Resist the Hoover

[Whatthehey]

I met with my OCPDh today and we talked for hours.  Direct and honest communication like we hadn't had for years.  He wanted to know why I left and he talked about the surprise of when I left.  For a time, I saw a glimmer of the friendship and companionship we had over the past 32 years.  But then I recounted the fear I felt when he punched holes in the wall or towered over me in anger.  And quick to anger as well.  He seemed to want to convince me he was sorry and was not aware of my fear.  He told me that he told our grown children he understood why I left. 

He hinted that we should pump the brakes on the divorce. Look at a separation or dissolution.  He talked a great deal about the expense of the divorce.  Sigh.  I resisted the hoover but I did compromise a little.

I said that we should move forward.  It was something I needed to do.  I told him I needed to recover, build and reinforce my boundaries and find myself again -- that I had totally lost myself in him.  I told him that he needed to accept the OCPD and the depression, et al.  And work on it.  For his own sake not mine.  I told him it would take time and he needed to take the time.

I also told him we didn't need to follow societies norms.  Perhaps after a few years, when our youngest is out of the house, and we spend more time in therapy, we should consider a deeper friendship - trying again.  But only with great work and commitment.  I also said we didn't need to remarry and perhaps that would ease the strain on him with concerns about finances.

I don't know.  I came back to the apartment and all I could think of was what a relief I wasn't with him.  or anyone really.  what a relief that I could lay in bed and binge on Netflix and just think.  While I feel for him, my depth of love is not like it was.  It would take a great rebuilding of trust on both of us to move forward together again.

I suppose I should be proud I resisted.  We did talk about separating furniture and alimony etc.  I don't entirely trust his accounting - and he is an accountant.,  I keep coming back to that phrase - the only to get to the other end of the tunnel is to go through.  One day at a time.

[notrightinthehead]

Sounds like you had a good meeting and stood your ground.