Advice on how to respond when others say how wonderful your parents are/were?

[countrygirl]

Hello,

My first cousin and I have discussed how annoying it is to have to hear how wonderful our abusive mothers are/were.  She told me she once ran into someone who'd lived in their neighborhood when she was growing up, and the first thing this woman said to her was how wonderful my cousin's mother had been.  My cousin said she thought she would have to scream if she ever heard that again, especially since she lived a distance from where she'd grown up.  I replied that one reason I didn't want to move to my family home was that I wouldn't be able to do so much as buy cereal at the grocery store without hearing how wonderful my parents had been, especially my father. 

This topic has been on my mind a lot, since we are in fact considering moving back to my hometown, where so many people thought so highly of my parents.  Someone suggested I say, "Well, they had a good public persona." Once I tried saying this to someone, a distant relative, over the phone, and they totally ignored it.  I just have a feeling that saying it won't work.   

I wonder if saying, "They were complicated people" would be a better choice. Does anyone agree? 

Sometimes, I think that I don't want to move back there because I don't want to hear how wonderful they were for the rest of my life.  But I love the area, and have always planned to move back.   

I know that people mean well when they praise my parents to me.  My parents had such polished surfaces that I"m sure it doesn't occur to people that they were not what they seemed. 

Part of the time, I think the best thing to do is just to say "thank you" and let it go.  Other times, I think that by speaking the truth, I could be helping the next person who is thinking how no one would ever accept that their "nice," personable parents are abusing them. 

One reason I so appreciate this board is that here there are people who get it.  Over the years, when I have opened up to some people they just can't accept that my parents were abusive.  I have pointed out that there are so many films, books, TV programs, internet articles about abusive parents, and often these people were seemingly normal; in fact, often appearing above normal, in public.  Not to mention that there are famous examples of serial killers who have impressed others as being intelligent, interesting people.   

Once when I was in my hometown, a friend told me that her mother always said what "a perfect lady" my mother was.  I replied, "That just goes to show you that sometimes when people appear to be perfect it's because they are working overtime to hide something."

Ever since we have talked seriously about moving back there, this topic has been on my mind. My therapist feels that if I moved back I could make the place my own, but I wonder whether this task would be too daunting.

I would greatly appreciate if anyone else has found a good way to deal with being told how wonderful their abusive parents are.  Any advice, sharing of similar stories would be very helpful.
 

[NarcKiddo]

It irks me, too, but as you say, most of the time people are trying to be nice, or at any rate trying to be polite without having any particular knowledge of the person they are praising.

I think in most cases a non-committal and un-thrilled "thank you" without indicating any sort of agreement might allow you to be true to yourself without causing a big discussion. If the person is sensitive enough they will pick up on this and may indicate they would be open to further discussion. Then it would be up to you if you wanted to have that discussion.

If someone knew the parent more closely and still enthused over them then you could possibly try to disabuse them of that notion if you think it would be helpful (to you) or just leave it on the basis they are just a flying monkey.

In the discussion with your friend you had an ideal opportunity to set the record straight, and you did.

[countrygirl]

Thank you, NarcKiddo.  Your advice is always good and right to the point!

A lot of people did know my parents, through civic and social situations, but didn't know them closely.  I agree that a simple thank you--without elaboration-- would allow me to be polite with these people, while remaining true to myself, as you say.

Some people who knew them a bit better have enthused to the point that it's almost unbearable to hear.  I'm standing there thinking, "You did not KNOW my father or mother, but I sure did..."  In the future, if these people don't back off, I will have to say something.  Maybe I'll just say, "Father, or Mother, was a complicated person."  Let them think what they want.  If I were in their shoes, I would think:  "This adult child is letting me know that this parent might not have been who they seemed in public."

As I'm writing this, I remember once saying something positive about someone's parent who had passed, and they corrected me.  I then apologized, saying that I should have known better, because my own parents seemed one way but were actually another. 

And your'e correct that it was an ideal opportunity to speak the truth to this friend.  We hadn't know each other when we were younger, so this was the first chance I'd had to speak with her about both of our parents.

 

[moglow]

I tend to not respond to people telling me about my mother - I had a very different experience and may not know that person they speak of at all. She can/could be very charming and charismatic when she chose, and people were drawn to it even if it didn't seem to last long. Once she feels comfortable the claws come out and don't much go back in unless she wants something. So I smile politely and let them have their moment.

Years ago I posted something on facebook for my Daddy's birthday. An old school friend piped in that she never saw me post anything about my awesome mom. In my head: No Carrie, you don't. And you won't. It's twofold on my part but you have no right to that information and I have no reason to share it with you. 

In reality: I stepped away from the keyboard for a while, then went back and thanked various people for their comments. Hers? I quietly deleted it and blocked her. She's not my friend. She knew enough to know I rarely visited my mother, and had noted that I never mention her. There's a reason and it's mine. She can have whatever relationship she wants with the woman, don't tell me how to have mine.

Not everyone deserves your pain, is what I'm saying. I don't hide it or lie - I share selectively and continue to work at not being haunted by her.

[countrygirl]

Hi moglow!

I always read your Hawthorne quotation.  I am a big Hawthorne fan, and was thrilled to visit the house where he first lived with his wife, Sophia.  They inscribed their signatures on a window pane there, using Sophia's diamond ring.  His writing desk is in that room.   

"Not everyone deserves your pain."  What a profound sentiment that is.  It immediately rang true to me, and it's a good mantra.  I am going to spend some time pondering it. Sharing one's truth can be like "casting pearls before swine" if you share indiscriminately.   

I also know exactly what you mean about trying not to be haunted by your mother.  I am haunted by both of my parents, that's for sure.

Hawthorne hated hypocrisy and judgmental people.  Your old school friend was certainly judgmental.  I think you  were right to step away from her. 

I feel that both you and NarcKiddo are saying to be true to yourself.  This is definitely what I want to do.     

[moglow]

CG, that person had long since become an acquaintance, and that actually made it more offensive to me. She really has no clue about mother, but to choose that place and time? And "publicly," no less?  No ma'am. She was trying to make a point. I was told later that "someone" actually repeated her words to mother. Brother told me that mother's response to it was predictable and not nice.

I'm very much a be true to yourself person, and I believe that should be done without harming others. I don't have to absorb their animosity, ya know? I lived that with mother, poisoned myself with it. My life and every one around me deserves better.

[Cat of the Canals]

If it was someone I wanted to confide in, I might gently set them straight. If I trusted them but didn't really want to get into it, I think "She/he/it was complicated." is a good one.

But in most situations, I'd probably say something like, "That's kind." In some ways that's a truer response than anything else. They are making a kind statement... undeserved and inaccurate, but kind, nonetheless. "Thank you" is also suitably MC, but I just can't see myself thanking someone for that.

[NotCryingGlitter]

This is one of the biggest reasons I want to move to an area where people don't know them. So I can feel like I can truly start over. It will be sad not being able to interact with people that knew my passed-on angels and hear those stories, but the most important part is holding onto every memory I have of those angels. But I have to unfortunately accept not having those interactions in order to be around all new people.

[sunshine702]

Sometimes I will purse my lips ever so slightly and say something warmly like "Oh I am glad you had really good time  with my mother at her store.  Yes it it lovely isn't it!  Although  I have more difficult relations with her. If they ask further I will explain a bit.  If not I have validated their half and said my truth.

My dad is also "big guy in small pond" fame junkie.    They are always trying to get notoriety and recognition in our small town. Example - Our dog got an obituary in the town newspaper my father was seen out walking with him very prominently around the green belt area.  They never got another dog though.  It was about being SEEN mostly I think.   The last time I was home I had to pick up a car I bought from them.  I was waiting around downtown for this beer festival to open and someone who knew him from work gave me an ear full. It was a lot.  So the opposite I am careful not to unleash on some poor stranger as well. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

I was never in this situation much, because honestly everyone in our small town regarded my parents as rather odd. We never quite fit in. But just the same, I moved away and pretend the place doesn't exist, mostly. So I really feel for you in tackling this question and I think you are brave to claim your own home turf. For me going back wouldn't be about getting out from under the fake shiny persona, it would be about the shame of having been a (my maiden name) and remembering how much I always felt I didn't belong here. It seems there's an element of shame here for you too, though, perhaps, of having your parents' public face be implicitly believed and your story de facto invalidated, even by those who just can't know what they don't know.

That said, I think any or all of your approaches would be fine. There's no perfect way to handle it that's going to rewrite the narrative for the whole world and be perfectly classy and perfectly honest. I think part of being strong in yourself is that you believe your own story and that is enough. To really truly believe deep down that what other people think of you or your parents or any of it is none of your concern. If you don't care to go there, "Thank you," covers your bases. "Yes, she could be a charming woman," is classy and vaguely challenging the narrative. That probably as far as I personally would be willing to take it. In a surface-level interaction, definitely.

In 99% of these cases of really this is just small talk it would not be good manners to go full out, "Amazing how normal abusive parents can appear, isn't it?" That's just not fair to your interlocutor. She was probably just trying to be nice. It's not fair that you are in that situation in the first place, absolutely. But it would be embarrassing and running a smear campaign, no matter how true, just isn't called for. Am I right in interpreting that your parents are deceased? They can't hurt you any more. They worked so hard for that public persona, they can have it. It really does have nothing to do with you and your worth. See above about being detached from other people's opinions, and trying to take back the narrative is somewhat counterproductive to this.

My parents are still living, and I live elsewhere, but it has still come up for me. I recently did decide to be a little more honest than my usual, "Oh, unfortunately I cannot be in contact with my family, there were serious problems." I wish I hadn't. It didn't go badly, not really, but... I didn't really need to. It would have been better left unsaid. Because it invites conversation. Or they feel obligated to entertain that conversation. Either one. I just don't want my parents to be a factor in my current relationships anymore. I hope that helps.

[SafireJem]

When parents are very skilled at presenting a polished public face to the world, it is very difficult for those outside the family to comprehend that the parents' faces at home were so markedly different.

I haven't encountered this scenario - probably because both my parents' narcissism leaks through into their public persona, so they don't have very polished public images - but if it happened, I might say something like, "Families are complicated, let's leave it at that" or "That's the impression you and others have, but what goes on behind closed doors is very different." So, something direct enough to tell the person that their view is at odds with what you experienced, while leaving it broad enough for you not to have to share all the gory details, unless you feel comfortable doing so.