When he changes his mind - can I change this pattern?

[square]

Let's say I ask H if he wants to go for a walk, or anything that he might actively WANT to do if he feels like, and not if he doesn't.

Most human beings will say "sure, sounds great" (he will do this), or "nah, I'm too busy/tired/cold/whatever" (he will not do this).

If I fail to read his mind correctly (and believe me, I try) and make the mistake of suggesting a sometimes enjoyable idea when he does not care to do it, he won't simply decline. He'll be flooded with angry emotions.

I'm not even sure what he does, exactly. He gets very tight and has Angry Face. Maybe he'll start barking at me about how I apparently haven't NOTICED he's busy with something he's not remotely doing, or how I could POSSIBLY want to walk in weather he has been happy walking in before. Or maybe it's some other response entirely, I dunno, but the message is certainly clear, that I really shouldn't have asked.

So I say, ok, that's fine, maybe some other time.

Now here's where it gets super tricky for me.

A good amount of the time, he'll CHANGE HIS MIND.

"SIGHHHHHH," he'll say. "I GUESS we can go."

"No, that's ok," I say, in a very nice, light, MC tone.

If he's in just a somewhat crappy mood, he'll just start getting moderately hostile at that. If it's worse, he may blow SKY HIGH at me declining to do the thing he has made it crystal clear he doesn't want to do.

It's a real land mine for me. Even if I just accept and go, I'm rolling the dice that he might be in a horrific mood during the walk (like a complete ruin of the day) or if nothing else, have him use it against me later about how I'm constamtly demanding stuff from him.

I feel it necessary to remind here that on another day, a walk might be something he would really enjoy. Possibly more than I would.

Can anyone think of a different response (or even opening gambit) from me that might change this completely obnoxious pattern?

[square]

Just adding my thoughts here on what MIGHT be going on, but I don't really know.

He MIGHT explode when initially saying no because, maybe, his parents might have dismissed his "no" when he was a child? And he has learned that if he says no he has to blow up about it because a calm no will just be just trampled on? Just a theory, no idea.

But sheesh, I'm not pushy. I've never fancied a walk with someone who doesn't want to be there. If it's a no, that's settled as far as I'm concerned.

Next theory, I don't know if after his initial emotional reaction he maybe feels guilt/obligation? And decides he is being silly and should do it?

Alternately, maybe there's no guilt or obligation but he just decides whatever his objection is, is not that strong after all and maybe he would like to go.

Or maybe he still doesn't want to go but wants me to be the bad guy.

Either way, I find his reaction confounding. I don't like him blowing up on me initially AT ALL but it doesn't baffle me the way him changing his mind AND BEING HOSTILE ABOUT IT does.

Whatever makes him change his mind, he obviously wants me to just say SURE HONEY THAT'S WONDERFUL OH WHAT A WONDERFUL MAN YOU ARE and not have to clean up the mess he made by being a total jerk.

Oh, and I also have to mind read because I have no idea whether he really wants to go or just wants me to be the bad guy.

[bat123]

How about, "honey, I'm about to go for a walk.  Your welcome to join me.  I'm leaving in five minutes."  If he gripes, fine.  If he agrees, fine.  If he joins you, fine.  If he doesn't, fine!  Try making it about you, your walk, and boundaries! 

[square]

Yes, great idea!

Let's assume it's something I have to ask for, though. (In the case of a walk, I'm disabled and can't go alone).

I of course could just never ask again - and I'm not above considering that. I have already trimmed down what I ask for or suggest to almost the barest bones.

In the case of a walk, it's not a trifling detail. I am homebound due to my disability and my H's problems. I don't know if I'm ready to accept never taking a walk again.

[GentleSoul]

I don't have an answer for you but wanted to say how much I hear you and relate to what you share.

My late H was the same.  Exhausting exhausting exhausting.  Sending understanding hugs to you. 

[square]

Thank you And ughhhhh!!!!

[bat123]

Sorry, square, I didn't realize there was a specific situation due to a disability.  I guess that leaves you with fewer options for creativity handling things.   Do you have access to other resources/friends/family who can accompany you on walks?  Unfortunately, you may have to accept his limitations in being able to provide consistent/drama-free support.  And find other resources for getting your needs met.  Sometimes we cut ourselves off from outside support in these relationships, because we don't want to deal with the drama.  But in this case it might be worth seeking additional support if possible?

[square]

Yeah, I guess the solution is to not put myself in that position at all.

Yeah, that's just the reality. Thanks for the feedback.

[1footouttadefog]

I think it's because he is childish and has FOMO.

He is engaged in a task or entertainment that he does not want to break away from and at the same time he does not want to miss out if the walk.  He likely needs to be involved with the external attention or stimulation you might receive from being out and about.  He feels a strong need to plug into that. 

At the same time he likely resents that he is being forced to choose.

I would suggest giving him notice.  I will probably walk later this afternoon.  Unless you don't want company, Lol

[square]

He has zero FOMO. He's PPD, not NPD. His ideal day is spent in his room alone. If the human race was wiped out today he'd be relieved.

He's never doing anything.

The reason he would say no to a walk is because he's not feeling well in some way. Most likely neuroinflamed and feeling too dark in his head to want to leave the house, stewing on some paranoid thought.

The reason he would say yes to a walk is because he would just enjoy the fresh air and to engage in a low key philosophical discussion with me, which he enjoys when he is not dark. Our walks have zero chance to see another human being, we literally walk at midnight in a secluded place (one location is a cemetery lol). He would loathe interacting with anyone.

If he says no and then changes his mind, it's most likely guilt/obligation (to me). He has the very opposite of FOMO - not all PDs are cluster B.

[1footouttadefog]

Busy with Something he's not remotely doing...

I read this as not doing it online, but engaged in something he did not want to leave.  My bad.