The Unintentional Casualties of NC

[BettyGray]

Well, we all made it through another Christmas- congratulations to my dear friends here on Out of the FOG.

I really thought this would finally be the Christmas with absolutely no contact from FOO and I wouldn't have it spoiled in even the smallest way. Don't get me wrong, it was a nice holiday with my FOC.

This was my 5th Christmas NC with all blood relatives. The first was just trying to survive. The 2nd was difficult but not quite as scary. Every year they sent "gifts" or cards. We live far away and they are super cheapskates, so I never really worried about pop-ins. But I couldn't completely escape some reminder of what I "did" to them two days before Christmas in 2015.  Messages were always "love and miss you so much" - but never anything supportive or understanding. And by continuing to not get the message to leave me alone, they just keep at it. 

I found some solace in the past 2 years. I moved homes and closed my public space of business, taking it online. They can't find me. What a relief. And even when Christmas had arrived in the past few years, it was easier to brush off the gifts, etc. as annoying and disrespectful of my wishes. It happened like clockwork and was to be expected. I felt no guilt or sadness about it and was able to just move on.  So this year I finally thought- maybe THIS will be the year it stopped.

Then there is social media. I had blocked Nsis. So I figured I was in the clear. But my nephew- he did nothing wrong and i didn't have the heart to flat-out block him - but he is their last possible "in." He has been respectful and left me alone, quiet over 5 years.

Then, a few days ago, he "likes" 3 posts in a row. And yesterday I got a "Merry Christmas" comment AND a DM request with " I love and miss you so much." I didn't accept the request, because I have had absolutely ZERO contact- I can't break it now, even for him.

My heart skipped a beat when I read his message. I haven't had that physical reaction to any contact in a few years. It jarred me. Dammit! Nephew is in his late 20s, and has been enmeshed in the family cult. His dad is a truly pathetic disciple of my toxic parents' brainwashing. To my brother, our Mom is a "saint." Spare me. So naturally, his son,  my nephew, whom he has turned into his parent through an extremely dysfunctional relationship, would agree that grandmother is a kindly old lady.

He did nothing wrong. But I had to cut him off anyway. They would have used him to have an in with me. They are most likely still doing it, putting him in the middle, which is t fair to him. He was the only one who, last time I visited them, even bothered to give me a proper goodbye or spend time with me and DH. But I also knew whose side he would take, and that I would never be able to get him to understand how toxic his familiar "loving" environment is. A cult is a cult, especially when we have all bought into - as a society- that "nothing is more important than family." That belief and its hold is strong, even when it is incongruous with our tortured reality.

So I still don't have the heart to block him. I don't trust that he isnt being manipulated by them to contact me after all this time. I really do believe he misses me. But he doesn't and never will understand how damaging they were to me, or how their grip has guided and stifled his own life. He was a bright and talented kid. But he got roped into believing what his dad believes. There was no way he was ever going to escape their pull and go seek a healthy life far, far away. I was the only one of my siblings who realized how "not normal and definitely not ok" the family situation was. For me, to stay was to die. And I could never understand why I walked that road  alone, why none of them wanted to get healthy, why none of them ever wanted a better life for themselves. And the virus spread to my nephew, Nparents'  only grandchild. PD siblings are now old and single. Divorced or never married- the way Queen Bee Nmom wants it. Their lives are just pawns in her little game.  Me - 23 years into my marriage and happier than ever.

I grieve over nephew being an unintentional casualty of their swampiness and my need to go NC. And I couldn't escape it this Christmas either. I am angry that they've manipulated him and taken away any chance he had to save himself. I know he could have had a chance at a better life, but the leash is too tight. He got a bum deal and there was never going to be a thing I could do to change it.

Maybe next year I won't have an interruption to my "regularly scheduled holiday festivities." The request DM still sits in my inbox. I don't want to leave it and be reminded whenever I see it. But if I decline, it's still contact. And a rejection of him.

So I am really pissed that it has to be this way, but it does. So sad.

[JustKat]

The request DM still sits in my inbox. I don't want to leave it and be reminded whenever I see it. But if I decline, it's still contact. And a rejection of him.

I totally understand your dilemma. If you decline, it's not only contact, but he might tell your FOO and they can use it in their smear campaign. I know mine would, anyway.

I know how hard it is to leave the request sitting there where you'll be reminded of it, but trying to ignore it right now might be the best approach. Sometimes I get a lot of DMs on the same day and actually miss requests from people I don't have friended. If you leave it there he might think you just didn't see it. Maybe wait a few months, accept it, but don't reply. I agree, though, declining isn't a good idea.

I'd also change the settings on your main feed so he can't see what you're posting. I have a cousin who I'm sure is being used to spy on me. Like you, I also don't have the heart to block him. I don't have him friended so make sure any posts of a personal nature are marked as "friends only." If I share a meme or something, I don't care if he sees it, but photographs and other personal things are kept private. I have my enFather and siblings blocked, but I wouldn't put it past one of them to create a fake ID just to spy on me, so I protect what I can. I hate having to be so paranoid, but as you know, once NC they never get the message and never give up. 

[BettyGray]

Thanks, Kathy. I just swiped left and it deleted it from the inbox. Didn't say anything about decline or accept, so I think it just went in the trash.

I don't put much past my family either. It is amazing how far they will push to take back some semblance of control- even if it is in a sneaky or dishonorable way. To be honest- I really don't know who any of them are as people - not that I did before. Their world is full of so much drama, anything goes. Drama, misery, anger, resentment, pettiness, super negative complainers they are.

I do know they claim to "love and miss me so much." And I feel nothing- that was another time and place, and even when I was on speaking terms, they never really showed much of either. They didn't care too much when I was around. Didn't try and keep in touch with me to the point I believed they missed me so much. Cause I sure didn't miss them. I didn't miss feeling like a fish out of water, trying to fit in but with a bunch of people who don't understand how horrible their choices were that got them to the miserable existence they live. And like they're stuck there, unable to change.

Anyway- rambling here ... thanks for the reply. Always nice when someone reaches out. I always feel comforted after I spend time in the forum.

[JustKat]

Thanks, Kathy. I just swiped left and it deleted it from the inbox. Didn't say anything about decline or accept, so I think it just went in the trash.

That's good to know. I have a few standing DM requests, but my computer only gives me the option of marking it as read. Sounds like the left swipe on the phone deleted it completely, and he probably won't be notified of that.

I do know they claim to "love and miss me so much." And I feel nothing- that was another time and place, and even when I was on speaking terms, they never really showed much of either.

My enFather also claims that he loves and misses me, yet never once told me he loved me in the 50 years prior to going NC. My parents never hugged me, were never proud of me. There was no love there AT ALL. But they have to explain why we're NC, so what else are they going to say? Play the victim, act confused, claim they love and miss us. And the cult falls in line behind them. 

[Brooke]

I'm sorry you were broadsided by this.

Do you know how to restrict your posts so he can't see them? It's what I do when I don't want to flat-out block someone.

[Mintstripes]

My enFather also claims that he loves and misses me, yet never once told me he loved me in the 50 years prior to going NC. My parents never hugged me, were never proud of me. There was no love there AT ALL. But they have to explain why we're NC, so what else are they going to say? Play the victim, act confused, claim they love and miss us. And the cult falls in line behind them. 

Omg they all use the same playbook. I am NC with my FOO. They have no way of contacting me now but when I was still getting messages (that I never replied to throughout 3+ years of NC), it was all about how they miss and love me. They've literally had YEARS to sit and reflect on why we are NC. Nothing changes.
They probably do exactly as you described when people ask about me. They were always about keeping up appearances, so I can only imagine what they've concocted.