Hello! My story in a nutshell..

Alpacalunch · March 22, 2019, 12:45:56 PM

Greetings all! Such a bittersweet feeling to find this forum. The information here is a blessing, but it's sad to see so many folks living in the maelstrom of PD dynamics.

I'm not sure where to start, but I'm so perplexed and I don't know how to make things better between my husband and I. At first I thought his parents were the problem, they were so intrusive and rude to us, and we had to set some major boundaries. The boundaries resulted in his mom basically unable to handle hearing "no" and she walked out of our lives, and did all kinds of guilt tripping and encouraged my husband to divorce me. His dad, though, came around and followed our boundaries. Btw, none of this was obvious before we got married. We barely saw them until we had children, then that's when things went downhill.

So, we got into marital therapy because it was really hard on us and my husband felt in the middle like he had to choose me or his family. We stayed there for two years and agreed on what would make us both happy, how often we'd be seeing his family, and what we were going to do. He agreed to help me stand up for myself, and that he would always be present for visits.

Things went on for a couple years and we quibbled here and there about logistics of visiting and the relationship with his family in general. Lately, he has been very adamant about trying to increase time with them including our kids, for which I'm always present because I don't let the kids be alone around them. The family dynamics his extended family has are too toxic and the kids aren't able to understand, I don't want them to be poorly influenced by this and I stand up for myself to them so they'll learn good boundaries by example. Husband's family is just a bunch of bullies, but he doesn't agree with me.

He tells me I'm overreacting or too sensitive, that this is just the way they are, and that he isn't happy with me for "having limits". We had an enormous fight about this topic a month ago and I've been struggling with fear of making him angry, and I've realized I have a strong desire to give in to his whims to "fix" his bad mood. Recognizing this, I took a big step back from our marriage to gain perspective on things.

I want to set better boundaries and stick to them. I don't want to give in to guilt or fear, and I want to stop being a "fixer". I've been focused on my kids and self care. He tells me I'm being vindictive and petty to him.

This is all baffling to me, so here I am checking out the forums and learning some strategies in the toolbox. Looking forward to talking to you all!

coyote · March 22, 2019, 01:20:14 PM

Hi Alpacalunch and welcome to Out of the FOG,
IME Boundaries are only as good as our ability to enforce them with logical consequences when they are violated. Many family members use the "that's just the way they are" as an excuse t justify the bad behavior,

Starboard Song · March 22, 2019, 02:33:09 PM

Quote from: Alpacalunch on March 22, 2019, 12:45:56 PM
He tells me I'm overreacting or too sensitive, that this is just the way they are, and that he isn't happy with me for "having limits". We had an enormous fight about this topic a month ago and I've been struggling with fear of making him angry, and I've realized I have a strong desire to give in to his whims to "fix" his bad mood. Recognizing this, I took a big step back from our marriage to gain perspective on things.

I want to set better boundaries and stick to them. I don't want to give in to guilt or fear, and I want to stop being a "fixer". I've been focused on my kids and self care. He tells me I'm being vindictive and petty to him.

Welcome! You are doing a lot right already. You've learned about boundaries and used them to some success. You've distinguished between right and wrong behavior, though I'm sure that feels shaky sometimes.

My wife and I are 3 1/2 years NC with her parents. I know this journey.

It will be harder within the walls of your own home. So I am glad you found us. Your husband is on a hard journey, like you've been. It sounds like the stress has become very real. I tend to encourage folks to do even very hard work to stay ever so close to a spouse who is not PD, because I feel we all deserve more love and more family, not less. But we all have our own situations, our own battles, so I know it doesn't work out the same.

I hope to see you on the boards. Dealing With PD In-Laws seems right down your line.

You are not alone.

Alpacalunch · March 22, 2019, 03:03:19 PM

Quote from: coyote on March 22, 2019, 01:20:14 PM
Hi Alpacalunch and welcome to Out of the FOG,
IME Boundaries are only as good as our ability to enforce them with logical consequences when they are violated. Many family members use the "that's just the way they are" as an excuse t justify the bad behavior,

Hi there, thanks for the welcome! Boundaries can be tough, and I had no idea until I started making some. Especially with family dynamics and normalizing bad behavior.

Alpacalunch · March 22, 2019, 03:08:51 PM

Quote from: Starboard Song on March 22, 2019, 02:33:09 PM

Welcome! You are doing a lot right already. You've learned about boundaries and used them to some success. You've distinguished between right and wrong behavior, though I'm sure that feels shaky sometimes.

My wife and I are 3 1/2 years NC with her parents. I know this journey.

It will be harder within the walls of your own home. So I am glad you found us. Your husband is on a hard journey, like you've been. It sounds like the stress has become very real. I tend to encourage folks to do even very hard work to stay ever so close to a spouse who is not PD, because I feel we all deserve more love and more family, not less. But we all have our own situations, our own battles, so I know it doesn't work out the same.

I hope to see you on the boards. Dealing With PD In-Laws seems right down your line.

You are not alone.

I'm so sorry you and your wife are going through no contact. It's truly difficult whether one chooses to have contact and endure the bad behavior, or if they choose no contact.

I'll definitely check out the in law board! Thank you for the suggestion. In the toolbox I read about "fleas", which I think my husband carried on from his childhood.

Starboard Song · March 22, 2019, 03:18:33 PM

Oh yeah: fleas are real.

Through our struggle, my wife has become far healthier, coming to terms with many things she hadn't known about herself. And I've become far more compassionate and emotionally aware.

We've become better people: a sort of positive scar tissue.

Alpacalunch · March 22, 2019, 04:25:15 PM

Quote from: Starboard Song on March 22, 2019, 03:18:33 PM
Oh yeah: fleas are real.

Through our struggle, my wife has become far healthier, coming to terms with many things she hadn't known about herself. And I've become far more compassionate and emotionally aware.

We've become better people: a sort of positive scar tissue.

That is a beautiful way to look at it. It seems like through the struggle you have grown together.