My uPD husband has died

[GentleSoul]

Gentlesoul, I thought of you just yesterday!
I'm so happy you're living your best life, and seeing narc behaviors before they can get to you!
Congratulations to you, and good to hear from you

Thank you so much, Losing Myself,   that is very kind of you. 

I wanted to offer hope that recovering is very possible.  It has been hard painful work but so worth it.   Probably more to come but that is ok.   My "fight or flight" is now switched off and back in healthy balance rather than being stuck on all the time.    That has taken a fair while to happen. 

The deep calmness and peace I feel is new to me.  I think this is the first time in my life I have been able to be this way.

Sending best wishes to you.

It is wonderful, a real gift. 

[WearyHusband]

Gentle Soul, so thankful for your responses here. So sorry for the loss you've experienced. You've done so well.
I agree with SoT. Please keep us posted. Your reflections about life after a long term relationship with a PD bring me hope and clarity.

[GentleSoul]

Gentle Soul, so thankful for your responses here. So sorry for the loss you've experienced. You've done so well.
I agree with SoT. Please keep us posted. Your reflections about life after a long term relationship with a PD bring me hope and clarity.

Thank you, Weary Husband.  Great user name, I was a Weary Wife.  It was all so terribly draining to be around my late husband.   

I was sharing in another thread how now I am away from the sad situation, I can more clearly see the damage of the stress of living in that unstable environment.  It is so very damaging to us.  Our physical and mental health.

I am very thankful that I seem to have got away with surface damage which is now repairing.  I do feel had I had the intense stress for some more years, my physical body would have had severe illness.

I was commenting to a friend yesterday that my interests and hobbies have changed now.  The things I did when late hubby was here now repel me.  This happened gradually over the months.  New, fresh interests and hobbies now are appearing in my life.   ALL of them nice and quiet and relaxing!!

I am certainly not a thrill seeking type of lady.  I have had quite enough toxic "excitement" in my life.

Also my eating habits have gradually changed.  I eat very healthily but now my choices have opened right up.  I make the most gorgeous meals for myself.  I sometimes look at them and am amazed.  I used to eat very dull food before.  Also the same meal over and over, now it is like a door has opened for me. 

Possibly I was very shutdown from being around the chronic stress.

I notice my mind is very clear and sharp again.  The fog and fug of the stress has lifted, like the cobwebs have been blown away!  The rusty wheels have been oiled!  All in good working order  now.   

Sending out positive thoughts to us all.

[SonofThunder]

GentleSoul,

So nice of you to continue supplying us with this process of recovery.  It's interesting to read how your interests have changed.  It appears that the real GentleSoul is emerging from that long time in the PD cocoon of stress to this butterfly of self expression and freedom to explore, find and develop your own skills and natural talents. 

In addition, the clearer mind is interesting to read as well.  Good to see you here and best wishes as you continue to spread your wings. 

SoT

[GentleSoul]

GentleSoul,

So nice of you to continue supplying us with this process of recovery.  It's interesting to read how your interests have changed.  It appears that the real GentleSoul is emerging from that long time in the PD cocoon of stress to this butterfly of self expression and freedom to explore, find and develop your own skills and natural talents. 

In addition, the clearer mind is interesting to read as well.  Good to see you here and best wishes as you continue to spread your wings. 

SoT

Thank you for your lovely note, SoT. 

Indeed emerging from a cocoon of stress is a beautiful way to describe it.  I recall his words causing a physical reaction in my body.  Even when he was being "nice" as I knew it could swing any moment. 

I feel no need to have a protective armour around myself now. 

A few days ago I noticed myself happily singing along to a song and then I remembered I had stopped singing many years ago following comments from late husband about how awful my voice was.  Guess what, it isn't awful at all. 

Onwards, the cage door is open.

Sending kind thoughts and prayers to you, SoT

[SonofThunder]

GentleSoul, thank you for the thoughts and prayers.  I'm so glad to read you are now singing again!  It's interesting how parts of us are slowly eroded by the PD's in our lives; so steadily chipped away over time that the real 'me' starts to resemble the shape the PD desires.

Recovering the real 'me' while remaining with a PD is a laborious crawl indeed, but can be done to a point, as I am doing at this time with the Out of the FOG toolbox in full operation. But it's like being in a small boat trying to make it out to sea through the towering waves of the shoreline. 

It seems that when/if the seas calm, as in your case with your 'fight or flight' turned off, that ship of self-recovery is able to make it to open waters much faster, although still painful.  I look forward to hearing of more GentleSoul self discoveries being revealed in the steady yet difficult work continues. 

SoT

[GentleSoul]

GentleSoul, thank you for the thoughts and prayers.  I'm so glad to read you are now singing again!  It's interesting how parts of us are slowly eroded by the PD's in our lives; so steadily chipped away over time that the real 'me' starts to resemble the shape the PD desires.

Recovering the real 'me' while remaining with a PD is a laborious crawl indeed, but can be done to a point, as I am doing at this time with the Out of the FOG toolbox in full operation. But it's like being in a small boat trying to make it out to sea through the towering waves of the shoreline. 

It seems that when/if the seas calm, as in your case with your 'fight or flight' turned off, that ship of self-recovery is able to make it to open waters much faster, although still painful.  I look forward to hearing of more GentleSoul self discoveries being revealed in the steady yet difficult work continues. 

SoT

Hello SoT

I very much agree that we can only recover to a certain point whilst still with the PD.  As you say, we still need to use our Toolbox to protect ourselves and while we need to do that, we simply cannot be our real selves completely.

[GentleSoul]

I popped back to share something that is helping me heal.  Physically heal.

There are some exercises to help reset our nervous system after it has been stuck on high alert for so long being around a stressful PD person. 

It is the vagus nerve in the body which seems to pretty much affect every part of our body.  There are very simple exercises you can do to reset it and make you feel safer.  On You Tube.  Just put in "vagus nerve" they come up.

I am finding them a big help along with breathing exercises.

All the best to everyone.

[SonofThunder]

GentleSoul,

Thanks for the physical health tip!  I have read many accounts of physical healing alongside the emotional healing after being out of the daily barrage of the high alert mode.  The book 'The Body Keeps the Score' was very eye opening for me regarding the physical toll because of the prolonged emotional turmoil.   Thoughts and prayers for continued progress in you're praying healing.  Cheers to you.

SoT

[tragedy or hope]

Gentle Soul,
Everytime I log on and see your topic, I say a little prayer for you. Your shared journey through this is very meaningful. Thank you for staying with us.

[GentleSoul]

Thank you, SoT and Tragedy Or Hope for your very kind thoughts and prayers.  I appreciate them.

I don't visit here as much as I used to.  Today I logged on to share as a source of hope and encouragement to everyone how much better I feel physically.  I really feel I have turned a corner. 

Am so much better, physically and mentally.  All pain and stiffness in my body gone.  My mind feels free.   

All my senses are far more sensitive and feel like they are working fully again.  I feel fully connected to the world again. 

All cptsd has gone.  I have worked through and cleared all triggers.  I feel very calm and capable.

I feel, and I write this with a smile - normal!!! haha.

I am interacting with people comfortably and well again.   Enjoying people.   

I hope my update helps others.  We can come out of the end of this.   We can heal.

[SonofThunder]

Thank you, SoT and Tragedy Or Hope for your very kind thoughts and prayers.  I appreciate them.

I don't visit here as much as I used to.  Today I logged on to share as a source of hope and encouragement to everyone how much better I feel physically.  I really feel I have turned a corner. 

Am so much better, physically and mentally.  All pain and stiffness in my body gone.  My mind feels free.   

All my senses are far more sensitive and feel like they are working fully again.  I feel fully connected to the world again. 

All cptsd has gone.  I have worked through and cleared all triggers.  I feel very calm and capable.

I feel, and I write this with a smile - normal!!! haha.

I am interacting with people comfortably and well again.   Enjoying people.   

I hope my update helps others.  We can come out of the end of this.   We can heal.

GentleSoul, this is such an encouraging post to read and I am so glad for you on your tremendous progress in healing.  Your updates greatly help me understand what is possible, should a situation arise for me, in which i am free to let down my guard and let my own healing begin. 

Thanks again for returning with your updates.  Cheers for you!

SoT

[Pickles66]

Hello Gentle Soul.

I joined this forum quite recently, having been here a while back, when going no contact with my NM. I came back because of issues with adult children, after the death of my H nearly two years ago.

Reading this thread was astounding. My story is so similar. I hope you don't mind if I share it.

Pretty sure I already had cptsd from childhood abuse. Met H, who felt like my saviour, had three children, including autistic twins. So much stress, but the family narrative was that my mental health was the problem. I was constantly having therapy and trying new medication.

Husband was very unfit, did not care for himself, probably alcoholic, but had a good job. He was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumour and died within seven months.

The months before diagnosis, he had decided he wanted a divorce, changed everything financially, told our children that they were his now, and I was not part of the family anymore. They went along with this fully and I was distraught. He never went to the doctor, blamed me and went to a divorce lawyer instead.

I did look after him as best I could, and with little support from our adult children. He was so, so angry.

As I said, he died very quickly, and every change you talk about in yourself, is something I recognize. The feeling of peace, fybromyalgia gone, enjoying life.

I never, ever considered that there was anything amiss with him. Everything was my fault, but the massive change in my life has led me to question his role in our marriage, and I am starting to wonder if he had covert narcissistic traits. It does seem to fit.

Your story seems very validating to me, and I thank you so much for sharing it.

I wish you much more peace and happiness in the future.

[Mary]

I am so sorry all of this happened to you! You were so strong to be there for him until the end. So pleased at your recovery!
Mary

[GentleSoul]

Hello Gentle Soul.

I joined this forum quite recently, having been here a while back, when going no contact with my NM. I came back because of issues with adult children, after the death of my H nearly two years ago.

Reading this thread was astounding. My story is so similar. I hope you don't mind if I share it.

Pretty sure I already had cptsd from childhood abuse. Met H, who felt like my saviour, had three children, including autistic twins. So much stress, but the family narrative was that my mental health was the problem. I was constantly having therapy and trying new medication.

Husband was very unfit, did not care for himself, probably alcoholic, but had a good job. He was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumour and died within seven months.

The months before diagnosis, he had decided he wanted a divorce, changed everything financially, told our children that they were his now, and I was not part of the family anymore. They went along with this fully and I was distraught. He never went to the doctor, blamed me and went to a divorce lawyer instead.

I did look after him as best I could, and with little support from our adult children. He was so, so angry.

As I said, he died very quickly, and every change you talk about in yourself, is something I recognize. The feeling of peace, fybromyalgia gone, enjoying life.

I never, ever considered that there was anything amiss with him. Everything was my fault, but the massive change in my life has led me to question his role in our marriage, and I am starting to wonder if he had covert narcissistic traits. It does seem to fit.

Your story seems very validating to me, and I thank you so much for sharing it.

I wish you much more peace and happiness in the future.

Hello Pickles

Thank you for sharing your story.  I am glad you found my story validating, I think that is an enormous issue in all of this, as you touch on we end up wondering if it is all us, our doing or our outlook. 

I can now see such a lot of what I did and thought was in direct response to late husbands lying, baiting and covert narc behaviours.  They twist around to being every one but them.

[GentleSoul]

I am so sorry all of this happened to you! You were so strong to be there for him until the end. So pleased at your recovery!
Mary

Thank you, Mary. Through the personal growth work I have been doing on myself, I can see that staying with him until the end was the right thing to do in our case.  I know he was terribly ill so the thought of going through a divorce with him seemed very dangerous and pointless.

I knew he would turn and be as utterly horrible as possible if we did part, try and destroy me, that the physical and mental damage to me would be far worse than sitting it out and me living in Medium Chill with him and his covert narc behaviours.

I reached out yesterday and had some counselling to help me with the ptsd from this abuse also the virtually identical abuse I lived in growing up.  I can see how clearly I unknowingly repeated the pattern.  I was attracted to what I knew. 

I won't be again, I am now healing.   

The counsellor recommended this site to me, I laughed and said I knew it well and it had been a life saver to me already.

[GentleSoul]

Just checking in really.  I continue to move forward and recover from being around a PD person for so long.

What I am discovering is just how dysfunctional I was to be attracted to a PD.  I am uncovering the layers back to my childhood trauma. I can see exactly why a PD was the perfect choice of husband for me.   

Another comment I would share is what a shock it is to be purely having focus on ME!  Having had most of my focus on narc/alkie hubby for about 15 years, it was very unsettling to "see" myself. 

It was literally like there was a block between me and reality. 

I recently looked in the mirror and realised I had aged 15 years.  I am not saying this is critical way of my appearance as I like how I look.  I just could not "see" myself while husband was here.    My inner view of what I look like is from before we got together, my brain didn't update it.   In computer terms, the upload feature was switched.  This applies to many things in my life, I am using my appearance as an example.

I hope this makes sense to members here but is rather like I have woken up from a 15 year coma.  Seeing myself and the world 15 years later. 

Hope everyone is doing ok and staying as safe as is possible around PD people. 

[SonofThunder]

Hi GentleSoul,

Great to read an update from you!  Glad you are continuing to move forward and recover.  Very interesting regarding your brain having been operating without a you-update in the last 15 years, as your operating system was possibly so enmeshed with your PDh.  Im so glad you are finally getting the update now and getting to experience more of 'you'. 

I find this very interesting and if i ever find myself away from a PD's influences, i wonder if i will write similar experiences.  Thanks again for dropping in for an update.  If you are a person who celebrates Christmas or some other regular event(s) this time of year, it will be interesting to possibly read of your experiences in these settings as well.   I wish you a joyous season! 

SoT

[GentleSoul]

Hi GentleSoul,

Great to read an update from you!  Glad you are continuing to move forward and recover.  Very interesting regarding your brain having been operating without a you-update in the last 15 years, as your operating system was possibly so enmeshed with your PDh.  Im so glad you are finally getting the update now and getting to experience more of 'you'. 

I find this very interesting and if i ever find myself away from a PD's influences, i wonder if i will write similar experiences.  Thanks again for dropping in for an update.  If you are a person who celebrates Christmas or some other regular event(s) this time of year, it will be interesting to possibly read of your experiences in these settings as well.   I wish you a joyous season! 

SoT

Thank you, SoT, you are always so warm and kind.

You describe it far better than I did so I thank you for that.    Indeed my "operating system" was completely enmeshed with late husband.    That is spot on.  The updates had not been reaching me.  So in the last few months a big update has been downloading into my brain and how I view the world. 

I wonder if you too will experience similar at some point.

I do celebrate Christmas.  In past years, as with many PD people they do seem to like to ruin special occasions and go out of their way to do so. 

Late uPD husband certainly did.  Last Christmas was horrendous.  That is the only word I can use.   He was horrible.  Completely.   Full of simmering rage and anger at the world.  Very very ill at that point too.  I felt full of despair and utterly utterly utterly exhausted.

However, this year will be the opposite.

This year I have already arranged a very lovely, low key, quiet day with my friend.  We will have some nice lunch, and then a gorgeous country walk is planned.   We chatted yesterday deciding what meals we want, I am later today going to order it all.  Is all pre-prepared, will be frozen when delivered to me in the next few days so can sit in my freezer until the big day.    Then will I just need to put them in the oven.

I do not want to be cooking from scratch, my days of stressing over meals are finished.  One of late husbands biggest weapons was the food I prepared for him. 

My pal is into curries so that will be ordered and a meal for me, along with some chocolates, Christmas pud, custard etc. 

It will be a wonderfully stress free day.    My friend is lovely, very calm, safe feeling.

No tantrums, no passive aggressive behaviour, no manipulating or any of the PD play book!! 

All the very best to you, SoT.

[SonofThunder]

Wow GentleSoul, that sounds SO wonderful! 

I look forward to a potential time in my life when  I may spend the Christmas period a bit differently.  In my home, from Thanksgiving until New Years Day, all is wrapped around all things 'doing'.  I have been refusing much of the desired work in recent years, but my uPDw has found other elves to do that which I refuse, and continue to make the Mrs SoT home a page from a trendy decor magazine.  In all fairness, if thats how she enjoys it, the great!   But, it should not happen at my expense. 

Little do any visitors and passers-by know what really lies behind the holiday facade but if it ever comes crashing down, they may know it was just a couple fruitcakes...

I wish you the best in your GentleSoul-planned upcoming Christmas season. 

SoT