Consistent misinterpretation of conversation - is this common?

[Tribe16]

Hello,

It's been awhile since I've posted but I just spent the weekend with my parents and emotions are running high as they tend to do when I spend time with them (I live halfway across the US from them).

I realize that my mom has seriously misinterpreted some things I've said and blown them way out of proportion. I do believe that she really does believe that I said something I didn't - she has been holding a grudge for over 2 years about this one thing and this weekend I realized it has even morphed into more than what she originally was upset about. I think this may be a BPD trait.

What I'm describing first was long before I found this board, so I didn't have any clues about medium chill or gray rocking.

Example 1: We are having one of those angst filled arguments about how I lack empathy, how I should just "Know" when she is upset, etc etc. My comment to her was "Mom, my whole life I've felt like I've had to measure up to your extremely high standards my whole life and I feel like sometimes it's impossible for me to reach your bar. I am not a mind reader."

Example 2: The next day my mom is snapping at me and grouchy (mind you, I'm doing physical outdoor work for her; it's a hot day and I've spent a lot of money to go out there and help) and she is complaining I'm doing something wrong. Then on a dime her mood shifts and she starts talking in this baby voice and saying "Oh your face is so red! You are so tired! You need to lay down and rest! Poor baby!" and at this point I say "Mom, stop it! You're being really annoying right now!"

Those two incidents happened over 2 years ago and have morphed into my mom saying "You have really hurt my feelings. You told me that I've annoyed you your entire life."

I know I didn't say that my mom annoyed me my entire life. First of all, that's not true. Secondly that would have been a really mean thing to say and that's not me. I have since had to tell her, "Mom, I know you think I said that but I know that I didn't." I also have recited my interpretation of the events as I remember them (down to where we were standing when these things were said, first in the kitchen, second in the garage).

This weekend it came up again - only this time Mom said I told her this THREE TIMES. I know I never said it once, but THREE TIMES? I was really strong - I was calm, I didn't get defensive but told her I was sorry that she felt hurt, but that I would be lying and untrue to myself to confess to something I know I didn't do. And that I was OK if she didn't believe me. But that there is nowhere else to go with this. I didn't feel that way then, and that I don't feel that way now. Her comment was, "Well we'll just have to agree to disagree." I told her I was OK with that and that I hope we can put this to rest.

Then on to the next misinterpreted conversation. I'm the oldest - I have a younger sister with whom I wasn't very close with for a long time, but we have grown closer over the past 5 years and as Mom and Dad's executor, I mentioned that maybe Sis and I could be co-executors. My only motivation was fairness and transparency. Call me naive. Mom blows up and says they're getting a fiduciary. Umm... OK. Because it is such a hot button issue I don't argue (Part of me desperately wants to avoid conflict, part of me realizes they're adults who can do whatever they want.) This weekend mom accuses me of not wanting to be an executor. WHOA. I never ever said I didn't want to be their executor. "Yes you did! You said it!" I explain (calmly - I was proud of myself), what my motivation was for wanting to include my sister, but that I never said what she thinks I said. Many accusations and tears later, I am their executor again.

This could have all been avoided if Mom's imagination didn't run away with her. 

[Fiasco]

Sounds 100% on brand for BPD to me. They need drama and they need to be the victim. Don't agonize over if you could have been more clear, if you could have somehow avoided any of this by phrasing things better. It's not you. If my mom doesn't have words to twist she just makes things up. I feel for you, it's maddening to deal with someone who drags you into their drama, especially when they're pretending the drama is yours.

[Cat of the Canals]

Don't agonize over if you could have been more clear, if you could have somehow avoided any of this by phrasing things better. It's not you.

One of the reasons PDmil is on a strict info diet is because anything said goes into one ear and comes out completely reconfigured to suit whatever her agenda is.

Example: For a variety of reasons, we did not attend my BIL's funeral. When MIL was trying to guilt my husband over this, one of the things she brought up was "all of your friends that will be there!" She was referring to people he knew in high school. Twenty years ago. Most of these people he literally hasn't spoken to in 15+ years. He explained that those are not really his friends anymore. Her reinterpretation of this statement was that my husband "has no friends."  Which is what she then told people at the funeral. 

If nothing else, I do think this was when my husband finally understood why JADEing is pointless with PDs. It doesn't matter how rational/blunt/honest/etc. you are. Every word that comes out of your mouth will be twisted and pasted together to form something completely unrecognizable to what you actually said, but they will believe it as the truth.

[monamurre]

Consistently exaggerating or misinterpreting a comment towards the negative sounds very in line with my experience with my mother.

If I said "boo", she would hear, "I hate you".

She had absolutely no tolerance for ANYTHING that resembled a criticism. And I am talking mild stuff. As I was reading your post I was thinking, I can't imagine having that kind of argument or difficult discussion with my mother as she would have crumbled within second, cried and either hung up or locked herself in her room.

We once helped organize the build of a new house on her property so she could age in place (her old house was literally falling apart). During one visit she was on a tear, complaining about one thing and then another, all really minor stuff. After several hours of this and complaints on about a dozen different topics, I calmly turned to her and asked, "is there anything you like about the house?" That was all I said, and as god as my witness I said it kindly, because at that point I wasn't even mad anymore, just bemused at her.

Her face twisted up into tears and she spat out some curse and me and walked away. Didn't talk to me for the rest of the visit. And this was during the height of covid when it was extra hard to arrange a visit. Precious time she wasted being mad at me for asking if she liked anything about her new house. That was a turning point for me. I didn't know much about BPD at that point, but I knew I couldn't reason with her anymore.

[bloomie]

This could have all been avoided if Mom's imagination didn't run away with her.

Yes! But, what would be the fun in that!?! 

I am in awe, Tribe16, of your calm and emotionally detached addressing of the misinterpretation, or possibly rewriting of the narrative, between you and your mom! Such self control and emotional maturity you are showing in the face of these frustrating and confounding behaviors.

The elderly person in my own life who shows covertly N traits is hyper focused and vigilant over anything and everything that could even tangentially pertain to them. So hyper vigilant that even a whiff of perceived criticism will send them into such a place of discomfort they will swiftly adjust the narrative to soothe themselves. And stick with it to infinity and beyond.

For the person in my life, they often do not mean what they say. They say one thing and mean another. They show an accepting, kind face to people that they then go away and decimate with their ugly gossip and speculation. And assume others operate the same way they do. There is an abject lack of sincerity and underlying animosity toward others they cannot actually own. So, that ubiquitous animosity has to be on the part of others toward them... because they are a self proclaimed: "good person who has never intentionally hurt anyone".

So a simple and innocent inquiry about when to drop off this person's gifts because they didn't attend a family function became me accusing them of lying and them telling me I need to go pray about the accusations I made.  Nope. Not a single accusation was made whatsoever so I declined to go pray about it.  But, I do think, in hindsight, this person had most likely lied about the reasons for not attending the function. And ironically, I truly do not care if they did, or if they attended.   

So, behind the misinterpretation and rewriting history with the person in my own case, are character issues and this is part of the fall out for living a very long life in an untrustworthy, inauthentic, covertly hostile manner.

[lkdrymom]

I think they say these things because they want us to plead with them that it is not true and they are the most beloved person ever.  They want their ego massaged. My grandmother was like this.  If she didn't get enough compliments in normal conversation, she'd straight up demand them.  I like the reverse psychology play.   Agree with her..."you said I annoyed you your entire life!"..."yes that is true".  If my grandmother wasn't getting what she wanted she yell "I might as well take poison!"  My response would always be "If that is what you really want".  Took the wind right out of her sails.  How could she argue with me, I was agreeing with her.  Your mom says these things because she needs constant reassurance that she is wonderful.

[Tribe16]

Fiasco: Thanks for your thoughts on this. I realize that Mom has criticized others about creating drama, but she is often front and center in the drama.

Cat of the Canals: Why do I forget to not JADE in the moment? I realize it takes practice. Part of the reason I'm not practiced at it, is that I don't visit as much as I used to. And I get complacent, because "it feels" like our relationship may have stabilized a bit, things are calmer, I can let my guard down and then BOOM, a zinger comes out of nowhere. I realize for the rest of my life I will have to carefully weigh what I can and can't share with her. Heavy on the can't. I'm astonished your MIL told everybody your hubby has no friends - that is crazy. 

Monamurre: I'm sorry you are going through that - living with the day to day of that must be exhausting. My mom is hyper-sensitive to any criticism as well, she goes into the "Well, I'm horrible aren't I?" "Apparently, I failed at motherhood, didn't I?" "It seems you had a terrible childhood now, doesn't it?" - these are not sincere questions, they are filled with spite and resentment. I think they are designed to solicit, "Of course not Mom, that's not what I meant yada yada yada"... you probably know the drill.

Bloomie: Thanks for the kind words. Not to get all biblical, but credit goes where credit is due - I had to pray really hard for the words and the composure to get through this conversation and God delivered. I go back and forth about my mom - she'll never go into therapy and I see both BPD and covert N. Lots of martyr and victim stuff always going on. And TONS of projection. And I don't always see it and second guess myself (Am I really like that?), but through therapy, lots and lots of books and YouTube videos later, I'm much better at identifying projection comments rather than having my soul crushed! My sweet daughter reminds me to take all these comments, "put them in the MOM box, close the lid and put that on a back shelf in your mental closet". The only time we open the box is to dump another hurtful comment in there. I'm getting better at not taking them personally but it is hard as probably we all can attest.

LKDrymom: Yes, my mom is VERY entitled as to kind of demanding respect and honor and don't you dare disagree or dissent because you will pay for it later. Perhaps forever. She doesn't make mistakes, so there's never a need for apology.

[bloomie]

Tribe16 - What a great visual! Putting these things in the 'Mom Box' and closing the lid. That embodies the 3 C's rule - "I didn't cause it, I can't fix it, I can't cure it" Bravo!!! And what a precious daughter to see the struggle you are in and come alongside of you.

One thing about Medium Chill I wanted to mention is it is a powerful and effective tool I use often, and for me it doesn't mean I should never speak up and clarify someone misconstruing what I said or did. I have every right to present the truth of myself and honor my character when someone else is attacking it or tearing me down.  I get to reveal what is in my heart. I also get to take responsibility for what I allow to grow there. No one has the right to speak for me or over me things that are not true and have it go unchallenged at least one time for my mental health.

A very wise person once suggested that I say what I need to say, one time, and then let it go and use MC and other tools to deal with the recurring provocative, unflattering, untrue statements about my interactions.

It is often thought we should choose our battles - and I believe that is important to do - so I will choose to stand strongly for myself when someone is deliberately misstating things I said or did. Because, to get Biblical about it, I refuse to call evil (lying, slandering, attention seeking, etc.,) good and cooperate with it.

Thanks for the kind words. Not to get all biblical, but credit goes where credit is due - I had to pray really hard for the words and the composure to get through this conversation and God delivered.

This is beautiful! God always comes through and will give us what we need for the moment! 🙌

[Cat of the Canals]

Part of the reason I'm not practiced at it, is that I don't visit as much as I used to. And I get complacent, because "it feels" like our relationship may have stabilized a bit, things are calmer, I can let my guard down and then BOOM, a zinger comes out of nowhere.

I am in a similar situation: our reduced contact limits what we have to put up with, which can make it seem like they are on better behavior. But the truth is, the behavior has always come out of left field, just as you described. Things are fine one moment, and then MIL is having a tantrum about not getting to go to the swimming pool (really). It's hard not to JADE when you're taken by surprise like that. Not to mention that many PDs seem to be masters are knowing exactly where they can poke us to get a reaction.

We also JADE all the time in normal life because it's generally not an issue with non-PDs. Understanding/validation/acceptance is a natural desire we all have. So NOT trying to give context to our actions or explaining our choices can be really hard.

[Boat Babe]

Don't agonize over if you could have been more clear, if you could have somehow avoided any of this by phrasing things better. It's not you.

If nothing else, I do think this was when my husband finally understood why JADEing is pointless with PDs. It doesn't matter how rational/blunt/honest/etc. you are. Every word that comes out of your mouth will be twisted and pasted together to form something completely unrecognizable to what you actually said, but they will believe it as the truth.

That's a very good clarification about JADEing and why it's pointless. Excellent.