'm very much in my own world when I'm not having codependency withdrawals. I can socialize with others and everything but most the things I've studied from a young age quickly goes over other peoples heads and I can have a hard time connecting because of this. I feel that I haven't done much living outside my own world.

[LostDreams]

There were elements of enmeshment.  I just wish I had recognized all this on my own and all this could have been avoided. On a upside when I do get back on the dating train I'm going to be mindful of these traits even if that means I pull away a little. I would rather pull the ropes back then feel like this again. They really should teach all this stuff in school.

[LostDreams]

Kinda spinning today. I keep hoping she will reach out. I feel alone and helpless today. 😔

[1footouttadefog]

My spouse is not my Intelectual equal.   At first his was never a problem for us as I was welcome to engage with friends with whom I had shared interests.   I took courses and attended lectures and things like that. He was fortunately not threatened by this.  He did sports and went to games etc and I was not threatened by that.

In this regard we had a decent relationship.  The point being that we had needs we met outside of each other and it kept us as separate beings with interests intact.

Later out situation devolved in part because he withdrew from the world and expected me to be his only source of attention supply or expected to piggy back on my outings.  This was awkward as he only wanted to talk about himself and never on the subject of the gathering, and was annoying and immature etc.

I have since identified new places where I can hang out with people with similar interests and knowledge levels on those topics but covid is getting in the way more than a little.

[LostDreams]

I've had that intellect mismatch before. Intelligence deficiency is something I've learned the hard way to avoid. The first girl I dated after my divorce was so dingy. I found it cute at first but then she left me and then tried to re-enter my life. I learned a lot about myself and I think there is a lot for me to learn in this current situation as well.

I'm struggling today to get moving. I have been continuing going to the gym even on hard days like today. I haven't been engaging in unhealthy activities and I'm still staying clear of dating. I'm good looking & decently fit and a nice guy and I'm only getting older. I feel really alone. Yet a part of me believes she will come back around. I've been questioning what's all wrong with me and I don't know what to do next. I have a business with plenty that needs to get done but my heart isn't in it. My Father says she probably found someone else. I miss her and her kids.

[LostDreams]

So my ex gf, not the most recently ex started hitting me up again and asking me to do things for her. In the past I would go above and beyond and try to "save" her but because of my most recent lessons I've learned about my codependent issues, I actually told her no. She's using meth, got a dui lost her job; she did all the same stuff while we were together minus the DUI; people in most cases just repeat history. I must be healing because I didn't do anything to try to fix things. I'm feeling so much better than I was, I swear this was a test from the universe.