Guilt of not realizing that my sister was a narcissist and not saving her childr

[Ariel]

So my 35 year old nephew finally realized his mom was a narc. I realized this a few years back. I knew my mother mistreated and abused me. I would tell my sister not to verbally abuse her children,tried to counsel her. Me and my family moved 300 miles away and weren't around a lot.
My nephew asked why no one did anything. I feel awful. I didn't know about these personality disorders. I only saw her yelling at them and didn't think that would be a reason that the courts would take away her kids.
I think probably the worse was stuff I didn't see.
However he continued tolive with her until was 27 to save money. He was more if the favored child . His sister was the SG who left at 18.
So I feel tremendous guilt. I have said I was sorry

[Ariel]

I want to add she was ok at first got bad as the years progressed

[JustKat]

My nephew asked why no one did anything. I feel awful. I didn't know about these personality disorders. I only saw her yelling at them and didn't think that would be a reason that the courts would take away her kids.
I think probably the worse was stuff I didn't see.

Hi Ariel,

This isn't your fault. Many of us who are older didn't know about NPD until later in life. Heck, it didn't even make the DSM until 1980, so it wasn't a recognized disorder when your nephew was born. My narc abuse was at its worst when I was a teen in the late 70s, but there was no help for me because no one knew what NPD was, and no court would take a child away based on accusations of verbal abuse that couldn't be proven.

If he's asking you why you didn't intervene, I'd tell him exactly what you wrote here, that you just didn't know enough about PDs to see there was a problem. Narcs are very good at keeping their abuse a secret, so you're probably right in saying that you didn't see the worst of it. Again, that's not your fault.

I often wonder why some of my aunts clearly suspected something was wrong but didn't help me, but when I look at things realistically, I'm not sure what they could have done back in the 1970s. I'm not sure there's much you could have done either. You did try to talk to your sister which was a pretty huge step considering how hard (or impossible) it is to reason with a narc.

It sounds to me like you did everything you possibly could have done, and you've apologized to your nephew. I'm sure he understands. Please try not to feel guilty over this. You tried to counsel your sister which is more than most people would have done. You did the best you could.

[Ariel]

Thanks Just Cathy, yeah I told him that plus there was no or little internet and no knowledge. I've always felt guilty about leaving but we left because my husband got transferred. I have been trying to educate him about this disorder. He finally saw it. I've tried to be there.it was also hard because I didn't know who to trust.

[PeanutButter]

I dont think you ever had that much power over the outcome for your sisters children even before you moved away. It may have felt like you did when you were " would tell my sister not to verbally abuse her children, tried to counsel her" but this probably had little to no effect on whether she abused them.IMO Contol of anything other than ourselves is an illusion.