I’m not sure if I’m dealing with an NPD person or not

[AsTimePasses05]

Not sure if my daughters father is NPD or has something else. Though some of the things line up with the behavior.

I'm SO sorry for such a long post. I haven't told anyone about this. I needed to vent and confirmation/help. He doesn't do EVERYTHING a NPD would do so that's why I'm unsure.

Anyways here we go.

When I met him, everything was good. Until we started to live together. We lived together for 7+ years.

And in that time he's said that he loves me. But doesn't know if he wants to be with me. But yet would do everything with me like we were in a relationship...all the while seeing other women. Again all this while we lived together.

I would get upset and bring it to his attention and then he would get mad at me and say things like "I do this, this and this for you and I don't do that for anybody else. Why is that not good enough for you?"

Which in turn would have me say the things I've done for him to and then say that he shouldn't be doing anything with anyone because we're basically in a relationship.

Then when I've had enough and would try to leave he would say hurtful things to me. Call me a hoe, a bad mother, and say things like "you wonder why I would never date you. This is why."

And every time we would have this argument the reasons not to date me would be different each an every time.

"Now is not a good time."

"I'm afraid you'll leave me like everybody else."

"I don't want to ruin what we have now. I feel like things would change between us."

"I'm not looking for anybody."

All these are answers I have gotten each and every time.

But wait it gets worse.

Whenever I would finally decide to leave and stop talking to him, he blows my phone up with all sorts of apologies and saying that he's a bad person.

He would say things like I mean the absolute world to him. And that I'm a good person. That I'm beautiful. Then he'll say that what he did was wrong and that he understands why I left, etc.

And like a dummy I would eat it up and go back to him. And then things would be good for a few months. I'll think "wow he really has changed." But that would only last for so long before he goes right back to how he used to be.

Then we would get into other arguments. I would bring up that I feel like he doesn't care about me and I would list reasons as to why.

And immediately he would get upset and say "if I didn't care about you, I wouldn't be doing x, y and z for you. I wouldn't be here with you right now. Remember when this and this happened to you, who was it that helped you? Everybody acts like I don't do anything for them. Everyone is quick to forget the things I've done for them."

Then he'll go on and on. He won't let me say anything. And it always ends with "go ahead and disappear, it's what you do best. You always do that."

Then if I do, again comes aaalll the apologies and such. And I take him back and then I'm right back in the cycle.

Aside from the arguments I feel like he only cares about himself.

Whenever we DO talk, it's always him calling me (he hardly ever picks up when I call him) and talking about what HE'S going through. Or he's always talking about HIM and how things are affecting HIM.

Even when I interject and try and talk about things in my life he somehow switches it to back to him.

And when I bring that up to him, again he gets upset and then says things like "you hardly ever call me. It's always me calling you."

And to which I respond with "yea cus you never pick up whenever I call you. I can't see you at your house. You always have to come to me."

There's also me always doing things for him. Whenever he needs some cash, I send it to him. Sometimes $80 a week. Why? Cus I feel bad...at the same time if I don't do it at some point we'll get into an argument he'll say that I never give him money when he asks. That it's always a no (because he's done that before. Which is why I started giving money).

Whenever he's asked for anything, I've given it to him. Massages, buying him food, needing a place to stay, a way to get around so I would give him my car and doing extra like buying him gifts, etc.

And then we're talking about stuff and then boom it turns into an argument and he'll say things like "no one does stuff for me at all. No one helps me with anything. That no one cares about me."

Which is a huge slap in the face to me cus I've been doing a lot for him all these years.

Then comes the apologies and him saying that he knows I care about him and that he appreciates me and all that I've done for him, etc etc.

I've been going through this for 12 years now. And I've finally had enough of this type of behavior.

It's messed me up so bad mentally. My self esteem is terrible and I feel guilty if I do leave cus we have a daughter. Not only that I just see so much potential in him and what he could be if he actually applied himself and changed. And I think that's what keeps me around.

At the same time every time I bring up him not taking care of his daughter, again it's an argument.

Yet he'll say how much he loves his daughter. And gets all mushy over her but yet again does nothing for her.

If she wants to call him and speak to him he won't pick up the phone.

It always has to be when HE wants to do it.

And if I stop answering his phone calls, he'll get upset and it'll be a big fight.

Have I been facing narcissistic abuse for all these years and just didn't know it?  Or is this something else entirely?

Also what should I do? If I tell him to seek help, he won't because "he doesn't know how."

[AsTimePasses05]

Also I wanted to say that even if I do block him he ALWAYS some how manages to contact me.

The last time that I blocked him, I blocked him on everything. Social media, and phone and I even changed my phone number.

But that didn't stop him, he started reaching out to my family members like my sister to pass on messages to me. Then she changed her phone number.

But that still didn't stop him, he managed to get a hold of my email address and email me.

At this point I don't know what to do. I feel so used and drained. I'm so unhappy. I want to move on with my life but he always somehow pops up in it.

He's even told me that I can leave and but he will ALWAYS find a way to chase me down, no matter what I do.

[Jack Kent]

Hey!

I don't know anything about your life but what you have been telling here seems classic narcissistic abuse. It's very hard to diagnose and it's even harder when you are in a relationship.
But it sounds typical PUSH & PULL tactics. Narcissistic people have no selfe, so they can't be themselves, they can't relax, they are always pushing you out or pulling you in. They do whetever they can to escape themselves and soembody else is there means to do it. They can't introspect and love is something very alien to them.
"When you call him and he doesn't pick up" is classic. Narcisisstic people are emotionally underdeveloped and it looks like this man is acting just like a child.

I feel for you but I see you are on a right track.  Search "nocontact" on youtube.

All the best for you and stay strong, there is definitely a way out of this!

[1footouttadefog]

Sounds very narcissistic. We cannot diagnose however.

There is a list of 100 TRAITS on this website.  I recommend going through it to give yourself an impartial look at the various types of abuse you are experiencing.  I found it helped me to have words for what I had experienced.  The amount of marks on that list was an eye opener.

[AsTimePasses05]

Hey!

I don't know anything about your life but what you have been telling here seems classic narcissistic abuse. It's very hard to diagnose and it's even harder when you are in a relationship.
But it sounds typical PUSH & PULL tactics. Narcissistic people have no selfe, so they can't be themselves, they can't relax, they are always pushing you out or pulling you in. They do whetever they can to escape themselves and soembody else is there means to do it. They can't introspect and love is something very alien to them.
"When you call him and he doesn't pick up" is classic. Narcisisstic people are emotionally underdeveloped and it looks like this man is acting just like a child.

I feel for you but I see you are on a right track.  Search "nocontact" on youtube.

All the best for you and stay strong, there is definitely a way out of this!

Thank you! I appreciate it. I'll check it out.