Reconciling dad's anger with the good things

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Sometimes I reflect upon occasions where my dad showed such anger and disdain toward me, which I realize was usually when I had done something he did not like. It was mostly small stuff. He would hold a grudge and not look at me or speak to me for days. I cannot believe he is also the same person who helped me move into my first apartment, drove through the night to stay with me when I was alone and thought I had racoons in the attic, and sat with me when my husband was in the hospital. 
   
His attitude and his mood can switch on a dime. I think growing up I always figured "nice dad" was the real one, but he just had a quick temper. He has dimples when he smiles. He has thick hair, perfectly straight teeth, and bears a huge resemblance to the former US President JFK. Most people appear charmed by him in brief interactions. His grandchildren think he is a benevolent sweetie. 

I sort of wonder how can these two versions exist in one person? Would the duality be a constant internal tug of war? I have not read a much on this aspect specifically. Does anyone completely reconcile how someone who is able to show acts of love and generosity, also behave with such contempt?

I have thought in recent years that dad's true self, or baseline, is one of anger for most things. His kindness is activated by image preservation and aligning to social expectations - not authentic love.

Appreciate any thoughts. Thank you.

[LemonLime]

Oh Blueberry.  What you have so eloquently written is what I struggle with around my sibling.  My only sibling, an older sister, who tells my parents how much she loves me, but who since I can remember as a toddler just didn't seem to like me.  A simmering resentment seemed just below the surface, such that I learned from a young age to walk on eggshells.  A rage that used to explode at my parents but as they aged and she remained dependent on them for financial help, was turned toward me.  And contempt is exactly the right word for what she has for me.  And that contempt and rage came at me when I did something she didn't like.  She has used very specific and personal examples of what she sees as my faults to eviscerate me in verbal and written assaults.

My sib was my maid of honor at my wedding and gave the most lovely speech/toast about me and how "Lemon Lime knows what love is".  And she brought my old Dr. Seuss book about love to illustrate how I've always known from a young age what true love is.  People cried.  It was lovely.

She has held my hand when I went through health scares.  When my hair was falling out from a genetic condition and I feared nobody would ever find me attractive she said just the right thing.  I have felt that she was someone who I could call at any hour and she would hop on a plane to come comfort me if I needed it.  She is truly a charming person, and people are attracted to her like a magnet.  And I don't know that it is all for show.  She seems to genuinely have 2 different personalities.

It's a schism that I cannot seem to wrap my head around.  It causes me so much confusion.  It keeps me from getting closure on the relationship.  It pains me that my extended family does not see her contempt and probably never will.  She very very carefully hides that side of her from them, and although my parents are well aware of it and have experienced it firsthand, there is a culture of silence about my sib's behavior that serves her very very well. 

In some ways I feel like I'm in a strange dream.

I'm so sorry that you experience this with your dad.  I can only hold your hand in solidarity and agree that it is mind-bending.  What they experience in their private world, and how they reconcile their two very different personalities, is anyone's guess.   I don't know if there is a recovered narcissist who could shed light on this for us, but if there is I haven't found them.

 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, LemonLime. Thanks for the solidarity and for sharing your own experience.

What you mention "It's a schism that I cannot seem to wrap my head around.  It causes me so much confusion.  It keeps me from getting closure on the relationship.  It pains me that my extended family does not see her contempt and probably never will" I think also is so true.

[Leonor]

Hi Blueberry,

Oh, I have experienced this bewilderment so much with my own family!

I'd like to add a warning here, just to be transparent, that my example involves child abuse. Stay safe and well, dear Blueberry and all - if you're feeling vulnerable, avoiding triggers is the healing thing to do!


I grew up in a very church-centered town with many religious who exploited vulnerable children. As an abandoned "latchkey kid," I was vulnerable, and one was stalking me - around my friends, after school, even coming to my house when I was home alone and knocking at the door and peering in the windows. I told my mother, who just said not to let him in, and I wound up cowering in the corner of my kitchen or in my basement staircase until he left. The only adult who protected me was my grandfather, who actually confronted this stalker in our driveway when he showed up while my grandparents were staying with me while I was home sick from school. I don't know what my grandfather said, but the stalker didn't come by my house after that. Later I came to be aware that my grandfather was also abusive towards the girls in my family, me included.

Now, how was it possible that this man, who himself was very religious and faithful, and who must have really frightened my stalker (likely by threatening to go to the pastor, who was a fairly important figure in the city as well as a childhood friend of his), and whom I thought of as my knight in shining armor, be the same man who traumatized me and my female relatives?


That's the most dramatic example of many, and I am sorry it's disturbing - I'm referencing it as an example of how wide and deep this split can appear to us.

But I don't think it's a struggle for them, Blueberry. I honestly do not believe there is some tug of war in their hearts between what they may want to do (be loving) and what they are tempted to do (be abusive). That's projecting our conscience, our awareness, our desire to be kind and gentle, onto them. Sometimes your dad acted kindly towards you and sometimes he was mean and hurtful, depending on how he felt and what he wanted, regardless of how it made you feel.

The fact that there is no recognition of wrong, or hurt, or apology, or effort to be a better father or friend or fellow human, tells me that the underlying personality is devoid of real kindness, which requires empathy. Maybe your father wasn't always in a temper, and on those occasions he could seem loving towards you, or act in a way that you interpreted as loving. How many little children suffer the most outrageous cruelty from their parents, and cling to whatever little crumb they can glean as "love"!

And what a sturdy, vibrant little vine you must have been, Blueberry, to grow and blossom so tall in spite of it all!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Leonore. Thank you for understanding, and for sharing your own experience.

What you say here, I totally feel in my heart to be true: "The fact that there is no recognition of wrong, or hurt, or apology, or effort to be a better father or friend or fellow human, tells me that the underlying personality is devoid of real kindness, which requires empathy. Maybe your father wasn't always in a temper, and on those occasions he could seem loving towards you, or act in a way that you interpreted as loving. How many little children suffer the most outrageous cruelty from their parents, and cling to whatever little crumb they can glean as "love"!"... Yes, so true.

Also what you say about being a sturdy, vibrant little vine to grow and blossom so tall in spite of it all is another aspect I think is true. It has to be, or we probably would not have made it this far.  I think I could probably repeat those same beautiful words back to you. I hope you feel this applies to you too.  Thank you for your wisdom, and for sharing it with us. 

[wisingup]

Hi Blueberry Pancakes - I remember reading your post on the day you wrote it, and it stuck with me all day & made me think.  I apologize for not responding until now. 

You put it into words very well.  I have similar strongly good memories of my mother, right alongside truly horrifying ones.  My brain doesn't know how to reconcile these memories into a single person.  The traumatic memories are responsible for the "Fear" in FOG, while the good memories are responsible for all the Obligation and Guilt. 

She does not seem to remember the bad times, or remotely understand how traumatized her family members have been by her behavior during her rages. Perhaps she is pretending here, & if so she is a good actress.  Since those times don't factor in her memories, she looks shocked and hurt and betrayed when I try to talk about them.  And of course there will be no apologies or attempt to improve behavior that she denies ever engaging in. 

I would love to read more on this specific phenomenon, because there is some real black magic going on in the disordered person's brain.  It would be fascinating to study, if I wasn't on the front lines of it & still trying to cope.

Hugs to you BP, and if anyone has some good references on this topic, I'm all ears.

[notrightinthehead]

I believe there is good and bad in all of us and our awareness of ourselves allows us to choose how we want to behave.

My mother could be kind, generous, caring, loving and she could be an abusive demon. I was constantly monitoring her mood , afraid to trigger her in any way as a child.

As an adult, when I had children of my own, and after years of NC, we had several long talks and she apologized. She also told me of her childhood and in retrospect I suspect she suffered with c-PTSD. Her demon came out when she was triggered.

And she passed it on to me. There was a phase in my life when I could be extremely unpleasant when my rage was triggered. I still cringe at some of the scenes I made in shops, with service providers, I even lost it with my kids sometimes. Not loud, but bitingly sarcastic. I always felt so ashamed afterwards when I regained composure. I apologized to my kids, but very rarely to strangers.

With therapy and mindfulness I learned to allow these unpleasant feelings to wash through me instead of acting them out . The difference for me is in the  self awareness and willingness to work on oneself.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you Wisingup and Notright. 

Wising up, I think I have also seen my parents act betrayed whenever I called out their hurtful behavior and of course there are no apologies or attempt to change behavior. You mostly just stand there being frustrated that they do not see it, until you just stop trying. I also agree with the way you describe trauma being the "F" in FOG, and the good memories being the "OG". It all makes sense to me. 

Notright, how nice to have been able to have long talks with your parent, and also to hear an acknowledgement of the behavior. It is interesting to know of some trauma they experienced in childhood that you may be able to connect to
their current day behavior. On my dad's side, I know it goes back two generations, but I think it likely goes further than that. It is as you state perhaps by the grace of having awareness, mindfulness, and the desire to do as needed to take a different path that is the difference.

Thank you everyone who read, and for your wise insights. 

[bloomie]

Blueberry Pancakes - you, and others who have weighed in, have described the heart of WHY close, familial relationships where there is such cycling from one extreme to another are so damaging and hard.

The self doubt and confusion that arises from someone flipping on us because of a real or perceived misstep, someone our tender hearts are open to, someone we have maybe once again been lulled into trusting and letting down our guard with, is a terrible burden to bear up under. It is so deeply personal and painful and dare I say, one of the most isolating experiences one can have within a relationship that requires trust, safety, honesty, and intimacy.

It is a constant grappling for purchase with someone who does not have the ability to offer a developed, consistently integrated enough self to give. It is observing our parent, lover, friend who has just crushed our souls with caustic, dismissive, damaging behaviors offer folksy humor and a generous encouraging word to someone else. Someone they would never treat as they do us. Without a backward glance or seemingly hint of remorse or self awareness. 

It is finding out that personal thing you entrusted to another, or that experience you had with them that meant so much to you, has been treated cheaply and repeated, joked about, criticized, or meant nothing at all.

It is living with a kind of constant betrayal of our trust and uncertainty, always. And often, as LemonLime said there is a cone of silence within family systems and those in a position to confront and address serious character issues and abusive behaviors do not. Again, another betrayal along with the expectation that we uphold whatever narrative there is around this person.

What has become really important for me has been to not betray myself. To not invalidate the truth of my experiences at the hands of a much loved family member who lives on the extremes of a continuum of human interaction. To not allow the sometimes almost romantic wishful thinking around the good times and what seems like genuine good in them to lure me in and cloud my logical brain from holding a complete and honest view of this person and their true nature.

I cannot allow my emotions and needs to drive the wagon. I cannot afford to do that. My own mother, who is eerily similar to your father, was terribly abused as a child and I have great compassion for her. At the same time I can see the potential for greatness and profound ability to engage and move the hearts of others in her that she often chose to weaponize toward her children and others who dared to even hint that she may be wrong or have some serious issues.

It is especially difficult to see what could be in all of this. It is bittersweet to have received affection or kindness at times only to be discarded again.

In my case, this is who my mother was in relationship with me. That was mine to accept knowing I could not change it and she showed zero interest in living any other way. It worked for her and that is all that mattered.

You are a strong, beautiful vine like Leonor said, Blueberry! What a vast ability to see and know and understand the complexities of human nature you have and how you will use it for good! I know you will, or already do. Let that be the balm to your soul... that you are taking what is painful and confounding in your father's betrayals and you are using it for self awareness, growth, good!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Bloomie, wow, thank you. The "cycling of extremes" is a huge aspect. Agree it is isolating. You feel like you never land on a solid or safe place with them, which is sort of a cornerstone of parenting. 
   
Actually, the first time I felt solid was five years ago when I became aware. The FOG lifted. I cannot express enough of what a game changer it has been, and how my life changed so drastically ever since. I still have moments that stun me when I realize the best aspects of my life have been without the presence of my FOO.   
     
Thank you again. I am so grateful for the shared experiences and wisdom of those on this forum.

[Marianne]

I do not have the energy or concentration to read other responses now, so maybe I'm duplicating things. Or just wrong.

But what you write is exactly what I struggled with in many in my family, as well as my ex, and now to my shame myself as well...in contact with them at least, not my kid or others. 

I do not know your dad. So I do not know. I can only speak of what I saw in self and others. I think this fragmentation is in degrees.

1. Some people are manipulative and calculatedly harmful. My ex switched from threatening in private, to sweet in our first (and last) conversation with a mediator, within seconds. Then told me after, when I naively asked: wtf?! "I can manipulate everyone, I always do, they believe everything. If you ever tell people what I do to you and our son, I will make them believe you are crazy". This is an option. It is narcissism/sociopathy-like. The good side he showed there, was obviously fake. It was done on purpose. Calculatedly. And there was no responsibility or will to change.

2. When it comes to family...I believe it is mostly different. They are not either the good guy, or the bad guy. They are both. They are fragmented people, who grew up around fragmented people, who grew up around fragmented people, who... They developped different personality states to deal with different personality states of their caregivers. I think this can take various shapes.

My dad would say, on the phone, something real nasty. Then one second later, on text, he was superkind. But deny he said that. My mum tell me how she despised me. Then be all sweet and tell me good things. Then tell me I was crazy to think she did not love me. And deny she ever said or did the bad thing. And blame me for it. Both did this. I think...it was manipulative. But not set out to hurt me in a calculated way. There was just pain and despair and being triggered. Even by innocent things I did. And then covering that up (to themselves as well) out of shame or fear. My psychiatrist calls it cognitive distortion. It is human to a certain extent. And disordered when it gets regular or extreme.

They never genuinely apologized. Or felt responsible. I do think they secretly tried to change it sometimes, without admitting to their faults openly, which was too shameful. Fearful. Who knows what happens when people see you flaws...if you grew up in a shamebased family that's not safe behaviour, to admit faults. 

3.  In myself and my family I see another kind of switching...that is really being triggered. I personally switch like this too now. They broke me in pieces. I am mostly kind and really genuinely mean that. When someone is behaving in a way that really frightens me extremely...mostly my dad...I can switch to a fighting instinct too. And say things that contrast what I just said or did. I have this doubleness to a certain extent and I hate it. I do not do it with safe people though, like my kid or friends. 

Speaking for myself: the feelings of kindness are real. The feelings of anger are real too. Sometimes I'm trying to be kind, when I actually feel angry, but I do so because I genuinely do not want to hurt the other person. For I love them. I think the same was true for my parents.

As for me, I recognize this in myself. Seek help for it. Talk about it and apologize openly and tell the other person what happened to me, and if true, that it wasn't their fault. I'm trying very hard to not do this. There is a situation when I do not succeed though...which is when I am very triggered by someone who abused me or treated me very unfairly for a very long time. Or I am very frightened of.

I have no idea which of the above "levels" your dad is in. I think it is well possible that he genuinely loves you, as well as genuinely is harmful, both. Because he is fragmented in himself. I am sorry you suffered that. I know for myself...this was the most harmful thing of my family and relationship. NOT the abuse. But the fact that both the abuse and the kindness were there. And I had no clue as to how to make that into a coherent story in my mind. And needed to dissociate away the bad....or deny the good. 

[Marianne]

Your question really caught my eye. I thought about it some more. I think it is the core wound, and no MH worker ever talks about it.

It frustrates me that I cannot give words to what I feel around this. Not well. I'm going to try again to retrieve the feelings, thoughts and words for this. For you. And for me.

I feel that my incapability to wrap my head around it was not only in the doubleness of their personality. And the extreme to which it was double, because I think many people have milder parts like these. But it was in the fact that I was not allowed to feel, think or say that there were double. And what that did to me. How unsafe I felt. I think the healing is exactly there. Maybe that goes for you as well. 

In acknowledging there was (in the case of my parents) sometimes love and good intentions. And sometimes unsafety and hatred and bad intentions. The intent to hurt me. Even if in a moment of overwhelm. And this made the totality of the situation unsafe for me. To make it safe again, it needed acknowledgement...that there was not. Because they were too afraid and ashamed of their bully parts. This does not mean there was no genuine love at times. Or goodness. Both were there. I think for me the healing is in holding both in my mind in the same time...not denying the bad bits, not denying the good bits.   

I think healing for me, is also in acknowledging my own share. How I too developped parts. A part that flees from people when they trigger me. A part that fights back towards my dad. When I acknowledge what happens in me when I switch to a fight/flight mode...it helps me understand them better too. And not hurt others with it. Or give them room to acknowledge the hurt, when I do, and tell them it is not their fault...it is my pain coming out stupidly. 

I think it is terrible this happened to you, and I am so sorry for it. I think it does not necessarily mean your dad does not love you. It can also mean he is to hurt to show consistent love, also when he is overwhelmed or triggered.

I do not know him though...

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you Marianne. I am sorry for what you experienced also. Here on this forum though there is understanding.
 
I think what you mention about family and the fragmented parts of people rings true. Aspects of them are not integrated. I think it is also likely that they grew up around fragmented individuals, so it passes through generations. I see it on my dad's side going back to his grandfather. For me, it stopped here though. I am not passing that on. I believe it is also a core wound. It occurs when we are so young and repeats with them throughout our life as long as we remain engaged with them even when VLC.

Thank you.

[practical]

Sorry, I only read the original post and glanced at the others.

Both my parents could switch between nice and anger. I tried to be the nicest child possible, it still happened. As an adult I know now it was unpredictable what would trigger the change, as a child though I believed it had to do with me, my behaviour, my ability to make them happy. What I learned here and through therapy is, that it had nothing to do with me. Their inner turmoil or calm, was rooted in their history, unresolved issues, mental illness or however you want to describe it. This is what caused these changes in their behaviour. So, their inexplicable anger, meanness, silent treatment etc., it had to do with them and I simply became the projection surface, the person they could take it out on. I was available as their child, and in their view I couldn't walk away from it either, I was tied by family bonds and just had to take it. There was no awareness on their part that they were projecting, no apologies, no guilty feelings about how they treated me. There was very little to no ability to self-reflect, unlike what notrightinthehead describes with her mother for example.

What about the kind, loving times? I don't think they had much to do with me either. Both my parents had created mental pictures of me, of their dream-daughter, which had very little to do with me. I worked indescribably hard to be that dream-daughter, something I kept failing at naturally, and then felt bottomless guilt about failing, still do at times. Their love went to that dream-daughter, not the real me, except when the two overlapped by chance. And there is another part to the kind of love I got, often it was more about them needing my love, wanting to be loved. So a hug by my mother was more likely to be about her wanting to be hugged, wanting to feel loved (by the dream-daughter), not her loving the actual me and wanting to hug me as an expression of her love for me.

I don't think my parents, especially my mother, were able of real love, unconditional love. As a child I didn't know this, hence my trying to be the best child ever to gain their unconditional love; hence my trying to find ways to make those moments of love stable, non-conditional, and end the fluctuation of anger and niceness. As a child I just didn't have a word for what I experienced: conditional love, which isn't love but a transaction.

It was an experience of instability, of not knowing whether the ground I would step on next would carry or sink me. The same happened to my brother, which I witnessed. One day he was loved, the next day the target of anger. To this day I struggle with trusting others, feeling secure, because I didn't experience the initial safety parents ideally provide to their children.

Where does that leave me? Very much with nothing. The feeling neither to have been loved nor that their anger was truly for me. The latter sounds like it would lift a burden of me in an instant, unfortunately it is rational knowledge, the negative feelings about myself caused by the treatment of my parents have not magically gone away. While I have been able to do a lot of healing on it, still the guilt is there and I have plenty more work to do to buoy my self-worth. And the former, not having been actually loved, not having the safety of parental love, leaves a void.

The natural human tendency would be to believe that the loving moments were about me, while the anger was about them, I'm unable to do that anymore. I got tired of analysing whether in a certain moment the love was actually for me. And what would I end up with? A handful of instances where I was loved out of a whole childhood, a long adult relationship?

I'm really sorry so many here have similar histories. I guess in a way that is why we end up on this board.

[Hilltop]

This thread has been amazing to read. This is something I have also encountered with my own FOO.  The switching of nice to mean.  It is hard to understand if it is deliberate or if they are triggered.  I sometimes do wonder if part of it is manipulative because if they were nasty all of the time, people would not stay around for long however that intermittent niceness is just enough to keep others unsteady and confused.  Watching them I sometimes feel it's both.  I see at times they are triggered by something I appear to have said or done and at other times it comes out of nowhere. I do however believe they are aware of what they are doing at times as the behaviour is not done in front of others and when called out although there is no apology their behaviour is kind for a time after until I relax and then it starts again. I remember reading with N's that their thought process is literally only about themselves, that people would be surprised if they understood how little empathy there is in them. 

I like what others wrote about them being fragmented people.  Growing up with fragmented people means I am also fragmented, I have learned certain behaviours and I do react when triggered.  It has taken years to work out what is happening and to start healing.  Only difference I can see is that I am aware when I have been triggered and I can apologise.  However I was raised to take all the blame, to feel responsible and to feel it is all my fault. In being able to say sorry I have also learned that for a long time I was also apologising for being upset over abusive behaviour.

I think the nice part of them is equally as dangerous as the mean part because it's that nice part that sucks me back in, it gives me hope, it makes me feel like I can open up and be myself only to be sorely disappointed when I am then mocked. More recently I am coming to a place of simply accepting I won't understand them or how they see me.  That the one person that matters is my own self perception.

[Leonor]

 

And I 100% experience what Practical speaks to, as well.

It is true that, as the old saying goes, "hurt people hurt people," and Philip Larkin's verse, "they @#€ you up, your mum and dad / they don't mean to, but they do." After many years of intense healing work, and just plain old getting old, I am at a place where - most of the time - I can view my parents as deeply injured people, children really, who lived in terrible pain, and feel empathy for them, and even gratitude: gratitude for what they gave me, and gratitude to be born into a time and place that allows me to do the healing work they were never able to do for themselves.

But if we are to fully accept the fragmentation of their personalities, and the honest truth of their trauma, we might have to consider that if the "bad" parts were not about us being unlovable, but a projection of their temporary inner distress ... Then the "good" parts were never about us being lovable, but a projection of their temporary inner calm. In other words, it's always about their inner state.

That's why they are unable to acknowledge any other reality besides their inner experience in a given moment. If their inner state is soothed, they cannot conceive of disturbance. And if they are feeling disturbance, they cannot conceive of feeling soothed. They can't "hold" another reality or experience in their psyche, even as a memory or as a possible future.

This is different than Marianne's ex, who was perfectly aware at all times of the impact his behavior would have on others, and changed his behavior to manipulate them.

At the same time, though, it is just as sad, because we children look so desperately for any crack in the fragments to sense a warmth or light or love peering through. Mommy or Daddy must know how much we love them, we think, and they must, somewhere, really love us too. The hurtful parts of them are parts, but not real parts - the real them must be just below the surface, and shines through in certain special moments that we keep trying, through best behavior or home-made cards or heart to heart talks or family therapy sessions or caretaking, to bring back or re-create. We work so hard to make it safe, not for us, but for our parents - to prove to them that it's safe for them to come out of the fragments and trauma and be that good, loving parent we "know" must be in there, somewhere.

It is excruciating to consider that the "good" fragments are fragments, too, and just a reflection of the parent feeling like their needs are being met and all is right in their little world. The loving behavior is not a recognition of who you are from a whole and authentic place in them, but a projection that you, like all the other little moving mechanisms in their lives, are working according to their expectations. The bad is all about them, ... And the good is, too.

It is so hard when we're talking about Mom and Dad, but the little child in you deserves to know that she is lovable and lived wholly, unconditionally, by safe grownups who see her, hear her, and embrace her. The longer she is encouraged to keep looking for that love from unsafe adults, the less safe she will be. Because she will keep reassuring and caretaking and hostessing and heart to hearting in order to bring forth the good, loving parent. She will keep trying to undo or make up for or out-love the parent's original trauma in hopes of convincing the parent that she, the child, is a safe person to love. And so she will make herself vulnerable, again and again, to the rages, the silences, the insults, the dismissiveness of the fragmented parent.

You, the healing adult, are the safe person to love and be loved. You can hold the different experiences and realities and histories at once, and you can acknowledge the hard times as well as cherish the good times. You are the safe loving parent your inner child needs.

 

[donutmoonpanda]

With distance, it's a little easier to see that these qualities can all exist in one person. It's when you're up close that the disparity feels very painful and disappointing.

I think many narcs have these dual versions, and the sweeter person is the thing that hooks us and keeps us hanging on with hope that one day it'll just be that sweeter person.

I can say with certainty that you can spend a lifetime rolling this coin over in your hand. You can spend years focusing on the good side. But in my experience, the coin always rolls over again, and the bad side is a monster, a monster I have to protect myself and my family from.

Wishing you peace.

[Boat Babe]

With distance, it's a little easier to see that these qualities can all exist in one person. It's when you're up close that the disparity feels very painful and disappointing.

I think many narcs have these dual versions, and the sweeter person is the thing that hooks us and keeps us hanging on with hope that one day it'll just be that sweeter person.

I can say with certainty that you can spend a lifetime rolling this coin over in your hand. You can spend years focusing on the good side. But in my experience, the coin always rolls over again, and the bad side is a monster, a monster I have to protect myself and my family from.

Wishing you peace.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

This has really become an interesting thread to me seeing the wise and helpful insights shared, and I wanted to thank everyone again.
   
I agree that this aspect causes the very familiar cycling, and so true it can be a coin you toss over in your hand your whole life. The coin that never lands.

I am VVLC with parents and have been for a few years. When I am in contact, all of these aspects are on full display so it really helps to have awareness. The knowledge is sort of like an armor to me and as the behavior plays out in real time, I can stand back detached and witness it and not absorb.

 

[NotCryingGlitter]

It's love bombing -- a way of control. The older I get, and the more I read here and also watch "normal" people react with their families, the more I realize that there is no justification for those calmer times...meaning, it doesn't excuse the abuse.

For someone who is in the rare circumstance that their abuser realizes their wrongs and attempts to correct them, then MAYBE the calmer times can be real. But in most cases, for abusers who won't acknowledge their wrongs, it's just another way of control AND gives them an "excuse" to use with other people -- "but I went to their dance recitals and baseball games"....leaving out "I also told them they should have never been born before slapping them in the face."

Love bombing is them going fishing for YOU -- the prey. The love bombing is the bait, and then it's hook, line, and sinker. Then you're caught and under their control.

Real love admits wrongs and makes an effort to correct them, because they don't want to hurt the other person.