My uPD husband has died

[GentleSoul]

Wow GentleSoul, that sounds SO wonderful! 

I look forward to a potential time in my life that I may spend the Christmas period differently.  In my home, from Thanksgiving until New Years Day, all is wrapped around 'doing'.  I have been refusing much of the doing in recent years, but my uPDw has found other servant-elves to do that which I refuse and make the Mrs SoT home a page from a trendy decor magazine.   

Little do any visitors and passers-by know what lies behind the holiday facade but if it ever comes crashing down, the Christmas fruitcake may just be revealed.  I wish you the best in your GentleSoul-planned upcoming Christmas season. 

SoT

Gosh, creating that facade sounds exhausting.  Well done for refusing much of the involvement. 

I love my home now, it is feels and looks lovely but is done for my comfort and joy not for outward appearance to show off to others.  So much of what PD's do seems to be for outward display. 

I have been slowly and lovingly working on my home.  Painting, replacing pictures, switching the rooms around.  A very fulfilling and private pleasure.  My home is my castle, I only ever invite my safe friend here. 

Anyone else I wish to see, I would arrange to meet up elsewhere. 

I do hope one day you can live in the peace I now live in.  Take care.

[SonofThunder]

Thank you GentleSoul. 

SoT

[Jumping Juniper]

Thank you so much for having the grace to return even though you no longer need this forum the same.

I am sorry for your loss and I hope for you full healing and happiness for the future.

Your posts helps me so much in that I live with an alcoholic who has so many problems. I am so all over the place that I don't know whether to post in "separating" or "working things out".

You were so brave and loving to stay there to the end. Alcoholism
Is so painful on its own but a PD on top is paralysing.
Thank you so much for your strength and your generosity to return here. Blessings

[GentleSoul]

Thank you so much for having the grace to return even though you no longer need this forum the same.

I am sorry for your loss and I hope for you full healing and happiness for the future.

Your posts helps me so much in that I live with an alcoholic who has so many problems. I am so all over the place that I don't know whether to post in "separating" or "working things out".

You were so brave and loving to stay there to the end. Alcoholism
Is so painful on its own but a PD on top is paralysing.
Thank you so much for your strength and your generosity to return here. Blessings

Thank you for your kindness, Jumping Juniper. 

I want to remain part of this community.  I found for quite a few months after husband passed I could only briefly stop by here.

As I was so emotionally raw myself, the pain expressed in the posts overwhelmed me.  I felt physically sick and unwell from reading and understanding the feeling the person in each post was feeling.

I stopped by a couple days ago and was pleased to find that this has eased down.  So I was able to read and empathize and understand without being affected as much, I could feel the pain and cried but it wasn't overwhelming.

I am so sorry you are in this situation with a person with a PD and alcoholism.  It really is a vicious combination.  As I was saying in other posts, it is only now I am starting to be able to see how terribly damaging it was to me mentally and physically to be in that environment. 

I am determined I will be 100% well and live a happy and fulfilling life, I have been working very hard on trauma recovery work.  Feeling huge benefit from it.  I have embraced the wonderful resources available to us now. 

Again with space now between it, I can see how well I did manage to cope using the tools I have learnt.  Had I not been actively using them, my life would have been horrendous and goodness only knows if I would have been able to continue living.  Of course at the time I thought I was imagining how difficult he was, thinking I was making a fuss about nothing.  All those things a PD person plants in your head.

Sending supportive energy to you.

[Mary]

I can relate to the Christmas drama. My first Christmas married to uPDh was such a horrible shock. He didn't get me one gift, a tradition I expected, and was just plain nasty. He refuses to spend time with my family at all, and I have come to really appreciate the fun time with them without him picking a fight about  something. I'm so pleased that you will enjoy a peaceful holiday.

You also said, "One of late husbands biggest weapons was the food I prepared for him."
Same here. I don't have this one figured out at all. To cook or not to cook, that is the question. What really gets me is that the kids have learned to chime in on the commentary/criticism of almost everything I make. I'm not trying to be Chef Boyardee. I want them to appreciate what I cook and eat! My challenge is to teach them that. Enjoy your pre-cooked Christmas cuisine!

[GentleSoul]

I can relate to the Christmas drama. My first Christmas married to uPDh was such a horrible shock. He didn't get me one gift, a tradition I expected, and was just plain nasty. He refuses to spend time with my family at all, and I have come to really appreciate the fun time with them without him picking a fight about  something. I'm so pleased that you will enjoy a peaceful holiday.

You also said, "One of late husbands biggest weapons was the food I prepared for him."
Same here. I don't have this one figured out at all. To cook or not to cook, that is the question. What really gets me is that the kids have learned to chime in on the commentary/criticism of almost everything I make. I'm not trying to be Chef Boyardee. I want them to appreciate what I cook and eat! My challenge is to teach them that. Enjoy your pre-cooked Christmas cuisine!

Hello Mary

Thank you for making me smile with your wordplay.

Oh goodness, sorry to hear that your kids have picked up on uPDH awful attitude.  Not good, hopefully you can reteach them.

When my late uPDH started refusing to go on visits with me, it was a HUGE relief.  As you say, it gave me some time to enjoy in a normal, stress free way with people I cared about.  Although coming back home to face  his inevitable foul mood was always traumatic

Thank you mentioning the food, a short while ago I had a sudden realisation.  This is what is happening in my trauma recovery, things suddenly appear and make sense. As my poor brain was so shut down to protect me at the time, I couldn't see much then.

With late H, whatever he did and however it insane it seemingly appeared on the surface, I realised over a long period there was always a grain of truth deeply buried in there somewhere.   He complimented and enjoyed my cooking for many years, I was confused when he weaponised it and was nasty.

I think a part of to express his frustration at being so ill but in there too was that due to his increasing ill health, he found chewing and swallowing difficult.

But instead of just telling me this which then meant I could very easily switch of to soft and easy to swallow foods, he launched an attack to criticise the foods he struggled with.  HIs attacks did result in me no longer making those foods he complained about. 

As time went on, I was able to see  how he choked and struggled to eat (he had hidden this from me for a long time) so at that point I changed him delicious soups etc.  No problem for me.

If only they speak up.  No, it has to be all hinted, manipulated, done in a criticising way.  Everything made into a personal attack.

There are quite a few things coming up now that I can see were to do with his physical illness getting worse but he didn't want to accept that he was hiding it from himself

I had another realisation about his armchair in his bedroom.  Late H used to say he had dropped his glass of whisky on it a lot. 

It was a gorgeous light grey, upright chair that I had picked out especially for his mobility needs.  He was delighted with it at the time.  Within a year or two he hated it.  It smelt unpleasant and had yellowie stains on the seat.   He also berated me at it being a light colour.  That I should have got navy or black.  I couldn't understand that.

I had to dispose of it quite some time before he died,  I was embarrassed by the smell when the chap took it away.

It was only after H passed I was chatting to my friend about what a shame the lovely chair was ruined by all that whisky late J dropped on it.  My friend said with great kindness said to me that it likely wasn't whisky dropped, it was incontinence that H was hiding by pouring whisky over it.   Late H also used to put whisky soaked clothes in the laundry basket.

This made me cry.  I feel is true.  Again, why can't they just say?   There are have been plenty of products and pads I could have got him.

[Boat Babe]

That really is sad Gentle Soul.

It's the vulnerability thing I see here. Adult incontinence is really hard to cope with at an emotional level as it shoots us straight back to being a very small child. It's a very emotionally mature person who can take it in their stride.

[GentleSoul]

That really is sad Gentle Soul.

It's the vulnerability thing I see here. Adult incontinence is really hard to cope with at an emotional level as it shoots us straight back to being a very small child. It's a very emotionally mature person who can take it in their stride.

Thank you for understanding, it is so very sad.  I think a big part of his shame was the alcoholism.

Some time later, after the chair incident, I did become aware of it as his kidneys failed, at that point medical equipment was put in place to manage it for him. I did it with upmost kindness, caring, compassion and respect for his dignity.  All things he would not have given me, of course.

It was only now that I realise the kidney failure must have started long before he was rushed to hospital with it when it reached crisis point. 

[Mary]

You wrote, "Again, why can't they just say?"

So true. It really puts a person in the mode of continually reading between the lines to understand, to have compassion. Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps validate my reality.

Mary

[GentleSoul]

You wrote, "Again, why can't they just say?"

So true. It really puts a person in the mode of continually reading between the lines to understand, to have compassion. Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps validate my reality.

Mary

Hello Mary, thank you for replying.

I found in this journey, the biggest help to me was VALIDATION.  My mind became so confused as to what was real and what not.

You are so accurate in that it puts us in a position of reading between the lines to understand, to have compassion.  Had late husband just spoken up, his life and my life would have been so much better quality.

I used to say to him that he spoke in breadcrumb hints, smoke and mirrors, tiny clues.  Yet he fully expected me to know what he wanted and needed.  Especially in his health care needs. 

So child like.  Which, of course, is the pure truth of it all.  Their arrested development.  Mental age of a young child in an adult sized body.   A demanding child.

[GentleSoul]

Just wanted to update. 

The healing and trauma recovery has been going well.   

At present though everything is really ramped up and painful.  My thoughts are that a breakthrough is near.  It feels like I am in painful little pieces scattered. 

The recovery seems to come in waves.  Always pain before big steps forward.  This is not just about late hubby, I think the biggest part is the unhealed childhood trauma.  The "why I am like I am" part. 

Every aspect of my personality is a trauma response to the insanity and danger I grew up around and then recreated in my marriage. 

So much of my life now feels very wrong.  Cringe feeling, un-natural feeling. Plain wrong.  All trauma coping mechanisms, I believe. 

Hence is like my very core or soul is being ripped away.  Leaving, well I don't know what yet.   My real identity is yet to form.

A lot of things have emptied out of my life.  I was writing in other threads about toxic friends fading away.  I can see the whole toxic friendship was based on me catering to feeding their needs, nothing in there for me.  So much of what I thought were my interests are not!  They too were feeding a trauma response or a way of getting (fake) outside validation.  Things I thought I liked, I don't.

I can see a lot of my reason for doing things came from a toxic place.  Now this has gone, my motivation to do things is very low.  I just don't care about a lot of stuff that I did care about.   Lots of people I felt the need to cater too, I don't care about.  Pretending to be interested in them when I am not!  Thank goodness that has gone.

Do you know, I thought for decades it was normal to find friends boring and exhausting!!  It isn't!   it means they are the wrong people for you.

I am slowly discovering what I do like doing.  Mostly quiet little trips out with my healthy friend.  Plenty of time on my own in between.  Just breathing and resting.    I am so shattered.   People are too loud, too much.   To draining.  I need my energy for me. 

When I go out walking on my own to listen to my music and enjoy Nature as I walk, I get very annoyed if I see someone who wants to join me.  No, go away.  This is my time. 

Someone I vaguely know recently said to me that I am so different now, I used to be far more cheerful.  No, actually what it was, was a mask to cope with the devastating effect of living with a covert alcoholic narc.  A fake, brittle, cheerfulness!   I used to hear my overly high pitched, slightly too loud voice chatting away to people.  Then as they walked away, I switched it off. Pure trauma response coping mechanism.  I still used it for the first few months after husband died as it didn't register on me that it was fake. 

I just did it to get by.  First step to realising was, as I say above, I could suddenly hear it.  It grated on me.  Once I became aware, I was able to gradually stop doing it.

I don't do it at all now.  So the people I bump into expecting me to be Miss Ray of Cheerful Sunshine are a little surprised!   There is an awkward silence then I walk on. 

I feel better for writing this out.  Yeah, the fake me is leaving.  I think the real me is a quiet, low toned voice person who listens more than talks.  Doesn't get involved.    Doesn't encourage other people to talk to me about their problems.   I used to do that A LOT, I think as part of earning my place in the world that I felt I needed to do. 

[GentleSoul]

I was just reading another thread and the word "REBIRTH" was mentioned.

Yes, this.  This is exactly what is happening to me.  Is very painful.

REBIRTH!   

[SonofThunder]

Thanks for sharing your experiences.  Very interesting how you are learning about who you truly are.  Sorry its painful in the process. 

SoT

[GentleSoul]

Thanks for sharing your experiences.  Very interesting how you are learning about who you truly are.  Sorry its painful in the process. 

SoT

Thank you, SoT.  It is surprisingly painful. 

[Mary]

I find it so interesting that you are relearning the real you and your preferred communication patterns. Your thread is very deep and thought provoking. Thank you.

[GentleSoul]

I find it so interesting that you are relearning the real you and your preferred communication patterns. Your thread is very deep and thought provoking. Thank you.

Hello Mary

Thank you for your kind post.

As time is moving along, I notice things all the time about my true self coming out.  I am accepting of them all. 

I was thinking yesterday I do not miss late husband at all.  Not him as a person.  What I do very much find is that my body misses the chemicals that were released in me all the time due to the toxic environment.  It feels like a an undefined yearning.  It is withdrawals.  My body still wants a "hit" of the highs/lows adrenalin, cortisol rush through my body, the breathless anxiety.  Exactly like an alcoholic or drug user experiences some time after they stop using. 

I observe this feeling within me, sit with it.  Am kind to myself.  A brisk walk works wonders.  Burns off this chemical feeling.

I sometimes get hit with tears suddenly.  Initially I thought was sadness for him, it is not.  Is is pure chemicals adjusting in my body.  Rebalancing.

My energy is so very different as it is coming from a different chemical in  me.  Not from a place of anxiety.  I heard it described as I was living in overdrive.  I can do far less  now as I am in proper healthy energy. 

The fight or flight that gave me the strength to keep going, keep going, keep going has stopped.   It was a horrible type of energy.

My reactions to everything are far more lower tone and healthy.  Everything was so over stimulated in me, being on red alert all the time.

Dealing with people is so much more comfortable. As I was writing about, the fake cheery persona I needed is completely gone and I don't think I could do it again even if I wanted to.

[tragedy or hope]

"I am slowly discovering what I do like doing.  Mostly quiet little trips out with my healthy friend.  Plenty of time on my own in between.  Just breathing and resting.    I am so shattered.   People are too loud, too much.   To draining.  I need my energy for me."

Gentle Soul, I am with you on this. People are sometimes too much. For me living with an unpdh was like having constant "static" going on in my brain. There is something diabolical in their presence as a partner/spouse.

My faith has been a considerable help, but being alone, quiet... is also very big for me. Nothing/no one is interfering with my thoughts now.

Thank you for your thread.

[GentleSoul]

Gentle Soul, I am with you on this. People are sometimes too much. For me living with an unpdh was like having constant "static" going on in my brain. There is something diabolical in their presence as a partner/spouse.

My faith has been a considerable help, but being alone, quiet... is also very big for me. Nothing/no one is interfering with my thoughts now.

Thank you for your thread.

You are welcome, Tragedy or Hope.

Beautifully expressed.  Yes, "static".  Exhausting.   

I am mindfully balancing my time. Protecting my energy,    All the best to you.