Sexual Coercion

[TooLiteral]

I haven't seen much of this topic here, so if it's tmi, please feel free to tell me to take it down.

Is anyone else sexually bullied by their PD partner? It's gotten to the point were I have a hard time even getting dressed in the same room as him. He makes me feel like I owe him sex because I'm his wife and it makes me feel.... dirty. And gross.

Some of the things he says make me feel disgusting, but when I call him out on it, he says "Jeez, take a joke." But it's not a joke. I know it's not a joke. I said my throat hurts a couple of days ago and he said "I have something for that."  Really?!

Last night I was talking to him in bed about something I read that had made me nervous, and he interrupted me to say "Why don't you come over here and sex me up to take your mind off of it?" I was speechless. Was he even listening? When I didnt, he scoffed and turned over.

This morning he said he was having trouble with "motivationto get out of bed." I said I would make him a big breakfast and walk through his day with him, help him with his to do list... He said "I was thinking something a little more horizontal." I got up out of bed, got dressed. I felt so gross. He said passive aggressively "Or not." Hasnt talked to me all day. This stuff is constant. He said he's not making the moves anymore. I said sex doesnt work that way.

My body is saying "This is not okay!" But I have PTSD from being hurt before. Is it my PTSD talking?

[notrightinthehead]

My NPDh expected sex just like any other service I had to provide. Food, housekeeping, childcare, and sex.  He would not let me sleep if I tried to say no. Even in the marriage counselling sessions he repeatedly said that he was very simple, he expected food and sex from me.  It was hard to get it over with like another chore after a day of being yelled at and humiliated. Eventually I just could not do it anymore. I was physically incapable of doing it.

I am sorry you have to experience this.  It is so difficult when there is a lack of true intimacy and fondness for the other person.

[Empie2204]

... It was hard to get it over with like another chore after a day of being yelled at and humiliated. Eventually I just could not do it anymore. I was physically incapable of doing it.

I know that! When we were togehter, I tried to explain  to my h how do I feel about sex and what do I expect, but that was an impossible mission. I told him that I cannot be a relaxed loving woman to a man who was bossing and nagging around the whole day. He didn´t get it!
In the head of a PD, sex, love and chores are one and the same and they see nothing wrong with that.
Their "romancing" originated in the stone age.
With me this and many other things resulted with leaving.

[ploughthrough2021]

Let me chime in on this from a man's perspective.  I have a STBXW with uPD.  My libido, like yours, went down due to the constant put downs and demeaning.  So no different being a man or woman dealing with PD.

[ArmadilloKate]

Its not ok. And I'm sorry. And I'm sorry it's not just this but this on top of PTSD. 

He is not caring about you at all. Your needs do not matter. Your mood. Your emotions. Your trauma. No this is not Ok. You deserve better. Better exists. I'm lucky enough to be married to  better. You deserve that.

[SparkStillLit]

I get a lot of this very same stuff. It really is just like a playbook they read from!
Sometimes I feel as though updh cannot interact with me at all except in an expecting-sex sort of way. And I completely and totally shut down, then he gets mad.
I KNOW other people can interact with each other and I KNOW they can have some ordinary sex. Not this awful kind. I'm SURE everybody doesn't demand all this.

[Dollydrops]

My uxh was exactly the same.
Couldn't have a night out unless I told him before we even got ready 'what we we gonna do later' he wanted it verbalised word for word throughout the night, I hated going out with him, I could never relax and enjoy the evening. He would ask me in the middle of doing housework 'can't you put something sexy on and walk round for me' not something you can do readily with four piles of washing and a roast in the oven and two kids playing in the garden.
Would spend the whole act instructing me, and assumed even with two small kids, a job and house to keep that all I had to do was pander to his constant sexual requests and if not the silent treatment and moods would ensue.
I never felt loved by him and after telling him how I felt he thought he could still do it but make it better for me by asking for 'proper passionate kisses', something I could never give him because I knew it wasn't love.

[1footouttadefog]

It is a terrible thing to be deprived of sexual intimacy.

In marriage/manogamy you promise to only have sex with the partner, then so many pds ruin it or deny the other.

It's a betrayal of marriage at its core.  You can do everything else with a workmates, roommate or family member.  You can share rent and split utilities and divide the housework and talk about you day.  Why do we take and keep ourselves from intimacy for years or decades.

One of my biggest regrets is that should have left early in the marriage.  Later we amazingly had two kids despite the almost sexless marriage ND things seemed happy for years but then they declined and have been in a steady downhill since as he has progressed through mental ill ess and decline.

Once the kids came I have considered myself locked until mommy years are over, and would not change things. Love the kids and they are awesome. I have a couple more years to go.  Then I will be mom to adults, and a kid who will never grow up.

I am my spouses legal guardian now and don't consider myself a "wife" anymore.  I am in a hiding pattern in many regards.

[TooLiteral]

It's heartbreaking but comforting to hear that I'm not the only one.

Especially the "dressing up" for him and assuring him of what we're going to "do later" stuff. I can't believe how similar all of this is!!

A week ago I was looking into our cell phone habits because our bill was exceptionally high, so I wanted to look for something off. I found hundreds of texts between him and my best friend. Hundreds. Sometimes all day, every day. I don't even know what to do. Or say. I feel like such a fool.

[Pepin]

Ugh....I definitely feel this.  If it were up to DH, we'd have sex every day and he tries every single morning and when our heads hit the pillow at night.  Well.  I'm not built like that and I am sorry but I'm damn tired most of the time.  I am physically tired but mostly emotionally tired.  I am tired of having to deal with PDmil and her interference in our marriage through DH.  Since DH has an enmeshment issue with her, he has acted out in other ways that make me feel gross about myself.  I am not in love with my body and I am often revolted that he craves it so much even though I feel that he would be fine with a paper bag at this point.  Since I have difficulty connecting with him emotionally since I feel that he is not making me number one, I just can't give him what he wants enough.  If he could back off with his mother, I think things would correct themselves and he would be more attentive to my needs and then I could have sex more with him.  A marriage isn't just about sex.  It is about so many things and he just can't see this.  When we met he was very respectful and protective of me.....until his mother became a widow and the sh*t hit the fan. 

[SparkStillLit]

The dressing up and the doing later....
Ugh.
Everything I do has to some way get converted into sex stuff, too. I made up my eyes? Sex. I'm wearing some article of clothing or other? Sex. I have my hair styled a certain way? Sex.
You get the idea. And if I refuse or don't go along, yikes. "I was JOKING!!!!! My GOD, can't you have a little fun once in a while???" *huffs off*
But if I DO go along, then it isn't a "joke" and I actually have to perform.
Games I can never win, with horrible stakes.

[WhiteWolf]

Yes to everything you and the folks replying have said. You're not wrong or going crazy.

Sex for me is an act not intimacy, especially not looking into each other's eyes. I can't open up after everything he's done. He wants it every night but I don't. But I often do it anyway because then I avoid nasty comments and emotional manipulation.

Getting comparisons to past sexual partners and how they didn't complain or what they did or how they cared for their "regions" is commonplace. And he often says he deserves sex in payment for his doing something or "hard" work when I didn't agree to that in the first place.

I dream about true intimacy a lot.

Hugs to you, I know it's so incredibly difficult.

[ArmadilloKate]

Aw Too Literal....I'm sorry. I'm sorry about all the texts you found between your husband and best friend. I'm not sure how you are managing the hurt and betrayal but...you are worth more and you deserve a life that is not full of abuse and suffering and I hope you can find your way to that kind of life. Rooting for you out here!

[Boat Babe]

It's heartbreaking but comforting to hear that I'm not the only one.

Especially the "dressing up" for him and assuring him of what we're going to "do later" stuff. I can't believe how similar all of this is!!

A week ago I was looking into our cell phone habits because our bill was exceptionally high, so I wanted to look for something off. I found hundreds of texts between him and my best friend. Hundreds. Sometimes all day, every day. I don't even know what to do. Or say. I feel like such a fool.

Too Literal, this is just awful and must be a terrible shock. I really feel for you. What do you think you will do with this knowledge? I hope you can make the best decision for yourself, and any children you may have. We are here for you. ❤️❤️❤️

[SparkStillLit]

What ever you decide. Be safe, most importantly.
I can't imagine what I'd find in his phone.

[Gettintired76]

I too have gone through this, as a matter of fact she has stated that this latest break up is because of lack of intimacy, but the way she would initiate was way off base (walk in the kitchen bare ass naked with our 14 yr old son standing there cooking dinner with me). Also she had not until getting her new boy toy removed our now 10 yr old daughter from "our" bed. Very hard to have any sexual feelings in those two instances. Along with the comparisons, or just plain humiliation of being screamed at that I wasn't doing it to her liking and therefore worthless and she might as well get a toy, even being told she felt like she had been raped (sorry if I trigger). But like somebody said it's hard to be intimate on demand when you have three kids (two special needs), cooking dinner and cleaning what looks roughly like the county dump (literally). I have many times caught sexual messages between her and other men on her phone if she happened to keep it unlocked, have caught her FaceTimeing then while in the bath. Always "oh they are just friends, I'm not dealing with jealousy (whilst she is the most jealous person I know. And lastly the snide or inappropriate remarks followed by "damn you can't take a joke."  I am heartbroken that others have had to go through these same things. Stay strong a be safe.

[Boat Babe]

Such disrespectful behaviour. I am so sorry that you have/are going through this.

[Justanotherlostgirl]

This 100% and it's always the same line with this I find

"I was just joking, can't you take a joke?"

I tried sex once and day, most of the time twice. He had me feeling as if I owed him that because I'm his wife. Also, beforehand when we would get undressed, he would then begin comments on what parts of me were disgusting. Every time.

There is one other thing, and on another forum I frequent, this seems to be a thing the nonPD in a relationship (specifically with a narcissist) experienced. I'm just going to put a trigger warning so anyone who doesn't want to read doesn't have to:

Trigger warning, discussions of sexual assault and r@pe
***************************************













My husband would, many morning when I woke up tell me he raped me in my sleep and laugh about it. When I told him that was disgusting, he said I couldn't take a joke. I have woken up to him doing things to me with the excuse of "well you were moaning so you were enjoying it." Furthermore, he has extremely disturbing sexual fetishes, as in, he likes r@pe play. And not just like a hold you down a bit, like a whole scene which he would create about sneaking in and sneaking up on me (sometimes even when I was unaware) and proceeding to begin his... assault for lack of a better word. This was very triggering for me as I was sexually assaulted as a teen. I did tell him I couldn't do this anymore, and he did stop. But the whole thing was extremely disturbing to me and I am glad that we aren't intimate any longer.

[j_curren]

The sexual coercion took me to my breaking point.  I dreaded when he asked for 'date night'.  That didn't mean a dinner or a movie in our house.  Anytime we were alone in the house, he came looking for me.  As the pressure increased, I found myself drinking alcohol when I knew he would be expecting sex.  If I refused or he didn't achieve his "sex goals', he would rage.  The tension in the house was unbearable.  Then he would go right back to asking, even a few hours later.   

I won't go into why I couldn't leave or how I left, but for anyone on this forum still facing this nightmare, please talk to someone you trust.  I found this the most isolating, debilitating part of the NPD abuse.  I still have only told my sister.  Now that I am finally divorcing him after 20 years, I wish I would have documented every incident in a journal, but I was in crisis mode all the time.

Thank you to all who are brave enough to share their experiences.