uNPD/HPD Mom Likely Dying and I broke NC

[completelyperdue]

A quick backstory on this one before I get to other details.

I went NC over 2.5 years ago due to the fact that my uNPD/HPD mom started dating this ex-con supposedly a year after my e-dad passed away. (I have my suspicions of when that exactly started, but that is besides the point.)

She tried to introduce me to him, but something in my gut felt insanely off about this guy.

I ended up hiring two private investigators to figure out who he really is because my uNPD/HPD mom would not come clean about it and the lies were just constant about who he really was.

When I got this information together from the investigators, there was a mistake made as to the identity of the guy. However, when confronted with the information, the ex-con boyfriend decided to pass along a threat to me via my uNPD/HPD mom that he was going to sue me and get the police on me.

After that point, I decided if my uNPD/HPD mom is cool with him threatening me, legally or whatever, then I was going NC out of safety.

Since that point, I did determine the correct identity and dude has an insanely long rap sheet with things like assault, DUI, resisting arrest, dealing with stolen property, etc. He has also threatened other people in the neighborhood with assault, which definitely wanted me to keep NC.

Fast forward to today, and my uNPD/HPD mom is now in the hospital with potential stage IV cancer whenever the doctors finish their tests. The prognosis at this point and time does not look good.
My non-PD sister (out of state), who I do get along with and also sees my uNPD/HPD mom for who she is, is MPOA and supposedly according to the ex-con boyfriend that all of the affairs in order.

I decided since the prognosis is not looking good to at least see my uNPD/HPD mom. Just had this feeling that I needed to go.
 
Before I went, I did talk to myself and my inner child that if the ex-con boyfriend was there that we were bailing. If my uNPD/HPD mom said or did anything hurtful or abusive that we were also bailing. Also if it just did not feel right to go into the hospital that we can always back out.

I get to the ICU and my uNPD/HPD mom was awake and watching TV. Although she really wasn't 100% cognizant because she talked about how this whole situation was going to save her life. It seemed like she understood that she has cancer, but I don't think it is sinking in that it is serious. She had high levels of the mineral found in milk (being vague to make this less likely to be googled), and that has messed with her cognition somewhat.

I was wearing a mask because you never know what's in a hospital, and she asked for me to take off my mask. When she saw it was me, she got really happy. She was like," You're my child! It's so good to see you." I tried to maintain grey rock as much as I could during my time with her since she was going to get a biopsy done. She seemed to get teary eyed a little, and then she said," You were never really the emotional one," when I was maintaing my stoicism. I basically told her that I was the one who had to hold shit together, which was the case growing up since she basically parentified me and I had to keep things together for the sake of my non-PD sister.

She did try to stand up for the ex-con boyfriend, and I told her that he's not a good person and he had threatened me and others in the neighborhood. She tried to justify that too by saying that the ex-con had a "rough" life. Wanted to say that I had a rough life too courtesy of you and my eDad and I don't threaten people with physical violence or get into DUIs or steal things, but I wasn't going there. I almost left at that point until she miraculously changed the subject.

Towards the end of the visit, she really wanted me to stay and spend time with her, but I told her that I had to get back home and that she was going to be having a test soon. The test involved mild anethesia, so she wouldn't really be in a condition to talk after that.

For me, this vist has been really, really hard because on the way there, my inner child was freaked da heck out on facing her. Then I see her, and I see this frail, fragile woman and not the terror that I knew throughout the years of my childhood.

I have been struggling with self gaslighting where I'm thinking things weren't that bad. I have retaken the ACEs test, and my score was 4 which is just enough to have issues like lung disease, depression, and potential suicide.

I've gone through my memory rolodex, and I can come up with tons of things that people would go about what she had done to my non-PD sister and myself over the years.

My therapist, who I have an appointment with tonight, I know could give me a novel of notes about a lot of the horrible things that she has done to me which in some circumstances has even made him cringe.

I don't know if it is my inner child holding out hope that "good mommy" is back even though she is more than likely dying at this point, and maybe my uNPD/HPD mom is trying to get into people's good graces before she passes.

Just wanted to see if anyone out there has had similar experiences where a PD parent is dying and struggling with gaslighting oneself to think things were not as bad as they were.

[moglow]

Hey completelyperdue! It may help to paste in the back of your mind that few of us are all/nothing, good/bad, either/or, black/white. We do and will have any range of moods, emotions, or reactions given circumstances at any given point in time. For me personally, throw in lack of rest, hunger, heat, noise, rudeness or crowds, and I'm apt to be triggered harder than at other times.

While most of us stay pretty much within a range of understandable and acceptable even when circumstances test us, we know others simply go to hard extremes with a flip of a hidden switch. Mommie dearest [md] is one of those. Years ago I said I had the good fairy who made appearances, but for the most part we had the evil troll who lived under the bridge. The troll was pretty much always there (basically simmering) but you never knew when she would appear full force. The good fairy flitted in and you tried to keep her around, but alas. She'd flit right back out just when you relaxed a smidge.

I had/have the queen/witch mother of Understanding the Borderline Mother (Christine Lawson) definitions; as she's aged and lost control over us, md leans more into hermit/waif. But I know now, she can and will go the other direction in the blink of an eye, leaving you gasping for air and wondering what the hell happened.

I share all this to say that I don't underestimate her, not anymore. I've watched it long enough to know md can only be the good fairy for so long. That's a pretense and means to an end for her, not who she is at her core. The troll thinks only of herself, her wants and whims and what she can get out of others. She's selfish and demanding, punishing and demeaning. She takes and pokes and stabs and inflicts harm, and laughs while she does it, laughs harder when she gets a reaction. Openly.

She can play nice and appears charming on the surface. And she'll rip you to shreds the instant your back is turned, and does it to any and everyone around. So ... when I get a glimmer or three of the good fairy I enjoy what I can. I accept her while she's in residence. I understand that's temporary, just as the troll can be.

Acceptance is hard won, cp. My trust -if I ever had any- is damaged and I know it. But the underlying lesson for me is accepting what I have in this moment, welcoming or if need be removing myself from it.

Fridays ramble, do with it what you will. Always here with you.

[moglow]

I didn't actually answer your question!! I'm not clear on md's current medical situation but I do know she has a procedure coming up that she may or may not survive. I think I see it as more serious than she does, and also know that changes nothing for me where she's concerned. I don't wish her ill, I just know our relationship is very superficial at this point. And I'm not  "officially" NC, but rather vlc and have been for quite a while. 

I've never really doubted who she is but time and distance have cleared that up for me a good bit. She's limited and I know it. She can and will change to suit her audience or wants of the moment. She IS that bad and fully capable of trying anything. I'm just not as good a target as I used to be. 

Honestly I'm impressed with the boundaries you've put in place, knowing what you can and can't do even at this point in her life. Being ready and able to walk if the bf shows up. Remember that ultimately you're the one you have to live with and I think you know what's needed.

[completelyperdue]

Hey @moglow!

Thanks for your response.

I had my therapy session tonight, and my therapist was able to help me to put things into perspective as far as my inner child wanting to shove all of the bad stuff aside because there was a glimpse into "good mommy" again. My therapist said the same thing that you did as far as me maintaining my boundaries in this whole situation, and I thank you for that. I knew it was the right thing to do before going to see her was setting conditions with myself to make sure that I was going to be in a safe spot with an escape plan and not triggered.

I get what you mean with the good fairy/troll dynamic that you have experience with your BPD md.

I know my uNPD/HPD mom has shown herself over the years to be a very vitriolic and spiteful person when things do not go her way or match with her version of reality. She also goes to great lengths of denial, pathological lying, and gaslighting to maintain these facades. There never has been any apologies from her regarding this behavior and I doubt I will get that before she passes, and I am accepting of that. I've done the work in therapy to know what I can and cannot realistically expect from her.

I did do some research on the topic of when a narcissist dies, and there was one YouTube video that pointed to a TikTok that talked about people, especially narcissists, dying how they lived. At this point, I think my mom is going to surround herself with the blanket of her lies and just die in complete denial of it all. 

She was a very neglectful and emotionally abusive parent with my eDad basically becoming a workaholic to cater to her constant spending whims and to avoid being around her and the children he never wanted. If you ever asked her what kind of parent she was, she would profess to be a winner of the golden uterus award for being a mom who stayed at home and didn't work so her kids were not "latch key" kids. (This article is a very accurate description of my uNPD/HPD mom sans the duck face: article link ) I look at it that she was there physically, but never emotionally or other things that required work on her behalf i.e. cooking, properly maintaining a home instead of hoarding it, recognizing that her child had speech and physical disabilities that required treatment from specialists, etc.

I just happened to catch my uNPD/HPD mom when she was good although not very cognizant, and I am thinking of just leaving things like that so I don't have to deal with bad mommy whenever she rears her head.   That probably will come once the diagnosis of stage IV cancer does arrive and the denial that she is actually going to die kicks in.

Thank you again for your support. I'll probably be here a bit more often than I have been as the situation with my uNPD/HPD mom progresses.

[moglow]

The golden uterus award.  I'd not thought of it that way before! Mine seems fairly aware that there are/were failures, but you know they weren't hers. Someone somewhere is always to blame, she was apparently just along for the ride. 

I know my uNPD/HPD mom has shown herself over the years to be a very vitriolic and spiteful person when things do not go her way or match with her version of reality. She also goes to great lengths of denial, pathological lying, and gaslighting to maintain these facades. There never has been any apologies from her regarding this behavior and I doubt I will get that before she passes, and I am accepting of that.

Same! Some days I think if One.More.Person. asks or even implies, "but you need to *this* and try one last time! I'd hate to think she passed and you didn't ..." I call bullshit. People truly don't get that sometimes it can go too far, that there's no true turning back or starting over. 

I'm sorry you understand all this. No one should. Just keep putting that oxygen mask on yourself first. We'll be here!

[Cat of the Canals]

My PDmom isn't dying, but the FOG sometimes wants to descend nonetheless. I now have a short list of items from the mental rolodex that I use as a way to remind myself, "Don't fool yourself, she IS that bad." Like the time she hissed at me to "GET UP!" when I fainted at the doctor's office when I was about 7 years old. And other batshit crazy stuff no "good enough" parent would ever dream of doing. That usually snaps me right out of it.

[xredshoesx]

i think you showed kindness and compassion to BOTH you and your mother by making this decision.  i like what madame mo said- there are no decisions that are 100% right or wrong-   what you decided to do was 100% right for you in the space in which you made the decision.  thinking of you today and hope you are being gentle with yourself.

[completelyperdue]

The golden uterus award. I'd not thought of it that way before! Mine seems fairly aware that there are/were failures, but you know they weren't hers. Someone somewhere is always to blame, she was apparently just along for the ride. 

@Moglow Yeah, I read about this term years ago from a men's psychological health article, and it totally resonated with what I grew up with that I've pretty much kept it. My sister and I have pretty much described my uNPD/HPD mom's parenting style as a combination of Peggy Bundy (a lot of Peggy's actions happened to me in real life)    and Hyacynith Bucket article (if you're familiar with the show Keeping Up Appearances).

Needless to say, my uNPD/HPD mom could be a textbook example How Not To Parent 101 and How Not To Maintain Relations With Your Adult Children. 

Same! Some days I think if One.More.Person. asks or even implies, "but you need to *this* and try one last time! I'd hate to think she passed and you didn't ..." I call bullshit. People truly don't get that sometimes it can go too far, that there's no true turning back or starting over.
I'm sorry you understand all this. No one should. Just keep putting that oxygen mask on yourself first. We'll be here!

Oh, I know this is going to come at some point from my FOO as it was with my aunt, to which I can reply that I did my duty and saw her, and for my mental health at this time that is the best I can do. If they don't like it, then they can  p   off. She's their relative anyways and they could make just the same amount of effort.

It's unfortunate that we do understand all of this, but it's great to have a place like this to vent.

My PDmom isn't dying, but the FOG sometimes wants to descend nonetheless. I now have a short list of items from the mental rolodex that I use as a way to remind myself, "Don't fool yourself, she IS that bad." Like the time she hissed at me to "GET UP!" when I fainted at the doctor's office when I was about 7 years old. And other batshit crazy stuff no "good enough" parent would ever dream of doing. That usually snaps me right out of it.

@Cat of the Canals

Yeah, I am thinking of just getting a $.99 little notepad as just writing things down as they come of the things that remind me of just how bad my uNPD/HPD was and will be until she leaves this incarnation.

I have a similar story to your from when you were 7 unfortunately.

My story from around that age was I was born with too many teeth in my head and my dentist said that I needed to have four of my teeth pulled at the same time in order to prevent crowding.

I had the procedure done, and I was still pretty numbed up from the procedure with gauze stuffed in my face to where I looked like a chipmunk.

Instead of taking me home to rest and recuperate from what I just went through, my uNPD/HPD mom insisted that we had to go to a craft store for the supplies that she just had to get right then because no other time could wait.

Needless to say, my gauze got filled up with blood and I ended up drooling blood on myself throughout the store. She did not stop at any point to change out the gauze once I started drooling. She was way more concerned with getting what she needed.    

There are other tales, but I think I'll save those for the $.99 notebook.

i think you showed kindness and compassion to BOTH you and your mother by making this decision.  i like what madame mo said- there are no decisions that are 100% right or wrong-   what you decided to do was 100% right for you in the space in which you made the decision.  thinking of you today and hope you are being gentle with yourself.

Thank you @xredshoesx
It definitely it was hard to do, but I think in the end at least I can say that I made an effort and hopefully it might be an olive branch in this situation.

However, do I think she'll remember my visit once she becomes more cognizant? I doubt it since she did not realize she was in the hospital, the proper name of the hospital, that the year was in a different century although she got the last two digits correct, and she said my name was my non-PDs sister's name before my name. It wouldn't surprise me that once she comes to more that she'll probably smear campaign me for not showing up despite the fact I still have the visitor sticker from the ICU.

It is for this that I am pretty much just going to stay away for now unless she absolutely requests to see me, which I doubt will happen and I'll just roll back to being NC or vvvvvvvvlc. 

[Tribe16]

uNPD/HPD mom's parenting style as a combination of Peggy Bundy (a lot of Peggy's actions happened to me in real life)    and Hyacynith Bucket article (if you're familiar with the show Keeping Up Appearances).

Oh my word! What a combo!    I'm sorry you're going through this and losing the hope of a normal mom. Glad scary boyfriend wasn't there for your sake.

[completelyperdue]

uNPD/HPD mom's parenting style as a combination of Peggy Bundy (a lot of Peggy's actions happened to me in real life)    and Hyacynith Bucket article (if you're familiar with the show Keeping Up Appearances).

Oh my word! What a combo!    I'm sorry you're going through this and losing the hope of a normal mom. Glad scary boyfriend wasn't there for your sake.

Yeah, it has been quite the combo to deal with for sure.
The first quote from that article really hit home to me since it is pretty much how I grew up:

Another great meal, Peg.  Y'know, honey, you're incredible.  You ignore the children, you neglect the house, and still you find time to let the dinner get cold before you serve it.  How do you do it?

Well, Al, I guess I care enough about me not to care about you. -Al and Peg Bundy

During my time of NC, I've pretty much mourned the mother that I should have since the mom that I did end up with just ended up being a flaming pile of garbage. It was tough since I got good mommy that day that my inner child had that hope that maybe my uNPD/HPD mom finally came to her senses and was going to be that mom I needed finally. I know now that this is more than likely never, never going to happen.

At least the boyfriend wasn't there at that time for sure.