I didn’t know auto accommodating was a thing

[Spirit in the sky]

Every time I think I am making progress with my dysfunctional parents I new level of damage seems to open up, like an onion and I'm peeling away the layers only to find more trauma. By chance yesterday I read an article about The Mother Wound and there it was in black and white the pattern of my life.

I also found some YouTube videos by Terri Cole and one especially stood out, How to stop auto Accommodating. She was able to put into word how I constantly scan to check if everything and everyone is ok and then twist myself into knots to make sure everyone is happy. My parents are NEVER happy so I'm in a constant state of anxiety.

Truth is I have known about this for 20 years, when I got divorced and my mother refused to support me ( she was in a dysfunctional marriage and couldn't escape so why should I ) so I had counselling. All my issues related back to my over dominating, controlling, judgment mother who couldn't love me unconditionally. I was very naive at the time and foolishly told me mother how I felt, BIG MISTAKE she had a complete meltdown. I was ungrateful after all she's done for me and all she ever did was love and protect me etc etc.

The outcome was I was so afraid of her wrath and rejection I got back in my box and become the good little girl again. Here I am 20 years later, somedays I take a step outside the box and leave my comfort zone, the fear unusually kicks in pretty fast and I jump right back in. I'm 47 years old and I'm terrified of my mother, on the surface she appears to be a sweet little old 86 year old. But upset her and she spiteful and angry, controlling and manipulative when she does get her own way and sulks and rejects as punishment.

I've witnessed my parents dysfunctional marriage all my life, my mother expected me to side with her in all arguments and rejected or shamed me if I showed any support for my father. As an alcoholic he had his own issues and they continue to be a toxic partnership. I'm expected to referee, be my mothers medical adviser, therapist, best friend, support worker and loyal obedient daughter.

Things are even crazier now my father has terminal lung cancer. He's moody and moaning, blaming everyone for his situation. My mother is in denial and pretends it's not happening because she won't accept there is something she can't control. They are verbally abusive to each other, hurling insults one minute and then not speaking to each other days. I find myself in the middle of it all yet again, he moans to her, she moans to me about him. I'm constantly trying to please everyone accept myself.

I keep telling myself I can rescue either of them. I can't make my mother happy, I have spent my life trying and no matter what I do it's never enough. I totally understand she had Mother Wounding issues, she constantly tells me how her mother ruined her life. But she can't see she is ruining mine, instead she tells me I am so lucky I am not effected by all the drama. If I try and tell her I am affected  she starts crying and says I've upset her and she's a bad mother and she hates herself etc. Its not worth the nuclear fallout.

So here I am, I know I have to save myself. The best plan would be to move away from from parents, they live very close. But as an only child I feel I have responsibilities and running away from a dying man seems unbelievably cruel. So how I do I find a balance, how I do I go to my parents to the practical stuff and not get caught up in the craziness. I'm so enmeshed in their lives I don't know how to live my own life.

I'm constantly auto accommodating, scanning to see if I can ease the tension, or if they need anything. I find it hard to settle at home because I'm worrying what's going on with them, I'm trying to re-train my brain to not automatically phone to check every things ok, it's never ok and I always feel drained afterwards.

Thanks to Terri Cole, I have realised I have attracted people into my life who treat me the way my mother does. I'm always people-pleasing at work, with my in-laws ( NMIL) and evening friends. My constant thought with everyone is 'what do you need' 'what do you need from me' and I never stop to ask myself what I need. My conditioning makes me believe I don't matter.

How do I start to turn my life around ?

[notrightinthehead]

How do I start to turn my life around ?

Oh Spirit! I have just  re-read 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist' by Fjelstad and what jumped out on me (again) was the invitation to stop thinking and start doing. You know it all. You can see what you do clearly. You see what effect all your efforts have and what effect they have on you. I know that it is scary like hell to stop caretaking others and to start looking out for yourself. And only you can do it.  Get help. Start implementing boundaries. Every time you notice that you go into default caretaker mode,  stop. Look at yourself. Ask yourself what do I want, need now?
And let us know how you are progressing on this journey.

[lkdrymom]

Would you tolerate this behavior from someone you have as a friend?  If not, this is no different.  Just because someone is a blood relative does not mean you are tied to them for life.  Build a life that does not involve them.

[GettingOOTF]

Truth is I have known about this for 20 years, when I got divorced and my mother refused to support me ( she was in a dysfunctional marriage and couldn't escape so why should I )

Wow! This really hit me. My father never supported me when I left my abusive marriage. In fact he actively supported my ex. He's never supported my sisters in their marriages which are also abusive, including infidelity.

I have come to see he abused my mother and now I have some understanding of why he never supports us. It would be admitting what he did was wrong.

I feel the same way about the whole reaching a new level of damage with my family. It's been years and stuff is still coming up.

[Spring Butterfly]

Spirit, you're doing great! Yes it's much like an onion and for a long time I tried to get to the final layers. You know what? The truth is continuous improvement in life should be ongoing and never ending. Those of us here have different layers than other humans and maybe a few extra layers or maybe we're working through things later in life and feel we missed out. Whatever it is take heart - you can do this! No one could've been more entangled than me when I first landed here. Every. Single. Day. Shopping, errands, lunch followed by an evening of texts, emails and phone calls. Seriously. So sad. That scanning you mention, oh so familiar. So much of what you wrote, yes absolutely my life years ago.

Now, I don't care. Sometimes I feel sad but I acknowledge the loss and the sadness passes. It's an individual journey but keep at it and you'll get there. Do what works for you. For me I had to individuate, learn boundaries, become my own adult, create my own separate life, release them in peace to their own medical neglect, respect they're adults making their own choices even if I don't like their choices it's their human right just like it's my right to have my own life. Claim it. Own it. It's yours.

Truth be told no human is capable of making another human happy. That's a life truth, a universal principle. That might be from the toolbox somewhere I think and it helped me years ago. Recently it sank in on another level and that's a good thing - to keep growing.

By the way you can do it even if you don't move, I didn't move and they live just 10 minutes away. I did change up my routine and where I shop to reduce the chance encounters. FOG has nothing to do with distance - I lived far at one point but the FOG reached because I was still controlled emotionally and mentally. FOG has nothing to do with physical distance and everything to do with our own growth and what we choose to allow and how we choose to think.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thanks not right,

I've started journaling in the morning and making lists of things I can do to support my self care. I almost have an OCD thing going on with checking in all the time. I also realised my husband has been neglected, he gets pushed down the line when my parents start being needy, which is always.

I know the signs, I know why it's happening, I just need to realise I have the power to stop doing it !

How do I start to turn my life around ?

Oh Spirit! I have just  re-read 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist' by Fjelstad and what jumped out on me (again) was the invitation to stop thinking and start doing. You know it all. You can see what you do clearly. You see what effect all your efforts have and what effect they have on you. I know that it is scary like hell to stop caretaking others and to start looking out for yourself. And only you can do it.  Get help. Start implementing boundaries. Every time you notice that you go into default caretaker mode,  stop. Look at yourself. Ask yourself what do I want, need now?
And let us know how you are progressing on this journey.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thanks lkdrymom,

The weird thing is I do tolerate from friends, people at work etc. I've been so conditioned in my childhood that I thought people pleasing was normal. Finally I'm waking up and realising I have a choice, I don't have to be a doormat. It's time to prioritise and put myself first.

Would you tolerate this behavior from someone you have as a friend?  If not, this is no different.  Just because someone is a blood relative does not mean you are tied to them for life.  Build a life that does not involve them.

[Spirit in the sky]

My mother also supported my ex husband. She knows she should have ended her marriage years about but she's rather be bitter and resentful. She's under the impression life isn't supposed to be joyful.

Truth is I have known about this for 20 years, when I got divorced and my mother refused to support me ( she was in a dysfunctional marriage and couldn't escape so why should I )

Wow! This really hit me. My father never supported me when I left my abusive marriage. In fact he actively supported my ex. He's never supported my sisters in their marriages which are also abusive, including infidelity.

I have come to see he abused my mother and now I have some understanding of why he never supports us. It would be admitting what he did was wrong.

I feel the same way about the whole reaching a new level of damage with my family. It's been years and stuff is still coming up.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thanks Spring Butterfly,

I think the penny has finally dropped and I realise I am completely wasting my time, I just wrote a post about my mother's denial of my father's cancer. She is so controlling my father isn't even allowed to die because she says it's not happening.
And truthfully he's no better, he's rather sulk and be miserable and make everyone else's life a misery too. I really need to detach emotionally and save myself.

Nothing I do or say is going to make any difference they are locked into this dysfunctional codependency and in some ways I think they actually enjoy the misery and drama. Having spoken to my mother today I actually felt my insides shaking and I finally grasped that it's all been pointless all of it. She never really wanted to help herself, she refused to see a therapist when I was child and instead dumped her emotional baggage on me.

Not once since my father's diagnosis has she asked how I am doing, how I feel, do I need anything , nothing. If I mention my father at she turns the subject back to her, I don't know how many times she tells me she could be dead first. Highly unlikely as she isn't ill even though she's complaining about a head cold. I've fooled myself for too many years that she does actually care about me, I don't think she's capable. She says she loves me but really she needs me.

It's time to finally cut the cord and although I do feel guilty, I know I need to emotionally detach myself and start to make a life for myself. I always said I could never escape while she was alive but I think it will be too late then. It's time now.

Spirit, you're doing great! Yes it's much like an onion and for a long time I tried to get to the final layers. You know what? The truth is continuous improvement in life should be ongoing and never ending. Those of us here have different layers than other humans and maybe a few extra layers or maybe we're working through things later in life and feel we missed out. Whatever it is take heart - you can do this! No one could've been more entangled than me when I first landed here. Every. Single. Day. Shopping, errands, lunch followed by an evening of texts, emails and phone calls. Seriously. So sad. That scanning you mention, oh so familiar. So much of what you wrote, yes absolutely my life years ago.

Now, I don't care. Sometimes I feel sad but I acknowledge the loss and the sadness passes. It's an individual journey but keep at it and you'll get there. Do what works for you. For me I had to individuate, learn boundaries, become my own adult, create my own separate life, release them in peace to their own medical neglect, respect they're adults making their own choices even if I don't like their choices it's their human right just like it's my right to have my own life. Claim it. Own it. It's yours.

Truth be told no human is capable of making another human happy. That's a life truth, a universal principle. That might be from the toolbox somewhere I think and it helped me years ago. Recently it sank in on another level and that's a good thing - to keep growing.

By the way you can do it even if you don't move, I didn't move and they live just 10 minutes away. I did change up my routine and where I shop to reduce the chance encounters. FOG has nothing to do with distance - I lived far at one point but the FOG reached because I was still controlled emotionally and mentally. FOG has nothing to do with physical distance and everything to do with our own growth and what we choose to allow and how we choose to think.

[Kiki81]

I'm an only child. I didn't have anything to do with it, that's on my parents. I haven't seen my almost-90-years-old parents in almost 6 years. I decided it was time to live for myself and my DH, *not* my parents.

We aren't slaves. We don't *owe* them a single thing, certainly not a healthy, happy, functional life.

It's not too late for you to live your own life. You can have love for them if that's important to you; you can wish them well; etc etc But you can do these things with them out of your life.

Regarding dying: We're mammals, we all die. Your parents have enjoyed (or not) a longer than usual life span. The rest is a bonus that is purely theirs and not yours to work with. There could be a bus out there with YOUR name on it! Get real about this, there is nothing you can to make them immortal.

[Spring Butterfly]

Spirit

It's time to finally cut the cord and although I do feel guilty, I know I need to emotionally detach myself and start to make a life for myself.

that guilty feeling is just programming and you can rewrite the code, it just takes time and effort but you sound so so ready to go forward!

Not to get off track but Kiki that last paragraph and especially this is a mind blowing gem: "Get real about this, there is nothing you can to make them immortal."

[SunnyMeadow]

Nothing I do or say is going to make any difference they are locked into this dysfunctional codependency and in some ways I think they actually enjoy the misery and drama. Having spoken to my mother today I actually felt my insides shaking and I finally grasped that it’s all been pointless all of it. She never really wanted to help herself, she refused to see a therapist when I was child and instead dumped her emotional baggage on me.

Not once since my father’s diagnosis has she asked how I am doing, how I feel, do I need anything , nothing. If I mention my father at she turns the subject back to her, I don’t know how many times she tells me she could be dead first. Highly unlikely as she isn’t ill even though she’s complaining about a head cold. I’ve fooled myself for too many years that she does actually care about me, I don’t think she’s capable. She says she loves me but really she needs me.

It’s time to finally cut the cord and although I do feel guilty, I know I need to emotionally detach myself and start to make a life for myself. I always said I could never escape while she was alive but I think it will be too late then. It’s time now.

Good for you Spirit! The time is definitely now. As I read each of your posts, I can feel your strength. I think your strength is coming from finally seeing what she's all about. I completely identify with your experience. From her saying she could be dead soon to enjoying misery and drama, my uPDmom is the same way.

I thought she was my biggest champion for years. She's not. She is her own biggest champion and no one better get in her way. Certainly not her devoted, enmeshed daughter.

As Spring Butterfly wrote, rewriting the code is perfect. I agree, sounds like you're ready to rewrite the code and protect yourself.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thank you Sunny for the lovely post.

Finally I am able to see things clearly and I'm so pleased with myself that I'm keeping it all together. Instead of reacting with panic and fear, I keep asking myself what this challenge is teaching me, what I learn from each experience.

I'm acknowledging the discomfort and I'm sitting with it. Journaling is my saviour, I've been waking up about 5am and I write at the top of the page what's happening and then 'How does this make me feel?'

So I write down my emotions and notice the things I can't change or have no control over and then positive steps I can. I also write a 'well done me' list of the things I'm doing like shopping, cooking, cleaning, work, taking care of pets etc and then self safe suggestions. I like lists 

My big thing that I'm so excited about is having my first Reiki treatment this month. It's something I have wanted to try for ages but always found an excuse. Hopefully if it works for me I'm going to classes to learn it. It's something for me, just me that will relax and take my mind of all the mindless.

Nothing I do or say is going to make any difference they are locked into this dysfunctional codependency and in some ways I think they actually enjoy the misery and drama. Having spoken to my mother today I actually felt my insides shaking and I finally grasped that it's all been pointless all of it. She never really wanted to help herself, she refused to see a therapist when I was child and instead dumped her emotional baggage on me.

Not once since my father's diagnosis has she asked how I am doing, how I feel, do I need anything , nothing. If I mention my father at she turns the subject back to her, I don't know how many times she tells me she could be dead first. Highly unlikely as she isn't ill even though she's complaining about a head cold. I've fooled myself for too many years that she does actually care about me, I don't think she's capable. She says she loves me but really she needs me.

It's time to finally cut the cord and although I do feel guilty, I know I need to emotionally detach myself and start to make a life for myself. I always said I could never escape while she was alive but I think it will be too late then. It's time now.

Good for you Spirit! The time is definitely now. As I read each of your posts, I can feel your strength. I think your strength is coming from finally seeing what she's all about. I completely identify with your experience. From her saying she could be dead soon to enjoying misery and drama, my uPDmom is the same way.

I thought she was my biggest champion for years. She's not. She is her own biggest champion and no one better get in her way. Certainly not her devoted, enmeshed daughter.

As Spring Butterfly wrote, rewriting the code is perfect. I agree, sounds like you're ready to rewrite the code and protect yourself.

[Spirit in the sky]

This video was very helpful in helped me understand my need to serve others and over give.

https://youtu.be/yN3n3zOA37I

[PeanutButter]

I watch Jerry wise on you tube. If he had read your email i think he would say that you should ask 'when' not 'how'.
"'When' do I start to turn my life around?"
And if you are not ready just yet thats fine. Accept that is where you are at right now.
He has helped me alot. Self differentiation is the key whether you are in contact or not.