Worrying About Sib Being Angry about NC with Parent

_apparentlywicked · March 22, 2020, 03:23:07 AM

Hi guys.

I'm feeling wobbly. Not that I want to see my dad just worrying about my sib getting angry with me for not wanting to see dad. I know KNOW that I have honest clean reasons for not seeing him but he's always used the relationships we have with eachother to twist the knife. On the upside I know I don't want to see him, I feel like that's been severed in a way I've not felt before down to how calm but nasty he was when I last saw him.

I'm anticipating her minimising. 'he's old/confused/vulnerable'. I'm trying to put my feelings into words as cleanly as possible. He hurts me when he's pissed off. That's the bottom line. I don't need to go into the historical abuse. My reasons stand well enough on the reality of what he's like now. If his behaviour was something that had started with him being elderly I'd have reason to tolerate it and the capacity to not take it personally but he's been cruel throughout my life. I would love to be able to think it was confusion. God knows how good I've been at justifying his s##t up to now. I can't forget the look in his eyes. It was the opposite of confusion. And the pleasure he was getting. Urgh.

And what else p####s me off is that all this is his fault and I'm feeling crappy about potentially upsetting sib by seeking to protect myself psychologically.

Inner child feels vulnerable. I'm telling inner child I understand. And I'm here for her to validate all her feelings. That it's right that she protects herself. And I'm with her all the way.

❤️❤️

GettingOOTF · March 22, 2020, 06:20:07 AM

My father weaponized my siblings after I went NC with him. Personally I don't think it's possible to go NC with a PD parent without also having to at the very lease severely restrict contact with any siblings.

I think that each child in every family has a different experience of their parents and this is much more pronounced in PD families. We were never a healthy family and I was the scapegoat. Now he doesn't have me my father is likely pitting my siblings against each other and they both have their own issues they carry with them from our upbringing.

The only person in my FOO that benefits from my NC is me.

I was NC with my siblings for over a year before I went NC with my father. I heard from my siblings as soon as my father realized I wasn't going to reach out or respond to him.

I don't think there is any chance of a relationship with my siblings while my father is still alive.

_apparentlywicked · March 22, 2020, 07:32:31 AM

I don't think there is any chance of a relationship with my siblings while my father is still alive.

I also need to accept this reality about my situation. I have already lost a sib. I've said before seeing his lack of any pain over sib through our life has been awful. And the lack of any pain in the face of their death. It's just opened that gate to truth about what is actually pretending to be a father in there. I've been cheated. I was sold a dud. At least knowing I have never had a father allows me to think about what I would have liked and to be my own dad. He'd be silly and gentle and warm. You'd thrive around him. He'd make you feel safe and valuable and it's dreadfully sad that my dad was the opposite of this. Like not just neutral THE actual opposite to safe, and the opposite of valuable.

❤️❤️

_apparentlywicked · March 22, 2020, 07:38:38 AM

I think that each child in every family has a different experience of their parents and this is much more pronounced in PD families.

Absolutely getting. Sib had a passing interest in buying dad's house and living in it. That showed me that even though now she's been a parent she's had to accept how shockingly bad dad was, but the fact she could imagine living in the house, she obviously doesn't have the same conscious rejection of him, the same fear of him and a knowing that he lurks to punish. Always has always will.

Nominuke · March 22, 2020, 08:29:33 PM

I second (or third) what's already been said.

If a sibling is enabling a PD to abuse you, then it's probably time to consider NC with that sibling as well.

newlife33 · March 23, 2020, 01:50:50 AM

I feel you on this, and I am very sorry that you were going through it. I agree with what everyone else said, especially about them weaponizing siblings against me. At various points in my no contact my former biological father try to use my siblings in various ways to get me to break no contact. It's sad and it's sadistic. Again though, like you said you have good reasons to stay away and you can't let anybody else's feelings get in the way of that. You know how you feel and you are allowed to trust that and have a truth

WinterStar · March 23, 2020, 06:38:38 AM

apparantly,

I last saw NF in 2011. I have one brother. At that time, my brother was not in contact with my dad. My dad wormtongued his way back into my brother's life a little while later.

So my dad gave me a really easy out. He was caught for and pled guilty to possession of child pornography. I went to see him while he was in prison. It was essentially a goodbye (though my father didn't know this), and I felt safer doing that in a prison than I would have after he was released. When NF was released in 2012, he was required to register as a sex offender. He also tried to make plans to visit me and my children. I told him that I needed to know that he was getting help before I could consider any kind of visit, including just me and my husband.

NF blamed everyone and the kitchen sink for what happened. He said he didn't do anything wrong. They made an example of him. It was the investigating officer, arresting officer, prosecutor, judge, his own lawyer's fault. It wasn't as bad as the police said it was (though he failed to elucidate which charges were untrue). He shouldn't have gone to prison. He didn't hurt anyone. All this after he pled guilty and received less than the minimum sentence.

Thankfully, I correctly saw this as bullshirt. My brother, who refused to interact with NF while he was in prison, bought it! He said, "Dad said it wasn't as bad as the police said. What if he's right?" (I mean, my question would be, "What if he's wrong?") Brother started pressuring me to see NF. He allows NF to interact with his children. He once told me, "Dad feels like you're keeping his grandkids away from him."

Yes, I am keeping my children away from a man who possessed child pornography and is a registered sex offender. And my brother doesn't understand. Take that in for a minute. It's insanity. Reasonable people don't even need to hear about the lifelong narcissistic abuse I suffered to "get it." The fact that my brother can't illustrates perfectly how spellbinding narcissists can be. And there's no way for us, the siblings, to break that spell.

My MO has been to change the subject quickly when my brother says anything about NF. What I have needed to do for a long time is tell him the topic of NF is off limits, and I have resolved to do that the next time the topic comes up.

I'm not yet at a place where I want to go NC with my brother, though I don't speak with him over the phone anymore. We see each other a couple times of year, and I respond to his calls via email. That's what I'm comfortable with right now, so that's what I do.

overitall · March 23, 2020, 09:31:39 AM

Apparently,

I gave in and resumed contact with my possible uBPDsis several times, with the understanding that I wanted NC with either parent...she agreed, initially...it was only a matter of time before I started getting pressure to contact parents..."they don't remember what they did" "they are old now and it was a long time ago, so it doesn't matter" "you'll regret it later if you don't see them", etc., etc.
Same sib and I went NC off and on for 10+ years and I finally was adamant that I WOULD NOT entertain any type of discussion whatsoever regarding my parents....I found out later that she was feeding my parents information about my life, my adult kids, my job, everything she knew about me she was sharing with them...I was furious, but mostly furious with myself...I should have know better...the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior...my sister refused to respect my wishes and I no longer felt safe around her...NC with parents almost 10 years and NC with sister almost 3....best decision...the change in my life is profound

WinterStar · March 23, 2020, 12:05:31 PM

Quote from: overitall on March 23, 2020, 09:31:39 AM
I found out later that she was feeding my parents information about my life, my adult kids, my job, everything she knew about me she was sharing with them...I was furious, but mostly furious with myself...I should have know better...the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior...my sister refused to respect my wishes and I no longer felt safe around her...

overitall,

This is an incredibly important point. In my experience, the sibling always shares at least some info with the NC parent(s). I know my brother is. I have not asked him not to because I think he would anyway. I share almost nothing with my brother for this reason.

overitall · March 23, 2020, 03:05:36 PM

WinterStar,

I get it....but when you have a relationship wherein you do not feel safe enough to reveal any personal information, what kind of relationship is it? For me, I recognized that other than being my blood relative, my sister and I have nothing in common. The last few times we got together before NC were awkward because there was really nothing to talk about...I refused to talk about anything personal, so how many times can you discuss the weather?

WinterStar · March 23, 2020, 05:20:23 PM

overitall,

You asked your sister to do something, and she violated your trust. Huge problem. She has her own PD, which is another issue. I'm sure that you have made the best decision for you in your situation. That's awesome. I'm glad it has brought you peace.

Unfortunately, many siblings still in contact with a PD parent will share info with that parent. I'm not saying you should have predicted that your sister would betray your trust. But I'm glad you brought it up because I think it's a major factor for people deciding whether or not to go NC with a sibling in addition to parent(s). First, someone has to consider how important it is to them to keep info away from PD parent. Second, they have to decide what to share with the sibling knowing that it may get back to the parent. Third, they have to decide if a guarded relationship with the sibling is even worth the trouble.

In my case, I'm not ready to go NC with my brother yet. That may change someday, but weighing pros and cons in our specific situation, I've decided it's worth it for me right now.

overitall · March 23, 2020, 07:16:26 PM

I honestly hope that you can keep your relationship with your brother...it would be the best result ever....wishing you only the best and hope you are able to navigate through with as little difficulty as possible...family is wonderful and it would be nice to keep that relationship with your brother

_apparentlywicked · March 24, 2020, 12:01:57 PM

Thanks everyone. If I had to I think I could go no contact with sib but generally she's got better with age and we get on well. She has previously minimised dads abuse as she was GC but think since she's had her own child she's had many moments where she's wondered what dad was thinking when she's in a similar situation with her own and seeing how dad had no empathy to the point of us never having a PE kit, proper supervision, health care and all that.