Being an introvert is hard

[Iamenoughmary]

I am an introvert. I go to websites to read about my behaviors. I have extrovert friends and family.  None are like me. I have had a judgement placed upon me by my husband, daughter and esp one cousin.  Its so hard for me to be social.  They don't get it!  I've read about introverts and its me to a tee! I cant help it!  My brother drinks and there always has to be a party. If I don't attend, I get jumped on esp by my husband. I'm old now and enjoy peace and quiet.  My husbands family are loud,really loud!! Its like fingers across a chalkboard to me. I have attended at least 90% percent of their family functions, and I'm always glad to be back home.  They do not get it!! They push me into pictures, and one yells at me "get in there"  She is esp loud and never is quiet.  They don't see or ever tried to understand me. I've been married 45 years and they fail to accept me the way I am.  Recently I skipped my brothers party. My husband scolded me.  Hes a social butterfly. He never stops talking in public but at home wont listen to me. I have shut down. They all including my daughter who is a carbon copy of her dad scolds me too. I just keep quiet. No use in having a family squabble. Inside I am broken and sad. To be ME  seems like its wrong.   I have a cousin who if I vent or just need to chat tells me "you need help"  just for reaching out to her!  I have listened faithfully to her issues for years and never judged her. She will say "you wont want to hear this, but"  I am so sad and confused that I feel like never speaking again  Thank you for hearing me! 

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi neverenoughmary,

I hear you. Sometimes we're surrounded by people who are in their own 'zone' in their lives. They are partying, they are talking a lot, they are doing what they feel good doing. That is what you describe here.

IMHO, no one is 100% an extrovert all the time, or 100% an introvert - and what I mean by that is that even if someone is an extrovert, does that mean that they never sit down and stop talking and just listen instead? I wonder...?

Extroverts can learn how to listen - it's a skill, like anything else we can learn. They can learn how to listen to others, and they can learn how to empathize. All that means is they can learn how to say "I hear you, sometimes I've felt that way too". That requires them to stop, pause, and reflect on a time where they also felt the way you're feeling. That's a skill. Some people do it - some people don't.

I hear you yearning for someone who sits down with you and sits still long enough to just listen to you, and give the gift of focus and attention, without any judgement. This is a gift some people have learned how to give, and some other people are not going to give. Even if you ask, you'll notice that they don't really know how to do it.

Sometimes, people don't take the time to listen without judgement, because they don't want to think about the things that you want to talk about. This really has nothing to do with you at that point. Some people just don't want to sit down long enough and they don't want to listen without judgement, and that is not your fault.

Just because you have sat patiently with them, and you have been kind and patient with them and gone along with their plans (even when you felt like staying home)...this does not mean they are looking to reciprocate. It is hard to be 'seen and not heard' as the saying goes. People want to see you in their photos but they don't really hear you when you tell them you are tired.

Trees

[Iamenoughmary]

yes treesgrowslowly, You are right!

I think I belong on another planet. I just do not fit in or understand any of it. I do want someone to sit and focus but that's not going to happen. I feel I just am obligated to be what they all wish me to be. Thank you so much!

[SonofThunder]

I am an introvert. I go to websites to read about my behaviors. I have extrovert friends and family.  None are like me. I have had a judgement placed upon me by my husband, daughter and esp one cousin.  Its so hard for me to be social.  They don't get it!  I've read about introverts and its me to a tee! I cant help it!  My brother drinks and there always has to be a party. If I don't attend, I get jumped on esp by my husband. I'm old now and enjoy peace and quiet.  My husbands family are loud,really loud!! Its like fingers across a chalkboard to me. I have attended at least 90% percent of their family functions, and I'm always glad to be back home.  They do not get it!! They push me into pictures, and one yells at me "get in there"  She is esp loud and never is quiet.  They don't see or ever tried to understand me. I've been married 45 years and they fail to accept me the way I am.  Recently I skipped my brothers party. My husband scolded me.  Hes a social butterfly. He never stops talking in public but at home wont listen to me. I have shut down. They all including my daughter who is a carbon copy of her dad scolds me too. I just keep quiet. No use in having a family squabble. Inside I am broken and sad. To be ME  seems like its wrong.   I have a cousin who if I vent or just need to chat tells me "you need help"  just for reaching out to her!  I have listened faithfully to her issues for years and never judged her. She will say "you wont want to hear this, but"  I am so sad and confused that I feel like never speaking again  Thank you for hearing me!

Hello neverenoughmary,

First, I want to extend a warm welcome to Out of the FOG! 

Im sorry you are judged so disrespectfully, unfairly and wrong by your husband, daughter, cousin and other family members.  Im very happy though, to read that you know yourself well and have determined that you are an introvert.  Fantastic!

There are many of us introverts here on Out of the FOG and so you will fit in here very well 😊.  I am an INTJ specifically (Myers Briggs Type Index= MBTI). There are also many here who are extroverts, and I am confident you will find Out of the FOG a place to be yourself; a place where you are respected and treated as the equal that we all are! 

Out of the FOG is a place where you may enjoy and appreciate your introversion!  In fact, Out of the FOG is a better place because of ALL the 16 different types of MBTI's that are more than likely represented here, as it helps facilitate some wonderful conversation on a variety of topics.  Also, regardless of our MBTI's, all here are dealing/have dealt with PD people in their lives, which is so very difficult, and we all walk this trail together. 

So, pull up a chair around the Out of the FOG campfire and join in some fantastic conversations!  On that note, I want to suggest that you (if you have not already) visit the 'The Welcome Mat' board and introduce yourself there as well. 

See you around the boards!

SoT

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm glad you are here, NEM!  It's  wonderful you felt the courage to post what's going on for you!  There is so much information to be gained from reading posts and other resources (e.g. Toolbox) on this website.  I hope you find it useful.

I, too, tend toward introversion.  But I can tell you, in my case, being exposed to pwPD's since my youth also played a significant part in my social fears.  My sense of self worth was bottom of the basement.  I found it very hard, when feeling I was an unacceptable, unwanted blight on all those around me (which is exactly how I felt), to relax into comfortable social discourse. 

There are different levels of introversion and it turns out mine is not as strong as I once thought.  I can actually enjoy being around people, and even groups ... if I feel safe.  It's a big "if" because I don't trust easily and old traumas can be triggered quite readily in those situations.   

Thankfully, as SoT said, this is a place to be treated as an equal.  That was something I never had when spending time with PD's.      . . .   Free

[Cascade]

There's nothing wrong with being an introvert or with being quiet. I'm an introvert too and have joined an introvert group on Facebook that has been helpful and encouraging. Noisy people are very draining to us introverts! It sounds like your family of extroverts have very little understanding of introverts, which is fairly common unfortunately.

[Iamenoughmary]

Much Thanks for your kind replies.  It helps me feel that I'm not such a misfit.  I read all the time about introverts. I have every trait. One is talking on the phone, another is if someone comes to my door I get flustered.  I never could speak in front of people. Then there's the having my picture taken  issue.    I will look on the FB page group. It means so much that all of you understand!  I had a bad childhood.  No emotional love.  To this day my mom cannot show me love. She is an N  .  I think I need to get tougher, and not allow everyone to judge me. I'm trying to see that it is ok to be introverted.

[Amy-Rose]

You're not a misfit at all! I literally socalize once a fortnight. I prefer the company of animals to people.

I love my mum and step-dad, but they are both very loud and my Mum is one of those consistent talkers. She'll just prattle on and on and on. She'll find something to say, it's like your being talked at not talked to. She's like have the TV or radio on in the background constantly. I'll be tired. She'll say go and have a nap. So I'll try and she'll just keep coming in the room to ask me questions, put music on loud or just keep talking if I'm napping on the sofa. I can only spend so long as her flat before I'm keen to get home. I hate going away. I get bored when out.

There's nothing wrong with you. Sometimes I feel like I should go out more and have more than just one friend I only occasionally see and my parents but whenever I get friends they seem demanding to go out all the time. I don't want to, so I lose them. Or I make friends with the wrong people.

You're definitely not alone. I think people just worry about you and can't understand you if you're not like them. It's ok to not follow the herd. xxx

[countrygirl]

HI neverenoughmary,

You are enough and have given enough!  You have earned your peace and quiet through the sheer number of years you have accommodated others, including that cousin who expects you to listen to her but who isn't there when you need to talk.

I wonder if you have read or heard of a great book for and about introverts:  Quiet:  The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, by Susan Cain.  It will really make you feel understood and validated.

When I was a kid, someone who loved nature, animals and one-on-one friendships, by father--a real social butterfly--could NOT understand.   His worst insult at the time was to say, "You aren't an INTROVERT, are you?"  As if he were asking whether I was an ax murderer!   

There is a place for quiet people in this world.  Also, it makes me wonder why some dyed-in-the-wool extroverts are so threatened by introverts?   Can't they get together with other extroverts without having to convert everyone to their way of being?   I mean, we don't grab them by the lapels, and say,  "Don't go to that party!  Stay home and read a good book!  What's the matter with you?  Don't you enjoy your own company?"   And, you know, that may be the case.   

[Empie2204]

neverenoughmary!

It´s not easy to be an introvert but at the same time, it is very positive and good.
The difficulty comes from the loudness and intensity of extroverts. Countrygirl asks why the extroverts want to convert us. Maybe it´s the part of their being, this conviction that their way of existence is right. We don´t need to obey and we don´t have to be ashamed of us being us. Just as them, we too have the right to be what we are. It is not our duty to make extroverts satisfied and happy, even if they are family members.
Being an introvert does not endanger anyone!

Susan Cain´s book is really good for understanding introverts. There is also another one: Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life is Your Hidden Strength by Laurie Helgoe.

You write you are educating yourself about introversion. These two books might be helpful, too. I know they were for me.
I wish you a safe and successful way to embracing your introversion.

[Iamenoughmary]

Thank you all sooo much!  I will be back tomorrow to write more to each. I'm winding down from a get together yesterday. I couldn't escape it. My husband was given a good citizen award and I had to go. Sometimes it takes days to feel calm again and get back into a routine     Only you introverts will understand that.  I appreciate you so much!

[Amadahy]

Hi, Neverenoughmary,

Oh, but you are enough.  More than enough. But, I get what you mean.  xo

I am an introvert, a Myers Briggs type INFP.  I honestly think I could go for months, maybe years without seeing people.  It's not because I don't like people, but rather because I like my own company and aloneness to me is solitude, peace, life.  I am very fortunate in that my DH, who is an ambivert, really understands and knows that I withdraw for self-care, not because I'm mad or put out or even anti-social. It is how introverts are wired.  Would someone (with a lick of sense) demean someone who is blind for not being able to see?  It is a similar thing -- we are how we are.  I hope you can come to feel less alone and accept all the gifts and graces that come with being an introvert.  My warmest wishes to you.  xoxo

[Catothecat]

My mother was an extroverted narc, and I realized early on that introverts frightened her.  She used to call me "backwards" because I was an introvert, and anyone else like me has always caused her consternation and condemnation...for no reason at all.  I used to wonder why I (and others like me) threatened her so much.  Because it really seemed to be a threat. 

My conclusion--she was convinced that not being an extrovert was a sentence for a miserable, unhappy, unfulfilled life.  And because she came to this conclusion she worked overtime to try to make sure I didn't have such a life.  She saw no value in introversion so saw no value in people who were.  To her way of thinking, they were introverts because they wanted to be.  WE are the ones who have to change because they don't want to.  WE are the ones with the issue, not them.

It doesn't occur to people like my mother that their issue with us is just that--THEIR issue.  But they try to make it ours. 

When I'd ask my mother why it bothered her so much, she wouldn't answer, because she couldn't.  She wasn't capable of that level of honesty or introspection.  And frankly, I was done with dealing with people like her.  I was tired and done with feeling I had to explain myself to someone unwilling to understand.  It's not so much an issue of "toughening up" but rather a shedding of baggage others have told me I should drag around.  And yes, embrace your introversion.  Throw it in the extroverts' faces.  Let them deal, for a change.

[SonofThunder]

Sometimes it takes days to feel calm again and get back into a routine     Only you introverts will understand that.  I appreciate you so much!

Yes!  The classic 'introvert hangover'.  There are many articles on the subject, and here is a link to just one.  Glad you are taking time to unwind and recharge. 

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/introvert-hangover/

SoT

[Jolie40]

introvert here, also
as a kid, I was called a mouse at school since I rarely talked
on first date with husband, I barely said a word but I guess he liked my quietness
when I became a parent, I did find my voice often out of necessity to protect my child
I talk more now but am still an introvert
with covid, I've rarely gone anywhere
luckily husband doesn't force me to go places
no one should force you, either!

as I age, often find people in general annoying, lol
(except for husband & child)

[Iamenoughmary]

I'm totally relating to everything each of you have said. I also esp in the last 15 years or so find people annoying. My husband doesn't understand and I've cried,  done everything and he just sits there. Everywhere we go hes always chatting about people. Hes telling me where they live, who they are, etc!  I could care less. Everyone knows him. He waves to cars while were driving. In the stores he sees tons of people and he has to talk to them.

  The other day as we pulled into a parking lot he saw someone getting into their car. He just had to make sure that person saw him. He kept slowing down as we walked to the store. I kept walking and ignored him. Rude, yes, maybe but I don't have the energy to stop and chat to people. I just don't care.

My life is my home, my pets, and I'm not on the same radar as he or his family. Marrying into that family has been hard. To nice, to loud, to out there. His sister is worse than he is.  He has 3 but shes the worst.  I realize I sound mean, but in an introverts world they are stress to me. I only have a couple of functions a year that I have to see them.  I'm sure they think I'm so weird. lol! 

I agree that they think we need to change. My mom also a social butterfly.  She adores my husband, wonder why..lol!  Shes been in a nursing home for awhile. Shes the nicest and got a crown for being that. Funny she was never that nice to me. She made it clear that I was "different" 

I am now going to accept who I am. I am going to ignore the ones who say I need help. I told my cousin point blank she is not to say that ever again. She herself is not so stable.  I'm an introvert, not a psycho!  She did that everytime I spoke to her.  "now you may not want to hear this, but get help" OMG!  Introverts are born this way. Stop judging.   She will probably never speak to me again. I dont care!  I stood up for myself. 

I love what each of you have voiced and the advice and understanding. From  one introvert to another 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Cluster B personalities have such a weak sense of self that they need other people to tell them who they are. If they are not getting “supply” from others, they feel as if they don’t exist. Silence is torture to them. My uBPD parents had the radio or tv playing at all times. So your going off into nonexistence, as they would feel it to be, is majorly uncomfortable and even threatening to them. If they can even think about your perspective. More importantly, you aren’t available to be the supply when you are doing your own thing!

[SonofThunder]

neverenoughmary,

You wrote:

I am now going to accept who I am.
I am going to ignore the ones who say I need help.
I'm an introvert, not a psycho!
Introverts are born this way.

+1 

SoT

[Iamenoughmary]

I like Winter. Things slow down!   Any Winter loving introverts here?  It just seems more peaceful. No cookouts and such.  Everything becomes more silent    Cozy under a blanket on the couch!!  Thank you so much everyone. I know I am not alone . A good feeling!!

[SonofThunder]

🙋🏼‍♂️ Same, enjoy!

SoT