Blood from a Stone, Part 2

countrygirl · February 22, 2019, 01:54:26 PM

Hi,

I feel so depressed by this situation that I almost feel like just posting that the subject line says it all!

I am taken in by this friend, because she often seems so sincere, so concerned, so friendly. Then I actually expect her to start behaving like a friend; then I am almost always disappointed.

She treats me like I'm a TV: When she wants entertainment, she enjoys me; otherwise, I am ignored. But, unlike an appliance, I have feelings.

I guess I will take StayWithMe's advice and start freezing her out. I have tried this in the past, but have always relented when she's seemed upset. In other words, I am always suckered in.

Meanwhile, a friend who's hospitalized called me this morning. (I've been calling her too of course.) This woman actually wants contact, though. Or knows how to be a friend, whatever you'd say. I guess what I should say is that she isn't PD.

This is just a painful situation, which isn't going to change unless I change it.

NoVoice357 · February 23, 2019, 05:36:46 AM

Hi countrygirl,

Quote from: countrygirl on February 22, 2019, 01:54:26 PM
I am taken in by this friend, because she often seems so sincere, so concerned, so friendly. Then I actually expect her to start behaving like a friend; then I am almost always disappointed.

As you said, she seems sincere and concerned. She is not. If her actions do not match her words, she is faking those emotions. A sincere friend does not behave 'sooo concerned'. "I was/am really worried about you... But I only want to help... But why you do not want to [...]??"
If she is intrusive, indiscreet, pushy, invasive, intense, nosey, if you feel uncomfortable with her questions, these are red flags. It does not matter if she seems sincere and friendly.

A sincere non PD friend who respects your boundaries will not ask about personal details, unless you decide to share about them with her. She will not ask nosey questions. If she wants to know something about you, she will carefully say "May I ask....?". If you tell her you do not feel like speaking about it, she will not resent it, she will not get angry, she will feel comfortable with it and respect your boundaries. After all, you must have your reasons why you do not want to share or do something. You will not feel you have to explain yourself. A sincere friend will accept your answer without digging deeper "But why??"

If your friends are highly narcissistic (it does not matter if they are full-blown NPDs or not), you may find their toxic behaviour in friendships as a normal way of relating. It is not.
In other words, you will hardly know what a healthy friendship, unless you have (had) one.

Forever on the Fake by HG Tudor.
https://narcsite.com/2018/03/25/forever-on-the-fake-5/

Quote from: countrygirl on February 22, 2019, 01:54:26 PM
I have tried this in the past, but have always relented when she's seemed upset.

Do you mean you are afraid of her anger? If so, where does it come from?

countrygirl · February 23, 2019, 10:56:23 AM

Hi NoVoice357,

Thank you for your advice and for the link to "Forever on the Fake." This site was recommended by another person a few days ago. HG Tudor does a great job of illustrating and explaining narcissistic behavior.

To answer your question in regard to my friend being upset when I start freezing her out, I should have clarified what I meant by "upset." I meant that she becomes worried when I start to withdraw, then because I see her worry as a sign of her caring about the friendship, I stop withdrawing. I do that because I want the friendship to work, even though I know that it doesn't work unless I make too many concessions.

I don't mean to come across as "The Little Match Girl," but I am laid up now, and it's when I could use a little bit of attention that this withholding behavior really stands out. But I am using the time to contemplate my remaining PD friendships. I do have several good friendships and always have, but I also have this tendency to continue trying with people who almost certainly aren't going to change. I would like to stop doing that, because it brings me nothing but pain and it is a waste of my time and energy. Since being on this board, I did manage to end a friendship with someone who was really beyond the pale, but am still friends with a couple of PDs who are less extreme, including the one I wrote about here.

countrygirl · February 23, 2019, 11:04:26 AM

P.S. To NoVoice 357,

I posted a longer reply to you before this one, but am here with a postscript because you were the one who sent the previous link to the HG Tudor site. My apologies for saying that "someone" had sent an earlier link! My only excuse is that I've been inside for so long that I'm not thinking as clearly as I might be! At any rate, I have greatly appreciated both links!