What are your stations in this forum?

[Empie2204]

My travelling through this forum started rather optimistically: first I was devoted to Chosen Relationships, Committed to Working On it and Common Behaviours.
Although I was in big troubles, I honestly wanted to cure my relationship, work on it and from time to time exchange experiences about the odd behaviours of our PDs.
Some posters who were on the other point of view didn´t interest me. I stubburnly believed that there is hope.
I superstitiously avoided  Separating and Divorcing.
Finally I ended there. In spite of my firm beliefs. Mostly because at the same time with deteriorating of my marriage I personally started to recover.
At my present stage I have some other values. (I never would have expected them before!)
Problems have a different name.

[GettingOOTF]

I tend to think of this place as one big forum. My station is the "Recent Updated" section.

I respond when I have personal experience to contribute. The only area I avoid is the Parents Discussion as I have no relevant experience there.

I was already divorced when I found this forum. After some time here and in therapy  I started to see how my upbringing influenced all my life choice and I went NC with my family. This place has been such a gift. I went through hell in my marriage and divorce as I had no idea other people experienced what I did. I thought my marriage was unique and of course that all the issues were my fault.

[ploughthrough2021]

I also recently joined but realized quickly that I had already passed the 'Committed and to Working on it' stage which I have been for a good 10 years without being of this site.  So I find that the Chosen Relationships and Separating and Divorcing most pertinent.  Although, my 15 year old daughter is having some of my uPDw s behaviours so I am also on the Parents Discussion forum although it does not seem to be very active.  My father in-law has uPD also but my wife went NC on him a few years ago although I personally had a great relationship with him... Welcome to the Forum !

[Empie2204]

GettingOOTF:
I too think this forum is precious for us who experienced different personality disorders from our family members.
The good thing is that we have a lot to contribute, just like you do.

ploughthrough2021:
Just like you I noticed that regardless of the forum, there are some milestones we all pass. But this place helps a lot!

[PAY]

Empie2204:
My story is similar to your's.  I came on here Committed to Working on It.  I never thought I'd be Separating & Divorcing.  And yet, here I am.  I have to think there are many of us that started this same way.
With time, I've come Out of the FOG and now see the reality of my relationship with my uPDH.

[Jsinjin]

I've always been at common behaviors, separating and divorcing and unsent letter. 

I've never felt like I had a good marriage, I'm just in it because the FOG is so strong.

[JustKeepTrying]

Interesting that you mention stages - I had that thought in my mind but we are approaching this from different experiences -

This is actually my third profile - I began years ago under a different handle.  Still in the fog and Committed to working on it.  I knew he was disordered but believed he could and would change.  We had three marriage counselors over our 32 year marriage.  Nothing worked.  Then I realized that he didn't want it too - his behavior was purposeful.

I shifted to Separating/Divorcing and like you I had avoided it like the plague (phrase means something different today, huh). But when the time came, I was and so grateful for the advice and support.

But like a growing individual, I have also bounced around other areas and with learning I have to come to realize there is a foundational aspect to this.  My sister is a narcissist.  She seriously messed me up as a child.  My brother is somewhere in there as well.  My parents did not handle them well.  So it retrospect, it's not surprising that I ended up with OCPDxh.

While we all come here from different walks of life, race and creed - it's the similarities that I marvel over.  That is where I find the support.  Knowing I am not alone.   

[Simon]

This forum, separating and divorcing, is mainly where I am, reading and posting, although I occasionally read other forums out of curiosity.

As I've said in other posts, the forum "committed to working on it" is not something I want to read, because if anyone thinks that their man or woman can change or isn't the manipulative, nasty, selfish person they suspect they are, then they're simply still in the fog.
Deep in the fog.

Sounds brutal I know, but true.
And as you say, many, if not all, have the same journey here, starting off with false hope in the "committed to working on it" forum, and then ending up here with the inevitable split, and the eventual freedom.
I hope that their stay in that first forum is brief, but I suspect that for some it's quite a long time.

[Empie2204]

This forum, separating and divorcing, is mainly where I am, reading and posting, although I occasionally read other forums out of curiosity.

As I've said in other posts, the forum "committed to working on it" is not something I want to read, because if anyone thinks that their man or woman can change or isn't the manipulative, nasty, selfish person they suspect they are, then they're simply still in the fog.
Deep in the fog.

Sounds brutal I know, but true.
And as you say, many, if not all, have the same journey here, starting off with false hope in the "committed to working on it" forum, and then ending up here with the inevitable split, and the eventual freedom.
I hope that their stay in that first forum is brief, but I suspect that for some it's quite a long time.

You described it so precisely! Many of us were (or still are) with hopes. Maybe it is in human nature to believe in good, maybe we heard too many fairytales, but most probably we were ignorant about the real nature of personality disorders.

You knew from the beginning what many of us didn´t - or didn´t accept. After all, Separating & Divorcing section does not look so tragic as I thought it would be. My previous life was tragic, I was like a hamster in a wheel. Together with my naricissist. Each of us rotating in our own direction.

Now I´m moving forward. Steps are small, sometimes I fall, but I´m going.

[Empie2204]

@JustKeepTrying, PAY:
It seems there is a number of us who had to grow.

@Jsinjin:
I know the feeling of a bad marriage. I really wish you to come Out of the FOG. It is far from being easy, but is worth.

[Kat54]

Started in chosen relationships and common behaviors, but then went to separating and divorcing. And now offer advice if I can or just read what others are going through but now sometimes post in Working on Us.
This forum really helped keep my head on with valuable advice and encouragement. Like I've said in past posts I was borderline suicidal.
Divorcing was my only option. Best best move I ever made, it literally saved me. For any of you afraid of that big move from separating to divorcing it's so scary and paralyzing but the leap will be faith in yourself. Love your life, it's the only one you have.

[pushit]

Oddly enough, I went through the first stages on a different forum, and was driven away when the site owner started telling me it was my fault that I wasn't willing to bend enough.  It really screwed my mind up for awhile.  Crazy stuff, but I knew I was in the right so I stopped posting there.  I've since been back to that site and have seen the owner do the same thing to other individuals as well.  Not Cool.  I started there in the Committed to Working On It area.  When I came over here, I went straight to the Separating and Divorcing forum because I knew it was imminent.  Now I'm divorced and co (parallel) parenting, so those two spots are my main areas.

But I'm with GettingOOTF on this.  I don't visit as much anymore, but I tend to look at all the forums and I will respond when I have something worthwhile to share.  We all have different backgrounds and experiences, if I can offer good advice to someone I will share my experience and advice, regardless of the board it may be on.

[Simon]

You described it so precisely! Many of us were (or still are) with hopes. Maybe it is in human nature to believe in good, maybe we heard too many fairytales, but most probably we were ignorant about the real nature of personality disorders.

You knew from the beginning what many of us didn´t - or didn´t accept. After all, Separating & Divorcing section does not look so tragic as I thought it would be. My previous life was tragic, I was like a hamster in a wheel. Together with my naricissist. Each of us rotating in our own direction.

Now I´m moving forward. Steps are small, sometimes I fall, but I´m going.

Yes, it's the hope that keeps people hooked, isn't it?
That initial phase of being praised and built-up, the compliments, the promises, the attentive behaviour, the shared moments and dreams, all served to hook us deep enough that when we get abused, we give them the benefit of the doubt, and work harder at the relationship to get back to the good times.
Meanwhile, they do less and less work on the relationship, except occasionally switching on the nice person act to re-attach the hook (intermittent reinforcement), which makes us believe that all our extra work, effort and love that we are putting into the relationship is working, so we keep going.

For me, it only took a few months to see through this, and I count myself lucky, because they can string people along for many years like this, and the longer they get away with, the more damage they do to the mental health of their victim.

When I mention the other forum, I'm not having a go at those people in there still trying to work on their relationships.
It's actually from a position of sadness, as the stories in there would only show that they are still being damaged, every day, and that in some cases there are children witnessing this abuse, and they will most likely develop personality disorders of their own from living in a toxic environment like that if it goes on long enough.
It's too sad to read all that false hope.

I praise all those who venture into the "Working on it" forum to help those stuck in there.
I'm afraid I'm a bit too blunt, and I wouldn't want to add to the pain of those suffering in there, so I leave it to those with a gentler touch to ease them out of there.

[Empie2204]

It´s all about growing and moving from the futile "I can cure it"-phase.

If somebody gets hurt by bluntness that´s just the nature of the process. I used to think that people who gave up fighting for the relationship were not tough enough.

How things change... and it´s good when they do.

[bohemian butterfly]

Started out in chosen relationships and then I transitioned to this forum after I realized that I wanted to end the relationship. 

I'm back on this forum after @1.5 years because I ended up reconnecting with ex, but I'm back because it's ending again (and this will be hopefully be it)