BPD / Narcissistic rage following boundary setting

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

I'm just recovering from a narc/BPD rage from an ex friend following a couple of small boundaries I set with her.

Basically I had slipped very much into the caregiver role (something I am now working hard on to get out of) as she had repeatedly had issues at her work. The latest was a complaint about bullying (against her). I had started to suspect that she was critical and wasn't always the victim she'd claimed to be...
anyway, I've started on (another) round of self growth and had very politely set a couple of boundaries with this person.
The result was incredibly, dizzingly aggressive, name calling, false accusations, smearing, guilt trips etc. I've blocked her from social media, email, phone and I feel like I definitely did the right thing.

I'm just still recovering and reeling from how aggressive this person (who I suspect is BPD) was.

I intend to set boundaries with all friends now to see how they react, goodness it's a litmus test!

[1footouttadefog]

I have read that saying no to something small or making an opinion at the beginning can help.

Like if you meet someone who is exuberant you might not accept the first arrangement they offer each time, so to  lets get lunch tommorow, you might say would love to get lunch but tommorow does not work for me.

Boundaries and saying no and slowing the pace of they are pushy are all good ways to screen for pd.

I find taking my time and not jumping in with both feet like I did in the past works well for me. I get time to watch and see the slipped masks.  Pds seem to want to move fast.

[JollyJazz]

Hi 1footouttadefog,

Thanks for your thoughts!

Yes, I think I'll apply a little boundary early on... I'm patting myself on the back and pleased that I've cut this person out, but would like to start distancing at an earlier stage in future 🙂 hopefully before I get abused in future! 😳

Yes, I like the saying 'no' early and rescheduling are great screening tools - awesome 😎

There is a section on 'stop caregiving the borderline or narcissist' that mentions this.

I like the not moving fast too... I feel like the mask well and truly flew off! I think one red flag was that I felt like she kind of put me on a pedestal in a weird way, then became quite passive aggressive later on... eek!

Anyway, thanks again, it's all good learning!

[nanotech]

Yes I've often fallen for flattery from PDs and done their bidding straight away. Family came to expect it. The PDs are pretty horrible now that I don't it. Well, they try to be. I ignore all of that.

I love the idea about saying no to something small at the beginning. It gives a signal of strength.

Years ago when I was young, I was standing in my first house, explaining something to a workman in great detail.we'd struck up a conversation about something.  I think I was JADING out of sheer habit.
He suddenly said, half to me, half to himself,

" You leave yourself wide open, don't you?'

I didn't understand  what he was saying, yet I felt intrigued.
I wish now that I'd pushed him on it.
I just said 'pardon?'
He then thought better of repeating it and said, 'Oh nothing.'
Years later, and coming Out of the FOG, I understood.
It's the total lack of boundaries. Groomed by the family system, I seemed to apply it to all relationships whether emotional or functional.
Most friendships I've had have been very onesided. Looking back I notice that I fawned over people I liked and let them walk over me
over small issues.
My therapist pointed out that in one case I should have left the friendship when the person calmly gaslighted me over what was a small issue. She said I'd told her something which I hadn't. I knew I hadn't because I didn't have the subject knowledge to have made the comment.( it was to do with the Latin names of plants). She continued to say that yes, I'd said it, and look how wrong I'd been and how right SHE had been.  I felt frustrated, then let it go. I put it down to a memory lapse of hers. If had been another friend's comment. It didn't matter. It seemed such a trivial thing after all.
But of course the next issue was really a big one. She had felt empowered to say it to me because I hadn't any boundaries with her over the small stuff.
Then, when I started to withdraw  from her, all hell broke loose!  I was belittled and frozen out of her group, followed by an intense smear campaign.
What fun.
Thd pedestal thing- yep. I was definitely teacher's pet for a while.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Nanotech,
Thanks very much for sharing your experiences too!! Very interesting 

It's great that you withdrew from your abusive 'friend' too.
I'm glad for these experiences, as I'm continuing to work on catching these 'red flag' behaviours at earlier and earlier stages...
I'm also working on things like accepting help, support instead of being so self reliant and always the 'giver', trying to get used to the calmness and easiness of gentle, relaxed, functional people!
I'll definitely be keeping a wary eye out for the 'little things', thank you for the reminder! Happy new year 🎈