Panic......

[Liketheducks]

I've been VLC with my mom for the last 3 years.     Last year, she had a minor heart attack.    When I found out, I called her immediately and checked in.   She started screaming at me on the phone....."that I needed to fix this".   All I could think was....what exactly am I fixing?   The lifelong chain smoking.   The history of heart disease.   What?    I rallied my brothers, let them know that they'd need to go to her if anyone did.   Offered to make funds available to facilitate that.   No one took me up on it.  No one went.   Pretty telling.

About a month ago, I got a text from her again...."are we going to fix this, or let it stay this way?".   I think that text messaging leaves a lot of room for misinterpretation and said I'd be open to a phone call.    She said that wasn't acceptable.  But, texted a long, sincere sounding apology.   When I asked what she had in mind....she said she wanted to "enter the ring" with me.   Yep....no go.       
Given that that month was the 12 month anniversary of me finding out that my H was having an affair (we're working on it and it's going well, thankfully).....I messaged Mom that I was going through some things, travel, etc. and that perhaps we could talk in a couple of weeks (like now).   Fast forward to today.  Panic from my SIL where M lives.   She potentially had a heart attack yesterday and needs me, and only me, to drive her to the doctors.   Not an ambulance.   Not a cab.   Crazy.   
I'm NOT entering a ring with her.   And, funnily, I'm not hearing anything from M.....only the SIL.    It's cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.   I makes me feel SO anxious that I'm doing the wrong thing....but also that doing the right thing makes me a heartless bitch.   It's so crazy making.

[SunnyMeadow]

Enter the ring with you? WTH kind of thing is that to say from a mother who asks "are we going to fix this"? Oh that sounds encouraging for a loving, respectful relationship. 

You are not a heartless bitch, not at all. Who wants that kind of relationship? Nobody who heard how she acts would want a relationship with her. I could see my mother screaming "that I need to fix this" too. From her that means me getting back into good girl mode, going along with her crapola treatment of my family and I and politely listen to her waifing and moaning about her life. Forget that.

This must be very stressful, it would put me back into my debilitating, stress induced auto-immune disease so quickly. Please protect yourself Liketheducks.

[WomanInterrupted]

I'm with SM - enter the ring!?!? 

To me, that sounds like you're the punching bag and she's the one taking all the shots at you, so I wouldn't do it - and oh, gee - she may have had a heart attack and ONLY wants you. 

Sounds like she's chosen her ring, all right!   

Just because she wants or *expects* super-special treatment from you (this is where you get to start to make up for your many, endless "transgressions" against her  ), doesn't mean she's going to get it - or is *entitled* to it.   

If you or your SIL suspect she needs an ambulance and she won't call one - wanting only YOU - call one FOR her and that's that! 

She can send them away if she doesn't want or need them, but that'll be on her - and possibly the paramedics to determine.   

If she doesn't want to go to the hospital, that's on HER.  She's an adult and can make her own decisions - even if they're bad ones.

However, I find this whole thing suspect - she calls your SIL, who calls you, and then nothing happens -and that was yesterday? 

Sounds suspiciously like Makeitupitis.  UnBPD  Didi - my so-called "mom" always had a case of it, and it usually involved caaaaaaaaaaaaancer and dyyyyyyyyyyyyyying. 

She'd call here, wanting a ride to the hospital or ER - I'd tell her to have unNPD Ray (her husband, who lived in the same house!)  drive her or call an ambulance - she didn't like it, but tough.  I wasn't going to insert myself in an "emergency" or a real emergency, just because Her Waify Majesty felt like she needed some attention, cash and prizes.   

I'd do nothing but say I'd see what I could do about visiting - and what I could do was nothing but stay here and screen my calls.   

I advise you to do the same! 

Do *nothing.*  If your mom wants to go to the hospital, she'll have to put her big girl panties and call an ambulance, and do like the rest of us mere mortals - wait her turn in the ER for the appropriate testing and placement.

If she keeps calling others, telling them to call you - well, call an ambulance FOR her. 

That should shut her up.

It's up to her whether she utilizes it or not - and if she does, it doesn't mean you HAVE to do anything but go about your business.

An emergency on her part is NOT a crisis on yours.

You've GOT this! 

[Maxtrem]

The heart attack may not be true, but maybe it's an excuse for you to take care of her. Anyone in their right mind would have gone straight to the hospital after a heart attack and called their kids after the ambulance! And if you were a heartless bitch you wouldn't even question whether you were doing the right thing.

My mother often lied about her physical and psychological health to get me to take care of her. I don't know how to deal with her either and it's exhausting. She would have attempted suicide before Christmas, but personally I think it was staged, because her latest manipulations didn't work on me and she was losing control. Now she claims to have made 6 suicide attempts in her life. She even says that she would have made another one this year, when it was obviously food poisoning that caused her pressure to drop!   

Also, if your mother knows that this is a difficult time for you right now, she may deliberately draw attention to herself by making up a fake heart attack. As long as I'm going through something a bit difficult, my mother will bring attention back to herself by pretending that she is going through something worse. This may be one way your mother can tell you: you're going through a hard time, it's nothing, I almost died. Then you would take care of your mother and not the other way around as it would be in a normal family dynamic.   

You seem to be a very good person with a lot of empathy! I wish you good luck!

[workinprogress2018]

I am with all of the above.

Trust your instincts and trust your intuition and judgement about what's going on and what is right for you. It's crazy making but you are not crazy, you are rational and reasonable and adult and you care because you have a heart and a soul. Don't let that be used by others for their own selfish reasons.

If it helps, my uBPDM had a medical drama maybe 18m ago now, where she called late at night to say she'd fallen down the stairs, hit her head hard, not sure if she lost consciousness and felt sick and dizzy etc. I said it sounded like she needed to call an ambulance to get checked out. No no, she said I am sure it is fine. So I am thinking, OK, that's why you're calling me at this hour?? To tell me it's awful but it's actually OK??. Which is it??

Well you can't have it both ways, I thought, either it is an emergency or it isn't (a serious head injury is not amusing to me if true) so after we hung up I called an ambulance for her. She was MORTIFIED and she called to tell me so and demand to know why I had done it. She was most annoyed that the neighbours would have seen etc and would all ask what had happened, etc. Really she only wanted attention from me, (not the outside world), but I gave her way more than she wanted due to her waif/hermit blend!

It hasn't happened again. Definitely called her bluff and she was clearly fine so I didn't need to panic at the time that she was about to succumb to internal bleeding/brain haemorrhage etc.

[Liketheducks]

"Also, if your mother knows that this is a difficult time for you right now, she may deliberately draw attention to herself by making up a fake heart attack. As long as I'm going through something a bit difficult, my mother will bring attention back to herself by pretending that she is going through something worse. This may be one way your mother can tell you: you're going through a hard time, it's nothing, I almost died. Then you would take care of your mother and not the other way around as it would be in a normal family dynamic.   "

Interesting......

There is not a chance in hell that I would let her know what I'm really going through.     Not letting her into my head on that issue....no way!    Though, you make an interesting point.    I DID tell her that I was going through a rough time.  (That's the understatement of the century for childhood trauma victim who made Hubs out to be the magical safe place in my life).     Her response....was no response.   Clearly, the auto response to stuff my issues to take care of her's is alive and well.  Perhaps that's the most positive lesson I can take from this.   I Don't have to do that anymore.     
I organized a car to pick her up.   Seriously, I would have paid twice as much just to call the potential bluff.   She did have an appointment, but she's known about it for weeks.     I let SIL know to expect a car....and SIL tried to guilt me into...."how would you feel if your son hired a taxi...and you better let them know that she'll need a wheelchair, etc".   I told her that I have a different relationship with my son.   If anything, I over protect that kid given my upbringing.  Liketheducks is all about safe children first.   
Your comment also got me thinking.  No matter what transpires between me and DS, if he said "I'm having a rough time"....my first response would be to ask how he's doing and offer an ear or to help.....not the crickets I received.   Thank you for helping me to realize that.

[Liketheducks]

Sooooo, she's been admitted.   Still absolutely nothing from her.  SIL is going thick with me shirking my daughter duties. 
"Your assistance is needed regardless if it is requested.   Time to put feelings aside and take care of your obligations as a daughter"
I told SIL I wasn't going to engage in that conversation with SIL. 
She responded with "I'm not sure what that means, but I'm not her daughter and I cannot take your place when she needs me".       
Seriously.....I feel like an asshole....but what about the obligations of a mother to nuture and keep her child safe.     I'm not blaming her at this point in my life.....but we never had a real parent/child relationship.   I was the parent.   

It's a sucky situation all around.   

[Maxtrem]

but we never had a real parent/child relationship.   I was the parent.   

You don't have to feel bad at all! You said you've been parentified and your SIL is being manipulated by your mother. My mother also claims that I have an obligation to take care of her and even that I should feel the need to take care of her. This is absurd, any normal adult should be able to take care of themselves. When she threatens to commit suicide and I send the police to her home or tell her that she needs to see a psychologist, she says that I am shirking my responsibilities on others! You shouldn't feel guilty at all, it's her problem if she didn't go to the hospital on her own. Especially since it might be a set-up (everyone can be admitted).

[Liketheducks]

Yea....I thought of that too.   Any cardiac patient could be admitted for tests.    Funnily enough...SIL says she was kept over night last fall for the same - but no one mentioned it then.     Still not heard from M.  I ended it by telling SIL that I'd not add to mom's stress unless she reached out to me directly.   

[Andeza]

Good grief, you've got the flying monkey from Hell on your back. If SIL cares so darned much, let her step up! But honestly, people like that are extremely unlikely to validate your feelings, or even care that you have feelings at all.

Protect yourself and your sanity first and foremost, you've got enough on your plate right now to knock anyone down.

Enter the ring... the three ring circus more like it. I think given the circumstances, you've done admirably well. Now might be a great time to consider blocking some people for a little while since they presume they get to boss you around and tell you how to deal with your feelings at a very difficult time.

[Liketheducks]

I love it....three ring circus is just about right!

[WomanInterrupted]

I agree - if your SIL is so damned concerned, SHE can step up and do whatever it is she thinks you're supposed to be doing. 

I've been through this multiple times with both unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray.  I'm the only child, so there is nobody else - and I stayed FAR away, did nothing, wouldn't visit the hospital, rarely called and let Didi and Ray navigate the system without my help - help they *really* didn't need, but wanted so they could pretend we all had this wonderful, loving relationship.

What a bunch of hooey.   

Like you, I was the parent, but somewhere in my late 40's I decided my "kids" had to grow up sometime - which meant me doing absolutely nothing for them. 

I agree with Andeza - if your SIL is going to behave like that, blocking her is probably the best thing you can do.   You don't need to listen to that garbage - garbage that's completely unnecessary, because not every family just RUNS to the hospital the second something goes wrong!

It's true - except for FOO like ours, who insist on having this whole elaborate dog and pony show and parade of people, coming and going, to prove how loved and cared for they really are, when it's nothing but an empty show and a sham - we don't go to the hospital because we're concerned, but because it's *expected* and so your mom can show off to others. 

You're better off staying home - chances are your mom is still having a lot of testing done, nobody knows where she's going to be from one minute to the next, and it's not your job to chase her down, from department to department, then stand around twiddling your thumbs, waiting endlessly for this procedure or that.

Any time Didi or Ray insisted I had to come NOW to the hospital, I'd tell them I'd see what I could do, but couldn't promise anything. 

That was my stock answer - nothing was going to drag me to the hospital, to play their stupid games.

If, for some reason, your SIL manages to get through to you again, I'd remind her that not everybody has somebody within driving distance, your mother has a mouth and can speak for herself, and the next time your  SIL has the urge to call you and complain, she's MORE than welcome to visit your mom as often as possible, and leave you out of it. 

[Sweetbriar]

Don't let them drag you into that ring. What does that even mean? Like a boxing ring? It suggests violence. Psychological violence, is violence too.

Your job is to heal from a traumatic childhood.

I know my time is coming for a similar scenario, as both parents are in their 80's now, and I have a few FM's who can still contact me. Sheesh.

Take good care of yourself. Your mother created her situation, in that she did not nurture a loving relationship with her child, and still frames it in an adversarial way. That's so sad. You can't yell at someone to come help you!  She has no insight into her disorder. My heart goes out to you. My parents are exactly the same way, and they too will lean on that societal moré that says daughters must come to aid of elderly parents no matter what they did in past and present, even when that elderly parent(s) are the source of a child's PTSD.

I hope you can find a way to block SIL. 

[p123]

I am with all of the above.

Trust your instincts and trust your intuition and judgement about what's going on and what is right for you. It's crazy making but you are not crazy, you are rational and reasonable and adult and you care because you have a heart and a soul. Don't let that be used by others for their own selfish reasons.

If it helps, my uBPDM had a medical drama maybe 18m ago now, where she called late at night to say she'd fallen down the stairs, hit her head hard, not sure if she lost consciousness and felt sick and dizzy etc. I said it sounded like she needed to call an ambulance to get checked out. No no, she said I am sure it is fine. So I am thinking, OK, that's why you're calling me at this hour?? To tell me it's awful but it's actually OK??. Which is it??

Well you can't have it both ways, I thought, either it is an emergency or it isn't (a serious head injury is not amusing to me if true) so after we hung up I called an ambulance for her. She was MORTIFIED and she called to tell me so and demand to know why I had done it. She was most annoyed that the neighbours would have seen etc and would all ask what had happened, etc. Really she only wanted attention from me, (not the outside world), but I gave her way more than she wanted due to her waif/hermit blend!

It hasn't happened again. Definitely called her bluff and she was clearly fine so I didn't need to panic at the time that she was about to succumb to internal bleeding/brain haemorrhage etc.

Oh I've had a few of these phone calls "Cant breahte <gasp>", "chest pains <gasp>". I used to drive over when I lived closer - 10 mins away. I'd get there and bugger all wrong with him.

Now I live 30 mins away. Now I don't. I told him next time I'll just call an ambulance and they can deal with his madeupitis.

[p123]

Sooooo, she's been admitted.   Still absolutely nothing from her.  SIL is going thick with me shirking my daughter duties. 
"Your assistance is needed regardless if it is requested.   Time to put feelings aside and take care of your obligations as a daughter"
I told SIL I wasn't going to engage in that conversation with SIL. 
She responded with "I'm not sure what that means, but I'm not her daughter and I cannot take your place when she needs me".       
Seriously.....I feel like an asshole....but what about the obligations of a mother to nuture and keep her child safe.     I'm not blaming her at this point in my life.....but we never had a real parent/child relationship.   I was the parent.   

It's a sucky situation all around.

That conversation with SIL would have been a few swear words then ending "mind your own business".

Honestly, had similar with my brother. He ended up being abusive to my wife because she refused to step up. Great eh?
I started off asking nicely to leave it out, but it kept on. Dad tried to "intervene" and apologise on his behalf (Hes 49 years old he can do that himself if its genuine). He was the same. Best thing I ever did was block him.
Do that to SIL..... What would YOU miss out on if you never hear from her?

[Liketheducks]

Last night, I messaged SIL and let her know that unless I heard from my mother directly, I wasn't about to potentially add to the anxiety levels in a cardiac patient.   
I'm watching them burning up my phone on getting here home - that such transportation can't be just a cab, but also must include physical help from the bed to a wheelchair and then wheelchair to car.   Had a EMDR session today working on childhood trauma.  counselor advised me not to touch this with a 50 ft pole.   
What a shit show!

[Liketheducks]

Also find it interesting that my SIL, the nurse, has so little confidence in the medical staff where my mom is right now.   Don't they help with moving into wheelchairs????     Makes utterly no sense!!   

[Liketheducks]

After all that drama....I guess they figured it all out and the sky didn't fall.   I have this overwhelming sense of peace that I didn't get roped into that.   

[Liketheducks]

And....then.....
I received a phone call from my youngest brother....the one that doesn't have Mom living with him.   He spoke with mom, who is "heartbroken" about the state of our relationship - cries about it everyday.   Still, nothing from her, mind you.    SIL couldn't cut the mustard, I guess.   So, we have little bro playing good cop to her bad.   

[p123]

And....then.....
I received a phone call from my youngest brother....the one that doesn't have Mom living with him.   He spoke with mom, who is "heartbroken" about the state of our relationship - cries about it everyday.   Still, nothing from her, mind you.    SIL couldn't cut the mustard, I guess.   So, we have little bro playing good cop to her bad.   

Classic Flying Monkey Guild trip. How dare you? Cries every day. yeah right.

Ignore it.