Acting like nothing happened?

Amy-Rose · January 24, 2024, 10:17:55 PM

I'm not saying this friend has a personality disorder, I know people of all kinds do this as well, so I thought I'd ask here as it's a fairly new behaviour to me. But why after an argument so some people act like the argument and what got said NEVER happened?

Brief back
So I called this friend out on lying (some manipulative lies others were the 'why would you even tell that lie when you could tell the truth? kind of lies.) Unfair criticism of myself (calling me unreliable because I wasn't home when she wanted me for something and I had no prior knowledge she was even planning to show up at my door. She was also quite free-loading, took advantage, spread untrue rumours that my best friend took her own life when she died of a heart attack. Yeah, it was a pretty messy argument. A few days later she was acting like it NEVER happened. Just acting normal with me like the whole thing had been erased. Her stance on the whole thing was summed up by her repeating the phrase "I'm sorry you feel that way." Which was confusing as it was a feeling, it was fact she'd lied 100%

Not even a year later another argument very similar reasons again. This time I distanced myself but I saw her yesterday at a friend's birthday outing and it was like nothing happened. She chatted to me as if we'd been fine all this year. I bumped into her again today as we live in the same area and again she stopped me to chat so it wasn't just being civil for this party. After the way I really told her off this time and said she was no longer welcome in my life as I couldn't trust her you'd think she'd hold some grudges against me. No evidence of that at all. It was just like we were great mates who'd lost contact for a year that's all. She was even filling me in on stuff in her life I'd missed but as usually showed no interest in my year.

It's really unsettling. It throws you off.
Anyone care to lend an opinion? My other two friends told me to keep her at arms length as she seems manipulative but I'm not convinced that's what it is.
Thanks for reading and replying.

notrightinthehead · January 25, 2024, 01:52:43 AM

I also know people who just don't want to behave the way I expect them to. This "friend" puzzles you with her pretense that nothing happened. Do you want to take up the friendship with this person again? It seems to me that you are quite comfortable to not have her in your life.

Catothecat · January 25, 2024, 09:42:23 AM

She's behaving this way likely because it either doesn't matter to her what happened (so it shouldn't matter to you, either) or she's aware of her behavior but acts like it's inconsequential in order to get you to go along with her view of herself. Whatever the reason, she cannot have you around as a reminder of what she did or said, so jumps through her own mental hoops to come up with a way to neutralize your part of the equation and thus make you acceptable in her life. Which, to me, is a little strange because it would seem easier for her to avoid you, to not engage any more except with pleasantries, etc. The fact that she wants continued engagement seems to indicate that she wants positive validation from you, that she needs you to co-conspire with her on her self-image of someone who never does or says anything wrong. Or if they do, it's okay because she's the one doing it (but don't you dare do it because she'll be happy to call you out when you do!)

To me, this is the manipulation part of her behavior. She has you trying to figure out what's going on with her, and as long as you can't understand what's going on, she'll just continue. What positives does she bring into your life?

Amy-Rose · January 25, 2024, 01:25:23 PM

No positives. Like you said, she could just avoid me. Why even bother to be pleasant. It's not as if she's apologised or even discussed the past events with me, they've just been forgotten about. She's not even a part of my life anymore. Ex friend is what I should have said.

I'd rather NOT resume this friendship as her behaviour is constantly odd and throws you. i have no idea if it's deliberate or if her behaviour is just erratic. She tends to contradict herself a lot even on small things. She just constantly does things that throw me off and unsettle me and so much better to not have her around.

Just just wondered why some people act like nothing has happened when something did.

moglow · January 25, 2024, 02:01:10 PM

She may assume since you "had it out" it's all been said and forgiven, that's in the past and you can pick up where she left off. In some situations that's perfectly reasonable, when you have something positive to work with overall. When you said she's no longer welcome in your life, she may have assumed that meant she couldn't drop by or call, expect you to take care of things for her. She may be one who thinks just give others time and they'll get over it.

Me? I've never understood the "we have to be friends" mentality after a bad relationship breakup, but maybe that's just me. If it's bad enough, I don't want anything to do with them. They'd get a polite nod at a function same as any other stranger, while I continued on my way. Try to engage me in conversation and I'm going to make a quick escape elsewhere. Not because I'm upset but more that I just have nothing to say. I'd be polite and distant and find other places to be.

Cat of the Canals · January 25, 2024, 02:12:25 PM

My mother is a serial rugsweeper, and I think she does it for two reasons:
1. to gaslight the rest of us into believing "everything is fine." If she pretends it never happened, maybe we will too!
2. to avoid having to take responsibility for her behavior. If she pretends it never happened, she has nothing to apologize for.

Your friend might also be testing the waters with you to see if you're still open to "taking her back" after everything, in spite of (I assume) not having changed.

moglow · January 25, 2024, 02:43:17 PM

#2 is my mother to a T. Nothing is ever her responsibility - either she takes all credit for the good or blames the bad. Responsibility isn't in her personal vocabulary.

Amy-Rose · January 25, 2024, 03:10:03 PM

Yup, this woman is the same. No accountability and everything is everyone else's fault. The two (no accountability and sweeping things under the rug) do seem to go hand in hand with these people. As we know a lot of mutual people it is easier to be on civil terms. I mean we can be civil we don't have to be friends.

So my plan is to keep things civil but not friendly. If she is testing the waters to get back in at some point she'll have to step things up a notch and I'll just gently pull away and let her see no door is open for friendship.

It has been a year so maybe she's thinking why bring up all that muck again, lets just start again. No apology or accountability was ever given, not that she necessarily has to apologise if she's not sorry. There's been no change in her behaviour but then why should she change? I tend not to ask others to change for me, if their ways don't suit me then I leave their life. Simples.

blunk · January 26, 2024, 11:26:59 AM

Amy-Rose, I am so sorry you had to deal with this baffling behavior. I saw something similar with my BPDxh and was never really able to define the behavior.

I could only describe it as...as soon as he stopped being angry, I was expected to stop being hurt. For example, he would rage at me and I would be understandably shaken. He would leave and calm down, only to return like nothing happened. And if I was still upset, or heaven forbid if I tried to bring up what had happened, then I was just throwing the past in his face.

Towards the end, after a particularly nasty incident, I said that I wasn't sure if I could forgive his behavior as he had told me in no uncertain terms that he would/could not promise not to do the same thing again. He responded, it's not that hard, either you forgive me or you don't. And in his book to forgive also meant to forget and never ever bring it up again...even when it happened again.

olivegirl · January 28, 2024, 04:04:36 PM

My Bpd Witch mother def pretends nothing has happened in order to avoid accountability.

If it is brought up, she will either feign confusion ("What is the problem NOW? What is this about?") or play the victim ("Stop attacking me! You are bullying me!)"

It's exhausting.

Some people are just too emotionally immature.

I used to adjust my boundaries because I did not want to lose people.

sunshine702 · February 01, 2024, 10:40:03 AM

I think the nature of it being a chosen friendship adds insult to injury. Either way it is not healthy to continue the friendship. An awkward but true "I am sorry I no longer want to be friends"

I am sorry Yeah that sort of gas lighting that nothing happened is really off putting.

Poison Ivy · February 01, 2024, 12:13:49 PM

Starting last autumn, there have been communications and interactions among my siblings and me, about care for our very old (95) mother, that have resulted in disagreements and bad feelings. Two of my three siblings agree with me that the main cause of the disagreements and bad feelings are comments and behavior by the third sibling. Third sibling seems oblivious to having caused the explosion and has acted hurt about one sibling and I pulling away from third sibling. Now I communicate with and see third sibling only when doing so is unavoidable.

Amy-Rose · February 01, 2024, 05:31:41 PM

So comforting to hear that others have had the same experience.

My friend does seem like someone who also has difficulty controlling her emotions. She gets very angry and "wound up" easily over things I've noticed.

I think her unusual behaviour is worth noting and it's worth keeping her at a distance for those reasons. I can be civil to her at social gatherings without being friends with her and IF she ever tries to start pushing things in that direction I can just shut it straight down. I owe her nothing; if anything she owes me plenty. I've seen zero improvement in her general ways.