throughout life, usually have had one good friend at a time
most recent friend/neighbor who was so easy to talk with got sick & passed away
we'd see each other outside & end up talking an hour every time!
that was about 3 yrs ago & haven't found a new friend since
however, part of me is ok with no friends for now with raising a child
remember back in 7th grade I had a friend that I ate lunch with everyday
we laughed our whole way though that year
my last friend was like that ...we'd be standing in the grass just cracking up about anything/everything!
why as we get older is it more difficult to find & make friends?
maybe I'm looking for another friend who I can laugh with again.....
and that person is rare & hard to find
Wow what a gift to have such a neighbor! I'm really sorry for your loss.
I think we all need friends. As you know even just one is life-changing. But it's one of those mysterious things that you just can't force. I read the section on friendship in "The Four Loves" by C.S. Lewis and I really recommend it, even for those who are not religious.
thanks @Call Me Cordelia!
next time I order books from our "To Go" library, I'll request "The Four Loves" but first we need to get through all the books & movies we have checked out
we have "The Secret Garden" and "the Great Gilly Hopkins" checked out to watch as a family over next couple weekends
agree with you that one can't force friendships.....
most of my friends in adulthood have been much older or at least 7 yrs-10 yrs younger
I don't click with people my age for some reason
Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on November 24, 2020, 07:08:37 AM
I read the section on friendship in "The Four Loves" by C.S. Lewis and I really recommend it, even for those who are not religious.
finally made time to read chapter this past week!
found this interesting:
"I have no duty to be anyone's Friend and no man in the world has a duty to be mine. No claims, no shadow of necessity. Friendship is unnecessary...."
so after reading above, I feel relieved of the need to find/make a new friend
if one comes into my life, so be it
if not, happy for the memories of the friends that I have had
the "mom" friend I mentioned in "over 60" thread is much older than me & sadly losing memory
it's difficult to converse by phone anymore
however, do have many good memories of times we shared
"I have no duty to be anyone's Friend and no man in the world has a duty to be mine. No claims, no shadow of necessity. Friendship is unnecessary...."
@Call Me Cordelia
when you read the friendship chapter, did the above ^ strike you?
it did strike me & found it interesting that friendship is unnecessary
Oh finally validation. I feel suddenly a bit better about my current friendships. One close one casual. I don't make friends easily, nor do I have any sort of longing for them. No one really seems to know how to respond to that beyond telling me I should go out and make some. But... I feel no need. Hmm. Feels good, thank you for sharing!
It's been a long time since I read that book, and that particular quote is not one I remember. As I recall, though, friendship was considered the highest love by the Greeks because it was most purely a gift, not based on any sort of need or drive (like with eros).
I've often that my best friends are the ones where if time passes, and we meet again, it's like it never passed. I have a few friends like that - years zip by and we get together and it seems like we just pick up where we left off.
And there are others that at times I feel I have to tred carefully and measure my words - friends but not close.
Yet with the divorce, my friends showed up. When I was seriously sick, they showed up. A handful of good and loyal friends that I believe deeply care. Yet, I don't feel the need to call them daily. I tend the relationship but not obsess.
I also since the divorce feel the need for as many friends. I find companionship where it is and take it for what it is. I'm comfortable with my own company. It's taken a lot of work to get here and I cherish it.
But with this pandemic, I do miss a girls night out!
making friends thread......progress
walking around neighborhood more now that temps are cooler
talked with 5 neighbors this week (at a safe distance)
it felt good chatting & putting myself out there
two just sold their homes & are moving
I'll try to get acquainted with new neighbors once they move in & settle
That's really cool that you had a great connection with you neighbour! Also, sorry for your loss...It sounds like you're a very fun and positive person to be around. ;D
Right now...I don't really have a close friend. I have a few coworkers I like and have spent time together outside work by eating out but I don't really confide about my life.
I used to miss the deep connections I've had with some people,but I've been moving around a lot and have been in different stages of my life. I also...Got tired of getting hurt after having these deep connections as cliché as that may sound...
Sometimes, friends only last for certain chapters of your life before you move on to the next chapter and that's OK.
I'm also OK with not having friends. I'm an introvert type, I get drained easily after being around people for two long and need time to energize my social battery again. I can make friends easy, I'm just terrible at keeping them due to this reason. I also shy away nowadays when people want to know about my personal life...I run away and feel shame about my life. Probably not a healthy thing to do...but I still do it and need to learn how to deal with it.
Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on April 06, 2021, 09:03:54 PM
It's been a long time since I read that book, and that particular quote is not one I remember. As I recall, though, friendship was considered the highest love by the Greeks because it was most purely a gift, not based on any sort of need or drive (like with eros).
That's my take on friendship.
It's obviously deeply personal and individual.
Quote from: BefuddledClarity on October 01, 2021, 12:17:50 AM
I'm also OK with not having friends. I'm an introvert type
thanks for your reply
husband & I are both introverts
early in marriage we were friends with a neighbor couple but they moved away
there was one other couple we did stuff with & they moved, too
we have no couple friends now
I wonder what we will do when our kid graduates from HS cause we have no people to invite to a party!
this is terrible, isn't it?
Wow. I am so comforted by this thread. I have gained and lost acquantances. Friends are lifelong but do not live near me and we do not spend time on the phone. Occasional letters or msgs.
I have been longing for a friend or two to trust b/c living with unpdh is so difficult at times.. I feel I need a life of my own and people who converse normally. Once in awhile I would like to pick up the phone not as wife or mom, but just me.
So right. Friendship cannot be forced. I have never lived in a place where people are so different about relationships. In south it seems clanish aka family first. Big families, well established who enjoy one another and don't need "outsiders." The outsiders who are also new here are cliquish in their own way...
I trust God with this. Agreed with C.S. Lewis, but sometimes I envy other women who have built in friendship with their daughters. I am a daughterless mother and though my sons would do anything for me and we have good relationships... there's nothing like another woman who just "gets you."
Unpdh works hard to get people in his circle. Brags to me about having friends. Loves to torment me that I have no friends. Untrue, I just don't have a circle of flying monkeys that I control. The difference; I choose friends, I do not troll for them like him. I try to ignore his criticisms. I am also an "empath." Too many people in my life is a terrible stress to me and I don't enjoy it.
Thank you for your candor. It helps me.
Quote from: tragedy or hope on October 04, 2021, 06:24:06 AM
I feel I need a life of my own and people who converse normally. Once in awhile I would like to pick up the phone not as wife or mom, but just me.
totally get this as we're often so defined by our roles
saw this today:
https://www.aol.com/oprah-winfrey-admits-not-having-221637884.html
"So, I don't have a lot of friends. Everybody knows Gayle [King]. There's Gayle, there's Maria, there's Bob [Greene]. And that's, that's about it,"
Thank you for posting this. Making friends at this point in my life has been a struggle. I'm sure that the PD parents issue and the cPTSD hasn't helped the situation either. I've decided that being alone is better than having PD friends so I've slowly decreased contact during Covid. Then I keep reading about how much in-person social support is necessary for health reasons and then I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.
The key is SUPPORT. If your "support system" is causing autoimmune disease, as in my case, it isn't meeting its purpose. It's so hard because it's so normal to be connected with family and friends, it seems like a no-brainer that it's important to have connections and if. And it is. And if you don't have them, it appears the problem is you. But like everything else in PD-land, "normal" gets twisted into something completely toxic. I did find I needed to be alone for a time, work on me, let more superficial connections fall away, and then me, my husband, and kids moved somewhere good for us and simply started all over.
Thank you Cordelia. I didn't think of it that way. Seeing the main 2, very likely PD women that I know here, does add to my stress. So while they listen, occasionally go out to lunch, etc. I'm on edge wondering how my words will be twisted and repeated. I trade the lunch, listening, introducing me to others who might be nice, for stress and gossip.
I had something nice happen to me this week. I'm out here camping by myself and I sat down on a bench overlooking the ocean. A few minutes later an older woman sat down and we had a few minutes of small talk. That small talk slowly grew and we ended up chatting for two hours. I discovered she was the camping spot over. Long and short, we met daily for a few hours at a time and laughed through the time. We exchanged contact info and I know I made a lifelong friend
The difference was within myself. Early in the convo I was guarded but authentic. I felt very controlled in what I shared but what I did share was true and real. It was a beautiful thing to feel the freedom to connect with another person like I did long before I met my ex. I did have moments of anxiety where I wondered did I share too much too fast or get involved with a weirdo. But the cool thing was when I was tired or needed to step back and recoup, she was great with it and didn't even question it. And I sat with each moment and really allowed myself to read my own emotion.
I find it so incredible that after everything, I can and will find real friendship with no disordered people out there. Whew
Quote from: JustKeepTrying on October 07, 2021, 09:23:43 PM
We exchanged contact info and I know I made a lifelong friend
that is fantastic JustKeepTrying!
I heard an interesting tidbit on a podcast recently. It was from a former FBI agent whose job it was to work undercover. For his job he had to learn how to connect and create relationships with people.
He defined friendship as needing four components: proximity + frequency + duration + intensity
(proximity can be physical like a neighbor or co-worker, or it can be in an on-line space too)
When I look back at my life, I see how these four aspects were at play in various friendships I've had, and how they were often lacking in friendships that didn't pan out or that eventually broke down.
When we're younger, we spend a lot of time with our friends and generally share a lot of intense experiences with them. Its easy to form a bond when we have the frequency and intensity with people around us (proximity).
As we get older, we might have proximity with someone, but the frequency just isn't there because adults have a lot of other priorities. We might know someone for several years, but if you only meet for coffee every couple of months, and talk casually about your life, the intensity and frequency aren't going to be there.
For some reason, I found it very helpful to look at friendship through this lens. I realize that its often not the the fault of either myself or the other person... life just makes it hard for those four pieces to take place.
I see this with a friend who moved to another state. We have the duration, we have the intensity (we've shared some difficult life situations with each other), we used to have the frequency, but now we don't have the proximity, so it takes more work to keep the friendship going.
Anyway not sure if others will find that useful but just wanted to share.
Hi Jennifer -
Thank you for sharing this. This is very useful to me. Right now, proximity is definitely making things harder. With Covid restrictions I my area, no new groups of any sort are happening. Volunteering is all at home by yourself or virtual. And virtual in a way that you aren't meeting people really. All school events to which parents were included or invited are cancelled or parents just aren't invited. It's going to take time to be in proximity to others. I guess I just need to be patient.
I went to an in person dinner meeting the other night with people I had only met one time before. I'm surprised it happened with the restrictions. I found every time that someone asked me a question, as soon as I started to respond, they would turn and start talking to someone they already knew. I used to take that as a reflection on me that I was not interesting enough or that I was doing something wrong. I decided that it was them and not me. But I'm hesitant to make an effort to see these people again.
Yah! Justkeeptrying!
Your experience is a great encouragement. I wait for these moments. Hoping to find friends in the same way. Kind of divinely inspired as I see it. And in a place you apparently love to be... near the ocean. Seems so syncratic. She was there because she loves the place and also, talking with you... I don't think this was coincidence.
Reminds me of a old adage... "When the student is ready; the teacher appears." Not the same but kind of... the time was right, the setting and the person, along with your heart and hers. Beautiful!
IMO when the right woman comes along, we can be heart-knit in a seeming instant and just have a knowing about one another. Simply amazing.