NPD Mom at Son's School

[BuzzyBee]

My NPD mother discarded me and smeared me after my family and I left her home for a temporary stay while getting a new house.  We haven't talked.  The discard, the smearing, the outright not looking at me or acknowledging me at my sons birthday party. Showing my step sisters kids and her inlaws all the attention and making it clear, I'm enemy number one. I've stayed away. Contacted her only if I absolutely needed something. We are not on speaking or good terms anymore. I'm attempting to go NC but broke it to get my birth certificate she had I needed it to get my license. This undermining woman who can't even acknowledge my presence right now shows up at my sons elementary for "grandparent day." Uninvited by me and my husband she either had to stalk the school page or found out somehow. She did not ask. She said nothing to me. I found out by a pic on the schools page of her and him and MIL that I did invite. I was livid. I texted her as to why she would show up because she was not invited. She said he is his grandmother. I told her he is my child. I lost my cool. This is my kid. She did not go there out of love. It was spite. The evil look on her face in that picture said it all. It was like "you can't stop me." She has absolutely no boundaries. I called the school and made sure she was noted as not to have access to him. But get this, they said they can't police who has access on the special event days anyone could just pop in. I thought it was ridiculous.  How can I keep him safe?

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry about your mom's behavior. If you're not concerned about her physically harming your son, you could try not reacting to her when she does stuff like this.

[Leonor]

Whoa there, Nelly!

What school in this day and age claims to be unable to control who enters the building and has access to the children inside?

No matter where you live in the world, schools have an obligation to protect the children in their care.

Absolutely you are in your rights to insist that your mother not be allowed to enter the building during school hours while your son is in attendance and to have police called if she does.

You follow your mama bear instincts and keep fighting the good fight. You are 💯 in the right here and you are speaking not just for your child, but for all children at your school!

[Liketheducks]

The school absolutely can stop access.  They do it with noncustodial parents all the time.   That just plain spite right there.   Not cool!

[Cat of the Canals]

What school in this day and age claims to be unable to control who enters the building and has access to the children inside?

Exactly! What a preposterous claim to make. They can't? Or they're telling you they won't? I'd be making a big ol' stink with the school administration.

[SeaBreeze]

As someone who once listed both my uNPD mom and uNPD ex-MIL as "NON-approved" on my kids' emergency contact list at school, I very much understand how disturbing this is. That is concerning in this day and age if the school doesn't have better security at special events.

You stated you had no idea until you saw the photo. I am both curious and concerned as to why your son did not mention your mother was there. Did he feel caught in the middle and/or did she tell him not to tell you? And...At risk of stirring up more trouble than your PD mom has... I would ask why didn't MIL mention your mother was there?

[moglow]

Given the huge increases in students [without accompanying increased facilities or staff] I'd venture a guess the schools don't have staffing to screen every grandparent who shows up. Who's going to take on those who are denied entry and melting down in front of God and everybody? My guess would be, grandma "wanted to surprise him!" and made no mention that you were denying access [or the simple fact that grandparents "rights" aren't really as enforceable as one might think]. She may indeed have full on lied and cajoled her way in, claiming that you were good with it.

Well you're not and now the school knows it. Not to be a negative nancy but the next issue is: what about other school events, programs, sports, etc? You're gonna have to come up with a plan for how to handle it when she shows up, because now you know she will. And poor little buddy being used as a pawn in her game.

She'd get no more invitations and anything I need, I'll find another way however inconvenient. She doesn't get to walk all over me anymore!

[treesgrowslowly]

I am also with you on this. Schools can be miserable to deal with. Your school has admitted that they don't monitor who the kids interact with on their 'special event days'? In this day and age? Holy heck.

That is something to follow up on. If they can't keep track of which adults are in attendance and the event involved such close contact (which it sounds like it did, since you said there's a photo of your PD parent with your child) then maybe they are not organized enough to host such events.

I understand not taking attendance for events like a school concert- but that's because the adults are sitting in chairs in the audience - not interacting with the kids one on one.

Other things schools can do:

- not post event details on public open websites, and instead, post event dates and detail information only on their learning management site (i.e a site that parents are given a password to at the beginning of the year). This is the norm where I live. Or they send info via email, to the parents.

- where I live, they need written permission from parent to post photos of our children. You can request that no pics of your child are ever posted online.

I would calmly ask to meet with their administration to find out what their practices are.

Trees

[BuzzyBee]

I'm sorry about your mom's behavior. If you're not concerned about her physically harming your son, you could try not reacting to her when she does stuff like this.

Poison Ivy I don't trust her. I can't say she would or wouldn't but she better hope she doesn't lay a finger on him in any way. I know she is capable of manipulating him emotionally and harming him in that way. I do agree though that I never should've gave her attention about it now she knows how to press my buttons. I'm upset she knows everything about us or house, his school, his daycare. She been trying to recruit her family to guilt me into giving them his baseball game info. I can't post a picture without an interrogation. I'm a bit concerned they will never stop. The entitlement!

[BuzzyBee]

Whoa there, Nelly!

What school in this day and age claims to be unable to control who enters the building and has access to the children inside?

No matter where you live in the world, schools have an obligation to protect the children in their care.

Absolutely you are in your rights to insist that your mother not be allowed to enter the building during school hours while your son is in attendance and to have police called if she does.

You follow your mama bear instincts and keep fighting the good fight. You are 💯 in the right here and you are speaking not just for your child, but for all children at your school!

Leonor

Thank you so much. I emailed the principal and called the school but waiting to see if the principal says anything and if not, I will probably go in there. I'm just really let down right now about this situation. They said I should ask my mom myself not to come which I did but I do not think that will stop her. That will fuel her to do this more!

If they can't do anything about this my DH mentioned maybe pulling him out of these event days which I also don't like to do but it is an option. My son loves his school. We really like it too. I'm sad they are being a bit too trusting and naive. Maybe none of them have had a narc parent.

I worry that she will not stop. I really regret trusting her, she had stalking tendencies in the past many years ago with my brother but never me. She always discarded me. Now she's after my kids. Nope not happening. I've blocked her from my phone and am at the point of blocking her and the flying monkeys on social media. I have a feeling she will never quit she is triggered with entitlement and I swear she's going to run everyone off she has left and I feel like I have to move already and just purchased a home!

[BuzzyBee]

The school absolutely can stop access.  They do it with noncustodial parents all the time.   That just plain spite right there.   Not cool!

Liketheducks

Yes I totally agree and thank you I will note that when I speak with them next!

[BuzzyBee]

As someone who once listed both my uNPD mom and uNPD ex-MIL as "NON-approved" on my kids' emergency contact list at school, I very much understand how disturbing this is. That is concerning in this day and age if the school doesn't have better security at special events.

You stated you had no idea until you saw the photo. I am both curious and concerned as to why your son did not mention your mother was there. Did he feel caught in the middle and/or did she tell him not to tell you? And...At risk of stirring up more trouble than your PD mom has... I would ask why didn't MIL mention your mother was there?

SeaBreeze

I was a bit shocked my MIL didn't mention that my NPD mom was there. I actually called her and she said nothing about it. Then after I figured it she was there a couple days later I asked about the situation, and she said she didn't know how she got there but my NPD mom cried to her and said I wasn't talking to her (which is true but she left out that she equally was ignoring me) and she was so sad about not being invited to the event or my kids baseball games. Totally manipulative. I think my MIL seemed to try to stay out of it and maybe that's why she didn't tell me. I finally let her know that I haven't wanted my NPD mom around without our consent. MIL seemed to think my mom and I could talk it out. There's no talking it out with narcs!

I was definitely concerned i thought the schools had much better security and really was shocked. It was eye opening to say the least. I'm going to keep following up and hopefully get somewhere with this!

[BuzzyBee]

Given the huge increases in students [without accompanying increased facilities or staff] I'd venture a guess the schools don't have staffing to screen every grandparent who shows up. Who's going to take on those who are denied entry and melting down in front of God and everybody? My guess would be, grandma "wanted to surprise him!" and made no mention that you were denying access [or the simple fact that grandparents "rights" aren't really as enforceable as one might think]. She may indeed have full on lied and cajoled her way in, claiming that you were good with it.

Well you're not and now the school knows it. Not to be a negative nancy but the next issue is: what about other school events, programs, sports, etc? You're gonna have to come up with a plan for how to handle it when she shows up, because now you know she will. And poor little buddy being used as a pawn in her game.

She'd get no more invitations and anything I need, I'll find another way however inconvenient. She doesn't get to walk all over me anymore!

moglow

Lesson learned no more. She won't quit though. She's got her nasty flying monkey sisters which I blocked right away. When all else fails she will use anyone else she can and send them to me. I've blocked most of the ones I anticipate. And then now insert a brand new fear, her showing up unannounced especiallyaround my kids. My son is too kind hearted for her games and crying  and lies. He would buy right into it to make her happy thats just the kind of guy he is. Unfortunately he doesn't know her the way I do and is too young to grasp the full situation so IDK what I would do if she shows up somehow and pulls this again. Maybe start talking to lawyers! It's sad. I did not think she would do something so scary behind my back while she is in discard mode. Makes me sick!

[treesgrowslowly]

When I had those fears, I spoke to a lawyer. I was assured that (where I live) grandparents do not have the right to push in and establish more of a relationship with the grandchild, than the parent is allowing. In other words, if the history for that family, is that the child sees that grandparent 1 or 2 times a year, even if the grandparent tries to get more access, the courts (where I live) would not grant them rights to any more than what the pattern already has been. But that varies by state and which part of the world you're in.

Talking to this lawyer helped because she took my concerns seriously. It was clear during our conversation that she had dealt with this before, and that I was not the first person to ever ask her about this. During the conversation she didn't gaslight me or suggest that I "work it out" (which we all know is not an option). Even that helped me to feel like my feelings were valid.

Trees

[Leonor]

This may be difficult, but ... Is there any way for you and/or your husband to be present at the school for event days or times?

And if you are in the US, the only adults allowed on school grounds during school hours are those expressly given written authorization by the child's parents. Even I had to be buzzed and signed in at the principal's office before entering the lobby, and I had 3 kids there since 4k!

Your mom is trying to make you feel powerless. You're not! You go be that mamma bear for your little ones!