I thought I was healing...

[Whiteheron]

So here I am, just over a year out of the house, not yet divorced from stbx (after two years...). I thought I was on the road to recovery. I'm being more social, whereas before I was isolated. I have a part time job, before I was a SAHM. I volunteer whenever I can, I used to have to clear it with stbx. I spend time alone, trying to get to know who I really am.

But the other day, I was chatting with an old friend about work and the kids and our conversation really made me think. I mean, really think. I'm working more hours than I had intended. I have stopped going to the gym as much- my favorite outlet where I have a group of friends - because of work. I have zero time to run errands during the week, I need to try to cram everything in every other weekend when the kids are with stbx. I have put my weight loss/health on the back burner because I'm too tired to care. I have put my recovery on the back burner because I'm too tired to grab one of the dozen self-help books I have stashed away.  I have put my self defense class on hold (partly because of a minor surgery). The list goes on.

The big question is: why?

I can tell you all why. Because my boss (and friend) wants me to work more hours. So I rearranged my schedule to fit her needs. Why? Why did I do this? This is my old pattern. At least, I thought it was my old pattern.

My boss (friend) is talking about my being able to work even more hours after this school year ends, when my volunteering is "done", and after my already planned super-part time summer gig is over. Whaaa?

I never intended to give up my previous life. Why have I effectively done so? Because she expected more and I stepped up to the plate like a good little girl. That's why. I haven't changed. I haven't healed. The only thing I take comfort in is that I'm now recognizing it as an issue - it only took me six months to realize I was back to isolating myself and wasn't happy.

Don't get me wrong, I love working with my friend and I wanted to get back to work, especially to tide me over until the divorce is final. I am grateful she gave me this opportunity. But there are less than 5 people in the office. I'm off in a corner by myself. Not ideal for someone who is trying to not be isolated.

My friend will not be happy, but I feel I need to cut back my availability some. I just, I guess, I don't know why she expected me to be ok with upending everything to work for her. Maybe I let her think it was ok? Or is that me blaming myself for something someone else has done? I just don't know anymore. She knows about my situation, has a history of mental illness in her FOO, so she gets it. But she's the workaholic of the family - her H is the one who runs errands and takes the kids to appts. Maybe she just doesn't get being a single mom who's in the midst of a high conflict divorce? Or am I just making excuses for her??!! 

I guess I'm not making as much progress as I thought I was. 

[openskyblue]

Oh boy, I could have written this. The caretaking, people pleaser habits run deep in us. Like you, I went back to work after being a SAHM and leaving my ex. But I work in an office with over 100 people — and have a boss who understands my over caretaker tendencies and warns me when I over promise and get all perfectionist. I miss working out every day, but shoot, I'm tired!

I've been practicing us that great little, oh so powerful word : No. I'd recommend you practice with it too. No, I can't take on those hours. No, I will be out for a few days. No, that doesn't fit in my schedule.

I've found that saying no calmly — and without JADING — is enough. I don't have to take care of the other person, justify m6 life to them, or upend my life. And things kind of turn out fine mostly.

Please don't be too hard on yourself. We all have setbacks. And it looks like this was more of a lightbulb moment of growth.

[practical]

This is huge progress, you can see what is happening and you are seeing it in real time not 5 years later. So as far as I'm concerned: congratulations! You are healing and growing.

And you are already reevaluating what you want, need, next step is to put it into action and I'm sure you can do it. Maybe try to do it in small steps starting with talking to your friend and then go from there to reintegrate the gym, the books, making friends one thing at a time.

I also think step backwards, losing our path a little in between is part of learning. None of us have a road map for this, we all have excellent maps on how to fix things, make others happy, but when it comes to taking care of ourselves it is terra incognito. So getting lost when in unchartered territory is part of what happens, the key is to notice, learn from it, fill it in as danger zone on your map and refind your path, which is exactly what you are doing.

So please, pat yourself on your back, congratulate yourself on how much progress you have made and than redirect your little ship that has drifted into the right direction again. You have totally got this!

[sevenyears]

WH - you are healing, and making much more progress than you realized. Recognition of your boundaries, wants and needs is huge. Recognition of your patterns is huge. Recognition of your motivations is huge. And, recognition of your goals is huge. You have done a lot to get to where you are. Keep going and putting one foot in front of the other. 

[1footouttadefog]

Sounds line you are healing because you recognize you need changes and tweaking of your life to meet your goals.  You are contemplating these things before being in a crisis or so it seems from the tone of your writing.  This is progress.  When in the midst of PD abuse this is so often not the case.
 
Not having a perfect life is normal, so don't beat yourself up.

I have found that for myself the turmoil surrounding having tough conversations is often based mostly inside of me.  I then project those feelings onto what I imagine the other person will feel and how they will respond.  I think this is a bad habit from dealing with pd abuse for so long.

Perhaps just having a conversation with your boss about your schedule and what is expected of you and what you goals are will allow you to find a compromise.

Perhaps you can work long hours one week a month or something.  Or perhaps she can rearrange work assignments so you and another employee can get a win win on hours and scheduling.

I hope you find a way to meet your goals.  Sometimes hard changes have to be made like changing jobs or changing goals,  sometimes for me such times of discomfort end up with me rearranging and re-evaluation things to find my goals have changed or that some part of the life puzzle no longer has a place.