Trying to remain sane while caring for injured PD mother.

[sharpobjects]

Hello! I'm the eldest daughter of a disordered mother. I'm not sure what her disorder is, as she would never accept getting diagnosed, but behavior is consistent with NPD.

I was healing. Reached some milestones in the past few years: moved out, started a healthy relationship, went to therapy for a while, and reconciled with my dad (who also went through emotional abuse). This year was probably the closest I've ever gotten to being content and at peace.

That was until my mother had hip surgery. She is home now, and I've been visiting every day for a few hours and helping out. Through the phone, she was all nice and sweet. We hadn't had a clash in the past several months. It made me think aiding during her recovery wouldn't be that bad. Maybe I was hoping she'd finally come to her senses after I moved out. And part of me felt that all too familiar pull of obligation and guilt — like I have to do this, which was immediately fueled by other family members automatically expecting it of me.

So I got to it, and of course, she started showing her true colors right away. Her favorite pastimes are still berating me and then making herself out to be the victim. Nothing I do is even close to good enough, but if I say I won't do it anymore, then I'm a monster for "abandoning her". All of it is very reminiscent of what I went through growing up in her house, and it's messing with my head. Sometimes I feel like a scared pre-teen again. I can't relax and I have no energy, so I've been neglecting parts of my personal life (work, relationships, and so on) because I'm so drained. I might've had a stress headache almost every day since I started visiting.

It's like this is pushing me right back into the FOG. And the worst part is that, for some reason, I can't bring myself to step out. Every time I try to step out, the guilt is crushing. It's like I'm stuck.

It almost seems easy, because I'm able to talk about this in such a factual manner. But in reality, I struggle to remember that I'm being treated unfairly. I still catch myself doing everything I can to avoid angering her, like a trained puppy. I keep going beyond what I said I would do, to see if I get her approval. I don't know why I feel responsible and still care about pleasing her. I don't want to feel this way, and I definitely don't think she deserves it.

I guess now I'm just going with the flow and waiting for it to pass, as I know it will. I just desperately want to continue my life away from her. But some days are so hard that I wonder if I'll make it through. I'm afraid of the toll this might take on my already fragile mental health, especially long-term. And most of all, I am tired.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello sharpobjects,

It is nice to meet you. I am a long time member here. I have been in the recovery process from narc abuse for many years. I admire your desire to stay Out of the FOG. It feels like a lifelong process doesn't it?

No one can take away the work we've done on ourselves, but they can disturb us and make us feel like they are ruining our recovery. I hope others share about times where they felt that too because I think it is common for us to feel this.

They can make us feel like all the recovery we've done in the past is going away, they can make us feel like oh no I don't feel recovered right now in the present, and their behavior causes us to wonder if we'll ever get back to any of the recovered states we had before they messed things up.

I think this is so easy for them, because they have not really grown up. Beneath their surface, lies the same pathologies that were there back when we were less recovered. As soon as we are interacting with them a little more often, their long-time anxieties and insecurities and dysfunctional stuff comes right back out - and onto us. They have not dealt with their stuff at all. Meanwhile, we've taken steps to recover.

This happens a lot when PD parents get sick or injured, and look to their adult children to take care of them.

(as an aside, I'm not surprised they go after their more recovered adult children so that we take care of them. We're the ones willing to set aside other things, to help them out. Their narc adult children 'can't find the time')

Here is what I see in your writing.

I see someone who is aware of the effect her parent has on her, and that it is not good. FOG sucks. We are a community here who knows how badly it sucks, and sucks us in.

I first learned about NPD almost 20 years ago. A lot has been learned about us since then - the adults who grew up with NPD parents. there is more and more information out there about the stuff going on for us, and what you describe. The pull of FOG, and the guilt and how big that guilt is for some of us.

I do wonder if you are pleasing her out of a need for approval, or if you are doing this as a strategy to deal with her moods changing too easily. If she is emotionally immature, than appeasing her is not necessarily the wrong thing if that is what will prevent her from getting even more upset that day. That said, none of this gives us the experiences we wanted with our own parents. Appeasing them just because they are immature and narcissistic, doesn't feel good. After we leave, we end up feeling miserable because appeasing narcissists doesn't feel good!

What is the minimum amount of time you could spend with her and is that the amount of time you are spending with her? or are you staying with her for longer visits, out of hope that she will be nice again in a few minutes. I ask because, I had to learn this. I had to learn that 4 hour visits were because I wanted to see if that person could start treating me better at hour 3. It never happened. Or seeing the parent every few days. I had to learn not to do that. I needed recovery time in between visits.

Do you think that keeping visits shorter will help?

Trees

[Cat of the Canals]

Nothing I do is even close to good enough, but if I say I won't do it anymore, then I'm a monster for "abandoning her".

A lot of us here have found solace in embracing all of the worst things our parents accuse us of and then practice saying, "So what?" We even have an unofficial "Bad Sons/Daughters Club." I call my mother once a month instead of multiple times a week like she thinks she's entitled to. I know she thinks (and even hints to others) that it makes me a bad daughter. So what? I'll even go a step further and say that I'm a terrible daughter! The worst! Oh well. Somehow I manage to soldier on. 

Something amazing happens when we stop being afraid of their petty judgments: the guilt disappears. We get off the hamster wheel of constantly trying to appease them and always trying to stay one step ahead of their criticism.

(There's a great video on this topic here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uNWOfXPRNEs)

[sharpobjects]

Hi, Trees! It's nice to meet you too.

A lot of your post hit the nail on the head. I am afraid of "losing progress" in recovery due to being in contact with her more regularly now. Sometimes I do feel a bit more confident in my ability to disregard her manipulation, but occasionally that confidence wavers, and I start to feel it sucking me in again. That's what led me here.

I do wonder if you are pleasing her out of a need for approval, or if you are doing this as a strategy to deal with her moods changing too easily.

This is a good question, and I think it's a little bit of both. I grew up learning the best way to avoid her angry outbursts, and even though it doesn't always work, it is a strategy that's ingrained in me. I learned the way she wanted things so that she wouldn't lash out at me. Unfortunately, I think it's also a little bit of need for approval. I know it's not going to happen, but I catch myself wondering if this time she's going to notice what I did.

What is the minimum amount of time you could spend with her and is that the amount of time you are spending with her? or are you staying with her for longer visits, out of hope that she will be nice again in a few minutes.

Do you think that keeping visits shorter will help?

I do think it might be better. But at this point I'm having trouble figuring it out because she still needs a lot of help, and I have family members pressuring me from all sides about it. Like you said, it seems like these people turn to me because I'm the eldest and sort of managed to get my life together. I have a younger brother who I wouldn't necessarily call a narc, but definitely a golden child. He's not doing half of what I am, and no one is demanding it from him.

Currently, the only way I could visit less would be hiring someone to care for her in my place. I've strongly considered this, but it's a big expense and relatives have shamed me for it, which in turn led me to change my whole routine to fit her. It obviously hasn't been worth it.

The other thing is that upon hearing of the accident she had, I felt bad for her. She required a complicated fracture surgery, seemed to be in a great deal of pain and unable to do most things alone post-op. I don't know why I thought she'd have some semblance of gratitude, maybe I just spent too much time away from her and forgot that she's incapable of such thing.

My partner is also encouraging me to visit less and let others figure it out, because her care isn't my responsibility. I've been grappling with that notion, as I know it's true but the guilt is stubborn. Seeing that others here have managed to keep visits to a minimum or even cut contact completely is reassuring.

Thank you so much for replying, it helped a lot! 

[sharpobjects]

A lot of us here have found solace in embracing all of the worst things our parents accuse us of and then practice saying, "So what?" We even have an unofficial "Bad Sons/Daughters Club." I call my mother once a month instead of multiple times a week like she thinks she's entitled to. I know she thinks (and even hints to others) that it makes me a bad daughter. So what? I'll even go a step further and say that I'm a terrible daughter! The worst! Oh well. Somehow I manage to soldier on. 

Something amazing happens when we stop being afraid of their petty judgments: the guilt disappears. We get off the hamster wheel of constantly trying to appease them and always trying to stay one step ahead of their criticism.

(There's a great video on this topic here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uNWOfXPRNEs)

I really like this approach! Good video too, thank you for sharing.   

I recognize I've always had that "fear" of being a bad daughter. But that's true. Why would it even matter if I was, anyway? She wasn't exactly a good mother.

In conversations, my boyfriend has questioned the fact that I care so much about what others will think of me, instead of staying true to myself and letting them think/say whatever they want, as it ultimately doesn't change who I am. I really have to work on that, because I do think it'll help me get rid of the crushing guilt. Oh well, one step at a time.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi again Sharpobjects (great name!),

Having our partners / significant others offer their perspective on our behaviour can be helpful - because they are observing this without being entangled / enmeshed the way that we are. They didn't grow up entangled with our parent, so they have an outside perspective.

Having someone shame us for how we dealt with our immature parents is never helpful, so I'm not talking about that.

But when someone in our life asks us "why do you care so much about that?" it can be valuable, if it gives us pause to think, yeah, why am I doing SO MUCH for this person in my life. Our SO's may be able to see the imbalance where we are giving a lot to someone, maybe too much. We can pull back on what we give.

That said, if your boyfriend does not understand the guilt piece, you don't need to defend yourself - guilt is a very normal part of being an adult child of a narc parent.

I think that guilt comes from how we were treated in childhood -which our significant others may or may not understand, depending on how they understand their own childhood. If they were treated well by their parents, and if they were not shamed as children, they probably won't be able to imagine how different things were for us.

Some people have a hard time imagining the emotional abuse that went on in dysfunctional families because their parents didn't have narc personalities. It can even scare some people to hear about what we grew up with because it is shocking to them that there are parents like that out there. 

In regards to your desire to care for your mother, your boyfriend may or may not understand how deep our own sense of guilt or shame might be rooted.

I understand that your mother needs someone to help her out right now, but my guess is that she is asking a lot of you. And she is the last person to really assess what she actually needs your help with, and what she just wants your help with.

With the people I've known with NPD traits, everything they want is a need, and everything they need is our responsibility.

I can't say what I would do in your shoes right now because no one can know all the factors involved. But based on what you've shared, I would explore this my self - what does she NEED (i.e. what can she not do physically right now, like she can't do a load of laundry because she can't get up or down stairs) and what should I put on the list of the things I'll do for her daily / weekly.

Because when we go to an immature parent without a plan for what we will and will not do for them, we're sunk. The more of an outline we have in our minds the better (i.e. "I'll do her laundry for her today, and set up her cable box but I am not going to run to the store for something she can wait for until next week").

This gives you an outline to work with while she's recovering from surgery. She's not likely to provide that is she?

And this is where you will hopefully feel less anxiety that she's going to set back your recovery work.

Because she's not mature enough to manage that 'outline' herself, you'll have to manage it, and you'll benefit from managing it. 

With my own disordered PD parent, I got to a point where I said to myself "I'll talk to them on the phone, but I refuse to talk about topic Z with them" and when they tried to talk about topic Z I said "you should not be talking to me about those personal problems of yours". The parent didn't listen (why would they, this person was a full blown narcissist) but it was more for me than them. It helped me to eventually learn to just end the phone call as soon as that topic came up because that person refused to honor my very reasonable request.

At the very least, hopefully you are able to do at least one thing each day, that is part of your recovery work, and is something you are doing because it is important to you (could be anything, but should be something that relates to your needs, and has nothing to do with her needs).

Trees

[Boat Babe]

Hello sharpobjects and welcome. You will get so much understanding and wisdom here. It's the best place on the Internet!

Perhaps you need tools and strategies to help you navigate this incredibly difficult time, not only round you deeply unpleasant mother but also other family members who are FOGging you. Check out the tool box!

I would suggest that you get yourself a trauma informed therapist if you can at all afford it. I would also spend less time with your mother and when you are there, use the "observe don't absorb" technique (Google it). I find that when I am with disordered people if I can label the pathological behaviors, I am able to not take them personally (even though they are aimed at me).
My elderly mother is now 91 and increasingly frail. It's not getting easier and I am the only child and competent adult in her life. I have decided to do what I can but to maintain strict boundaries for my own sanity and, as a result, for her long term support. You may want to write yourself a plan, with the help of your very nice sounding partner.